retail therapy

i spent $365.00 today on stuff i simply don't need. i've already packed up more than half of it to return it to their respective stores on the weekend. and you know what? it doesn't bother me.

in fact, the one thing i've learned about my shopping habits is that, although i do tend to buy stupid things and lots of them (albeit always on sale and always at a steal of a deal), even if i end up returning 95% of the stuff i've bought, it makes me feel good just to have known i owned it for a couple of days. sick, eh?

however, i'm not stupid about it. i never buy stuff that i've fallen in love with and can't afford because i end up justifying keeping the purchase and regret it later. the stuff i've bought at the boxing day sales are of the "like 'em but can leave 'em" kind, which is fine with me. who needs three new pairs of shoes when i have at least two pairs in my closet that are still in boxes? i keep buying pants because i get such a good deal on them (and i find it hard to buy pants that look good on me) but what i really need are tops - for work, for weekend, for going out. so i'm going to return the $10 pair of pants i bought at Reitmans because, even though they are only $10, for $20 i bought a nicer pair at the GAP and i know they will last longer.

and i bought a sweater for the Boy. it's only $20 and it would look so good on him but i will hold out on giving it to him. his birthday is in a month - i'll add this sweater to whatever else i might get him, if we make it to then. :)

christmas blues

i used to get so excited about Christmas. i loved going shopping and picking out gifts and putting up decorations and singing carols - and this was just within the past 5 years! i don't know why, as i get older, it seems like Christmas doesn't mean anything anymore.

every year, Christmas displays in stores go up earlier and earlier. at the rate they are going up, at some point they will actually coincide with the Christmas season. it doesn't feel like people care about spending time with family and friends - it's all about how much money you're going to spend and what you hope you'll get. i think i'm finally over-commercialized, if that's even possible.

it occurs to me that this feeling of nothingness has grown stronger over the past five years and i wonder if it is a coincidence that my Christmas Mass attendance has also waned over the past five years. it's not that i didn't like going to Christmas Eve Mass - it's more that it wasn't something that made sense to go to anymore. it's not that i don't still have the beliefs i grew up with. but when you make the effort to go to church on Christmas Eve and end up sitting in the adjacent school's gymnasium, watching what's going on in the Church by closed-circuit TV, the event loses its feeling. coupled with the fact that everyone else in the gym (usually late-comers or people with small children) end up chatting with each other throughout most of the hour instead of watching the priest on the TV, you stop taking it very seriously.

i'm not very Catholic anymore (but then again, how many Catholics do you know that are?) but i think i might go to Christmas Eve Mass this year. i know a lot of people will scoff at me but i think everyone, no matter what beliefs you subscribe to, needs to believe in something. even believing in nothing is believing in something, ironically enough. i think this is the year that i need to re-visit some things i believed in, even though it doesn't mean that i'm going back for good.

prayer for relief

God, give me the strength - any strength you can spare - to help me deal with this thing we call love.

he phoned me on sunday and apologized for his behaviour, although he says he's still mad. it irks me that he thinks we can just fall back into place - we are going to "talk" about it, but everything seems all the same now, pre-DQM (drama queen moment). i want him to know that he can't just blow up at me for no reason and expect everything to return to normal when he's ready for it to. yet i'm not sure if i'm really getting through to him with that.

i gave him what-for when he phoned. i told him it was up to him whether he believed what i was telling him but i insisted i wasn't dating anyone else but him. i told him that i have guy friends and asked him if he had female friends. he said he didn't and i said, "why, because you always end up dating them?" and he said something that sort of sounded like, "yes." i don't know if he was being facetious or just being stubborn but now i wonder. yet, what the fuck does he care? he's the one who said he wasn't ready to do the exclusive thing. i'm the one who's waiting around for him to make up his mind. there is some serious inequality going on here and i don't like it.

i'm not sure he trusts me, although i don't know why. i've never given him any reason not to.

this stupidness needs to stop. stop the insanity!!!

relief?

we had another dramatic episode this morning, culminating in him walking out the door (hastily packed bag in hand) saying, "well, i hope you two are very happy together." slam.

then he phones 30 minutes later and i answer. he's surprised that i answer and says, "i was just going to leave a nasty voicemail for you." and i said, "well, you've got me on the phone. tell me now." he refused. i told him he had left his scarf and a pair of socks in the room and he said, "OH WELL." then he hung up.

fucking drama queen. i finally feel like i've done everything i could. and i'm 95% glad it's over.

glutton

i hate that, despite all these years of trying to become comfortable with being alone and not feeling that need to have a "man in my life", i would still rather have someone break up with me than be the one who does the breaking up. i think it's because i know i have survived that awful heartache that starts in the pit of your stomach and travels upwards to the back of your throat, so i know i will survive it again.

everything in my relationship is fine, until i start to think about what i deserve (the good kind, not the bad kind). there are no problems with the status quo in my head until i realize that i'm making excuses again. but am i making excuses? and what exactly is it that i deserve?

i was thinking the other day (never a good start, actually)... well, it was more wondering whether he was worth "waiting" for (you know, getting the stuff in his life sorted out so that he had time for me). i wondered whether i actually believed he was worth waiting for or whether i just thought he was because, when he is attentive and mentally with me, he's exactly the way i want him to be. and then i realized that, no matter what is going on in his life, if he thought i was worth it, he would "take the plunge", as it were. he wouldn't be thinking that his ex's feelings were more important than mine (that's how i interpret it, anyway). he wouldn't want to have his cake and eat it too - he would just have the damn cake! a friend of mine that i used to work with got involved with a guy who was going through his Alcoholics Anonymous meetings - perhaps had just started. but he pursued her like there was no tomorrow, got sober at the same time and they're now married. i don't know if it's happily or not but he didn't let his life problems stop him from getting into a relationship. granted, he does have an addictive personality so perhaps that might be the reason but i digress. my point is - it appears to me that he doesn't see me as someone who is worth throwing that caution to the wind - but just in case i am, he's trying to hang on anyway.

it's not that i just realized this. i'm pretty sure i knew it all along. and yet, i still can't see myself doing anything about it. i talk myself out of it, saying "it's only been three months. what's your hurry?" and really, what is my hurry? it's not like i'm devoting all of my extra time to him. it's not like i would turn down a date with someone if they asked and i thought they were worth going out with (at least, i like to think i wouldn't). he asked me what i was doing for new years and i asked him the same. he said that he had plans to go to whistler with bunch of his guy friends but if that didn't come through that he would "tag along" with whatever i might be doing. huh?

it is the head v. heart dilemma all over again. everything in my head - every fibre of reason that i possess (and there isn't that much fibre, believe me) - is telling me to GET OUT NOW! and yet the minute i think that i'm going to do it, every violin string in my heart starts to play and i can't bring myself to do it. i make this hard for myself. i think i enjoy it. sick, isn't it?

just call me "mimi" cause it's all about me

i sometimes wonder if my mom was right: am i a selfish and self-serving person?

today at work was busy. i had a project to work on that could've lasted me most of the day and the big boss came at me with one of his "hurry up and wait" projects that would've kept me on my toes for the remainder of the day. at a little after 11, i sat down at my desk for one of the first times this morning to catch a break and my phone rings. it's my mom. she's crying. she sounds panicked. and first, i think it's about my dad and that something has happened to him. so i inquire. and she tells me there is something wrong with her heart - that there's an extra beat which isn't normally present. and i calm slightly. oh, it's just that.

before you think i'm totally cold-hearted, let me give a bit of a background. my mom has had this condition for almost 20 years. she's always had an "irregular" heartbeat. it was only recently that a specialist finally diagnosed her as having it. but they told her it wasn't dangerous. so she's lived with it. but when it happens, she goes into full-out panic mode and is inconsolable. and 9 times out of 10, it's nothing.

so today, instead of offering to drop everything and come to her rescue when she asked me to come get her, i hesitated. i told her i didn't have a car and it would take me awhile to get my car and come get her. i knew i had this letter i had to get out by courier asap. i basically told her, in not so many words, that i didn't have time for her panic attack but when i did, i would come and get her. i felt terrible - for not feeling terrible.

instead, i phoned my dad (who works out in langley) to leave work and go help her. i told him i would try to get out of work when i could. i was more scared of what my boss would say when i told him i needed to go see my mom at the emergency room than of what she would think of me. not surprisingly, my boss was very supportive and gave me the rest of the day off, even though i told him i'd come back to work when i could. i had every intention of it.

i knew it was nothing. she knew it was nothing. but, as the boy said to me, "what if it's not nothing? don't you want to err on the side of caution?" he was nice enough to drive me to the emergency room. and luckily, neither of us thought it was a good time for him to meet my mom so instead, he hung back and was more my support (not that i think i needed it but i felt like i should need it).

and after she sat in the waiting room for five hours, waiting for the results of her electrocardiogram, she found out that it was what she suspected - nothing. and i felt bad about not being at work. when i didn't really have anything to do anyway. what's wrong with me?

shameful

i've come to the realization that the older i get, the more irresponsible i am about saving money. my credit card bills this month totalled $1800. not really a lot compared to some people still a lot when you consider that i don't really have anything to show for it. i looked at one of my statements - tangibles included shoes and some clothes but probably only a grand total of maybe...MAYBE $500. the rest is eating out...eating out...transportation...and eating out. and my savings is practically non-existent, if you don't include my rather pathetic excuse for an RRSP.

where did i go wrong? the year i decided to buy a car, i was able to save up almost $10,000 in under a year. why am i barely scraping by now?

so, i've done up a budget for myself. for the next couple of months, it will be hard to stick to it as it is the holiday season and, let's face it, i'll need a couple of months to pay off my current credit card bills and replenish the savings i'm going to have to dig into in order to do so. i'm a terrible person. i'm a frivolous person. wasteful. i'm truly ashamed of myself right now.

last weekend alone i spent almost $600. i got my car serviced ($200), my hair cut and highlighted ($180) and got a new pair of eyeglasses ($440 - $200 from insurance). and last week was when i decided i needed to "cut down".

the first thing i need to cut down on is how much i eat out - it's ridiculous. if i want to visit with friends, i should either go for coffee or have dinner parties. potluck dinner parties.

for some reason, i can control my shopping for clothes and toys - i just have to stay out of the mall. but food...ah, food. i use it as a basis for everything - socializing, business, comfort. must stop eating out. after tomorrow.

ah, the mañana budget...

marie antoinette

"let them eat cake!" or, in his case, let them have their cake AND eat it too.

it would've have been so much easier had we not bumped into each other at starbucks yesterday. we'd have said our goodbyes and we would've moved on. instead, we're back in limbo.

if a friend were relaying my situation to me as their own, i would tell her to walk away and cut her losses. being alone is better than being in a relationship where the terms are being dictated by someone else, in the long run. is it scary that while i fully know that i should just walk away from this relationship now, i don't think i'm going to? that i can foresee great heartbreak in the not-so-distant future and yet it's not deterring me from continuing on my path of self-destruction?

i have never been someone who was able to delay immediate gratification for potentially greater gains in the future and it's no different in this situation. and i know that no matter how hard i try to make it all work, to the satisfaction of the both of us, it's not. i'm going to end up getting hurt in the end. and i'll only have myself to blame.

perhaps i need to think on this a little while longer. we are going to have coffee on saturday and continue our conversation from dinner tonight. it was a good conversation; probably one of the better ones we've had (not that there have been many to choose from).

here is how i see it: we should continue on the same route but with a little Elvis thrown in for spice. you know, "a little less conversation, a little more action, please." PLEASE!!!!! :)

to be continued....

serendipity

or at least, a damn spooky coincidence. here was my day...

first thing this morning, despite the fact that in the past few days, i've barred myself from checking e-mails as frequently as i normally do, i couldn't stop myself from checking my e-mail to see if he had sent me something. he had. it was a short note that basically said that he understood that this is how i was dealing with it but he at least expected me to say goodbye. reacting on pure emotion, i e-mailed him back and said, "And I thought you would have been kind enough to at least tell me in person. Take care of yourself. I will miss you." i cried when i sent it off (gawd, i hate hormones!) but i felt so much better after sending it - my heart felt lighter and i actually felt happier than i have since friday. it just goes to show that you really should deal with things the way you (as opposed to someone else) feel like you should deal with things. leaving his e-mail unanswered left me with no closure, although i felt like i was doing the right thing because everyone was unanimous about telling me to leave it be. all of a sudden, life was liveable again and i didn't feel like i was constantly stopping myself from tearing up.

i had a doctor's appointment this morning so i took the bus from my office downtown to the west side at granville & 7th. i was early getting to my appointment (it was at 9:15 - the first one of the morning) but i went in anyway because it was cold and rainy outside. i was out by 9:10. i figured i had lots of time to watch buses go by to see which one would feasibly take me back downtown. as i stood at the crosswalk at 7th and granville, bundled up in my gortex and fleece jackets (hood and all), i looked directly across the street where a green Explorer was parked. i thought, "i'll never be able to look at one of those again without thinking it's him." i crossed granville and then i crossed 7th, passed a new starbucks on the corner. the guy that was walking in front of me veered in the direction of the starbucks and out of the corner of my eye (as my peripheral vision was a bit inhibited with my two hoods), i could see him hesitate as he opened the door. instinctively, i shifted my purse to my other hand.

just then, i don't know if i heard my name (through the layers of the hoods, probably not) or if something else just caught my eye but i turned around to look back at the starbucks door and there he was, standing in the doorway, looking as surprised to see me as i was to see him.

i walked back over to him. he asked me what i was doing there and i told him i was at the doctor's and that i was on my way back to work. he tried to make light of meeting so coincidentally and i started to cry (damn hormones!!!). i don't really remember what we said. a lot; not much at all. i remember telling him that he over reacted to everything which is why things were as hard as they appeared to be. he was mock-insulted. but it's true. i agreed to talk with him about everything at another time and we parted ways.

i can't help but see signs and coincidences wherever i go. the fateful friday morning, i woke up with my stereo alarm playing no doubt's "don't speak". i laughed to myself and thought, "is this a hint?" and so i can't help thinking that seeing him today was somewhat fateful. i could've walked up to broadway to catch the bus instead of down to 5th. of all things, he recognized my shoes and that's how he knew it was me, all bundled up in my rain gear. he decided to go to that starbucks, even though it's across town from where he lives, because it was new and he figured it would be a quiet place to study. spooky.

i don't know what to do. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow.

admissions

ok, i admit it. i am going to be sad about this for awhile. i know i shouldn't be but you can't reason with something as unreasonable as emotions.

i thought nothing could feel worse than still feeling crappy about my relationship that ended FOUR YEARS AGO. i was wrong. he is actually not a much better person, behaviour-wise, than my ex was. i think it is just because when we were together, just hanging out or out on "couple night", he was so attentive. he loved to kiss me and hug me and tell me how good i looked. he called me those stupid, sappy nicknames i never thought i'd allow myself to be referred to as and i loved it. he made me laugh. he'd stop by my work during the day on his way somewhere just to give me a kiss and a hug. he talked about our future together - we even decided how many kids we were going to have and playfully argued about what we were going to name them (that was a little much but in the foggy haze that is infatuation, it was okay - now that i type it out, i think i may retch.). he played the role of adoring and doting BF to a tee. and i really thought that all of the above would make up for all of the below. and some days, it did.

but really, we never talked. well, he talked and if i talked, he never listened (or retained anything i said for longer than five seconds). we didn't really have conversations on the phone - they were mostly just "check-in" sessions. hell, we never really had conversations in person. i never met any of his friends and when he was on the phone with one of them (which seemed to be all the time when we were hanging out together), he would just say that he was "out already", but he would never say with whom. he would always talk about where he was going to take me ("I know this great jazz club I'm going to take you to" or "You haven't tried that restaurant? It's really good - I'll take you there") or what he was going to buy ("Oh, the M3 - I was so close to buying that in the summer" or "I love this neighbourhood - I was going to buy a place here" - and that was in pretty much every neighbourhood we drove through) or where he was going to go ("I'm going to spend some time in Japan - are you coming with me?" or "I'm definitely selling all my stuff and we're going to live in Europe for at least a year - what countries are on the top of your list?").

but nothing ever changed. no jazz clubs were visited or cars bought or tickets booked. hell, we talked about going away for the weekend for the past four weeks and nothing ever came of it.

this is not a bad thing that has happened. i know that i am far better off without him than i would be with him. it's reconciling that thought with the loneliness that has settled back into its regular spot somewhere in the bottom of my heart that is making this much more difficult than it really should be.

empty again

i was with a group of friends tonight, having a "going away" dinner for one of the group that is moving away. it was a lot of fun until we were passing around her going away gift - a photo album of all the pictures we've accumulated in the two years we've known each other. one picture was at another friend's wedding this past summer - the one where i met him. the picture was a candid of my friend, him and me and he was saying something to her. the look on my face was prophetic and everyone laughed when they saw it - i looked like i was thinking, "are you kidding me? what are you - stupid?" it was funny but at the same time, it started to make me really sad. there was another picture from our recent trip to whistler where we were all in the shot (another candid) and he was in the corner of the picture, just his profile, probably during his turn in the "clay-off".

and, despite my best efforts not to, i cried all the way home. which was actually not smart since it was very dark and the roads were very slick and it was the back roads of surrey. and i wasn't crying over him - i could give you a long list of reasons why i know he isn't right for me. but i did cry for what i lost, which is the other half of what made me part of that exclusive club that i so miss belonging to. it was hard seeing michelle and carl at the table tonight, just because the last time i was with them was probably the night the four of us went for dinner and then went back to their house to watch "team america". one of our "couple nights". i know i'm pathetic but i'm also PMSing so i have somewhat of an excuse. :)

i'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. all those pathetic thoughts are running through my head... like that i'll never meet anyone else...or that i'm going to swear off dating forever...or that there really is something wrong with me. the first two i know are just reactionary thoughts. the last, i'm not so sure about right now.

i dated a woman

or at least, a woman disguised as a linebacker. he broke up with me today. i'd sent him an email last night that basically aired out my issue with him in a roundabout way. i told him how i didn't appreciate how he flaked out on plans with me because, basically, he'd find something else to do or when he was with me, how it felt like he'd rather be somewhere else. he phoned me at work this morning and demanded i elaborate "what he did wrong now". i told him we would talk about it later and he repeated that he wanted to know. so i gave him a very short version and then he said, "ok, we'll talk about this later" and hung up. about an hour later, i checked my home e-mail and he had sent me a message with the subject line "i'm sorry". i read the first line and it said, "i'm sorry to do this in an email..." and i thought, "what a pussy. at least i was going to do it in person."

i spent the rest of the day laughing internally (both out of disgust and out of the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation) and externally, actually, whenever i thought about it.

while i don't plan on even returning the e-mail, it does bother me because he accused me of being insensitive (!?!) for "blaming" him for the situation we were in.

the man is a bit delusional. and the BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN i've ever met. he said that relationships shouldn't be this hard at the beginning. i'm thinking that if he didn't jump to conclusions and make everything a huge production, it probably wouldn't be hard. it would probably be quite simple, actually.

how much do you want to be that he's going to get back with the ex? i think his over-reaction to this last "issue" was just a ruse. and i bet you that phone call had a little somethin' somethin' to do with it.

ok. i'm done. :)

36 going on 3

if i was certain he'd never phone me again, i think it would hurt like hell for a few days but then i'd get over it. it's the fact that things are up in the air (yet again) that is bothering me.

why does he have to be such a child? and a hypocrite? he can make plans without me on the same day we've talked about doing something together but i can't?

perhaps this relationship has run its course. two "misunderstandings" in less than two months? that's two more than i would like and both were turned around on me and made my fault. if i were a stronger person, i'd end this RFN.

unfortunately for me, i'm not as strong as i like to pretend i am. i can talk the talk but when it comes down to it, i'm about as tough as jell-o. that's sitting outside. in the sun. under the sprinkler.

deja vu?

my last LTR began unraveling when i realized he was still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend. i don't know if they hung out (i'm sure they did) but i know they e-mailed and talked on the phone. when i first confronted him about it, he told me he wouldn't let it affect our relationship and if it bothered me that much, he would do something about it. he never did. in fact, when i confronted him about it again a year or so later, he told me that i was paranoid and he wasn't going to stop talking to a friend because i was being insecure. (he wasn't a very nice guy, in hindsight).

anyhoo, jump forward to the present and to my current beau. today we were at my house watching the hockey game. his phone rang and he scoffed when he saw the caller. then, he showed me his call display and said, "wanna say hi to your buddy?" it was his ex. i was so tempted to grab the phone out of his hand and say hello. in hindsight, maybe i should've. that would've shown him not to mess with me! :) anyway, she left a message. and i struggled as to whether or not i would say anything to him about it.

on the one hand, it did bother me. why is she calling him? has he told her he's seeing someone else? he doesn't need to tell her he's dating me but it would be nice if she knew that he wasn't waiting around for her anymore. and why does he still have her phone number in his phone? he just got a new phone a couple of weeks ago so he would have had to physically input her name and phone number into this new phone. so it's in there on purpose. WTF? and why, if he couldn't stand to be with her romantically anymore, is it okay now that they are just "friends"? i never understood why couples who break up insist on keeping in touch. no, i do understand because i did it too. i remained "friends" with my ex for a good month because where else was i going to get laid? find and break-in someone new? no thanks! so is that why they're still "in touch"? so they can reach out and touch each other if the drunken mood strikes? i say to you again - WTF?

on the other hand, i think i wanted to freak out and confront him because that's the way i've always done it. i've always been irrational and suspicious and accusatory. so i wanted to react that way by habit, but not necessarily because i felt like something was going on. it's not like he's hiding the fact that she phoned him. and in fact, he said he did it because he didn't want me to think he was hiding something from me. but he did say that they still "talk". whatever that means.

when he left, he asked me, "it doesn't bother you that she called me, does it?" the old me would've said, "no, not at all," and then freaked out on him later, either in an e-mail or in a totally unrelated situation. the new me said, "yes, it does, actually." point blank, no whining or accusing. he said, "you know there's no way i'll ever get back with her, don't you?" and i said, "no, i don't." it was somewhat comforting that he tried to assure me that he wouldn't get back together with her but at the same time, we're talking about two people who were together for six years and found a way to break up and get back together numerous times in those six years. how can he know that for sure? particularly if she actually doesn't know that he's dating someone new. i mean, really - whose feelings are more important to him? mine or hers?

but, the new me says that if he really wants to be with her, then he will. and like all the other heart breaks i've suffered, i will survive.

that gooey feeling

i wonder if i'm trying to rush things. actually, i don't need to wonder - i know i am. i just love this gooey, mushy, warm and fuzzy feeling i have had these past two or three weeks. ever since we hashed out the ex-GF thing, things have been so much better. and yet part of me wonders - is it really better or do i just want it to be better? am i making up things to create drama or am i really bothered by them?

i might just be having a hard time adjusting. after all, it's been four years since i've had to care about anyone else's feelings but my own. i have to get used to the differences between him and my previous BFs (not that he's got that title yet but it takes too long to call him "the guy i'm dating"). in many ways, probably in the "guy" ways, he's similar to my last BF. loves his sports and beer and macho, manly stuff. at the same time, also similar to the ex, he's really emotional and (even more so than the ex), emotive (i.e. he wears his heart firmly planted on his sleeve). that's pretty much where the similarities end but is that enough to make me feel cautious about what i'm getting myself into?

my insecurities have always gotten the better of me. i wonder when i'll finally allow myself to turn the tables and get a hold of them instead?

square two

well, things are back to normal. we had lunch earlier this week and hashed it out. there were no angry words or harsh tones. he said what he had to say, i said what i had to say and we came to an understanding that, really, was already there. it's just now spoken as opposed to un-.

after my lunch with him, i went back to my desk and my co-worker said to me, "so, do you always kiss strange men you meet on the street?" busted. apparently, as i began to answer, she could see my face turn from its normal color to a slightly more pink. i think it was just because i came in from the cold into a heated building. i don't blush.

it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood - maybe one of the last nice fall days we'll have this year. time to go for a walk with the myPod.

limbo?

i phoned him last night and it went to voicemail. i phoned him this morning and his phone was off so i left a message. i phoned him again this afternoon and it was still off. no e-mails. nothing. what the F?

was what i did a big enough thing to break up over? i mean, seriously! admittedly, i should've just brought it up when he was talking about her. playfully shot him down, you know? but to ignore my phone calls and messages? he always has time to phone me. it's funny how he can go from absolute adoration to downright jerkiness. i always did hate that damn pedestal.

i imagined last night that he was at his ex-GF's for dinner (because he told me on friday that she invited him for the family thanksgiving dinner - WTF?). this morning when he didn't answer the phone, i imagined that he was still at her house: a) asleep after OD'ing on too much turkey; or b) asleep after OD'ing on too much make-up sex. what do you think, too much time on my hands?

my horoscope from astrology.com popped into my inbox while i was waiting for him to email me (i know i'm pathetic). it said: "Now that someone or something that was nothing but trouble and worry has officially moved out of your life, you may be privately worrying that the other shoe is about to drop. Well, stop that, because that's just not the case. While, at the moment, one never knows what the Universe may have up its sleeve, there's absolutely no doubt that it will be good -- if not immediately, then in the long run, for certain. There. Better?"

eerie, eh?

wait a minute...

so he wasn't too happy with my e-mail. he replied back, saying i should've told him in person instead of through an email. my first instinct was to apologize, which i did. i replied back to him, saying that i was sorry that i chose this particular medium to communicate how i was feeling. i told him i did want to talk to him about it in person. then i said i would phone him tomorrow. and then i realized that i'm doing it again.

he totally turned this around on me. instead of just addressing the issue that i brought up, he gets upset because of the way i brought it up. and then, of course, i feel bad. but the issue is still out there, unaddressed. how is this all my fault in my head?

i really hope this is something that will blow over in a couple of days. at the same time, if it doesn't, obviously it wasn't meant to be...and all the other cliches that go along with self-talk.

i need help.

old habits

it bothers me that he still talks about his ex. it's never anything too praising or too damning but rather, it's anecdotes about their life together. and it's driving me nuts. it doesn't help that he has brought up not once, but twice how big her boobs are. i don't need to know.

so i sent him an email. one of my infamous "non-confrontational" emails, used to facilitate discussion. in it, i even said that if he needed time to work things out with her (because she emailed him on friday to invite him to dinner at her parent's place for thanksgiving) that i would step back and let him do what he needed to do. the weird part is that, despite the fact that i really like him, i'm not scared that he might actually take me up on it. perhaps it's because we really haven't been together all that long. it just feels like we have.

i have mentioned this many times but i hate that i think so much. it is more of a hindrance than a help but i can't figure out a way to deal with it. most of my relationship problems stem from my insecurities and i'm fully aware of that. yet, i still manage to think myself into a slight frenzy everytime things don't go quite the way i planned.

i made sure that any "threat" i made in my email, i was okay with going through with. i just hope i don't have to. even when he's making me crazy, i'd still rather be with him than be alone with my thoughts and theories. that's quite something if you know me.

cloud 5

i'm more than half-way to cloud 9...

work is going really well. i love it! i should really stop shying away from "real" paralegal work and just dive in but at the moment, they're being very nice about easing me into the flow so i'm going to milk it for as long as i'm able. i'm going to be in the bocce tournament on thursday night (assuming that i can finish my project before they all leave - i think i'll make it to dinner, if i don't make it to bocce). i'm in the firm's hockey pool with one of my lawyers. i work downtown. i don't fight traffic every morning and every afternoon. i get home by 5. OMG, don't pinch me - i don't want to wake up from this dream!

and then there is my other news... [for those that don't want to hear about my love life, you can stop reading now]


i'm dating someone :) ... someone really nice :) ... someone i didn't meet on the internet :) ... he's the cousin of a friend from school. i met him a couple of months ago at my friend's housewarming but didn't think much of him, except that he was dating this girl i went to highschool with. i met him again a month later at the same friend's wedding shower - sans girlfriend. the wedding was two weeks later and it was pretty apparent, even to me (!) that he was interested. have i mentioned that he's so nice?

i can't say that he's the type i normally go for. let's face it, i love the pretty boys... tall, lanky, blond, blue eyes, suave, sophisticated... blah blah blah. this one does not quite fit the profile. he's tall-ish (probably about 5'11), brownish-blond hair that's greying at the temples, and he's built like a football player (so not what i normally go for!). he's a big goofball that talks a lot and likes football way too much. did i mention he's nice?

ok, i'll stop talking about him because: a) i don't want to jinx anything; and b) i don't want to turn into "one of those girls". :)

why cloud 5? because i think it's only going to get better... (bring on the cheese!)

appreciation

my old boss sent me an e-mail yesterday. all it said was, "boy, do i miss you! i hope they appreciate you at your new place!" my new boss sent me an e-mail on tuesday, after i had sent him some documents i had transcribed, and he said, "thanks for your good work on these. the quality of your work is excellent, despite the fact that it's only your second day." it is hard not to feel smug and self-satisfied when you really are that good. (OMG, someone deflate her head)

i love working downtown. and i like where i work, although i'm pretty sure i'm not going to find any best friends in my office. nonetheless, everyone is nice to me and that's all i can ask for. any doubts i had about leaving my old job quickly went away. while i'm not doing the work i should be doing, i'm happy to just have work to do all day. i feel like i'm finally making a contribution (albeit small) and it's a pretty damn good feeling.

woo hoo!!

you don't know how good it felt to drive away from work yesterday. i had to resist the urge to do cartwheels (not because i thought it would be inappropriate - more that i can't do a cartwheel). it was weird, packing up my stuff, knowing that i'd never work in that basement again. saying goodbye to the families, talking of my plans. very strange, yet very, very liberating. my three lawyers took me to cioppino's in yaletown for lunch - i would've been happy if they had taken me to the cactus club but that shows you how high-end my tastes are. the food was okay - the server was a bit over-the-top (even the other servers rolled their eyes at him behind his back). the chocolate creme brulee was out of this world. i know someone with a creme brulee blow torch (whom I laughed at when she bought it) that might be interested in making it :)

at the same time as the realization that i would not be working for the company in the same capacity as i am now washed over me, a very frightening truth also came hurtling at me: i'm going to a job where i don't know anything. i hate that. i don't know how i'm going to get to the train station on monday (should i drive or should i take the bus?). i don't know what they'll expect from me on my first day...first week. i don't even have anything to wear. this is a disaster. what have i done???

the only comfort that i have is knowing that i left my current job with no regrets. that's gotta count for something, right?

wasted

i was hired to support three lawyers. to date, i've really only done work for two of them. i went to the third one's house today, just to install some files onto her computer. i had never really gotten the opportunity to chat with her before and so the only thing i had ever heard about her was what other people told me - and not all the things said were good. she said something very interesting to me today. she had asked me earlier what the reason i was leaving was and i told her that, basically, i needed a different working environment. i didn't bother getting into how much i didn't enjoy some of the work i did or any of that. a bit later on in our conversation, she said off-handedly that the reason why she never called on me to do any work for her was that the only work she needed done in her home office was her filing. she said that she felt it would be insulting to me, with all my education and how hard i've worked to get it, to ask me to do work that any 12 year old could do. whether she meant it or whether she just said it to make herself look good, i appreciate that she said it. at least someone recognizes that the job they've hired me to do is not one that requires someone that has a similar education as me. i think i can leave my job as i know it with a clear conscience.

moving on, moving up

today was my last day at the waterloo office. i felt really sad all day - almost like i didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone because i knew it would probably be the last time ever. i know it's strange - i'm a little too sentimental for my own good sometimes. i've only known these people for three months and actually, most of them for a total of 9 days. yet they were all very sociable and inviting - at least once or twice this week i re-thought whether or not my decision to leave the company was a good one. i asked my boss to hold off on sending out the "she's leaving" e-mail until i was back in vancouver - i figured that half of them don't even know who the heck i am so why bother? some of the girls from the department took me out for lunch today, which was very nice of them. i also got another offer for lunch from one of the lawyers, which was very nice of him as well (i turned him down - first to ask, first to be accepted, i say!). then, we all sat outside and ate our free ice-cream from the Dickie Dee man (one of the perks in the summertime from the company). i plan on sending my usual farewell e-mail next friday but only to a select few.

i'm a bit nervous about starting my new job - it's all happened so suddenly, really. last week at this time, i had just accepted the position. now i have a week until i start my new job - i have to figure out whether or not i'm going to take the train into work (with gas prices at 129.5/L, i'm leaning towards yes), fill out all of those stupid forms, buy some clothes to actually wear to work... crazy things are happening in such a short period of time. perhaps, for someone like me who tends to over-think everything, this is a good thing. it doesn't give me a lot of time to question or doubt. i just have enough time to get myself organized.

it's currently 10:15 pm in waterloo and i am sitting in my hotel room with my hair in curlers but no makeup on. why? because one of the lawyers at work (THE lawyer at work) asked me if i wanted to go out with him and his friends tonight. i've barely seen him all week and today, i had basically given up and said to myself, "start getting over it now because it's never going to happen." and then, as i was leaving (one of the last of 3 to leave today), he was in his office on the phone but his door was open (for once). i stood there until he noticed me and then i waved goodbye. he quickly got off the phone and came to the door to say goodbye. it was weird. it was like because no one was around, he was more friendly and more willing to just stand and shoot the shit. he hugged me goodbye and then said, "hey, what are you doing tonight?" he sent me an e-mail about 20 minutes ago, saying that he had just left work (!!!) and that he was pretty sure that his plans were to play poker but he would see if he could change them so his friends would want to go out. i told him to let me know. perhaps it still isn't meant to be. but i live in hope :)

i always get what i want

a bit of a bold statement, considering that i've wanted lots of things in the past and have never gotten them. :)

i gave my notice yesterday. i was sort of forced to do it - i meant to have the "talk" with my boss today but yesterday, i walked into the office and she almost immediately said, "i think you should come to waterloo with me next week. there are some meetings i think you should sit in on, for future reference." i figured that right then and there was as good a time as any. i told her, "ok but there's something i need to talk to you about first." i have a feeling she knew what was coming up - i just don't think she knew it would be as immediate as it ended up being. she was very understanding and at the end of our talk, said, "i told you before that you need to do what's best for you. i know you're not happy working in this small environment and this new opportunity sounds like it's right for you. i'm very happy for you." aside from the fact that her body language told me otherwise, i think i believe her :)

and i'm still going to waterloo next week - for the whole week! now, it's going to be to clean off my plate and make sure i don't leave any loose ends.

and, she's asked me whether or not i'd be interested in doing some contract work for her - basically the stuff i was doing (sans the stupid PA crap, i hope!) with agreements and stuff but on my own time - and i can name my hourly rate, with no set commitment for the amount of time. i'm going to look into what paralegals that contract out normally charge and if there is anything else i need to do, besides figure out how to invoice.

and if that wasn't crazy enough, yesterday another lawyer friend of mine e-mailed me and said, "hey, we've got an opening for a PI litigation paralegal immediately - are you interested?" jobs are falling from the sky. i think, if anything, these two job offers in four days means that i really was meant to leave my current job. i'll miss everyone (for awhile anyway) but i won't miss being bored out of my tree or pissed off because i can't print or irritated because the big boss is in a bad mood.

the only downside? i got all the paperwork to get myself set up at the new office - holy crap! now i remember why i don't switch jobs all that often. too much administrative work. i think my first day might be spent filling out the remainder of the paperwork. yikes.

i'm thinking of taking the train into work everyday. i think i'll try it out for the first month and see how it goes.

go west, young man, go west!

sentimentality v. logic

i've been offered a job at a downtown law firm for more money and excellent long-term potential. and they want me now. they're willing to wait the two weeks i'm contractually obligated to give in order to leave my current job. so what's the problem?

i'm soft; a sucker; a spineless jellyfish. despite the fact that i don't feel anymore loyalty than is required to fulfill any confidentiality provisions of my contract towards the company, i still feel like i'm leaving them in the lurch. i'm going to miss everyone i work with, despite the fact that, on my bad days (which is more often than not), most of them drive me nuts. i like the idea of working for an up-and-coming, multi-national. i like the perks that go along with it. i like the fact that the agreements that i help draft are going before heads of other big companies for their signature - something i worked on! i hate that i'll be leaving my position before i ever imagined i would. that it feels like i'm giving up - throwing in the proverbial towel. i hate that i think that they'll think i'm unprofessional if i leave before my contract is up, despite the fact that lots of professionals jump ship in order to further their professional development. i hate that i know what i have to do but i don't want to do it because it would be easier (on the one hand) to just continue to be a throw rug for these people. i hate that i know i'm going to ask every single person that crosses my path what i should do, despite the fact that the right thing to do is blazingly obvious to me. i hate that i think this much!!!

it's not easy being green - my head hurts.

pain in the neck

i need a massage. instead of the usual dull ache that i have at the base of my neck and across my shoulders (which i can live with most days), i have sharp, shooting pains that make it difficult for me to keep my head up for extended periods of time and it's hard for me to get out of bed. and i'm not sleeping well because the pain wakes me up frequently in the middle of the night.

i thought about phoning one of those mobile massage therapists - you know, the ones that bring their tables and their sheets and oil to your house? there was just something wrong with that to me - a bit dirty, if you will. so, i suffered through it all day yesterday and now, i've got to suffer with it at least another few hours. i made an appointment with a massage therapist about five minutes from where i work for five o'clock. hopefully, no body will need me at that time. i have no one working with me today - my boss is in waterloo this week - and the general counsel will be away for the next few days. they've left me to my own devices, which is never a good thing.

anyway, i found "my" massage therapist through a sheer stroke of luck. i first met him on my lunchbreak when i worked at the courthouse. he was and is the best massage therapist i've ever had. no other massage therapist has left me with zero pain the next day. he's got amazing hands :) and the best part is, i don't like him in that way! he's just a great massage therapist! i had my appointment with him this afternoon and i'm back again on saturday. sure, he works in kerrisdale but i always said that if i found him again, i'd follow him wherever he went. and i don't mean that in a stalkerish kind of way, i swear!

PMS

"physical manifestations of stress", that is. i hung out with general counsel today. surprisingly, this was one of my best days at work. i had work that kept me busy all day, no one really bothered me and i left a little early, feeling quite good. i already know that monday will be a long day but KB said i could come in late to make up for it. she also said that she and nas had a little chat and suggested that we go out for dinner next week to talk about a couple of my "issues" that i have with work. she said that she had a couple of solutions or suggestions that might work for me. this stressed me out just hearing it come from her. what could she possibly offer me? my biggest problem is that i don't work with anyone. what can she do? either let me work in waterloo for the remainder of my contract or bring people out here to work with me. anyway, this got me thinking and when i went out this evening with my friend from my old work, i had my future on the brain.

we talked quite a bit about what i should do. in the end, she gave me no real advice, just that i shouldn't apply for law school at least until i've worked as a paralegal for a couple of years. i was more or less convinced that i should go back to my government job come december and then, who walks into the restaurant but my manager from my old job. she came over to say hi at the end of dinner and said to me, "your ears must've been burning today. we were talking about you and figuring out whether or not we should include you in the budget for next year. you should give me a call one of these days." we filled her in on our dinner conversation about what i should do and she immediately said, "go to law school." we laughed about that for awhile and then i asked her, seriously, what she thought i should do (because everyone knows i can't possibly make this decision by myself). she said, "if i were your age, i'd have the world at my feet." what does that mean?? she also suggested that i take a workshop at UBC that, at the end of it, basically tells you what you should be (for only $1500). if i had that kind of money kicking around, i would do it. but i'd be afraid of what it had to tell me. weird eh?

anyway, my "PMS" popped up surprisingly fast. you know the problem i've been having since i was in san fran last summer? that started up again without warning this evening. my jaw hurts from the clenched teeth. i'm sure i'll wake up with a face full of stress-zits. and i still have no idea what i'm going to do.

i am wavering between what i think will be good for me and the security of what i already have. as janet said, not everyone has the kind of job security i've been blessed with these past couple of years but it's also the one thing that's holding me back from doing something a little more daring - perhaps even holding me back from performing as well at my current job as i normally would. maybe that's why i hate it so much - because i know i can. if they fired me on monday, i would shrug, say "thanks for all the free stuff", and phone up my old work and tell them i'm coming back a couple months early. and they would have to put me somewhere. that's job security. but i know it is holding me back - i've gone over it in my head and, aside from the pension, there is nothing that i can get in government that i couldn't get in a job in private practice. the differences in medical benefits at my current job compared to my government ones are marginal, although government is still better. what am i so worried about?

so, i'm still waiting for someone to tell me what i should do. in the meantime, i'll have dinner with the big boss next week and then, if i like what she has to say (and we will need to talk $$), then i'll let judy know that i don't plan on returning in december. gawd, that's scary. but when do you stay on the well-lighted path and when do you veer off into the dark unknown?

stuff

my boss gave me two days off as a reward for working the hours i've been working - today and tomorrow. i worked today from 3:30 to about 6:30 on a project that needed to get finished. and i had to drive into town to do it, even though i could've easily done it from home (or from the beach, as it were). in any event, it appears as though i'll be able to have my full day off tomorrow, although i have some work things i have to do in preparation for going back to work on friday. oh well, at least i don't actually have to come in.

the wedding went well. we had lots of fun. we rented a speedboat on the sunday and went tubing (i'm still hurting). then, later on in the afternoon, we couldn't stand the heat so we went for a drift down the canal in our innertubes. it would've been fun had i been able to keep up with the group but for whatever reason, my tube refused to drift as fast as the others. instead, i made friends with three drunk young men who offered me "7up" and asked me if i wanted to float with them instead. luckily, they caught the current that everyone else seemed to be on and quickly drifted past me. the drive to and from penticton was surprisingly enjoyable. i had absolutely no traffic (i took the coquihalla this time - yes, i found it) so i was flying along the highway. at one point, i glanced down at my spedometer because i thought i was going about 110km - i was going about 140 and climbing so i slowed down. that freaked me out that i zoned out so much i didn't know how fast i was going. scary. and a stone wall hit my rear bumper. i still cringe everytime i look at it. what an idiot.

i went out for coffee (well, bubble tea, sans the bubbles for me) with one of my last remaining internet date guys. i really liked him. we got along really well over MSN - chatting and whatnot - but i'm not sure it translated in real time. i thought it went well and he said he had a good time (it was just tea and a walk through QE park - how very british!) but i'm somehow not convinced. i guess i'll know if he meant it if he phones me again. or at least gets in touch with me. sigh. i hate dating. :)

i get to phone and nag my favourite lawyer in waterloo tomorrow. he's so cute. he's also got chest pains and he's getting tested for a heart condition - at age 34! and, he went back to work to "finish off some stuff" before he went home. what a workaholic! if i was there, i would've taken care of him. i felt like saying that while he was on the phone with my boss (on speakerphone, of course). i actually had to cover my mouth at one point to stop myself from saying, "i'll take care of you!" oh well. wasn't meant to be - i'm not in waterloo, am i?

road trip

i'm going to a wedding this weekend - in penticton. i'm driving there - by myself. someone shoot me. i hate driving to the grocery store, let alone driving halfway across the province! i am seriously considering bailing on this trip but my friend would have a fit. i would never hear the end of it. why didn't i just hitch a ride with someone??? HOLY F - i don't want to drive. and, of course, it would be faster for me to take the coquihalla but i'm so damn cheap that i don't want to spend the $20 round-trip toll. but if i took the hope-princeton, i'd tack on at least 30 minutes onto an already too long of a drive. and, it's 11pm and i'm not sleeping yet. i haven't even finished packing (trust me, it's a big thing, even for a weekend that i'll pretty much be spending in shorts and a tank top). this sucks.

putting out

good vibes, that is :)

my boss is on holidays from august 3 - 10th. one of the other vancouver lawyers is also on holidays during this time. this leaves me with the VP for six days. we don't want this - i'd be too stressed, i'd never get a break and i'd probably end up work 60 hours. so, say it with me:

"waterloooooo"

i figure if i think positively and anticipate being sent there for the week, the positive energy will make it happen. as well, i figure if things are meant to happen with my cute lawyer at head office (which quite obviously, they're not but i live in hope), then i will get sent to head office next week.

"waterloooooo"

in the alternative, he could get sent here and we could hang out at my basement office for the week... ooh, the scenarios that are running through my head right now...

"waterloooooo"

i believe in the power of positive thinking!

new opportunity

so i didn't end up getting yelled at by the VP. she was definitely cranky because she was sick but her sister had also come with me to work with her on an agreement and i was left to my own devices. dodged that bullet. but i've decided that for the remainder of my time at my job, i'm going to need to care more. this is my problem: i don't care about my work. it's unusual for me because my reputation at work is everything, particularly in such a small community as the legal one. but since i work with people who aren't in the private sector, my reputation doesn't mean as much as if i were working at an actual law firm. but i need to care - i'm ashamed of some of the work i've been producing and that's no good. i'm turning over the new leaf, three months after the fact.

speaking of new leaf, a friend of mine at my old work e-mailed me a secondment opportunity that she thought i'd be interested in. i have a feeling she has much more confidence in my abilities than i do, judging by the job requirement sheet that was attached to her forwarded e-mail. initially, i briefly glanced over the "Core Competencies" section of the requirements sheet and was immediately intimidated - i didn't feel like i possessed anything they were looking for. i had some of the "Additonal Qualifications" but i figured if i couldn't hack the "Core" then I might as well not even try.

she sent it to me earlier this week and it was only yesterday that i decided i would take a good look at it. while i'm still not sure exactly what the position entails nor what this particular facet of the organization does (much like when i started with the Crown), the idea sounds interesting. i don't think it would involve anything particularly "legal" in nature, which is a bit of a turn-off, but it's only a one-year secondment and it could prove to be a very eye-opening experience. i've decided that, despite the fact that i don't feel i'm at all qualified for it, i'm going to apply for the position. after all, you can't get something you don't try for, right? the only downside is that the position is at headquarters in victoria. i guess it doesn't really matter as it seems that all of my friends are moving away for work and school or they live elsewhere anyway. i guess i figured that if i was going to move somewhere to work, that i'd go big - across the country, to the states or to another continent. not just across the pond :) but that's me counting the proverbial chickens - and my chickens get counting more than most people's, i think.

oh, the anticipation!

you know what's worse than getting yelled at? knowing you're going to get yelled at in advance and having to wait for it. i made a boo-boo at work - i was using a USB drive to work on files that one of the lawyers, who was borrowing a computer, was working on. i saved the work to the USB drive (which isn't mine) but failed to save it to my own computer nor did i save it to the shared file on the network. and guess which files were urgently needed by the VP on monday? i thought about saving all the files on that drive to my computer "just in case" and i would sort it out later but ended up not doing it. in hindsight... anyway, on monday, they were on a frantic search and discovered my error. i was supposed to go by the VP's house to pick it up on monday but was told to "swing by and pick it up when she's back home on thursday" (read: you're in trouble). if that wasn't bad enough, they phoned me again today to ask for another file that i hadn't saved to the network, nor to my computer (which led me to believe I hadn't worked on it until the lawyer said otherwise - I still don't remember working on it). it was on the USB drive, though. it's not enough to get me fired but it's enough to get an earful. crap.

numb

i'm not feeling much about anything lately. work's ok, although i'm still determined to leave after my 6-month stint (and since i think i'm going to get yelled at on thursday, i'd like to leave as of today!). love life is non-existent but i'm feeling fine about that. family life is still a bit rocky, although it shouldn't be anymore but it's better than it was a week ago. no, nothing's going on in my life right now. perhaps that's why i'm feeling a bit down. i worked three 12-hour days last week so perhaps i'm still tired. i spent all of sunday reading the new harry potter book so perhaps that relaxed feeling has carried into the week. i don't know what it is. i feel blah today. did i feel like that yesterday? have i felt like that all this week? hard to tell. i had a grand time on saturday night. i went to my grandma's house for her birthday party and i was laughing it up with some of my cousins, which is not something i get to do often anymore. but did i feel blah that day too? i'm no longer aware of how i feel day-to-day...bad sign. :) i need to get back to the gym or some regular form of physical activity - perhaps that will give me the pick-me-up i need.

i wish it was october 28th.

write-off

when do you write off a member of your family? it's a question i've been asking myself for a couple of weeks now and i'm stuck between 21st century, north american sensibilities and good, ol' fashioned family values. on the one hand, family is everything - when your friends and acquaintances have faded away, all you have left is your family. on the other hand, is maintaining a relationship with a family member (just for the sake of having the relationship and alleviating some guilt) worth risking your mental health and all-around happiness? what if this person has written you off first - do you become the "bigger person" and continue to maintain a thread of the former relationship to keep up appearances or do you respect their feelings and become part of their history? what if you don't even care? a lot of questions that i don't have any answers for. no clue.

waterloo de-brief

on paper, i work for a really great company. visiting head office last week was eye-opening, but not all in a good way. the company itself is one of the best to work for in Canada - they seem to really value their employees and reward them with lots of little perks (free Star Wars preview, logo clothing, free exclusive concerts - the rolling stones for their 20th anniversary, great physical working environment, picnics and golf tournaments and can you say "expense it?"). if i could move the legal department to vancouver, i'd stay with this company indefinitely. or would i? the one thing i learned about the "legal assistants" in waterloo is that they are really glorified secretaries (no disrespect intended) / personal assistants. i mean, i know it's hot out and you're the VP but really, couldn't you walk to the other building? it's across the street! and doing the nails of my lawyer is way beyond where I draw the line. maybe i just have a really self-important view of what a paralegal is but in staying with this company for a long period, i don't think i'll ever realize my vision of what a paralegal is. i might be able to make it more than what it is now but in reality, they'll never move the legal department here and that's pretty much what will determine whether i actually stay or whether i go.

the lawyers were awesome - and two of them were really cute :) (although, one I work with directly and another...well, I thought he was showing some interest until, as i was leaving the building on my last day, I saw him chatting up some bottle-blonde princess in the parking lot. then i realized i wasn't his type!). the support staff was mostly good but you could sense that some of them didn't really like that i was there - nor did they appreciate the circumstances which brought me there (i.e. the VP's favouritism). doesn't matter - i had fun, despite the 12 hour days - of doing nothing. i was begging for work on the monday - so much so that rumour got around and one of the lawyers whom i don't really work with asked me if i wanted to do some filing - i jumped at the chance. but, i'm glad i got to meet everyone.

waterloo itself is...um...boring. because of the 12 hours days, i never did get to shop at the outlet mall, which was probably a good thing. i didn't get to go to the african lion safari but that's ok - really, lions in Waterloo? i did get to catch the tail end of the multi-cultural fest on the sunday but it was wrapping up, literally, as we walked into the park. there area lot of parks in waterloo. and a lot of brick houses (the Commodores' song runs through my head everytime i think about the houses there). the seagram's distillery was turned into loft housing - gorgeous. one of the lawyers told me that he looked into buying one when he moved there a couple of years back. the lofts were about 1400 sq ft., in a decent area of town and cost about $216,000. my jaw dropped. you can get a loft that's about half that size in gastown (!!!) for the same price. apparently, they're not selling well as for the same price, you can buy a house. i'd buy the loft :)

i seriously considered moving to waterloo after my six month stint so i could work with everyone at head office - seriously. and then, the tuesday thunderstorm hit and i was longing to be back on the west coast. they all laughed at me, cowering in my cubicle. "this is nothing - we had a tornado touchdown last week." excuse me - when is the next flight out of kansas??? and i don't know how many people expressed how lucky i was to be living in the most beautiful city in canada and how many people told me that the food was way better in vancouver than toronto.

so, my decision for the week is that i'll wait out my six months, go back to my job with the crown after that and try to get into the DOJ while i work my old job. gimme my pension!

waterloo-woo-hoo!

i am writing from the st. jacob's inn in waterloo-woo-hoo! i left vancouver at 7am - dropped off my car at the park n fly and set off on my little adventure. the flight went fine - the in-flight movie was "Hitch" so it couldn't get much better than that (unless they showed "Batman Begins" - and Christian Bale was in the seat beside me. then it would've been sweet!). the food was bad but that's not a surprise. the hotel is nice but way the hell out of the way. i hope the outlet mall across the street makes up for the fact that, despite the fact i'm in a college town, i'm not seeing any cute college boys! i saw some when michelle came to take me for dinner - she took me on a tour of kitchener-waterloo and i had dinner at eastside mario's (now that i've done it, i don't need to do it again!). we had gelato on king street and went to the multicultural festival in victoria park. and it's only day one! we also toured the new building - it's huge. i really do work for a huge company. you just can't tell from my basement windows in vancouver. looking at the time on my computer, it's only 6:40 in vancouver but it's bedtime for me here. the office is only 10 minutes away so i could actually sleep in quite a bit. had i known this, i would've brought more hair care products - curling iron, etc - as i now have time to make myself up in the morning. i guess i'll just eat breakfast instead. i hate continental breakfasts. i even hate the name. they make it sound all important and foreign when it's really just stupid pastries. where are the eggs and sausages???

Waterloo, here I come!

Well, just when i think i'm ready to quit my job, they do something nice like send me on a business trip! Ok, it's not to the UK, which i was hoping for but i do get to check out the "campus" in Waterloo, Ontario. Waterloo-woo-hoo. I'll be gone from Sunday to Thursday - I'll probably have no time for myself to explore the Outlet Mall that is across the street from my hotel but what the hell, at least I'll be working in a real office for four days. And when I get back, it's a long weekend! There's a wild animal park that offers a safari that I'd like to check out but I'd have to leave early, early Sunday morning in order to do that. If that's what they book, then that's what I'll do but I'll likely get into Waterloo in the evening. Oh well, it is, after all, a bid-ness trip, right? I guess I can't quit just yet... :)

would you like some cheese with that whine?

i'm unhappy. i spent last thursday night and last saturday night relaying to anyone who would ask that i don't like my job. and i felt bad doing it - i mean, they were probably just trying to be polite by asking, "so, how's the new job going?" but i figure, if they're going to ask, they'd better be prepared for the answer!

it's not that i don't like the people - person - i work with. she's great - very patient and jovial, albeit a little unclear in giving instructions but that's just a matter of asking for clarification (four or five times). it's not that i don't like the company i work for - i've already received a couple of the "perks" that go along with working for a big company (movie tickets, free logo-embossed clothing, umpteen free lunches). but happiness is not free coffee and a paycheque. at least, for me it isn't.

i've been going over it a lot in my head since last thursday. am i just looking for something bigger and better because a friend of mine is going to law school and i think i should be going too? am i looking for acceptance, praise and security? i could go back to my old job for that. am i looking to utilize the knowledge and skills i've accumulated over the past two years because they're paid for so i should use them? or am i looking for the love boat - something exciting and new?

there's a small possibility that they could be opening up a proper, satellite office here. when i found that out, i thought, "okay, definitely staying on at least for another six months if this happens. i'll be able to work in a real office, meet real people, be involved in real office politics, go for real coffee breaks. excellent!" and then i remember that one of my wants was to get back to government - provincial or federal - and continue earning my much-sought-after pension. and i compared my company's benefits plan with the government's and the government's (medical and dental at least) is much better. i probably won't make as much money as i would in my present job (although, i'm not so sure about that) but i'd make enough and have my time off too. that's good, isn't it? until i remember my friend that is off to law school and think, "i can do that too" even though i don't have any real desire to practice law as a lawyer. or am i just scared of the responsiblity? hmmm... yikes. and then i think of my cousin who's living in san francisco and my friend who is moving to new york today and think, "i'm not tied down to anything here - boy, mortgage or kid - why not work elsewhere and live a little?"decisions, decisions.

i don't know why i can't just be happy with what i have, why i'm always looking for something better. they say that if you hear something enough, you start to believe it. people i used to work with would tell me that i deserved better, usually in reference to a boy i had a crush on but also referring to my entry-level position jobs. maybe it's a bad thing that an indecisive person like me begins to believe that i deserve better because i'll never be able to decide what "better" actually is.

back to the small picture - my current job. i'm seriously considering going back to my program coordinator, asking for a new practicum and pretending this one never happened. but it's my damned pride that gets in my way - the preservation of my reputation in the legal community is of utmost importance to me! i can't just quit after 6 weeks but i don't see how my issues with this job will ever be resolved, aside from by my contract ending. but can i last another 4 1/2 months doing nothing that involves my training or my brain???????

moments

on my drive into work this morning, i was listening to a CD that i made a couple of years ago called "you remind me" (referring, of course, to the Usher song of the same name). all the songs on the CD remind me of memorable moments or people in my life, either present or past. r. kelly's "i believe i can fly" came on and a really sweet and cool memory came back to me:

i was volunteering as a chaperone for my brother's grade 4 or 5 field trip - i don't even know where we went. we were on the school bus which was equipped with speakers. the bus driver, being the cool old guy that he was, had hooked up his portable CD player and was playing the "Space Jam" soundtrack as we drove. i remember that all the kids were chattering away and the adults were scattered around the bus to ensure that no one got out of hand. no one was really paying attention to the drive or the music that accompanied us. then, "i believe i can fly" came on. it starts of soft so you couldn't even tell it was playing. at the first round of the chorus, one ham in the class started singing at the top of his lungs - crazy 10 year old boys. at the second round of the chorus, a few more kids joined in - still just goofing off but with a little more feeling now. the final round of the chorus, when the gospel choir in the song joins in, the whole bus - teachers, bus driver and yours truly included - started singing. it sounds like nothing - just a single moment in time that wasn't even significant. but i still get goosebumps just thinking about it - it almost makes me cry.

i read somewhere once that life is made up of moments and i believe it. when i look back on my life (particularly now that it's only 8 days until my 29th birthday - my 30th year of being on this earth), all i can remember are moments. some more clear than others and others more memorable than some. i think when people talk about having a good life, they are talking about having a life of moments - moments to remember, whether good or bad. some moments are always in the short term memory and others are retrieved from the long term memory by a subtle reminder - like a song.

secrets

i found a blogsite that has a really interesting premise: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ . i'm thinking of sending my own postcard in, though which secret to reveal might take some deciding...

decisions, decisions

i went to a goodbye dinner for our regional crown, who has transferred to (shudder) Main St. it's actually a bad thing for us but a good thing for Vancouver - they might end up being half-way decent place to work under his leadership. and talk about fate - as i stood there, waiting for the elevator to get to the party, who walks into the building but dave - breakfast-jammer dave. he looked good but i looked better :). we chatted briefly on the elevator and he apologized again for skipping on our breakfast plans and once again, i told him it was fine. later that night, i was at the bar buying a drink and he pops up behind me and says, "are you buying me a beer?" so i did. it was a Heineken too. what a sucker, eh? even dea asked me later that night, "when are you going to stop torturing yourself?" i couldn't come up with a definite answer.

anyway, spending the evening with my old crown cronies made me miss my work there a lot - made me miss everyone even more. i joked that i was going to return to crown after my practicum because i wanted my pension! that's half right - i know that if i stick it out where i am long enough, i'll start to feel like a contributor soon enough but there are just so many things that i can't get over that it doesn't even seem worth it to stay beyond my committment. and so i don't think i will - that much is decided. what is not decided is where i'll go.

my biggest problem is that i'm always looking a little further ahead to see if i can get something better - hence, my problem. i would be perfectly happy going back to work for government but at the same time, i'd wonder what i was missing in private practice - would i be missing more money, prestige, recognition, love? i have a quote on my ever-changing yahoo page from ben stein that says: The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. sounds simple but it isn't. what do i want?

i was all bent out of shape last night. a friend of mine has just gotten accepted into law school and i'm thrilled for her. but at the same time, i'm a little green because that could've been me. and i was even more green when my favourite boss of all time, who is now a very Honourable Judge of the Provincial Court of BC, came up to her and started chatting to her about what law school would be like. he was telling her about how she should look forward to reading the decisions of a very controversial but brilliant English Justice that wrote decisions in the 1950s and 60s that just don't get the same recognition as they used to. he couldn't remember the name and neither could she but as he talked about him, i piped up and said, "is that Lord Denning?" much to my chagrin, he didn't hear me but she did and she said, "is it Lord Denning?" i was a bit cheesed because he said, "yes! denning, that's right. brilliant writer." steal my thunder! i stole it back when they were having a discussion about who owns police notebooks - the police or the officer? she thought that the RCMP did because the notes were taken in the course of their employment. he thought that it was the officer because it was their thoughts on the paper. i piped up and said, "well, from an intellectual property standpoint, it's the officer because it's their intellectual property on the paper." he said, "hey, that's a good point!" i was glowing :)

anyway, i've had my accolades given to me (is that right?) - i've done my school and people have thrown me parties and congratulated me for my courage to leave my comfort zone and branch off to new territories. but i can't help but think of how thrilled some people would be if i got into law school - more than one of the crown i've worked with have tried to sway me and quite successfully as the idea is still sitting in the back of my mind. i always say to give me time to rest - 24 years straight of going to school is a bit much. maybe in two or three years? or one!

one thing's for sure - i need to move!

the older i get, the more i cry

is that the way it is with everyone? when i was in my early 20s, the only time i would ever cry was when ... well, almost never. sure, i cried when my boyfriend made me mad or when i would have an argument with my mom. but over TV commercials and movies - never! now that i'm reaching my 30s, it's not that way anymore.

i watched the movie "The Notebook" the other weekend. the story is a heart-wrencher anyway but the first time i saw it in the theatre last year, my eyes remained dry throughout the entire flick. even the ending to one of the stories didn't tug at my rusty-ol' heartstrings. my teenage cousin, who cried almost from the beginning, turned to me as the lights went up and looked at me with her red, puffy eyes and said, "you are a robot!" but i did love the movie and so i bought it for my collection. i'm very glad that i watched it while i was alone and housesitting a couple of weeks ago because i cried like a baby with colic - i could barely control myself. by the end of the movie, i wasn't fit to be seen and i had a headache from all the crying. can you believe that?

it's not limited to movies, either. a touching (but cheesy) moment on prime-time TV has been known to start the waterworks in me of late. picking out a birthday card for a good friend sometimes does it. heck, i cry in the car if i sing along to a particularly sappy song. i've had many strange looks from other people driving alongside me. is it PMS or am i losing what's left of the marbles?

perhaps it is because i have more experiences to draw from now - when i was 20, i had one and half boyfriends in my past to draw any kind of emotional response from. now, i have had several successful failures of relationships to be able to relate to any given movie, love song or the like. perhaps with age comes maturity and with maturity comes a more heightened sense of loss and sorrow. or perhaps i'm just feeling a little melancholy.

naw! i think i'm a sap at heart - it's just the tough, crabby exterior that protects my oversized, ultra-sensitive heart from getting trampled on. perhaps this is why i have such trouble connecting with people on a sub-surface level?

i think too much

it all began (again) when i was debating with myself whether to get out of the online dating circle again. i've been doing it for a good two months this time around and it's yielded two or three potentials, one casualty and a lot of doubts about whether it is the right thing to do. one the one hand, who's to say that meeting someone online is any better or any worse than meeting someone at a bar? personally, i'm just as hesitant to advertise that the guy i'm interested in was the result of a bar pickup as i would be if i had met him on a dating website. in fact, i think the dating website is much more logical than meeting a drunk guy at the pub. but then i think, "is love supposed to be logical?"

i love the idea of online dating because it's organized and it cuts out a lot of the usual malarky that goes along with "getting to know someone". you put up a profile and tell potential dates about what you're looking for. if they don't measure up, they shouldn't even try. if they do try but don't get a response, they shouldn't be surprised. you tell them about yourself and they can determine whether you are what they are looking for. then you meet for coffee and determine whether there is any real chemistry. and it goes from there. simple, eh?

but it hasn't turned out to be simple. i've spent so much time wondering what i was doing wrong - i was "meeting" all of these great-on-paper guys that looked great in person but there were no sparks. not even a flicker. and then it occurred to me: perhaps it's not working because it's just not happening the way it's supposed to. you know, "naturally".

i subscribe to many schools of thought about how men and women should get together. the romantic in me thinks that it should all happen "when it happens". you know - the stolen glance across the bread aisle at Safeway, the shy smiles exchanged in the elevator on the way to work, that sort of thing. the realist in me knows that Mr. Right isn't going to come knocking at my door (although there was a cute FedEx guy that came to my door a little while ago...but i digress) and that i have to take some initiative to find a date. since my friends are either single and looking or married and only hang out with other married people (or, they say they're going to set me up with "this great guy at the office" but they never do), i can't really depend on someone else to deal me my fate. my fate is in my own hands. or is it?

this brings me to my further thoughts on relationships - do you make your own fate or does fate just happen? did my turning on the radio and hearing the song that reminds me of the guy that i was going to breakup with mean that i should give him another chance? or was it just a coincidence? does the fact that i hear the somewhat-unusual (but not altogether unique) name of my crush in a stranger's conversations mean that it was meant to be or does it mean that i'm just more atune to his name? does this rather lengthy and quasi-philosophical post mean that i need to stop leading with my head and start leading with my heart? easier said than done.

the head vs. heart battle is one i will be fighting for the rest of my life. listening to my heart is what gets me into these messes. listening to my head is what gets me out of them. the problem is, i kind of like being in messes sometimes. but i can't figure out which ends up hurting more: my head or my heart?

glutton for punishment

as you know, i'm in yaletown for the weekend. i e-mailed my friend from work who i know lives down here and whom i've been trying to get out for about...oh, two years now. i used to have a crush on him...used to, listen to her!...but now, i just have friendly feelings towards him (read: i still like him but i've given up on any hope that he'll like me in return). we've been out once. it was awkward, to say the least. i had asked him out on valentine's day (!!!) and he said no and that he'd rather stay in bed and listen to sad songs. but he suggested a movie the following week. we went. i met him at the theatre and after the movie, we went for a drink. he walked me to my car and i basically jumped in it and left. it wasn't that abrupt but you get what i'm saying - i didn't hang around long enough to see if there would be any good-night extras. it's never been the same since. we get along so well and he's so easy to talk to. i don't know that he feels the same way about me but i'd like to think so :) all of our plans over the past two years to get together, just for coffee, have always fallen by the way-side.

anyway, i know he lives downtown so i e-mailed him on thursday and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee or lunch this weekend. i told him where i'd be staying (the cross-streets) and it turns out he lives a block away from here. we agreed on a sunday morning coffee. i was so looking forward to it. he e-mailed me last night, late, saying that he had just gotten home from the office and that he was going out that night. he asked me to phone him after 10AM. so, i waited until 10:30 and phoned him. he was still in bed. he apologized and i asked him about his night (which he said sucked) and then i told him to go back to bed. and now, i'm sad.

i knew this would happen. i always know what's going to happen. yet, i always try anyway. perhaps i'm more emotionally masochistic than i thought (or is it sadistic?). anyway, i'm done trying (for now). i'll never e-mail or phone him again (until the next time i get the urge to see him). he's not my type anyway (if nice and sweet and smart and adorable is not my type). blah.

not that i'm counting...

but yesterday was exactly a month until my birthday.

nice weather we're having...

i love how predictable people can be. you know that when you get on a elevator with two or three people already on it, when the doors shut, all eyes will look up. if they don't, inevitably, someone will talk about the weather - how about that rain, what a beautiful day, can you believe how windy it was last night... you know that when you walk into a store, there will be someone who asks you how you are doing. students know that when they meet fellow students, the first question that is asked after, "where do you go?" is, "so, what are you taking?" all of these niceties that people exchange everyday but perhaps, don't even mean. i know i've been guilty of asking someone how they were and, after they told me they were fine (and they're almost always fine, good, doing well, or okay), i immediately responded "i'm good, thanks." how many times have i had to blubber my way through the embarrassing realization that they didn't ask me how I was doing?

my favourite example of habitual actions is one involving a greeting card that got sent around at my old workplace one day. it was for a delightfully ascerbic woman in accounting who had just had gall bladder surgery. as i opened up the card and tried to find space to write my well-wishes, i noticed that our GM (the very cute but obviously very preoccupied, son of the CEO of the corporation we worked for) had written, "happy birthday! love luke".

i've tried to make a conscious effort to be aware of what i say and what sentiments i express. i try never to tell someone they look good if they don't. i try never to tell someone their newborn is the cutest baby i've ever seen (because newborns are not cute in the two-year old, look-at-me-i'm-so-precocious-way - they are little, wrinkled alien children). admittedly, i've been guilty of saying, "it was good seeing you. we should get together soon!" to people i would never normally want to admit knowing. i have even been known to (shudder) do the mini-scream, outstretched arms and hug for people i haven't seen in a long time (and there's always a reason why i haven't seen them in a long time...). but for the most part, i try to be sincere. at least, i try to make myself believe that i'm being sincere.

if the outfit my friend is wearing is horrific and i don't think she can take the honest truth, i'll pick out two or three separate things i like about it: love the color, is that Ralph Lauren?, the cut on those pants is great. granted, i don't have many friends that dress outrageously and if they do, they don't normally ask for my opinion so i'm safe there. same with the alien babies. i pick something innocuous and say something cute - look at your tiny feet! i can't believe how tiny she is! ooh, i could just eat you up! it's what psychologists call "lies of omission". you learn to do it as a kid and you continue to do it as an adult. the little white lies. but that's what i love about human nature. everyone does it. and everyone always will.

so much for progress.

damn seagulls

it wasn't the ever-present sound of sirens or late-night revellers that kept waking me up last night. it was the call of the rats with wings at 5AM this morning. and no, they weren't saying, "mine, mine, mine" a la "Finding Nemo" but, if translated from the seagull language, i'm sure it would be close. don't get me wrong; the sound of a seagull's cry reminds me of being by the ocean. but since i am three blocks from the seawall at the moment, the sound is not as appreciated as it would be were i lying on a sandy beach somewhere.

time for a shower. i've got a yaletown apartment to myself for the long weekend. so what am i going to do? go to bellingham for the day :)

yaletown weekend

keeping in line with my role as a cat-sitter, i have agreed to look after my friend, kerri's, cat for the weekend. the clincher? she and her boyfriend live in yaletown. like i could say no! i am currently sitting in their solarium, looking out at their 11th floor view. i can see "the elbow room" from here and a guy digging through the garbage bins. ah, downtown life.

their apartment is great. craig gave me the grand tour yesterday. the funniest part was that i had parked at one of the metered parking stalls but didn't have any change. since i figured he was only going to hand me the keys and run out to his dragonboat practice, i figured i'd be okay for five minutes. twenty minutes later, i came out to my car - it was still parked where it was supposed to be and there was no ticket. i'm telling you, things keep going like this (aside from when my car got locked in the underground parkade - also in yaletown, about a block away from here), i'm really going to start believing that i'm above the parking laws in this city. ah, the power. anyway, back to the apartment. it overlooks the hundreds of other apartments within a four block radius but it's kind of nice. so different from suburbia. perhaps not really me but different in a good way. i think i may have to try out the hot tub on the 2nd floor - it's outdoors.

the only thing i forgot to ask them was how to buzz people into the building. i know the code to give and i've finally found the phone that you use to do so but i don't know which key it is. some places is "6"; others, it's the "#" sign. how am i supposed to eat if i can't order in??? normally, i'd be okay going out to eat on my own but for some reason, doing it in yaletown just doesn't feel right. i haven't been eating dinner the past few weeks anyway but, of course, i'm feeling hungry now. i wish i had someone in town that i could call - i asked dave if he wanted to go for lunch this weekend and he said he's working all weekend on a file but can make it for coffee on sunday morning. he lives about a block and a half from here - what a coincidence, eh?

anyway, i'm going to "unpack" (i managed to bring one small overnight back for three nights!) and then figure out if i'm really hungry or not. probably not.

my birthday

I made this page for my previous blog site, which enabled you to have your favorite links down the side of your page. Since this blog site doesn't seem to allow you to do that (but it does allow you to archive, which rocks), I will just post my birthday page here and that will be it:
http://ca.geocities.com/miss_mayette/birthday.html

butterflies

Is it bad that, after two weeks, I don't want to go to work anymore? If I were just working with the one lawyer whose house I'm based at, I think I'd be okay. I'm comfortable and I like how patient she is. After all, she was a teacher in my program at one point so she knows what I'm capable of. I re-met the other two lawyers on Friday, accompanied by one of the paralegals from head office who was visiting. And not just ANY paralegal - it was WonderParalegal. The one that has made herself available to the legal department 24/7 - quite the legend to live up to I'd say.

I've dealt with difficult lawyers before - it's the nature of the profession, unfortunately. But I think what's worrying me is that I'm unsure of what my role is right now. I know I can do the job but I don't know what to what level I'm being expected to perform at, particularly now that week two is over. I know that sounds ridiculous but Worry is my middle name. I'll be working with the VP of the Legal Department - no pressure! Her own sister (who is the lawyer I work with most) says she's impatient and expects perfection. I've already worked with a [Fill in the Blank] like that and it was stressful. I hope anything that I have to do for her is strictly organizational - filing, shredding and shipping.

I think it's also because I already know that I don't want to stay with the company. I mean, I do but not if it means that I'll be working out of a basement for the rest of my career. I don't even want to do it for the next 5 1/2 months. I already feel like I'm isolated from the rest of the world in my personal life - I don't want to feel that way in my professional life as well. One of the reasons I chose to switch careers was that I wanted to be able to meet different people in everyday work life - lawyers, clients, people at the coffee shop in the lobby. Everyday, I work with one person. I hear dozens of people on speakerphone everyday but that doesn't make a relationship, particularly if they live in another province. I suppose I could visit the Starbucks four blocks away everyday but that's just stupid. I thrive on the comraderie and social atmosphere an office environment offers. I'm afraid that with this basement-dweller job, I'm going to sink further into my introversion and never be able to work with a group of people again. Again, I know that's stupid but that's just how I'm feeling today. If they hire someone to take over Jennifer's position, I'll be thrilled. Even if it's not someone in the program.

My final word on this is that I know I'm focused on my inadequacies in my job because I don't want to think about my inadequacies in my personal life. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure today - don't mind me, though. I need to feel sorry for myself every once in awhile. It makes me laugh at how pathetic I'm being. And then I bounce back. Only, I'm not feeling very bouncy today. Bounce, bounce.

On a high note, I spent way too much money this weekend on spa treatments for myself. Yesterday, I got my hair cut and highlighted (I don't really like the highlights but perhaps it's because they are lighter and I'm not used to them). This morning, I went for a salt scrub, shea butter body wrap and an aromatherapy massage. I believe I need to make today's event a monthly thing. I'll make a note in my CrackBerry. :)

Back Issue - "Solo in South America"

Friday 05.06.05 [9:47 pm]
I went to see a show last night by a local photographer named William Jans (/). He's a photographer that travels the world, takes pictures and video of his experiences, and puts together a show about it. I first learned of it from a friend of mine whose husband traveled with William to Nepal. I was expecting a glorified slide show with some stories thrown in. I was wrong. In one word, the show was "amazing". Complete with costume changes and city safety ratings, it was a highly entertaining and dynamic presentation.
The show last night was called "Solo in South America". He went to Brazil for Carnaval and to trek through the rainforest, Peru to climb Machu Picchu, Bolivia to tour the salt mines, and the Galapagos Islands to chill with the turtles. His photographs were fantastic - they seemed alive, even without the stories to go with it. The videos were hilarious. All of his pictures and videos are self-shot - you can always see his arm outstretched in the picture or in the video. He had this one clip where he was taking video of himself in a crowd of people during an Easter celebration. As he's pointing the camera down at himself and the rest of the crowd, you can see that the guy behind him is picking his pockets - and he got it all on tape. Crazy!
I would love to see his "Trekking in Tibet" show as well as any other ones he has coming out. If you ever get a chance to see him, I highly recommend it. This is definitely not your neighbour's vacation slide show!