serendipity

or at least, a damn spooky coincidence. here was my day...

first thing this morning, despite the fact that in the past few days, i've barred myself from checking e-mails as frequently as i normally do, i couldn't stop myself from checking my e-mail to see if he had sent me something. he had. it was a short note that basically said that he understood that this is how i was dealing with it but he at least expected me to say goodbye. reacting on pure emotion, i e-mailed him back and said, "And I thought you would have been kind enough to at least tell me in person. Take care of yourself. I will miss you." i cried when i sent it off (gawd, i hate hormones!) but i felt so much better after sending it - my heart felt lighter and i actually felt happier than i have since friday. it just goes to show that you really should deal with things the way you (as opposed to someone else) feel like you should deal with things. leaving his e-mail unanswered left me with no closure, although i felt like i was doing the right thing because everyone was unanimous about telling me to leave it be. all of a sudden, life was liveable again and i didn't feel like i was constantly stopping myself from tearing up.

i had a doctor's appointment this morning so i took the bus from my office downtown to the west side at granville & 7th. i was early getting to my appointment (it was at 9:15 - the first one of the morning) but i went in anyway because it was cold and rainy outside. i was out by 9:10. i figured i had lots of time to watch buses go by to see which one would feasibly take me back downtown. as i stood at the crosswalk at 7th and granville, bundled up in my gortex and fleece jackets (hood and all), i looked directly across the street where a green Explorer was parked. i thought, "i'll never be able to look at one of those again without thinking it's him." i crossed granville and then i crossed 7th, passed a new starbucks on the corner. the guy that was walking in front of me veered in the direction of the starbucks and out of the corner of my eye (as my peripheral vision was a bit inhibited with my two hoods), i could see him hesitate as he opened the door. instinctively, i shifted my purse to my other hand.

just then, i don't know if i heard my name (through the layers of the hoods, probably not) or if something else just caught my eye but i turned around to look back at the starbucks door and there he was, standing in the doorway, looking as surprised to see me as i was to see him.

i walked back over to him. he asked me what i was doing there and i told him i was at the doctor's and that i was on my way back to work. he tried to make light of meeting so coincidentally and i started to cry (damn hormones!!!). i don't really remember what we said. a lot; not much at all. i remember telling him that he over reacted to everything which is why things were as hard as they appeared to be. he was mock-insulted. but it's true. i agreed to talk with him about everything at another time and we parted ways.

i can't help but see signs and coincidences wherever i go. the fateful friday morning, i woke up with my stereo alarm playing no doubt's "don't speak". i laughed to myself and thought, "is this a hint?" and so i can't help thinking that seeing him today was somewhat fateful. i could've walked up to broadway to catch the bus instead of down to 5th. of all things, he recognized my shoes and that's how he knew it was me, all bundled up in my rain gear. he decided to go to that starbucks, even though it's across town from where he lives, because it was new and he figured it would be a quiet place to study. spooky.

i don't know what to do. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow.