empty again

i was with a group of friends tonight, having a "going away" dinner for one of the group that is moving away. it was a lot of fun until we were passing around her going away gift - a photo album of all the pictures we've accumulated in the two years we've known each other. one picture was at another friend's wedding this past summer - the one where i met him. the picture was a candid of my friend, him and me and he was saying something to her. the look on my face was prophetic and everyone laughed when they saw it - i looked like i was thinking, "are you kidding me? what are you - stupid?" it was funny but at the same time, it started to make me really sad. there was another picture from our recent trip to whistler where we were all in the shot (another candid) and he was in the corner of the picture, just his profile, probably during his turn in the "clay-off".

and, despite my best efforts not to, i cried all the way home. which was actually not smart since it was very dark and the roads were very slick and it was the back roads of surrey. and i wasn't crying over him - i could give you a long list of reasons why i know he isn't right for me. but i did cry for what i lost, which is the other half of what made me part of that exclusive club that i so miss belonging to. it was hard seeing michelle and carl at the table tonight, just because the last time i was with them was probably the night the four of us went for dinner and then went back to their house to watch "team america". one of our "couple nights". i know i'm pathetic but i'm also PMSing so i have somewhat of an excuse. :)

i'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. all those pathetic thoughts are running through my head... like that i'll never meet anyone else...or that i'm going to swear off dating forever...or that there really is something wrong with me. the first two i know are just reactionary thoughts. the last, i'm not so sure about right now.