just call me "mimi" cause it's all about me

i sometimes wonder if my mom was right: am i a selfish and self-serving person?

today at work was busy. i had a project to work on that could've lasted me most of the day and the big boss came at me with one of his "hurry up and wait" projects that would've kept me on my toes for the remainder of the day. at a little after 11, i sat down at my desk for one of the first times this morning to catch a break and my phone rings. it's my mom. she's crying. she sounds panicked. and first, i think it's about my dad and that something has happened to him. so i inquire. and she tells me there is something wrong with her heart - that there's an extra beat which isn't normally present. and i calm slightly. oh, it's just that.

before you think i'm totally cold-hearted, let me give a bit of a background. my mom has had this condition for almost 20 years. she's always had an "irregular" heartbeat. it was only recently that a specialist finally diagnosed her as having it. but they told her it wasn't dangerous. so she's lived with it. but when it happens, she goes into full-out panic mode and is inconsolable. and 9 times out of 10, it's nothing.

so today, instead of offering to drop everything and come to her rescue when she asked me to come get her, i hesitated. i told her i didn't have a car and it would take me awhile to get my car and come get her. i knew i had this letter i had to get out by courier asap. i basically told her, in not so many words, that i didn't have time for her panic attack but when i did, i would come and get her. i felt terrible - for not feeling terrible.

instead, i phoned my dad (who works out in langley) to leave work and go help her. i told him i would try to get out of work when i could. i was more scared of what my boss would say when i told him i needed to go see my mom at the emergency room than of what she would think of me. not surprisingly, my boss was very supportive and gave me the rest of the day off, even though i told him i'd come back to work when i could. i had every intention of it.

i knew it was nothing. she knew it was nothing. but, as the boy said to me, "what if it's not nothing? don't you want to err on the side of caution?" he was nice enough to drive me to the emergency room. and luckily, neither of us thought it was a good time for him to meet my mom so instead, he hung back and was more my support (not that i think i needed it but i felt like i should need it).

and after she sat in the waiting room for five hours, waiting for the results of her electrocardiogram, she found out that it was what she suspected - nothing. and i felt bad about not being at work. when i didn't really have anything to do anyway. what's wrong with me?