glutton

i hate that, despite all these years of trying to become comfortable with being alone and not feeling that need to have a "man in my life", i would still rather have someone break up with me than be the one who does the breaking up. i think it's because i know i have survived that awful heartache that starts in the pit of your stomach and travels upwards to the back of your throat, so i know i will survive it again.

everything in my relationship is fine, until i start to think about what i deserve (the good kind, not the bad kind). there are no problems with the status quo in my head until i realize that i'm making excuses again. but am i making excuses? and what exactly is it that i deserve?

i was thinking the other day (never a good start, actually)... well, it was more wondering whether he was worth "waiting" for (you know, getting the stuff in his life sorted out so that he had time for me). i wondered whether i actually believed he was worth waiting for or whether i just thought he was because, when he is attentive and mentally with me, he's exactly the way i want him to be. and then i realized that, no matter what is going on in his life, if he thought i was worth it, he would "take the plunge", as it were. he wouldn't be thinking that his ex's feelings were more important than mine (that's how i interpret it, anyway). he wouldn't want to have his cake and eat it too - he would just have the damn cake! a friend of mine that i used to work with got involved with a guy who was going through his Alcoholics Anonymous meetings - perhaps had just started. but he pursued her like there was no tomorrow, got sober at the same time and they're now married. i don't know if it's happily or not but he didn't let his life problems stop him from getting into a relationship. granted, he does have an addictive personality so perhaps that might be the reason but i digress. my point is - it appears to me that he doesn't see me as someone who is worth throwing that caution to the wind - but just in case i am, he's trying to hang on anyway.

it's not that i just realized this. i'm pretty sure i knew it all along. and yet, i still can't see myself doing anything about it. i talk myself out of it, saying "it's only been three months. what's your hurry?" and really, what is my hurry? it's not like i'm devoting all of my extra time to him. it's not like i would turn down a date with someone if they asked and i thought they were worth going out with (at least, i like to think i wouldn't). he asked me what i was doing for new years and i asked him the same. he said that he had plans to go to whistler with bunch of his guy friends but if that didn't come through that he would "tag along" with whatever i might be doing. huh?

it is the head v. heart dilemma all over again. everything in my head - every fibre of reason that i possess (and there isn't that much fibre, believe me) - is telling me to GET OUT NOW! and yet the minute i think that i'm going to do it, every violin string in my heart starts to play and i can't bring myself to do it. i make this hard for myself. i think i enjoy it. sick, isn't it?