admissions

ok, i admit it. i am going to be sad about this for awhile. i know i shouldn't be but you can't reason with something as unreasonable as emotions.

i thought nothing could feel worse than still feeling crappy about my relationship that ended FOUR YEARS AGO. i was wrong. he is actually not a much better person, behaviour-wise, than my ex was. i think it is just because when we were together, just hanging out or out on "couple night", he was so attentive. he loved to kiss me and hug me and tell me how good i looked. he called me those stupid, sappy nicknames i never thought i'd allow myself to be referred to as and i loved it. he made me laugh. he'd stop by my work during the day on his way somewhere just to give me a kiss and a hug. he talked about our future together - we even decided how many kids we were going to have and playfully argued about what we were going to name them (that was a little much but in the foggy haze that is infatuation, it was okay - now that i type it out, i think i may retch.). he played the role of adoring and doting BF to a tee. and i really thought that all of the above would make up for all of the below. and some days, it did.

but really, we never talked. well, he talked and if i talked, he never listened (or retained anything i said for longer than five seconds). we didn't really have conversations on the phone - they were mostly just "check-in" sessions. hell, we never really had conversations in person. i never met any of his friends and when he was on the phone with one of them (which seemed to be all the time when we were hanging out together), he would just say that he was "out already", but he would never say with whom. he would always talk about where he was going to take me ("I know this great jazz club I'm going to take you to" or "You haven't tried that restaurant? It's really good - I'll take you there") or what he was going to buy ("Oh, the M3 - I was so close to buying that in the summer" or "I love this neighbourhood - I was going to buy a place here" - and that was in pretty much every neighbourhood we drove through) or where he was going to go ("I'm going to spend some time in Japan - are you coming with me?" or "I'm definitely selling all my stuff and we're going to live in Europe for at least a year - what countries are on the top of your list?").

but nothing ever changed. no jazz clubs were visited or cars bought or tickets booked. hell, we talked about going away for the weekend for the past four weeks and nothing ever came of it.

this is not a bad thing that has happened. i know that i am far better off without him than i would be with him. it's reconciling that thought with the loneliness that has settled back into its regular spot somewhere in the bottom of my heart that is making this much more difficult than it really should be.