decisions, decisions

i went to a goodbye dinner for our regional crown, who has transferred to (shudder) Main St. it's actually a bad thing for us but a good thing for Vancouver - they might end up being half-way decent place to work under his leadership. and talk about fate - as i stood there, waiting for the elevator to get to the party, who walks into the building but dave - breakfast-jammer dave. he looked good but i looked better :). we chatted briefly on the elevator and he apologized again for skipping on our breakfast plans and once again, i told him it was fine. later that night, i was at the bar buying a drink and he pops up behind me and says, "are you buying me a beer?" so i did. it was a Heineken too. what a sucker, eh? even dea asked me later that night, "when are you going to stop torturing yourself?" i couldn't come up with a definite answer.

anyway, spending the evening with my old crown cronies made me miss my work there a lot - made me miss everyone even more. i joked that i was going to return to crown after my practicum because i wanted my pension! that's half right - i know that if i stick it out where i am long enough, i'll start to feel like a contributor soon enough but there are just so many things that i can't get over that it doesn't even seem worth it to stay beyond my committment. and so i don't think i will - that much is decided. what is not decided is where i'll go.

my biggest problem is that i'm always looking a little further ahead to see if i can get something better - hence, my problem. i would be perfectly happy going back to work for government but at the same time, i'd wonder what i was missing in private practice - would i be missing more money, prestige, recognition, love? i have a quote on my ever-changing yahoo page from ben stein that says: The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. sounds simple but it isn't. what do i want?

i was all bent out of shape last night. a friend of mine has just gotten accepted into law school and i'm thrilled for her. but at the same time, i'm a little green because that could've been me. and i was even more green when my favourite boss of all time, who is now a very Honourable Judge of the Provincial Court of BC, came up to her and started chatting to her about what law school would be like. he was telling her about how she should look forward to reading the decisions of a very controversial but brilliant English Justice that wrote decisions in the 1950s and 60s that just don't get the same recognition as they used to. he couldn't remember the name and neither could she but as he talked about him, i piped up and said, "is that Lord Denning?" much to my chagrin, he didn't hear me but she did and she said, "is it Lord Denning?" i was a bit cheesed because he said, "yes! denning, that's right. brilliant writer." steal my thunder! i stole it back when they were having a discussion about who owns police notebooks - the police or the officer? she thought that the RCMP did because the notes were taken in the course of their employment. he thought that it was the officer because it was their thoughts on the paper. i piped up and said, "well, from an intellectual property standpoint, it's the officer because it's their intellectual property on the paper." he said, "hey, that's a good point!" i was glowing :)

anyway, i've had my accolades given to me (is that right?) - i've done my school and people have thrown me parties and congratulated me for my courage to leave my comfort zone and branch off to new territories. but i can't help but think of how thrilled some people would be if i got into law school - more than one of the crown i've worked with have tried to sway me and quite successfully as the idea is still sitting in the back of my mind. i always say to give me time to rest - 24 years straight of going to school is a bit much. maybe in two or three years? or one!

one thing's for sure - i need to move!