would you like some cheese with that whine?

i'm unhappy. i spent last thursday night and last saturday night relaying to anyone who would ask that i don't like my job. and i felt bad doing it - i mean, they were probably just trying to be polite by asking, "so, how's the new job going?" but i figure, if they're going to ask, they'd better be prepared for the answer!

it's not that i don't like the people - person - i work with. she's great - very patient and jovial, albeit a little unclear in giving instructions but that's just a matter of asking for clarification (four or five times). it's not that i don't like the company i work for - i've already received a couple of the "perks" that go along with working for a big company (movie tickets, free logo-embossed clothing, umpteen free lunches). but happiness is not free coffee and a paycheque. at least, for me it isn't.

i've been going over it a lot in my head since last thursday. am i just looking for something bigger and better because a friend of mine is going to law school and i think i should be going too? am i looking for acceptance, praise and security? i could go back to my old job for that. am i looking to utilize the knowledge and skills i've accumulated over the past two years because they're paid for so i should use them? or am i looking for the love boat - something exciting and new?

there's a small possibility that they could be opening up a proper, satellite office here. when i found that out, i thought, "okay, definitely staying on at least for another six months if this happens. i'll be able to work in a real office, meet real people, be involved in real office politics, go for real coffee breaks. excellent!" and then i remember that one of my wants was to get back to government - provincial or federal - and continue earning my much-sought-after pension. and i compared my company's benefits plan with the government's and the government's (medical and dental at least) is much better. i probably won't make as much money as i would in my present job (although, i'm not so sure about that) but i'd make enough and have my time off too. that's good, isn't it? until i remember my friend that is off to law school and think, "i can do that too" even though i don't have any real desire to practice law as a lawyer. or am i just scared of the responsiblity? hmmm... yikes. and then i think of my cousin who's living in san francisco and my friend who is moving to new york today and think, "i'm not tied down to anything here - boy, mortgage or kid - why not work elsewhere and live a little?"decisions, decisions.

i don't know why i can't just be happy with what i have, why i'm always looking for something better. they say that if you hear something enough, you start to believe it. people i used to work with would tell me that i deserved better, usually in reference to a boy i had a crush on but also referring to my entry-level position jobs. maybe it's a bad thing that an indecisive person like me begins to believe that i deserve better because i'll never be able to decide what "better" actually is.

back to the small picture - my current job. i'm seriously considering going back to my program coordinator, asking for a new practicum and pretending this one never happened. but it's my damned pride that gets in my way - the preservation of my reputation in the legal community is of utmost importance to me! i can't just quit after 6 weeks but i don't see how my issues with this job will ever be resolved, aside from by my contract ending. but can i last another 4 1/2 months doing nothing that involves my training or my brain???????