butterflies

Is it bad that, after two weeks, I don't want to go to work anymore? If I were just working with the one lawyer whose house I'm based at, I think I'd be okay. I'm comfortable and I like how patient she is. After all, she was a teacher in my program at one point so she knows what I'm capable of. I re-met the other two lawyers on Friday, accompanied by one of the paralegals from head office who was visiting. And not just ANY paralegal - it was WonderParalegal. The one that has made herself available to the legal department 24/7 - quite the legend to live up to I'd say.

I've dealt with difficult lawyers before - it's the nature of the profession, unfortunately. But I think what's worrying me is that I'm unsure of what my role is right now. I know I can do the job but I don't know what to what level I'm being expected to perform at, particularly now that week two is over. I know that sounds ridiculous but Worry is my middle name. I'll be working with the VP of the Legal Department - no pressure! Her own sister (who is the lawyer I work with most) says she's impatient and expects perfection. I've already worked with a [Fill in the Blank] like that and it was stressful. I hope anything that I have to do for her is strictly organizational - filing, shredding and shipping.

I think it's also because I already know that I don't want to stay with the company. I mean, I do but not if it means that I'll be working out of a basement for the rest of my career. I don't even want to do it for the next 5 1/2 months. I already feel like I'm isolated from the rest of the world in my personal life - I don't want to feel that way in my professional life as well. One of the reasons I chose to switch careers was that I wanted to be able to meet different people in everyday work life - lawyers, clients, people at the coffee shop in the lobby. Everyday, I work with one person. I hear dozens of people on speakerphone everyday but that doesn't make a relationship, particularly if they live in another province. I suppose I could visit the Starbucks four blocks away everyday but that's just stupid. I thrive on the comraderie and social atmosphere an office environment offers. I'm afraid that with this basement-dweller job, I'm going to sink further into my introversion and never be able to work with a group of people again. Again, I know that's stupid but that's just how I'm feeling today. If they hire someone to take over Jennifer's position, I'll be thrilled. Even if it's not someone in the program.

My final word on this is that I know I'm focused on my inadequacies in my job because I don't want to think about my inadequacies in my personal life. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure today - don't mind me, though. I need to feel sorry for myself every once in awhile. It makes me laugh at how pathetic I'm being. And then I bounce back. Only, I'm not feeling very bouncy today. Bounce, bounce.

On a high note, I spent way too much money this weekend on spa treatments for myself. Yesterday, I got my hair cut and highlighted (I don't really like the highlights but perhaps it's because they are lighter and I'm not used to them). This morning, I went for a salt scrub, shea butter body wrap and an aromatherapy massage. I believe I need to make today's event a monthly thing. I'll make a note in my CrackBerry. :)