Back Issue - In Memoriam

Wednesday 03.30.05 [8:58 pm]
We had a "memorial" today for Bev. It's been five months since she died. Wow, time flies. I was really glad to see our whole class show up for it, although I don't know if it was just pressure or whether they really wanted to say their last goodbyes.
It's funny - I thought I had dealt with my grief in November. The counselors they brought in for the class and talking it over with everyone and all the group crying we did. You would think that, considering I was never able to get as close to her as some people did, it wouldn't be such a sad thing for me anymore but today, listening to people talking about her and meeting her best friend, Scott, and hearing what he had to say about her, brought back all those sad feelings again. I managed to hold it all together until a couple of the girls in my class played a song that reminded them of Bev because the words were so appropriate and the song was played a lot during the time she died. When we all stood in the circle and "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson started playing, I had to smile. I know the words and so I was able to see how appropriate the song was for Bev. The song is about change and taking risks even though you know that you're leaving behind something familiar. If anyone knew about change and facing adversity, it was Bev. I held it together until I heard one of the last lines in the song, "Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye" and then I couldn't hold the tears in any longer.
I have a theory about mourning and grief and I expressed it when we were all grieving for her in November. Grief is a very selfish emotion if you think about it, particularly in circumstances where people grieve loved ones who have passed before their time. We were all very aware of how much she hurt and for how long she hurt. She fought her demons for as long as she could take it and I think even far beyond her breaking point. As much as I wish Bev were still with us, I know that she's not hurting anymore and I hope, wherever she is, she's finally found peace. God bless her. She was the bravest soul I've ever met.