PMS

"physical manifestations of stress", that is. i hung out with general counsel today. surprisingly, this was one of my best days at work. i had work that kept me busy all day, no one really bothered me and i left a little early, feeling quite good. i already know that monday will be a long day but KB said i could come in late to make up for it. she also said that she and nas had a little chat and suggested that we go out for dinner next week to talk about a couple of my "issues" that i have with work. she said that she had a couple of solutions or suggestions that might work for me. this stressed me out just hearing it come from her. what could she possibly offer me? my biggest problem is that i don't work with anyone. what can she do? either let me work in waterloo for the remainder of my contract or bring people out here to work with me. anyway, this got me thinking and when i went out this evening with my friend from my old work, i had my future on the brain.

we talked quite a bit about what i should do. in the end, she gave me no real advice, just that i shouldn't apply for law school at least until i've worked as a paralegal for a couple of years. i was more or less convinced that i should go back to my government job come december and then, who walks into the restaurant but my manager from my old job. she came over to say hi at the end of dinner and said to me, "your ears must've been burning today. we were talking about you and figuring out whether or not we should include you in the budget for next year. you should give me a call one of these days." we filled her in on our dinner conversation about what i should do and she immediately said, "go to law school." we laughed about that for awhile and then i asked her, seriously, what she thought i should do (because everyone knows i can't possibly make this decision by myself). she said, "if i were your age, i'd have the world at my feet." what does that mean?? she also suggested that i take a workshop at UBC that, at the end of it, basically tells you what you should be (for only $1500). if i had that kind of money kicking around, i would do it. but i'd be afraid of what it had to tell me. weird eh?

anyway, my "PMS" popped up surprisingly fast. you know the problem i've been having since i was in san fran last summer? that started up again without warning this evening. my jaw hurts from the clenched teeth. i'm sure i'll wake up with a face full of stress-zits. and i still have no idea what i'm going to do.

i am wavering between what i think will be good for me and the security of what i already have. as janet said, not everyone has the kind of job security i've been blessed with these past couple of years but it's also the one thing that's holding me back from doing something a little more daring - perhaps even holding me back from performing as well at my current job as i normally would. maybe that's why i hate it so much - because i know i can. if they fired me on monday, i would shrug, say "thanks for all the free stuff", and phone up my old work and tell them i'm coming back a couple months early. and they would have to put me somewhere. that's job security. but i know it is holding me back - i've gone over it in my head and, aside from the pension, there is nothing that i can get in government that i couldn't get in a job in private practice. the differences in medical benefits at my current job compared to my government ones are marginal, although government is still better. what am i so worried about?

so, i'm still waiting for someone to tell me what i should do. in the meantime, i'll have dinner with the big boss next week and then, if i like what she has to say (and we will need to talk $$), then i'll let judy know that i don't plan on returning in december. gawd, that's scary. but when do you stay on the well-lighted path and when do you veer off into the dark unknown?