someone like you...but not you

i went out for coffee after work with my guy friend...basically the only guy friend i have left. we're coffee buddies. about once a month, we get in touch and spend an hour or so after work one night talking and catching up over a coffee, usually just at a coffee shop. then, we walk to the skytrain together, and chat on the way home - i change trains in new west and we say goodbye. he's since moved downtown so today, the purpose was to catch up and then see his new apartment.

background with my guy friend - we met online and basically had intentions to "date" casually but that got blown away when i met The Boy. for whatever reason, i chose The Boy over my friend. in any event, we decided to remain in touch and have become friends.

today, i met him at the lobby of his office building. he came down the elevator with a colleague, whom he introduced me to (he's a polite boy that way) and the we were off to his apartment. we can chatter non-stop when we get together. there's always something to talk about. checked out his apartment, snooped through his cupboards, walked in on him changing (hey, he left the door open and then said, "do you want to see her (meaning the girl he's dating) picture?" i assumed it was in the room he was in!), saw pictures of the girl he's "seeing" (now i know why he's seeing her...pinup girl), and then we started off for coffee. we ended up getting sushi to go and sat outside on the library steps for an impromptu picnic and people watched. then, we went inside the library and sat at one of the big windows and people watched some more, same view but inside. and we chattered non-stop. and not about superficial things. we talk about life and love and work and family, everything you could think of. then, he asked me if i wanted to grab a hot chocolate. i figured we were going to grab it to-go so he could walk me to the skytrain and not be cold. but we sat and talked some more. we were together for over three hours. it was like a date...a great date...one of the best ones i've been on in a long time; but it wasn't a date-date.

what i'm trying to say is -- why can't i find someone just like him, but not him? i really like him, don't get me wrong. we understand each other's sense of humour and i think we get along really well. he's attractive and smart and basically, a really nice guy, even though he claims to be a jerk. but at this point, even if he was still interested in dating me (which i don't think he is but then, i can't say that he isn't. i don't know. anyway.), i know way too much about his personal life now to really be comfortable with him as a partner. and perhaps vice-versa.

i'm always a little sad after i see him. whether it's because i enjoy myself so much that i hate to see it end or whether it's because i wish i could be with him (and i'm not sure that's it, exactly), i don't know. i'll be over it tomorrow, i'm sure. but for tonight, i'm a little blue.

updates

i'm going to Greece! it sounds so bizarre saying that. it's not really a place that people go everyday. it's not like saying, "i'm going to California" or "i'm going to New York". i guess that's why people say it. my boss went to Hong Kong a couple of months ago and he couldn't stop saying it. i think most people refer to their vacation as "vacation" and not usually by the destination. maybe i'm wrong. but for a couple of weeks prior to his vacation, he kept saying, "well, when i'm in Hong Kong..." or "that'll have to wait until i'm back from Hong Kong." that being said, it's 20 days until i leave for Greece!!!

oh, it's a 9-day Greek island cruise, basically. the first three days are spent in Athens and then we cruise to 5 islands with one stop in Turkey (not Istanbul, unfortunately, but i will get to see the ancient city of Ephesus!). and i'm going with my mom. not my ideal travel partner but then again, she's funding the trip so who am i to complain?

as for the love-life, you can see it two ways: non-existent or on the brink of exploding. i had a date with a guy i met online on thursday. he spent the first 20 minutes talking about how much money he had. i determined in the first 10 minutes i didn't want to see him again. ugh. then there's another guy i met online that i thought would turn into something but he doesn't seem to think that getting together is of great importance. we went out once and it was really nice and that's why i thought for sure i'd see him again soon. not so. we've talked on MSN a couple of times since and on the phone and he's asked me to go out a number of times but he never makes a firm plan. weird.

then, there are the boys at work. we won't talk about the Office Crush as we already know that it's a hopeless case. but i keep trying :) no, there is a bike courier at work that is apparently going to ask me out. he's been talking to my receptionist about me and she's been keeping me abreast of the goings on. i don't see him much, only when i relieve at reception. he's really nice. he's the one that used the "Miss Tahiti 1999" on me. i understand from my receptionist that he's afraid i'll turn him down or it won't work out and we'll stop using his company for courier work. methinks he's had some rejection in the past! i was at reception on friday when he came in. unfortunately, when he came in, one of the lawyers was up front reading the paper at the counter so i only managed to smile and say hi to him. oddly enough, my Office Crush walked up behind him and to me and asked me for help. i managed to smile and wave goodbye to the courier while i was also trying to give my Office Crush my full attention. hard to do.

and of course, i began thinking about what that meant. had i been alone in reception, he probably would've asked me out then (maybe). he likely would've chatted me up more, in any event. yet circumstances were such that i wasn't alone and moreover, i was with my OC. did it happen this way because i'm not supposed to go out with him? or did it happen this way so i could see, at the same time, that the way my OC looks at me is nothing compared to the way the courier looks at me? the courier has this sort of dreamy, smitten look when he says hi to me. my OC doesn't really get that look. although, sometimes when we're just chatting about nothing related to work, he does have this sort of smouldering, bedroomy look in his beautiful blues. he is Greek, after all.

update - i have a date tomorrow night with the wayward online guy. we'll see how it goes. well, i know it will go well; it's just that i don't understand why he doesn't call me. i was determined not to give him the time of day if he had the nerve to phone again but in his message, he didn't sound like he felt he had done anything wrong. don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. in any event, the plan is made. i will keep you posted.

one more day

i don't know if i can make it. this morning, the cat sat on my chest and stomped her front paws back and forth until i woke up. i got up to feed her and then went back to bed. within minutes, she was back on the bed, mewing at me. i don't get cats.

i may just clean up and leave today, stopping by tomorrow at lunch maybe to make sure she's got enough food. makes sense - that way i don't have to worry about doing laundry when i get home tomorrow to make sure they have clean sheets when they get back. plus, i'm out of food anyway. :)

on a different note, i'm going to apply for a job at the law society. it took me that job posting to realize that i am not doing what i want to be doing. i'm not even slowly working towards what i want to do. i'm just not doing what i intended to do at all. i love the law firm i work at and my bosses and most of the people i work with but it's not the reason i became a paralegal. the law society posting is right up my alley - mostly legal research and giving opinions, interviewing witnesses, document management - it was like it was written for me. and posting closes on friday. i will phone them tomorrow to find out who to direct my application to (something i was taught in school!) and then i'll send it off. i am thinking about giving the boss the heads up but i don't want to jinx it. i have positive thoughts and if i don't get it, i'll be disappointed but at least i know now where my frustration in my job lies. how to fix it is another story.

coffee

i had coffee with dave this morning. it was really nice. he came by my building (he was smoking on the bench outside when i walked out. my first words to him were, "oh, gawd, you're not still smoking are you?") and we walked down to starbucks at mainland and davie. we had coffee and a good chat for about an hour then walked around for another 20 minutes. i was trying to convince him that his independently owned drycleaner was not open today and likely not his barber either. we had to walk to his drycleaner and actually see that it was closed for him to believe me. i then tried to convince him to walk the six blocks to his barber instead of drive, regardless of whether or not it was open and then we said our goodbyes. it was really nice. did i say that already?

i lazed around for a good couple of hours afterwards - came home, had lunch, watched my "house" dvds in bed - and then finally dragged myself out of the apartment and onto the downtown streets. it was supposed to rain today but when i left, it was cloudy and the sun was just starting to poke through. it was so nice.

i walked to MAC on robson. i was ignored by three or four salesgirls until a guy finally came up to me and asked me if i needed help. i ended up buying two pots of eyeshadow and a lipgloss from him. he looked like (i'm not kidding) chris kattan but with much prettier eyes and far more flaming. good choice in lipgloss color, though.

i then walked to london drugs, the aldo outlet and finally, chapters where i proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon. i browsed through every bargain book and was going to buy a coffee table book called "degrees", which is a black & white photo book of celebrities who are 6 degrees or less from kevin bacon. i didn't end up leaving with it but i think i will go back tomorrow. my excuse was that i don't have a coffee table to put it on yet. i still think that's a good excuse.

i proceeded back towards the apartment, stopping at shopper's drug mart at homer and nelson (i'm throwing out street names because i'm getting better at figuring out which way is which!) to pick up a gingerale and a bag of chocolate eggies. the last damn bag of eggies in the store. take that! as i walked down the street towards the apartment, i looked across the street and there was a guy, walking in the same direction with a shopping bag. we exchanged glances back and forth until he ducked into the 7-11 and i mentally patted myself on the back for finally living "the life".

talk about fate

i am in yaletown. the last time i was cat-sitting in yaletown, i tried to make coffee date plans with dave. they fell through. i have long decided to stop beating my head against the proverbial wall and stop calling him/emailing him/in general, just cease all unnecessary communications with him. i was okay with this.

i went to a welcoming ceremony for a lawyer i know who was recently elevated to the bench. it was at the courthouse on smithe street so me and my boss walked there after work. the courtroom was crowded and we arrived with a minute left before they began. i scooted into the aisle to get a better view of the seating situation and who is the first person i lock eyes with? dave. who works in surrey. i pretended not to see him (very smooth, i know). but i didn't want to not talk to him. so at the reception afterwards, i sort of sidled up to him and we chatted. and for the record, he's the one who brought up coffee. ok, so i casually mentioned that i was housesitting near him. a block away from him. on the same street. and as he left, he made sure to ask if i still had his number. i hesitated and asked if he had mine. he said he might but he had a new phone. then he said, "well, you know where i work. call me there if you don't have my cell." too easy.

i will call him - you know i will. but i have zero expectations now. we're just friends and i'm okay with that. really i am. no, really. :)

ol' blue eyes

my Office Crush is so cute. he wore a shirt that i really like today. i'm sure i've told him i liked him in it but i should've said it again today. he got a delivery today while i was covering for our receptionist's break so i decided i would take it to him on my way back to my desk. our receptionist said i was going to make his day because he'd been looking forward to this package for awhile. i knocked at his door and, sure enough, the minute his eyes saw the package, his eyes lit up and this huge grin spread across his face. it was like a kid at Christmas, the way he dove into it. and, i've discovered we have another thing in common (aside from thinking that life should be like a movie musical): old, used books. he told me about this website he orders used books from and i e-mailed him later and asked him what the website address was. at the end of the day (i worked late again), he came by the printer at my desk to pick up something he printed, started off back to his desk then came back and said, "so, you like old books?" i told him i collected old poetry books. he asked me which poets and i said, "keats, tennyson, yeats, wordsworth...the romantic lot." and he smiled and nodded appreciatively. then he asked if everything with my condo purchase was sorted out and i said yes and told him that i'd be sending out invitations for my moving party soon so if anyone had an SUV or a pickup truck... he said, "i have a pickup truck!" and i said, "well, then i'll be needing you soon." and he said, "i might be selling it." and i laughed.

he's so cute. i stopped by his office on my way out, not hoping for anything but i thought i'd ask him what he had planned for the weekend. reading the book and painting his apartment were on the agenda. i wasn't going to ask him out so i didn't but i wish i had just put it out there. then again, how smart would that have been since he hasn't really expressed too much interest, other than a passing interest.

on a slightly different note, the other day, i was cleaning out some of my desk drawers at home. i keep all of my "goodbye" cards from where i've worked in the past and i read the one i got when i left CWS. i was trying to decipher different handwriting and trying to picture what this person or that person looked like. and then, at the bottom of the card, in the corner, i read a sentiment that literally jolted my heart. i hadn't thought of him in a long time in the context of our relationship but i had thought of him recently. but seeing his handwriting and what he had to say about me leaving and the future and his name.... it was amazing the physical response, albeit split-second, those three lines of text caused. i haven't seen him in 8 years - can you believe that? not that i expected to bump into him but i guess i'm just not meant to. just like i haven't bumped into my ex, even though i've bumped into his friends on social occasions. weird the way life works, eh?

progress?

i've taken what the TV guy said to heart and i've put it into action.

today, on my way home i decided to stop off at pacific centre to see if there were any good sales on. there were (hush puppies for $32!). as i was paying for my shoes, a tall, cute blond guy walks by the cash register. i check him out. he's already checking me out. i avert my eyes briefly and then i look back up again as he walks by me. he smiles at me (!!!!!). i smiled back and ducked my head down to look for my credit card. ok, so, not great but it was something. at least i smiled back this time. normally, i'd just duck my head down and pretend i didn't even see him.

PROGRESS!

(and i got a pair of sunglasses for $14!)

no picture tube

the picture tube in the TV at my friend's place has blown. how do you tell someone, "i broke your TV"? it's their fault - they leave the TV on all day for the cat :)

so i went to my interview at the TV thing. it was videotaped - ugh! i bet i looked all fat and lumpy and gross. but i was chatty and i didn't talk with my hands too much so it went okay. i hope they don't pick me as a makeover subject. i mean, i think it would be cool but they need more time during the week and work hours than i'm willing to give them. besides, being a date for the subjects would be just as fun. still don't know about the whole TV thing.

i was reading over e-mails from a friend of mine - guy friend, used to be potential date but now he tells me so much about his sex life that i'm sure he's not interested in me anymore. anyway, it's such a shame that we met when we were both at different places in our lives. we get along so well and i think he's great. but i think i know too much about how he "is" and vice-versa that i don't think we'll ever get together. oh well.

i am still contemplating whether i should drive home to get some lighter shirts to wear to work (fabric-wise). i have one more t-shirt type top but i wore it just this past thursday or friday and god forbid i wear the same thing twice in less than a week! it may have to be done, however, as it's just too bloody hot to wear sweaters. what was i thinking?

back in town

yaletown, that is. i'm cat sitting for the next two weeks and have the luxury of walking to work everyday. i did it for the first time today and i quite enjoyed it (aside from getting rained on). i know i would've liked to have done it as a regular thing but i'm really looking forward to moving into my place. MY place. my PLACE. woo hooo!

a coffee date just cancelled on me via text message. i wasn't too happy about the method but then again, i've been guilty of cancelling by e-mail so i can't be too mad. i'm disappointed, though. on MSN, he's kind of manic. on the phone, he was rather subdued. don't know if he was just nervous or disappointed in the sound of my voice or he's just stupid but it's not looking too promising anymore.

the TV show that considering me for a reality-show date called me today after a few weeks of no contact. i'm going to meet them tomorrow after work. i don't know if i ever mentioned it in my previous blogs but there is this show that advertised for date makeovers so i went to the website and signed up. i put a picture too, which helped, apparently. well, the guy i talked to ended up counselling me (this was in December) about the stupid Boy and told me that i wasn't right for the show because i was "technically" not single. anyway, a few days later, he phones me again and asks if i would be interested in being a "date" to the makeover candidates. he also assures me that one of the reasons why they didn't pick me for a makeover is because i didn't need half as much work, date-wise, as the people they picked for the show! makes me feel a little better. but i'm still nervous about meeting the production guy. i mean, i sent them the picture that's on this blog. i hope they don't think i was grossly misrepresenting myself!

my Office Crush chose to sit beside me not once but twice at a going-away lunch for his secretary. i took it as promising but i'm not getting my hopes up! he wore a blue tie yesterday that (i'm not kidding you) made his already beautiful blue eyes look like pools of blue-colored water. soooooooo nice.

damn these seagulls.

back to my Office Crush. i know i should give up on him but it's just so easy to look at him. i learned today that he's been begging for candy at another girl's desk. she's a married woman but i wonder why he's not coming to me. it doesn't help that my desk mate likes to flirt with him. and he seems to enjoy it. i know i should give up. but i can't. not yet. or, i should just get it over with and ask him out. but i can't. not yet.

:)

gawd, i'm not feeling good about myself. i should not be meeting the TV guy tomorrow!

WTF

he came to my work today to drop off flowers. with a card that said, "can we have dinner tomorrow - i need to talk to you." fuck off.

then, he phoned my house again this evening. i didn't answer but i phoned him back a few minutes later. and he talked to me like nothing bad had ever happened between us. i was so mad, i don't even remember what i said. i just know i was annoyed and not very nice. well, i don't think i was mean - i was just blunt. he asked me how i could just "turn off my feelings". i told him it was three months in the making. when i asked him about that last e-mail he sent, he laughed it off and said, "well, you made me mad." so i said, "well, you make me mad. that's why we're not seeing each other anymore." he kept asking me to go for lunch or dinner with him. i kept saying no. at the end, i said, "i'm sorry (not really), but i thought i made myself clear before." he actually said, "well, you don't have to be mean about it."

What-The-Fuck. please, oh, please let this be the last I ever hear from him. i don't wish anything bad to happen to him but he needs to leave me alone. in the timeless words of emily dickenson (or was it gloria estefan?):

go away
won't you just go away
go away
don't you come back one day
take your stuff
take all of your precious things
leave right now
who knows what tomorrow brings
stay away
won't you please stay away
live your life but live it real far away
save yourself
there's no way to get it all
look around the writing is on the wall

and when you go i won't miss you at all
and when you go i'll be having a ball
you will see
thoughts of you won't ever cross my mind
it's the truth don't mean to be unkind
'cause people have the right to party
and you won't let them have their fun
see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
auf wiedersehen, au revoir, shalom

go away
would you please go away
go away
you're outta here come what may
hit the road
don't bother to say goodbye
don't care how
don't even matter why

yes, people have the right to party
and we're not waiting till you're gone
ciao, bye bye, hasta la vista fare thee well,adios, so long

stupid or just dense?

he phoned me yesterday. twice. and left a message saying that he just wanted to hear my voice and hoped that everything was going well. and then he phoned me again today - both on the mobile and on the house phone. WTF?

is he stupid? is he ignoring the fact that our last communcation was by him and it specifically said, "i won't bother you anymore?" WTF!

he's always said that just "hearing my voice" makes him feel better. i have the right mind to change my outgoing message on my cell phone to the system greeting. WTF...

back on the chain gang

if you consider on-line dating to be a chain gang.

yes, i'm doing it again. i've put a profile up on my favorite site to see what i can see (not unlike the bear that went over the mountain). i'm trying to be positive about it all and have nearly convinced myself to meet everyone that asks to meet. after all, you don't have to marry them and you never know until you meet them, right? although the first guy that sent me a "smile" spelled something wrong in his profile. i know i shouldn't judge just by that but he spelled "trying" as "triing". twice.

i have not given up on the Office Crush but have given up on the idea that anything might come of it. he's not interested. at the same time, i'm thinking that perhaps i need to change my tactic. forget about saving face and just put myself out there - flirt shamelessly, even. screw the candies; they're not getting me anywhere. i don't know. i'll explore that idea tomorrow if i have time.

but he does have the most amazing blue eyes. he was at my desk again today, asking a litigation question (he was so excited about getting to do a chambers application on wednesday - it was so cute). of course, my area-mate answered the question for him (i think she might like him too - although she is older than both of us) so i kept working away at my stuff. i am comforted by the fact that, although she was helping him, he didn't take his file off my counter and move over to her, where he could've seen what she was doing. i am totally reading into things but it makes me feel better. he's so cute. OMG.

no pancakes

while i can't say that i'm even remotely Catholic anymore, i do know that it's the first day of Lent tomorrow and every year, i try to do something. i usually promise to exercise more regularly or attempt to give up sweets for the 40 days. this year, i'm going to do something that will benefit me all around and it'll be something that i not only should do, but want to do. tomorrow, i am going to be a better paralegal. i'm going to try harder to be what i'm supposed to be, and not be content with being what i am now. it's time.

on a different note, the Boy sent me an e-mail yesterday, telling me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not have me in his life. i sent one back, jokingly saying that it's only been two weeks. he sent me an e-mail today, asking me to go see a movie with him. i politely said that i didn't think it was a good idea. he fired one back at me that said, and i quote:

"What is wrong with you? I always forgave you when you had your "moments." I'm not allowed to have one or two of my own? I thought you were more understanding... I guess not.Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore."

oh, to dream of him not bothering me anymore! :) once again, he re-affirms my rock-solid belief that i've done the right thing.

as for my Office Crush....sigh. i know he just sees me as his candy pusher (or rather, the Candy Fairy, as he likes to refer to me when we speak of me in the third person), but it's totally worth it. to have him hang around my desk and beg for a treat like a little puppy... I LOVE IT.

the reader's digest version

i haven't posted in awhile and i know you are itching to hear what is going on in my life! oh dear.

the Boy and i are no longer. it ended a couple of weeks ago although he did send me flowers on Valentine's. we haven't spoken since then (ooh, a whole week). but it really is over for me. i have no desire to be with him right now and perhaps ever. i hope he is doing well, though, as i would hate to think of him self-destructing.

the Office Crush - he's so cute. but i don't think he's very interested, at least not from what i can tell. granted, i'm not doing too much to show my interest but that's just me. i asked our receptionist to be honest with me and inquired as to whether she thought he was at all interested and she said no. i wasn't surprised. i am close to giving up but i know that once i do, that'll be it. the desire to be with him will have dissipated like dust in a rainstorm.

i am in the process of getting "pre-approved" for a mortgage. however, i'm still a little hesitant. while it makes sense for me to buy something over renting a place, it doesn't make sense if i can't scrape up a decent downpayment. and i can't. it's frustrating.

knitting is going well. i think this might be a hobby i actually keep up longer than the span of the lessons. it's cheaper than golfing, although less active and certainly less helpful at releasing any pent-up aggression. i guess it's the opposite - it's very relaxing and it is something i can really get into and while at the same time, tune everything out.

my focus right now is on becoming a better paralegal - my personality is such that i need to focus my attention on something. so, instead of my focus being on a boy or the next good sale at Old Navy, i think i'll concentrate on getting my career off the ground. then, perhaps, if i discover that i don't want to make appeal books and do dictations for the rest of my life, i might seriously consider studying for the LSAT.

the moment

my Office Crush and i shared a Moment today. ok, maybe he didn't think it was a Moment, but i sure did!

picture it - i was on a file hunt. i happened to walk passed an office he was standing in the doorway of (seriously, i wasn't stalking him...this time). as i passed, i heard him end his conversation and he started down the hallway, about three paces behind me. i could've stopped or slowed down but i played it cool (ok, i was giving mixed messages again but whatever). he started humming behind me (tee hee, that sounds dirty!) and i slowed down and as we got to the front of his office door, i turned toward him. he stopped right in front of me and we were in the "personal distance" zone - no more than 18" away from each other. i swear, for a split second, he sort of leaned into me (or was he adjusting the file in the crook of his arm?) and it looked like he wanted to kiss me. then i said, "you wouldn't happen to have the smith file in your office? maybe working with Bob on the CPL?" i can't remember what he asked me and i can't remember what i said in return but he was definitely flitting his gaze from my mouth to my eyes and back again (sooo glad i put on lipgloss after lunch!). turns out he didn't have the file and i think i might have started walking away first (or maybe he was trying to escape the uncomfortableness of our close proximity by backing into his office), and it was probably for the best because i was about to comment on his eyes and ask them whether they were blue or whether they were green (regardless, they are the color of the ocean and i could drown in them...OMG, could you BE any gaggier?)

sigh. if only...

distraction

why is it that the only way i am able to deal with the breakup of a relationship is to either work more or obsess about another guy? today, i did both.

there's a guy i work with and i've had an office-crush on him since about november. it increased exponentially when we did the annual Christmas skit together. now i'm in full-blown crush mode. i look up everytime he walks by my desk. i look at him everytime i walk by his. i'm starting to stop into his office to chat at least once a day. and (gawd help us all), i'm leaving candies on his desk when he's not looking. (i did this with dave, remember?) granted, he's been leaving stuff for me too, although whether that means he's interested in me or whether he's just returning the favor, i'm not sure.

he's got the most amazing smile that lights up his entire face. he's got these dark blue eyes that (i swear!) twinkle when he smiles. he wears some of the ugliest ties i've ever seen and shirts that have obviously been put on straight out of the laundry bag and doesn't think twice about it. when he sits at his desk and reads, he twirls his hair. he's got a wry sense of humor and he's always singing or whistling or humming. and he's got a really nice singing voice. sigh.

i know it's not going to happen, although i'd really like it to.

the other thing i've found myself doing lately is working more than i should. as in today, my boss left the office by 3:30, one of my other lawyers was out to the pub by 4:15 and I was still happily working away at 4:45. i probably would've kept working through had i not had dinner plans. i'm considering going to law school because i figure that, if i throw myself into that, i'll be so preoccupied with that work that i won't have to fret about being single anymore. i'll just dedicate my life to my work. at the moment, i'm totally okay with that. sick eh?

i always encourage people to deal with their emotions - don't deny yourself the right to feel what you're feeling. yet i do it all the time. pretend that i'm not lonely, that it doesn't hurt, that i'm happy with the way my life has turned out thus far ... i figure if i do this, then maybe all the self-doubt, self-pity and emptiness will all go away.

not so much. :)

the ol' knitting injury

i hurt myself knitting last night. don't laugh.

i have always wanted to learn how to knit - so much so that i bought a "beginners learn to knit kit" and tried to teach myself through the kit's instructional book, tiny pictures and all.

as luck would have it, my mom also wanted to learn how to knit but she was smart enough (and not as cheap as me) to sign up for knitting lessons. she went to her first class last week and e-mailed me the next day, asking me if i wanted to take over for her. her reasons for quitting were that: a) it was boring; and b) she got so tense making sure that she was using the proper technique that her shoulders tensed up and she needed a massage. i laughed at her.

i went to her second knitting class last night - loved it! by the end, i felt like a pro. this morning, i felt like i had whiplash. so much for laughing at my mom's "knitting injuries" - i had my own!

turns out that knitting involves a lot of looking down and thus, bending your neck. i have a bad neck (along with the traps and shoulders) from various car accidents (none were my fault!) and RSIs from working with computers and mice (mouses, if you will) all the time. i know better than to strain my right shoulder with an ill-placed mouse or my neck with a monitor that is set too low or too high. yet it really didn't occur to me that knitting might aggravate any of my pre-existing injuries (is that thin-skull or crumbling-skull? i could never figure out which was which). so, i didn't do any of my post-strain exercises or stretches (why would i? i was KNITTING for crying out loud!) and now, i suffer. i couldn't even get a massage appointment for tonight so i settled for one on thursday. my neck should be sufficiently worse by then, i think.

still, the urge to knit is overpowering....

ain't it funny

he phoned me today just to chat. when i phoned him back, he was watching basketball. so he chatted away, but whenever i wanted to say something or elaborate on something, he seemed to be more interested in what LeBron James was doing on the court than what i was saying on the other end of the phone. and then he phoned me again, this time to watch one of his favorite parts on this one episode of "Frasier". i swear, he was giggling away like a schoolgirl and i thought for sure i heard him pee his pants. the clip was funny - but it wasn't that funny.

then he asked me whether we were going to see each other this week and he told me to pick a day because i was "so busy". i told him that any night this week but monday worked for me. he proceeded to say that wednesday was the only night this week that he was available to see me. fuck off.

i needed this phone call. it reminded me that perhaps i was correct in keeping my distance in the first place.

dropping the f-bomb

what a fucking asshole. i realize he was just reacting to what i said in the e-mail but gawd, it didn't even make much sense. it makes it that much easier for me to deal with the end of the relationship. but some of the stuff that he accuses me of is the fucking pot calling the fucking kettle black. fuck you.

fuck you for acting like you cared about me. fuck you for making me believe that you saw your future with me. fuck you for being so fucking selfish - for knowing damn, fucking well that you weren't ready for a relationship but being fucking selfish enough to continue to date me anyway. fuck you for calling me a prude about sex - at least i can be spontaneous about it. fuck you for acting as though we had been together for years with your fucking pet names and your fucking weekends in. fuck you for saying that the way i chose to end it was immature - do you need me to forward the original e-mail you sent me that ended it the first time? fuck you for not even making enough fucking time to have a coffee with me so this might have ended civilly. fuck you for not trusting me, even though i had never given you any reason not to. fuck you and your fucking drunken way of dealing with shit you can't handle. fuck you for acting like you were the one who was making all of the sacrifices. fuck you for making me feel like i was being unreasonable. fuck you and your over-emotional, over-wrought reactions to just about fucking everything. fuck you for bringing more drama into my life than i ever wanted, wished for or imagined was available.

and finally, fuck you and your fucking football - i am sooo glad your team got spanked in the playoffs. the only thing that would've made it sweeter was if they had made it to the Superbowl and lost it in a final second heartbreaker...in overtime.

grow up, you fucking baby.

the straw

after much thought and hesitation and self-doubt and tears, i finally sent The E-mail to end it all...for now. and after i had sent it, this was the daily horoscope that popped into my inbox an hour later:

"Don't let an important relationship in your life unravel, especially when it's so easy to pick up the threads. A simple phone call or a short email exchange can go much further than you'd think."

i don't know how he'll react. i don't know if he'll try to contact me. i left the door open but i also made it clear that he wasn't currently offering me what i needed.

if i can make it through the next 72 hours without hearing from him, i think this one might stick.

fix-it

i want to be with him because i think i can "fix him". he's so broken. he's had a heckuva life. his past relationships have obviously made him suspicous and untrusting. so i think i've actually taken it upon myself to make him right again. i know that i'm the right person to do it and yet i also know that it's not my job to do it. he's been broken for 30+ years - what makes me think i can change things and make his life better in less than 6 months?

have i said that i know how wrong he is for me? that he's taken advantage of the way i am in relationships? that he's getting everything he needs from me but i'm getting nothing i need from him? that he's having his cake and eating it too?

i have said all of that? twice, you say? ok, just checking.

subconscious

i think i am subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship. but, it can't be subconscious if i am conscious of it. i am so messed up.

i've been "distant" with him lately - his words, not mine. it's not advertent - i guess i've just been trying to keep busy. i resent the fact that he just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me - more specifically, any one-on-one time. he told me today that he wanted to see me this wednesday and then when i asked him whether i'd see him this weekend, he told me friday night. i was really hoping to spend the weekend with him - i have the apartment, after all. but he doesn't seem to think along those lines. he cares more about how big the TV is in the apartment than the fact that we'll be alone. he won't watch here because the TV isn't big enough but he suggested that we go to my house to watch. huh? i know how important the playoffs are to him and i am perfectly happy watching the games with him. but he seems to be avoiding being alone with me. and avoiding introducing me to his friends. avoiding any real placement in his everyday life in general, actually.

i am beginning to think that, while he obviously does like me, he's just not as attracted to me as he'd like to think he is. seriously, i could walk around topless and he would tell me to put a shirt on. should i be flattered that he doesn't see me as just a sexual object? or should i be insulted? is it because he's older so his sex drive isn't as high? i don't understand.

and he had the nerve to say to me today that i always have issues about something when i got really pouty about not being able to see him this weekend. EXCUSE ME???

all the wrong places

why do i seek validation from men who are not worth my time? i was at a friend's birthday party tonight and was very much looking forward to going as i haven't been able to see this particular group of friends for awhile. unbeknownst to me, this guy i had asked out last year was there (i didn't expect him to be there because he's not really a friend of my friend). anyway, last year when i asked him out, he sounded interested in actually going out and he took my number. he never phoned me. soon after, i heard about what he was really like - not that he was a boy whose day job was being a lawyer nor that he was a player (he's both, actually). no, it was that his dream was to buy a warehouse, convert the top into a loft so he could live there, and make the bottom part a BMX track. he's 33. um, yeah.

anyway, he was sitting with my friend and they were looking cozy enough that people started asking whether they were dating. for a lark, i took their picture and they hammed it up - she looked embarrassed and he looked very comfortable. and all i could think was, "why didn't he call me? why isn't he falling all over me now? what the hell is wrong with him?"

it is still bugging me, even though i know he's not the one for me. maybe it's because he's really, really, really cute. hot, almost. i am so shallow. ;)

what i gotta do

i need to break up with him. it took a stranger who was scouting for potential "daters" for a TV show called "manhattan matchmaker" to really hammer it home how much i need to end this relationship. and not just because they won't let me on the show if i don't.

this relationship has been very bad for my self-esteem. it's taken me back to square one, where i thought i had left my old self behind. and now, she's back and getting walked on, all over again. it's not right.

i've already started dropping hints (although we know how good he is at picking them up). like when he complained today about how he hasn't seen me in a long time, i said, "well, if you had some time for me, you'd see me. i could've seen you tonight." and he said, "but the hockey game was on." and i said, "you could've asked me to watch it with you." and he said, "yeah, i guess so." talk about out of sight, out of mind.

i want so much for this to work but the fact remains that it isn't - at least not for me.

happy new year

i went to a NYE party last night at the Commodore with two couples and one of my girlfriends. i wasn't looking forward to it as i figured it would be a night of smoochy couples and drunken revelry. i was sort of wrong.

i had a great time; probably the best time i've had at new year's in a long time. everyone was drinking but me but no one was annoying. the two couples each had an agreement that they could each flirt with other people - just no kissing. apparently, that limitation didn't include anyone in the group. my two friends from work (my girlfriend and one of the guys in the couples) were grinding on the dancefloor, holding hands, stroking thighs, even kissing necks. it was a very odd thing for me to witness and, had i been drinking, i probably would've said something in jest. i was just so weirded out that i couldn't say anything. one of the other girls kept flashing people but she did have a nice rack and she was very sweet about it (as sweet as you can be when you are flashing bartenders for free drinks). it was a very interesting night. i managed to get home and in bed by 4 a.m. and i was awake and up and at 'em (as much as you can be at 'em on NYD Sunday).

as for my yearly resolutions, i don't really want to make any this year. i always make the same ones every year and they are ones i should live by everyday anyway so why bother making them? but i'd feel like it was bad luck to not make them... so, here they are:

1. Learn to knit;
2. Learn a new language;
3. Go somewhere different for my birthday this year (not just a new place in Mexico, either);
4. Live my life based on what I actually need and want and not by what other people tell me I need and want or what I think I need and want based on comparing myself to other people;
5. No More Drama.

okay, so i stuck in a couple of less frivolous ones. but in the next few weeks, more than ever, i need to be reminded of those ones especially.

retail therapy

i spent $365.00 today on stuff i simply don't need. i've already packed up more than half of it to return it to their respective stores on the weekend. and you know what? it doesn't bother me.

in fact, the one thing i've learned about my shopping habits is that, although i do tend to buy stupid things and lots of them (albeit always on sale and always at a steal of a deal), even if i end up returning 95% of the stuff i've bought, it makes me feel good just to have known i owned it for a couple of days. sick, eh?

however, i'm not stupid about it. i never buy stuff that i've fallen in love with and can't afford because i end up justifying keeping the purchase and regret it later. the stuff i've bought at the boxing day sales are of the "like 'em but can leave 'em" kind, which is fine with me. who needs three new pairs of shoes when i have at least two pairs in my closet that are still in boxes? i keep buying pants because i get such a good deal on them (and i find it hard to buy pants that look good on me) but what i really need are tops - for work, for weekend, for going out. so i'm going to return the $10 pair of pants i bought at Reitmans because, even though they are only $10, for $20 i bought a nicer pair at the GAP and i know they will last longer.

and i bought a sweater for the Boy. it's only $20 and it would look so good on him but i will hold out on giving it to him. his birthday is in a month - i'll add this sweater to whatever else i might get him, if we make it to then. :)

christmas blues

i used to get so excited about Christmas. i loved going shopping and picking out gifts and putting up decorations and singing carols - and this was just within the past 5 years! i don't know why, as i get older, it seems like Christmas doesn't mean anything anymore.

every year, Christmas displays in stores go up earlier and earlier. at the rate they are going up, at some point they will actually coincide with the Christmas season. it doesn't feel like people care about spending time with family and friends - it's all about how much money you're going to spend and what you hope you'll get. i think i'm finally over-commercialized, if that's even possible.

it occurs to me that this feeling of nothingness has grown stronger over the past five years and i wonder if it is a coincidence that my Christmas Mass attendance has also waned over the past five years. it's not that i didn't like going to Christmas Eve Mass - it's more that it wasn't something that made sense to go to anymore. it's not that i don't still have the beliefs i grew up with. but when you make the effort to go to church on Christmas Eve and end up sitting in the adjacent school's gymnasium, watching what's going on in the Church by closed-circuit TV, the event loses its feeling. coupled with the fact that everyone else in the gym (usually late-comers or people with small children) end up chatting with each other throughout most of the hour instead of watching the priest on the TV, you stop taking it very seriously.

i'm not very Catholic anymore (but then again, how many Catholics do you know that are?) but i think i might go to Christmas Eve Mass this year. i know a lot of people will scoff at me but i think everyone, no matter what beliefs you subscribe to, needs to believe in something. even believing in nothing is believing in something, ironically enough. i think this is the year that i need to re-visit some things i believed in, even though it doesn't mean that i'm going back for good.

prayer for relief

God, give me the strength - any strength you can spare - to help me deal with this thing we call love.

he phoned me on sunday and apologized for his behaviour, although he says he's still mad. it irks me that he thinks we can just fall back into place - we are going to "talk" about it, but everything seems all the same now, pre-DQM (drama queen moment). i want him to know that he can't just blow up at me for no reason and expect everything to return to normal when he's ready for it to. yet i'm not sure if i'm really getting through to him with that.

i gave him what-for when he phoned. i told him it was up to him whether he believed what i was telling him but i insisted i wasn't dating anyone else but him. i told him that i have guy friends and asked him if he had female friends. he said he didn't and i said, "why, because you always end up dating them?" and he said something that sort of sounded like, "yes." i don't know if he was being facetious or just being stubborn but now i wonder. yet, what the fuck does he care? he's the one who said he wasn't ready to do the exclusive thing. i'm the one who's waiting around for him to make up his mind. there is some serious inequality going on here and i don't like it.

i'm not sure he trusts me, although i don't know why. i've never given him any reason not to.

this stupidness needs to stop. stop the insanity!!!

relief?

we had another dramatic episode this morning, culminating in him walking out the door (hastily packed bag in hand) saying, "well, i hope you two are very happy together." slam.

then he phones 30 minutes later and i answer. he's surprised that i answer and says, "i was just going to leave a nasty voicemail for you." and i said, "well, you've got me on the phone. tell me now." he refused. i told him he had left his scarf and a pair of socks in the room and he said, "OH WELL." then he hung up.

fucking drama queen. i finally feel like i've done everything i could. and i'm 95% glad it's over.

glutton

i hate that, despite all these years of trying to become comfortable with being alone and not feeling that need to have a "man in my life", i would still rather have someone break up with me than be the one who does the breaking up. i think it's because i know i have survived that awful heartache that starts in the pit of your stomach and travels upwards to the back of your throat, so i know i will survive it again.

everything in my relationship is fine, until i start to think about what i deserve (the good kind, not the bad kind). there are no problems with the status quo in my head until i realize that i'm making excuses again. but am i making excuses? and what exactly is it that i deserve?

i was thinking the other day (never a good start, actually)... well, it was more wondering whether he was worth "waiting" for (you know, getting the stuff in his life sorted out so that he had time for me). i wondered whether i actually believed he was worth waiting for or whether i just thought he was because, when he is attentive and mentally with me, he's exactly the way i want him to be. and then i realized that, no matter what is going on in his life, if he thought i was worth it, he would "take the plunge", as it were. he wouldn't be thinking that his ex's feelings were more important than mine (that's how i interpret it, anyway). he wouldn't want to have his cake and eat it too - he would just have the damn cake! a friend of mine that i used to work with got involved with a guy who was going through his Alcoholics Anonymous meetings - perhaps had just started. but he pursued her like there was no tomorrow, got sober at the same time and they're now married. i don't know if it's happily or not but he didn't let his life problems stop him from getting into a relationship. granted, he does have an addictive personality so perhaps that might be the reason but i digress. my point is - it appears to me that he doesn't see me as someone who is worth throwing that caution to the wind - but just in case i am, he's trying to hang on anyway.

it's not that i just realized this. i'm pretty sure i knew it all along. and yet, i still can't see myself doing anything about it. i talk myself out of it, saying "it's only been three months. what's your hurry?" and really, what is my hurry? it's not like i'm devoting all of my extra time to him. it's not like i would turn down a date with someone if they asked and i thought they were worth going out with (at least, i like to think i wouldn't). he asked me what i was doing for new years and i asked him the same. he said that he had plans to go to whistler with bunch of his guy friends but if that didn't come through that he would "tag along" with whatever i might be doing. huh?

it is the head v. heart dilemma all over again. everything in my head - every fibre of reason that i possess (and there isn't that much fibre, believe me) - is telling me to GET OUT NOW! and yet the minute i think that i'm going to do it, every violin string in my heart starts to play and i can't bring myself to do it. i make this hard for myself. i think i enjoy it. sick, isn't it?

just call me "mimi" cause it's all about me

i sometimes wonder if my mom was right: am i a selfish and self-serving person?

today at work was busy. i had a project to work on that could've lasted me most of the day and the big boss came at me with one of his "hurry up and wait" projects that would've kept me on my toes for the remainder of the day. at a little after 11, i sat down at my desk for one of the first times this morning to catch a break and my phone rings. it's my mom. she's crying. she sounds panicked. and first, i think it's about my dad and that something has happened to him. so i inquire. and she tells me there is something wrong with her heart - that there's an extra beat which isn't normally present. and i calm slightly. oh, it's just that.

before you think i'm totally cold-hearted, let me give a bit of a background. my mom has had this condition for almost 20 years. she's always had an "irregular" heartbeat. it was only recently that a specialist finally diagnosed her as having it. but they told her it wasn't dangerous. so she's lived with it. but when it happens, she goes into full-out panic mode and is inconsolable. and 9 times out of 10, it's nothing.

so today, instead of offering to drop everything and come to her rescue when she asked me to come get her, i hesitated. i told her i didn't have a car and it would take me awhile to get my car and come get her. i knew i had this letter i had to get out by courier asap. i basically told her, in not so many words, that i didn't have time for her panic attack but when i did, i would come and get her. i felt terrible - for not feeling terrible.

instead, i phoned my dad (who works out in langley) to leave work and go help her. i told him i would try to get out of work when i could. i was more scared of what my boss would say when i told him i needed to go see my mom at the emergency room than of what she would think of me. not surprisingly, my boss was very supportive and gave me the rest of the day off, even though i told him i'd come back to work when i could. i had every intention of it.

i knew it was nothing. she knew it was nothing. but, as the boy said to me, "what if it's not nothing? don't you want to err on the side of caution?" he was nice enough to drive me to the emergency room. and luckily, neither of us thought it was a good time for him to meet my mom so instead, he hung back and was more my support (not that i think i needed it but i felt like i should need it).

and after she sat in the waiting room for five hours, waiting for the results of her electrocardiogram, she found out that it was what she suspected - nothing. and i felt bad about not being at work. when i didn't really have anything to do anyway. what's wrong with me?

shameful

i've come to the realization that the older i get, the more irresponsible i am about saving money. my credit card bills this month totalled $1800. not really a lot compared to some people still a lot when you consider that i don't really have anything to show for it. i looked at one of my statements - tangibles included shoes and some clothes but probably only a grand total of maybe...MAYBE $500. the rest is eating out...eating out...transportation...and eating out. and my savings is practically non-existent, if you don't include my rather pathetic excuse for an RRSP.

where did i go wrong? the year i decided to buy a car, i was able to save up almost $10,000 in under a year. why am i barely scraping by now?

so, i've done up a budget for myself. for the next couple of months, it will be hard to stick to it as it is the holiday season and, let's face it, i'll need a couple of months to pay off my current credit card bills and replenish the savings i'm going to have to dig into in order to do so. i'm a terrible person. i'm a frivolous person. wasteful. i'm truly ashamed of myself right now.

last weekend alone i spent almost $600. i got my car serviced ($200), my hair cut and highlighted ($180) and got a new pair of eyeglasses ($440 - $200 from insurance). and last week was when i decided i needed to "cut down".

the first thing i need to cut down on is how much i eat out - it's ridiculous. if i want to visit with friends, i should either go for coffee or have dinner parties. potluck dinner parties.

for some reason, i can control my shopping for clothes and toys - i just have to stay out of the mall. but food...ah, food. i use it as a basis for everything - socializing, business, comfort. must stop eating out. after tomorrow.

ah, the mañana budget...

marie antoinette

"let them eat cake!" or, in his case, let them have their cake AND eat it too.

it would've have been so much easier had we not bumped into each other at starbucks yesterday. we'd have said our goodbyes and we would've moved on. instead, we're back in limbo.

if a friend were relaying my situation to me as their own, i would tell her to walk away and cut her losses. being alone is better than being in a relationship where the terms are being dictated by someone else, in the long run. is it scary that while i fully know that i should just walk away from this relationship now, i don't think i'm going to? that i can foresee great heartbreak in the not-so-distant future and yet it's not deterring me from continuing on my path of self-destruction?

i have never been someone who was able to delay immediate gratification for potentially greater gains in the future and it's no different in this situation. and i know that no matter how hard i try to make it all work, to the satisfaction of the both of us, it's not. i'm going to end up getting hurt in the end. and i'll only have myself to blame.

perhaps i need to think on this a little while longer. we are going to have coffee on saturday and continue our conversation from dinner tonight. it was a good conversation; probably one of the better ones we've had (not that there have been many to choose from).

here is how i see it: we should continue on the same route but with a little Elvis thrown in for spice. you know, "a little less conversation, a little more action, please." PLEASE!!!!! :)

to be continued....

serendipity

or at least, a damn spooky coincidence. here was my day...

first thing this morning, despite the fact that in the past few days, i've barred myself from checking e-mails as frequently as i normally do, i couldn't stop myself from checking my e-mail to see if he had sent me something. he had. it was a short note that basically said that he understood that this is how i was dealing with it but he at least expected me to say goodbye. reacting on pure emotion, i e-mailed him back and said, "And I thought you would have been kind enough to at least tell me in person. Take care of yourself. I will miss you." i cried when i sent it off (gawd, i hate hormones!) but i felt so much better after sending it - my heart felt lighter and i actually felt happier than i have since friday. it just goes to show that you really should deal with things the way you (as opposed to someone else) feel like you should deal with things. leaving his e-mail unanswered left me with no closure, although i felt like i was doing the right thing because everyone was unanimous about telling me to leave it be. all of a sudden, life was liveable again and i didn't feel like i was constantly stopping myself from tearing up.

i had a doctor's appointment this morning so i took the bus from my office downtown to the west side at granville & 7th. i was early getting to my appointment (it was at 9:15 - the first one of the morning) but i went in anyway because it was cold and rainy outside. i was out by 9:10. i figured i had lots of time to watch buses go by to see which one would feasibly take me back downtown. as i stood at the crosswalk at 7th and granville, bundled up in my gortex and fleece jackets (hood and all), i looked directly across the street where a green Explorer was parked. i thought, "i'll never be able to look at one of those again without thinking it's him." i crossed granville and then i crossed 7th, passed a new starbucks on the corner. the guy that was walking in front of me veered in the direction of the starbucks and out of the corner of my eye (as my peripheral vision was a bit inhibited with my two hoods), i could see him hesitate as he opened the door. instinctively, i shifted my purse to my other hand.

just then, i don't know if i heard my name (through the layers of the hoods, probably not) or if something else just caught my eye but i turned around to look back at the starbucks door and there he was, standing in the doorway, looking as surprised to see me as i was to see him.

i walked back over to him. he asked me what i was doing there and i told him i was at the doctor's and that i was on my way back to work. he tried to make light of meeting so coincidentally and i started to cry (damn hormones!!!). i don't really remember what we said. a lot; not much at all. i remember telling him that he over reacted to everything which is why things were as hard as they appeared to be. he was mock-insulted. but it's true. i agreed to talk with him about everything at another time and we parted ways.

i can't help but see signs and coincidences wherever i go. the fateful friday morning, i woke up with my stereo alarm playing no doubt's "don't speak". i laughed to myself and thought, "is this a hint?" and so i can't help thinking that seeing him today was somewhat fateful. i could've walked up to broadway to catch the bus instead of down to 5th. of all things, he recognized my shoes and that's how he knew it was me, all bundled up in my rain gear. he decided to go to that starbucks, even though it's across town from where he lives, because it was new and he figured it would be a quiet place to study. spooky.

i don't know what to do. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow.

admissions

ok, i admit it. i am going to be sad about this for awhile. i know i shouldn't be but you can't reason with something as unreasonable as emotions.

i thought nothing could feel worse than still feeling crappy about my relationship that ended FOUR YEARS AGO. i was wrong. he is actually not a much better person, behaviour-wise, than my ex was. i think it is just because when we were together, just hanging out or out on "couple night", he was so attentive. he loved to kiss me and hug me and tell me how good i looked. he called me those stupid, sappy nicknames i never thought i'd allow myself to be referred to as and i loved it. he made me laugh. he'd stop by my work during the day on his way somewhere just to give me a kiss and a hug. he talked about our future together - we even decided how many kids we were going to have and playfully argued about what we were going to name them (that was a little much but in the foggy haze that is infatuation, it was okay - now that i type it out, i think i may retch.). he played the role of adoring and doting BF to a tee. and i really thought that all of the above would make up for all of the below. and some days, it did.

but really, we never talked. well, he talked and if i talked, he never listened (or retained anything i said for longer than five seconds). we didn't really have conversations on the phone - they were mostly just "check-in" sessions. hell, we never really had conversations in person. i never met any of his friends and when he was on the phone with one of them (which seemed to be all the time when we were hanging out together), he would just say that he was "out already", but he would never say with whom. he would always talk about where he was going to take me ("I know this great jazz club I'm going to take you to" or "You haven't tried that restaurant? It's really good - I'll take you there") or what he was going to buy ("Oh, the M3 - I was so close to buying that in the summer" or "I love this neighbourhood - I was going to buy a place here" - and that was in pretty much every neighbourhood we drove through) or where he was going to go ("I'm going to spend some time in Japan - are you coming with me?" or "I'm definitely selling all my stuff and we're going to live in Europe for at least a year - what countries are on the top of your list?").

but nothing ever changed. no jazz clubs were visited or cars bought or tickets booked. hell, we talked about going away for the weekend for the past four weeks and nothing ever came of it.

this is not a bad thing that has happened. i know that i am far better off without him than i would be with him. it's reconciling that thought with the loneliness that has settled back into its regular spot somewhere in the bottom of my heart that is making this much more difficult than it really should be.

empty again

i was with a group of friends tonight, having a "going away" dinner for one of the group that is moving away. it was a lot of fun until we were passing around her going away gift - a photo album of all the pictures we've accumulated in the two years we've known each other. one picture was at another friend's wedding this past summer - the one where i met him. the picture was a candid of my friend, him and me and he was saying something to her. the look on my face was prophetic and everyone laughed when they saw it - i looked like i was thinking, "are you kidding me? what are you - stupid?" it was funny but at the same time, it started to make me really sad. there was another picture from our recent trip to whistler where we were all in the shot (another candid) and he was in the corner of the picture, just his profile, probably during his turn in the "clay-off".

and, despite my best efforts not to, i cried all the way home. which was actually not smart since it was very dark and the roads were very slick and it was the back roads of surrey. and i wasn't crying over him - i could give you a long list of reasons why i know he isn't right for me. but i did cry for what i lost, which is the other half of what made me part of that exclusive club that i so miss belonging to. it was hard seeing michelle and carl at the table tonight, just because the last time i was with them was probably the night the four of us went for dinner and then went back to their house to watch "team america". one of our "couple nights". i know i'm pathetic but i'm also PMSing so i have somewhat of an excuse. :)

i'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. all those pathetic thoughts are running through my head... like that i'll never meet anyone else...or that i'm going to swear off dating forever...or that there really is something wrong with me. the first two i know are just reactionary thoughts. the last, i'm not so sure about right now.

i dated a woman

or at least, a woman disguised as a linebacker. he broke up with me today. i'd sent him an email last night that basically aired out my issue with him in a roundabout way. i told him how i didn't appreciate how he flaked out on plans with me because, basically, he'd find something else to do or when he was with me, how it felt like he'd rather be somewhere else. he phoned me at work this morning and demanded i elaborate "what he did wrong now". i told him we would talk about it later and he repeated that he wanted to know. so i gave him a very short version and then he said, "ok, we'll talk about this later" and hung up. about an hour later, i checked my home e-mail and he had sent me a message with the subject line "i'm sorry". i read the first line and it said, "i'm sorry to do this in an email..." and i thought, "what a pussy. at least i was going to do it in person."

i spent the rest of the day laughing internally (both out of disgust and out of the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation) and externally, actually, whenever i thought about it.

while i don't plan on even returning the e-mail, it does bother me because he accused me of being insensitive (!?!) for "blaming" him for the situation we were in.

the man is a bit delusional. and the BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN i've ever met. he said that relationships shouldn't be this hard at the beginning. i'm thinking that if he didn't jump to conclusions and make everything a huge production, it probably wouldn't be hard. it would probably be quite simple, actually.

how much do you want to be that he's going to get back with the ex? i think his over-reaction to this last "issue" was just a ruse. and i bet you that phone call had a little somethin' somethin' to do with it.

ok. i'm done. :)

36 going on 3

if i was certain he'd never phone me again, i think it would hurt like hell for a few days but then i'd get over it. it's the fact that things are up in the air (yet again) that is bothering me.

why does he have to be such a child? and a hypocrite? he can make plans without me on the same day we've talked about doing something together but i can't?

perhaps this relationship has run its course. two "misunderstandings" in less than two months? that's two more than i would like and both were turned around on me and made my fault. if i were a stronger person, i'd end this RFN.

unfortunately for me, i'm not as strong as i like to pretend i am. i can talk the talk but when it comes down to it, i'm about as tough as jell-o. that's sitting outside. in the sun. under the sprinkler.

deja vu?

my last LTR began unraveling when i realized he was still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend. i don't know if they hung out (i'm sure they did) but i know they e-mailed and talked on the phone. when i first confronted him about it, he told me he wouldn't let it affect our relationship and if it bothered me that much, he would do something about it. he never did. in fact, when i confronted him about it again a year or so later, he told me that i was paranoid and he wasn't going to stop talking to a friend because i was being insecure. (he wasn't a very nice guy, in hindsight).

anyhoo, jump forward to the present and to my current beau. today we were at my house watching the hockey game. his phone rang and he scoffed when he saw the caller. then, he showed me his call display and said, "wanna say hi to your buddy?" it was his ex. i was so tempted to grab the phone out of his hand and say hello. in hindsight, maybe i should've. that would've shown him not to mess with me! :) anyway, she left a message. and i struggled as to whether or not i would say anything to him about it.

on the one hand, it did bother me. why is she calling him? has he told her he's seeing someone else? he doesn't need to tell her he's dating me but it would be nice if she knew that he wasn't waiting around for her anymore. and why does he still have her phone number in his phone? he just got a new phone a couple of weeks ago so he would have had to physically input her name and phone number into this new phone. so it's in there on purpose. WTF? and why, if he couldn't stand to be with her romantically anymore, is it okay now that they are just "friends"? i never understood why couples who break up insist on keeping in touch. no, i do understand because i did it too. i remained "friends" with my ex for a good month because where else was i going to get laid? find and break-in someone new? no thanks! so is that why they're still "in touch"? so they can reach out and touch each other if the drunken mood strikes? i say to you again - WTF?

on the other hand, i think i wanted to freak out and confront him because that's the way i've always done it. i've always been irrational and suspicious and accusatory. so i wanted to react that way by habit, but not necessarily because i felt like something was going on. it's not like he's hiding the fact that she phoned him. and in fact, he said he did it because he didn't want me to think he was hiding something from me. but he did say that they still "talk". whatever that means.

when he left, he asked me, "it doesn't bother you that she called me, does it?" the old me would've said, "no, not at all," and then freaked out on him later, either in an e-mail or in a totally unrelated situation. the new me said, "yes, it does, actually." point blank, no whining or accusing. he said, "you know there's no way i'll ever get back with her, don't you?" and i said, "no, i don't." it was somewhat comforting that he tried to assure me that he wouldn't get back together with her but at the same time, we're talking about two people who were together for six years and found a way to break up and get back together numerous times in those six years. how can he know that for sure? particularly if she actually doesn't know that he's dating someone new. i mean, really - whose feelings are more important to him? mine or hers?

but, the new me says that if he really wants to be with her, then he will. and like all the other heart breaks i've suffered, i will survive.

that gooey feeling

i wonder if i'm trying to rush things. actually, i don't need to wonder - i know i am. i just love this gooey, mushy, warm and fuzzy feeling i have had these past two or three weeks. ever since we hashed out the ex-GF thing, things have been so much better. and yet part of me wonders - is it really better or do i just want it to be better? am i making up things to create drama or am i really bothered by them?

i might just be having a hard time adjusting. after all, it's been four years since i've had to care about anyone else's feelings but my own. i have to get used to the differences between him and my previous BFs (not that he's got that title yet but it takes too long to call him "the guy i'm dating"). in many ways, probably in the "guy" ways, he's similar to my last BF. loves his sports and beer and macho, manly stuff. at the same time, also similar to the ex, he's really emotional and (even more so than the ex), emotive (i.e. he wears his heart firmly planted on his sleeve). that's pretty much where the similarities end but is that enough to make me feel cautious about what i'm getting myself into?

my insecurities have always gotten the better of me. i wonder when i'll finally allow myself to turn the tables and get a hold of them instead?

square two

well, things are back to normal. we had lunch earlier this week and hashed it out. there were no angry words or harsh tones. he said what he had to say, i said what i had to say and we came to an understanding that, really, was already there. it's just now spoken as opposed to un-.

after my lunch with him, i went back to my desk and my co-worker said to me, "so, do you always kiss strange men you meet on the street?" busted. apparently, as i began to answer, she could see my face turn from its normal color to a slightly more pink. i think it was just because i came in from the cold into a heated building. i don't blush.

it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood - maybe one of the last nice fall days we'll have this year. time to go for a walk with the myPod.

limbo?

i phoned him last night and it went to voicemail. i phoned him this morning and his phone was off so i left a message. i phoned him again this afternoon and it was still off. no e-mails. nothing. what the F?

was what i did a big enough thing to break up over? i mean, seriously! admittedly, i should've just brought it up when he was talking about her. playfully shot him down, you know? but to ignore my phone calls and messages? he always has time to phone me. it's funny how he can go from absolute adoration to downright jerkiness. i always did hate that damn pedestal.

i imagined last night that he was at his ex-GF's for dinner (because he told me on friday that she invited him for the family thanksgiving dinner - WTF?). this morning when he didn't answer the phone, i imagined that he was still at her house: a) asleep after OD'ing on too much turkey; or b) asleep after OD'ing on too much make-up sex. what do you think, too much time on my hands?

my horoscope from astrology.com popped into my inbox while i was waiting for him to email me (i know i'm pathetic). it said: "Now that someone or something that was nothing but trouble and worry has officially moved out of your life, you may be privately worrying that the other shoe is about to drop. Well, stop that, because that's just not the case. While, at the moment, one never knows what the Universe may have up its sleeve, there's absolutely no doubt that it will be good -- if not immediately, then in the long run, for certain. There. Better?"

eerie, eh?

wait a minute...

so he wasn't too happy with my e-mail. he replied back, saying i should've told him in person instead of through an email. my first instinct was to apologize, which i did. i replied back to him, saying that i was sorry that i chose this particular medium to communicate how i was feeling. i told him i did want to talk to him about it in person. then i said i would phone him tomorrow. and then i realized that i'm doing it again.

he totally turned this around on me. instead of just addressing the issue that i brought up, he gets upset because of the way i brought it up. and then, of course, i feel bad. but the issue is still out there, unaddressed. how is this all my fault in my head?

i really hope this is something that will blow over in a couple of days. at the same time, if it doesn't, obviously it wasn't meant to be...and all the other cliches that go along with self-talk.

i need help.

old habits

it bothers me that he still talks about his ex. it's never anything too praising or too damning but rather, it's anecdotes about their life together. and it's driving me nuts. it doesn't help that he has brought up not once, but twice how big her boobs are. i don't need to know.

so i sent him an email. one of my infamous "non-confrontational" emails, used to facilitate discussion. in it, i even said that if he needed time to work things out with her (because she emailed him on friday to invite him to dinner at her parent's place for thanksgiving) that i would step back and let him do what he needed to do. the weird part is that, despite the fact that i really like him, i'm not scared that he might actually take me up on it. perhaps it's because we really haven't been together all that long. it just feels like we have.

i have mentioned this many times but i hate that i think so much. it is more of a hindrance than a help but i can't figure out a way to deal with it. most of my relationship problems stem from my insecurities and i'm fully aware of that. yet, i still manage to think myself into a slight frenzy everytime things don't go quite the way i planned.

i made sure that any "threat" i made in my email, i was okay with going through with. i just hope i don't have to. even when he's making me crazy, i'd still rather be with him than be alone with my thoughts and theories. that's quite something if you know me.

cloud 5

i'm more than half-way to cloud 9...

work is going really well. i love it! i should really stop shying away from "real" paralegal work and just dive in but at the moment, they're being very nice about easing me into the flow so i'm going to milk it for as long as i'm able. i'm going to be in the bocce tournament on thursday night (assuming that i can finish my project before they all leave - i think i'll make it to dinner, if i don't make it to bocce). i'm in the firm's hockey pool with one of my lawyers. i work downtown. i don't fight traffic every morning and every afternoon. i get home by 5. OMG, don't pinch me - i don't want to wake up from this dream!

and then there is my other news... [for those that don't want to hear about my love life, you can stop reading now]


i'm dating someone :) ... someone really nice :) ... someone i didn't meet on the internet :) ... he's the cousin of a friend from school. i met him a couple of months ago at my friend's housewarming but didn't think much of him, except that he was dating this girl i went to highschool with. i met him again a month later at the same friend's wedding shower - sans girlfriend. the wedding was two weeks later and it was pretty apparent, even to me (!) that he was interested. have i mentioned that he's so nice?

i can't say that he's the type i normally go for. let's face it, i love the pretty boys... tall, lanky, blond, blue eyes, suave, sophisticated... blah blah blah. this one does not quite fit the profile. he's tall-ish (probably about 5'11), brownish-blond hair that's greying at the temples, and he's built like a football player (so not what i normally go for!). he's a big goofball that talks a lot and likes football way too much. did i mention he's nice?

ok, i'll stop talking about him because: a) i don't want to jinx anything; and b) i don't want to turn into "one of those girls". :)

why cloud 5? because i think it's only going to get better... (bring on the cheese!)

appreciation

my old boss sent me an e-mail yesterday. all it said was, "boy, do i miss you! i hope they appreciate you at your new place!" my new boss sent me an e-mail on tuesday, after i had sent him some documents i had transcribed, and he said, "thanks for your good work on these. the quality of your work is excellent, despite the fact that it's only your second day." it is hard not to feel smug and self-satisfied when you really are that good. (OMG, someone deflate her head)

i love working downtown. and i like where i work, although i'm pretty sure i'm not going to find any best friends in my office. nonetheless, everyone is nice to me and that's all i can ask for. any doubts i had about leaving my old job quickly went away. while i'm not doing the work i should be doing, i'm happy to just have work to do all day. i feel like i'm finally making a contribution (albeit small) and it's a pretty damn good feeling.

woo hoo!!

you don't know how good it felt to drive away from work yesterday. i had to resist the urge to do cartwheels (not because i thought it would be inappropriate - more that i can't do a cartwheel). it was weird, packing up my stuff, knowing that i'd never work in that basement again. saying goodbye to the families, talking of my plans. very strange, yet very, very liberating. my three lawyers took me to cioppino's in yaletown for lunch - i would've been happy if they had taken me to the cactus club but that shows you how high-end my tastes are. the food was okay - the server was a bit over-the-top (even the other servers rolled their eyes at him behind his back). the chocolate creme brulee was out of this world. i know someone with a creme brulee blow torch (whom I laughed at when she bought it) that might be interested in making it :)

at the same time as the realization that i would not be working for the company in the same capacity as i am now washed over me, a very frightening truth also came hurtling at me: i'm going to a job where i don't know anything. i hate that. i don't know how i'm going to get to the train station on monday (should i drive or should i take the bus?). i don't know what they'll expect from me on my first day...first week. i don't even have anything to wear. this is a disaster. what have i done???

the only comfort that i have is knowing that i left my current job with no regrets. that's gotta count for something, right?

wasted

i was hired to support three lawyers. to date, i've really only done work for two of them. i went to the third one's house today, just to install some files onto her computer. i had never really gotten the opportunity to chat with her before and so the only thing i had ever heard about her was what other people told me - and not all the things said were good. she said something very interesting to me today. she had asked me earlier what the reason i was leaving was and i told her that, basically, i needed a different working environment. i didn't bother getting into how much i didn't enjoy some of the work i did or any of that. a bit later on in our conversation, she said off-handedly that the reason why she never called on me to do any work for her was that the only work she needed done in her home office was her filing. she said that she felt it would be insulting to me, with all my education and how hard i've worked to get it, to ask me to do work that any 12 year old could do. whether she meant it or whether she just said it to make herself look good, i appreciate that she said it. at least someone recognizes that the job they've hired me to do is not one that requires someone that has a similar education as me. i think i can leave my job as i know it with a clear conscience.

moving on, moving up

today was my last day at the waterloo office. i felt really sad all day - almost like i didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone because i knew it would probably be the last time ever. i know it's strange - i'm a little too sentimental for my own good sometimes. i've only known these people for three months and actually, most of them for a total of 9 days. yet they were all very sociable and inviting - at least once or twice this week i re-thought whether or not my decision to leave the company was a good one. i asked my boss to hold off on sending out the "she's leaving" e-mail until i was back in vancouver - i figured that half of them don't even know who the heck i am so why bother? some of the girls from the department took me out for lunch today, which was very nice of them. i also got another offer for lunch from one of the lawyers, which was very nice of him as well (i turned him down - first to ask, first to be accepted, i say!). then, we all sat outside and ate our free ice-cream from the Dickie Dee man (one of the perks in the summertime from the company). i plan on sending my usual farewell e-mail next friday but only to a select few.

i'm a bit nervous about starting my new job - it's all happened so suddenly, really. last week at this time, i had just accepted the position. now i have a week until i start my new job - i have to figure out whether or not i'm going to take the train into work (with gas prices at 129.5/L, i'm leaning towards yes), fill out all of those stupid forms, buy some clothes to actually wear to work... crazy things are happening in such a short period of time. perhaps, for someone like me who tends to over-think everything, this is a good thing. it doesn't give me a lot of time to question or doubt. i just have enough time to get myself organized.

it's currently 10:15 pm in waterloo and i am sitting in my hotel room with my hair in curlers but no makeup on. why? because one of the lawyers at work (THE lawyer at work) asked me if i wanted to go out with him and his friends tonight. i've barely seen him all week and today, i had basically given up and said to myself, "start getting over it now because it's never going to happen." and then, as i was leaving (one of the last of 3 to leave today), he was in his office on the phone but his door was open (for once). i stood there until he noticed me and then i waved goodbye. he quickly got off the phone and came to the door to say goodbye. it was weird. it was like because no one was around, he was more friendly and more willing to just stand and shoot the shit. he hugged me goodbye and then said, "hey, what are you doing tonight?" he sent me an e-mail about 20 minutes ago, saying that he had just left work (!!!) and that he was pretty sure that his plans were to play poker but he would see if he could change them so his friends would want to go out. i told him to let me know. perhaps it still isn't meant to be. but i live in hope :)

i always get what i want

a bit of a bold statement, considering that i've wanted lots of things in the past and have never gotten them. :)

i gave my notice yesterday. i was sort of forced to do it - i meant to have the "talk" with my boss today but yesterday, i walked into the office and she almost immediately said, "i think you should come to waterloo with me next week. there are some meetings i think you should sit in on, for future reference." i figured that right then and there was as good a time as any. i told her, "ok but there's something i need to talk to you about first." i have a feeling she knew what was coming up - i just don't think she knew it would be as immediate as it ended up being. she was very understanding and at the end of our talk, said, "i told you before that you need to do what's best for you. i know you're not happy working in this small environment and this new opportunity sounds like it's right for you. i'm very happy for you." aside from the fact that her body language told me otherwise, i think i believe her :)

and i'm still going to waterloo next week - for the whole week! now, it's going to be to clean off my plate and make sure i don't leave any loose ends.

and, she's asked me whether or not i'd be interested in doing some contract work for her - basically the stuff i was doing (sans the stupid PA crap, i hope!) with agreements and stuff but on my own time - and i can name my hourly rate, with no set commitment for the amount of time. i'm going to look into what paralegals that contract out normally charge and if there is anything else i need to do, besides figure out how to invoice.

and if that wasn't crazy enough, yesterday another lawyer friend of mine e-mailed me and said, "hey, we've got an opening for a PI litigation paralegal immediately - are you interested?" jobs are falling from the sky. i think, if anything, these two job offers in four days means that i really was meant to leave my current job. i'll miss everyone (for awhile anyway) but i won't miss being bored out of my tree or pissed off because i can't print or irritated because the big boss is in a bad mood.

the only downside? i got all the paperwork to get myself set up at the new office - holy crap! now i remember why i don't switch jobs all that often. too much administrative work. i think my first day might be spent filling out the remainder of the paperwork. yikes.

i'm thinking of taking the train into work everyday. i think i'll try it out for the first month and see how it goes.

go west, young man, go west!

sentimentality v. logic

i've been offered a job at a downtown law firm for more money and excellent long-term potential. and they want me now. they're willing to wait the two weeks i'm contractually obligated to give in order to leave my current job. so what's the problem?

i'm soft; a sucker; a spineless jellyfish. despite the fact that i don't feel anymore loyalty than is required to fulfill any confidentiality provisions of my contract towards the company, i still feel like i'm leaving them in the lurch. i'm going to miss everyone i work with, despite the fact that, on my bad days (which is more often than not), most of them drive me nuts. i like the idea of working for an up-and-coming, multi-national. i like the perks that go along with it. i like the fact that the agreements that i help draft are going before heads of other big companies for their signature - something i worked on! i hate that i'll be leaving my position before i ever imagined i would. that it feels like i'm giving up - throwing in the proverbial towel. i hate that i think that they'll think i'm unprofessional if i leave before my contract is up, despite the fact that lots of professionals jump ship in order to further their professional development. i hate that i know what i have to do but i don't want to do it because it would be easier (on the one hand) to just continue to be a throw rug for these people. i hate that i know i'm going to ask every single person that crosses my path what i should do, despite the fact that the right thing to do is blazingly obvious to me. i hate that i think this much!!!

it's not easy being green - my head hurts.

pain in the neck

i need a massage. instead of the usual dull ache that i have at the base of my neck and across my shoulders (which i can live with most days), i have sharp, shooting pains that make it difficult for me to keep my head up for extended periods of time and it's hard for me to get out of bed. and i'm not sleeping well because the pain wakes me up frequently in the middle of the night.

i thought about phoning one of those mobile massage therapists - you know, the ones that bring their tables and their sheets and oil to your house? there was just something wrong with that to me - a bit dirty, if you will. so, i suffered through it all day yesterday and now, i've got to suffer with it at least another few hours. i made an appointment with a massage therapist about five minutes from where i work for five o'clock. hopefully, no body will need me at that time. i have no one working with me today - my boss is in waterloo this week - and the general counsel will be away for the next few days. they've left me to my own devices, which is never a good thing.

anyway, i found "my" massage therapist through a sheer stroke of luck. i first met him on my lunchbreak when i worked at the courthouse. he was and is the best massage therapist i've ever had. no other massage therapist has left me with zero pain the next day. he's got amazing hands :) and the best part is, i don't like him in that way! he's just a great massage therapist! i had my appointment with him this afternoon and i'm back again on saturday. sure, he works in kerrisdale but i always said that if i found him again, i'd follow him wherever he went. and i don't mean that in a stalkerish kind of way, i swear!

PMS

"physical manifestations of stress", that is. i hung out with general counsel today. surprisingly, this was one of my best days at work. i had work that kept me busy all day, no one really bothered me and i left a little early, feeling quite good. i already know that monday will be a long day but KB said i could come in late to make up for it. she also said that she and nas had a little chat and suggested that we go out for dinner next week to talk about a couple of my "issues" that i have with work. she said that she had a couple of solutions or suggestions that might work for me. this stressed me out just hearing it come from her. what could she possibly offer me? my biggest problem is that i don't work with anyone. what can she do? either let me work in waterloo for the remainder of my contract or bring people out here to work with me. anyway, this got me thinking and when i went out this evening with my friend from my old work, i had my future on the brain.

we talked quite a bit about what i should do. in the end, she gave me no real advice, just that i shouldn't apply for law school at least until i've worked as a paralegal for a couple of years. i was more or less convinced that i should go back to my government job come december and then, who walks into the restaurant but my manager from my old job. she came over to say hi at the end of dinner and said to me, "your ears must've been burning today. we were talking about you and figuring out whether or not we should include you in the budget for next year. you should give me a call one of these days." we filled her in on our dinner conversation about what i should do and she immediately said, "go to law school." we laughed about that for awhile and then i asked her, seriously, what she thought i should do (because everyone knows i can't possibly make this decision by myself). she said, "if i were your age, i'd have the world at my feet." what does that mean?? she also suggested that i take a workshop at UBC that, at the end of it, basically tells you what you should be (for only $1500). if i had that kind of money kicking around, i would do it. but i'd be afraid of what it had to tell me. weird eh?

anyway, my "PMS" popped up surprisingly fast. you know the problem i've been having since i was in san fran last summer? that started up again without warning this evening. my jaw hurts from the clenched teeth. i'm sure i'll wake up with a face full of stress-zits. and i still have no idea what i'm going to do.

i am wavering between what i think will be good for me and the security of what i already have. as janet said, not everyone has the kind of job security i've been blessed with these past couple of years but it's also the one thing that's holding me back from doing something a little more daring - perhaps even holding me back from performing as well at my current job as i normally would. maybe that's why i hate it so much - because i know i can. if they fired me on monday, i would shrug, say "thanks for all the free stuff", and phone up my old work and tell them i'm coming back a couple months early. and they would have to put me somewhere. that's job security. but i know it is holding me back - i've gone over it in my head and, aside from the pension, there is nothing that i can get in government that i couldn't get in a job in private practice. the differences in medical benefits at my current job compared to my government ones are marginal, although government is still better. what am i so worried about?

so, i'm still waiting for someone to tell me what i should do. in the meantime, i'll have dinner with the big boss next week and then, if i like what she has to say (and we will need to talk $$), then i'll let judy know that i don't plan on returning in december. gawd, that's scary. but when do you stay on the well-lighted path and when do you veer off into the dark unknown?

stuff

my boss gave me two days off as a reward for working the hours i've been working - today and tomorrow. i worked today from 3:30 to about 6:30 on a project that needed to get finished. and i had to drive into town to do it, even though i could've easily done it from home (or from the beach, as it were). in any event, it appears as though i'll be able to have my full day off tomorrow, although i have some work things i have to do in preparation for going back to work on friday. oh well, at least i don't actually have to come in.

the wedding went well. we had lots of fun. we rented a speedboat on the sunday and went tubing (i'm still hurting). then, later on in the afternoon, we couldn't stand the heat so we went for a drift down the canal in our innertubes. it would've been fun had i been able to keep up with the group but for whatever reason, my tube refused to drift as fast as the others. instead, i made friends with three drunk young men who offered me "7up" and asked me if i wanted to float with them instead. luckily, they caught the current that everyone else seemed to be on and quickly drifted past me. the drive to and from penticton was surprisingly enjoyable. i had absolutely no traffic (i took the coquihalla this time - yes, i found it) so i was flying along the highway. at one point, i glanced down at my spedometer because i thought i was going about 110km - i was going about 140 and climbing so i slowed down. that freaked me out that i zoned out so much i didn't know how fast i was going. scary. and a stone wall hit my rear bumper. i still cringe everytime i look at it. what an idiot.

i went out for coffee (well, bubble tea, sans the bubbles for me) with one of my last remaining internet date guys. i really liked him. we got along really well over MSN - chatting and whatnot - but i'm not sure it translated in real time. i thought it went well and he said he had a good time (it was just tea and a walk through QE park - how very british!) but i'm somehow not convinced. i guess i'll know if he meant it if he phones me again. or at least gets in touch with me. sigh. i hate dating. :)

i get to phone and nag my favourite lawyer in waterloo tomorrow. he's so cute. he's also got chest pains and he's getting tested for a heart condition - at age 34! and, he went back to work to "finish off some stuff" before he went home. what a workaholic! if i was there, i would've taken care of him. i felt like saying that while he was on the phone with my boss (on speakerphone, of course). i actually had to cover my mouth at one point to stop myself from saying, "i'll take care of you!" oh well. wasn't meant to be - i'm not in waterloo, am i?