someone like you...but not you

i went out for coffee after work with my guy friend...basically the only guy friend i have left. we're coffee buddies. about once a month, we get in touch and spend an hour or so after work one night talking and catching up over a coffee, usually just at a coffee shop. then, we walk to the skytrain together, and chat on the way home - i change trains in new west and we say goodbye. he's since moved downtown so today, the purpose was to catch up and then see his new apartment.

background with my guy friend - we met online and basically had intentions to "date" casually but that got blown away when i met The Boy. for whatever reason, i chose The Boy over my friend. in any event, we decided to remain in touch and have become friends.

today, i met him at the lobby of his office building. he came down the elevator with a colleague, whom he introduced me to (he's a polite boy that way) and the we were off to his apartment. we can chatter non-stop when we get together. there's always something to talk about. checked out his apartment, snooped through his cupboards, walked in on him changing (hey, he left the door open and then said, "do you want to see her (meaning the girl he's dating) picture?" i assumed it was in the room he was in!), saw pictures of the girl he's "seeing" (now i know why he's seeing her...pinup girl), and then we started off for coffee. we ended up getting sushi to go and sat outside on the library steps for an impromptu picnic and people watched. then, we went inside the library and sat at one of the big windows and people watched some more, same view but inside. and we chattered non-stop. and not about superficial things. we talk about life and love and work and family, everything you could think of. then, he asked me if i wanted to grab a hot chocolate. i figured we were going to grab it to-go so he could walk me to the skytrain and not be cold. but we sat and talked some more. we were together for over three hours. it was like a date...a great date...one of the best ones i've been on in a long time; but it wasn't a date-date.

what i'm trying to say is -- why can't i find someone just like him, but not him? i really like him, don't get me wrong. we understand each other's sense of humour and i think we get along really well. he's attractive and smart and basically, a really nice guy, even though he claims to be a jerk. but at this point, even if he was still interested in dating me (which i don't think he is but then, i can't say that he isn't. i don't know. anyway.), i know way too much about his personal life now to really be comfortable with him as a partner. and perhaps vice-versa.

i'm always a little sad after i see him. whether it's because i enjoy myself so much that i hate to see it end or whether it's because i wish i could be with him (and i'm not sure that's it, exactly), i don't know. i'll be over it tomorrow, i'm sure. but for tonight, i'm a little blue.