subconscious

i think i am subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship. but, it can't be subconscious if i am conscious of it. i am so messed up.

i've been "distant" with him lately - his words, not mine. it's not advertent - i guess i've just been trying to keep busy. i resent the fact that he just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me - more specifically, any one-on-one time. he told me today that he wanted to see me this wednesday and then when i asked him whether i'd see him this weekend, he told me friday night. i was really hoping to spend the weekend with him - i have the apartment, after all. but he doesn't seem to think along those lines. he cares more about how big the TV is in the apartment than the fact that we'll be alone. he won't watch here because the TV isn't big enough but he suggested that we go to my house to watch. huh? i know how important the playoffs are to him and i am perfectly happy watching the games with him. but he seems to be avoiding being alone with me. and avoiding introducing me to his friends. avoiding any real placement in his everyday life in general, actually.

i am beginning to think that, while he obviously does like me, he's just not as attracted to me as he'd like to think he is. seriously, i could walk around topless and he would tell me to put a shirt on. should i be flattered that he doesn't see me as just a sexual object? or should i be insulted? is it because he's older so his sex drive isn't as high? i don't understand.

and he had the nerve to say to me today that i always have issues about something when i got really pouty about not being able to see him this weekend. EXCUSE ME???