eve of the eve

i'm feeling pensive and reflective. i can't believe it's almost the end of the year. i see it on the calendar and i know it in my head, but it just doesn't feel like a year has gone by.

i'm starting to see a trend. every year for the past few years, Christmas has seemed like less of a "thing" and new years has been less monumental. my birthday has become less and less important, and i sometimes feel like i make a big deal about it because i'm supposed to. actually, if i remember correctly, i feel that way up to the day, and then the day of, i'm like a kid again. okay, so birthday is not included.

i don't know what it is. Christmas came and went. i love Christmas. i bought three gifts this year. i should have bought more gifts for more people because maybe it would've felt like the giving season again. i did participate in a couple of charity gift things, so that was part of it. we had a white Christmas, the first in about 10 years, and it still didn't feel like Christmas (maybe because our Christmases are normally green).

and new years eve is tomorrow. where did that come from? i've had my new years plans booked for about a month or so now, so i knew what i was going to do, but i almost just want to stay at home in my pyjamas. not unlike every other night this week. sad.

is it because i'm getting older or is it because i've become jaded? i don't want to think it's either. it can't be because i'm older. it's not an age thing with me. and being jaded just isn't an option. despite all of the crap that's gone on in my family the past three years, compared to other people i have an ideal family life. compared to. isn't that what it's all about?

life is about comparisons, whether you like it or not. i don't like it. my favorite quote is, "our greatest unhappiness comes when we compare ourselves to others." i don't know who the quote is attributed to, but it's always been one that hits home with me. whenever i am feeling particularly jealous or slighted or inferior or superior, i think about this quote because it is so true. i am never unhappy with my life until i start looking at other peoples' lives and wondering how they came about it. how can she afford to live that lifestyle? how is he so bright and clever?

it's not that i can't talk myself out of being envious and just come to terms with what i have. i've managed to make my peace with my body image and my decision not to go to law school. okay, so that's two things out of many. but i did it! so why can't i let go of other things? why do i make myself a prisoner to my thoughts, my wants? captive in my own head and by my own volition? there is a masochistic part of me that i can only deal with part of the time. sporadically.

why is it so hard to let go?

hack

my eyes are itchy. i've been with cold since Christmas Eve. it's gotten much better - i no longer sound like Barry White with bronchitis, but i still have the sore eyes and sniffly nose. i'm tired of drinking juice and hacking myself awake in the middle of the night. but if i only have to suffer like this once a year, then so be it.

i'm so bored.

2

she pooed today too. i'm definitely not getting a dog. not unless i have a backyard and a doggie door.

i can't say i miss her, but she was kind of nice to have around.

fawning

so when i saw him today, he said, "where were you? i thought you were going to come out after and meet us at Stella's?" i told him that i wanted to, but i didn't want to lug my stuff around. he said, "you could've put your bag in my car. that's what everyone else did." i said, "you had your car??? you didn't tell me that?" and so it went on. it ended with him saying, "i was disappointed you didn't join us." they ended up at Havana's and he said it was really nice. not busy, but a good vibe. i really wish i had gone. i let stupid little things hold me back from doing things i want to do. honestly, my bag? i didn't want to tote my bag around? apparently their group broke up the same time i headed home, so i guess i didn't miss too much.

he caught on that the two yunguns of the office were hanging off him and he told me he was counting on me to help him shake them. i told him we needed a signal, like in baseball. then we did a bunch of stupid, made-up signals and laughed. i enjoy being his friend.

the Ninja took me for my Christmas lunch today at Saltlick. MMMMM, i had The Best sandwich there. it was the daily special (i chose it over the clubhouse because our server said they only had it every now and then): shaved prime rib sandwich au jus, and skinny french fries. i could've done without the fries - yam fries have spoiled me for life. but the sandwich was so amazingly good, i only ate half of it (even though I was still hungry), just so i could have it for lunch tomorrow. so, so good. did i mention it was good?

Mon confessed to me that she bought 7 pairs of boots at Browns on the weekend. SEVEN! all Stuart Weitzman, all 70% off. so each pair was only about $200. i thought I had a problem. but it got me thinking that i need to swing by Browns on the way home tomorrow. oh wait, i still have the dog tomorrow afternoon. she peed on the carpet. i knew she would but i was hoping that she could hold out until i got home. 12 hours isn't too much to ask to hold a pee, is it? at least she waited until i took her out for her second Second of the day. she's lying beside me on the floor right now, snoring away. i should take her out for one last pee before i go to bed.

i should not get a dog.

midnight confessions

i find it interesting, in a psychanalytic way, that i can't admit a crush i have on someone, even to myself. is that weird? is that untruthful? does it mean more than i think it means? i admitted my crush to Nige a while back, but have not mentioned it to him since. he told me immediately that i should create some space. even he knows it won't end up well.

i can't even bring myself to admit it now. we had our office christmas party tonight. i was inwardly miffed that my crush didn't sit with me, but instead sat with The Student (NB - i should change her name. she's a lawyer now!). he only managed to come up to me when i moved to another table and was chatting with other people and taking pictures. i managed to take a couple of him and then (because I was sitting on a chair and he was standing behind me), i said, "come down here, i want to take a picture." so he put his arm around my neck and gave me a good squeeze and i took the picture. we both look drunk; everyone else says it's a good picture.

i feel guilty looking at the picture, you know? mooning over it, like he was someone that i could be with. he and The Student took off early and went to Stella's. he beckoned me to come with them and i was going to go, but i had that sneaking suspicion that nothing good would come of it.

i don't drink, but i tend to take advantage of the fact that other people do. especially on a night like tonight, when guards are down and people are a lot more relaxed. i know in my heart i would have tried something and i have a feeling that he wouldn't have been opposed to even a small advance.

ugh, i feel guilty just admitting it. ugh. UGH. don't get me wrong - i am not after him. he's married, with a 2 year old and twins on the way. i don't need to involve myself with that kind of drama. but it's slightly beyond crush, you know? ugh. UGH.

i just shivered. what is wrong with me???

snow

it's snowing. the first snow of the season. i had to drive home in but it wasn't so bad.

the General's 50th surprise party was tonight. it was fun. the Ninja was there sans Pop Tart, which is a good sign. maybe he actually is smart enough not to bring her to social gatherings that involve important people (i.e. his work colleagues and partners). she's an embarassment. i've never even met the girl, but i know this.

the General's wife came up to us and chatted for a bit. i guess she had gone up to Nicbal, who has fairly recently become the General's assistant, and said, "dear, who are you?" when Nicbal told her she said, "i thought you were a party crasher!" Nicbal then brought her to our group where she introduced everyone. when Mrs. General got to me, she shook my hand, recognized that we had met briefly at the office, repeated my name three or four times and said, "you're the only name he's brought home. i don't know the names of anyone else. except KSpazz. which one is she?" i was so tempted to ask her why he mentioned KSpazz, but i resisted. Mrs. General then went on to give us her condolences for having to work with the General. i thought that was funny.

all in all, an early night. i left at 10, but only because the snow looked like it was starting to get heavy and i didn't want to drive in it when it got bad. the Ninja must've been more drunk than i thought because he gave me a hug goodbye, which he never does.

i need a GPS unit, but apparently only when i drive in Richmond. that place, i don't even get. except that all roads lead to the airport.

celery

i'm obsessing again. i'm going backwards. i don't go backwards. but this guy was a good catch. we just didn't ... i don' t know. actually, i do know. i was stupid enough to give him the address to my previous blog. and then he read it and thought i was a headcase. in comparison to others, i don't think i'm much of a headcase, if at all. but he thought i was. had i not given him access to the blog, perhaps we would've lasted a little longer.

it turns out, we have mutual friends, although not in the facebook sort of way (and yes, he is on facebook. profile is locked, damn it!). i happened to mention his name to BrendaLou the other day (because she is a WV Girl) and she knows his sister. and she knows him. and his mother was just at her mother's house, buying some Christmas ornaments for her students. i'm hoping that BrendaLou takes it upon herself to re-connect us, but i don't think she will. i could send him a FB message, but that would be a bit much after three years, don't you think?

headcase indeed.

p.s. not that i'm obsessing about it, but first thing this morning when i stepped on the scale (after my morning pee, before my morning water or breakfast, without breathing and without moving too much to aggravate the position of the scale's needle), i was down almost 20 lbs. WTF.

truth and consequences

had coffee with MGF tonight. i still find my feelings for him, such that they are, difficult to define. on the one hand, i wish in a way that it was me he was marrying in july. on the other hand, i know i would never be able to trust him fully when it came to fidelity so why even belabour any regrets?

but i do, in a way, regret not "choosing" him when i had that option and i told him so last year. but in no way do i regret my relationship (such that it was!) with Mike. he taught me a very important lesson that i really needed to learn: that drama is not a requirement or a desire in any of my relationships. particularly over-drama. had i chosen MGF over Mike, i would not have learned that very important lesson that Mike inadvertently taught me. and who's to say that MGF and i would have worked out anyway?

i suppose the twisting i feel in my chest when i meet with MGF for our quarterly coffee dates is similar to the one i get when i think about the Ex and his getting married. i want to feel bad and feel hurt and feel cheated, but i don't. there is still a small part of me that wants to be the victim of "the one that got away", but the other, more sensible and mature part of me squashes that feeling. gives me a mental slap upside the head, so to speak.

i still have a lot to learn.

back to green

i spent the week eating chinese food, cinnamon buns, croissants and pizza, the latter being from work. i feel gross. i'm back to salads, except for the chocolate cravings i've been having. is it bad that i'm still eating chocolate, even though it doesn't taste good to me anymore? goes to show how deeply rooted my sweet tooth actually is.

my PMS really affects the way i perceive me and work. i know it's only a few days a month that i have to suffer through it (the PMS, i mean), but when my feelings about my job are magnified like that, it makes me wonder. but then i realized, i shouldn't wonder.

everyone is in the same position as me. i think at least half of people who are working are doing work that is not what they were trained to do or not challenging to them. but they do it because they're getting paid. i get paid well to do what i do, as i've always said (when i'm not on my high horse). i did the paralegal program so i could continue with the type of work i did at Crown, but get paid more. and now i am. i've determined a little substantive knowledge is a bad thing when put into the wrong head.

and we've also already determined that enough is never enough for me. if i were to go to law school, i would still face my challenges of not having complete autonomy and having people above me. once i became a lawyer, i'd just be an associate, not a partner. if i became partner, i'd want to be a judge. and even if i were a judge, my on-the-job actions would still be bound by the laws that govern. there is no real freedom in the corporate word. you are always accountable to someone. not that i don't want to be. but sometimes i do.

i shall challenge myself with other things - further courses, crosswords, languages...but not men. :)

did i mention i met the guy from the mixer a few weeks ago, Moe, for coffee last week? it was okay. i was tired and not feeling at all social so it was brief. i was feeling kind of bad about it. after all, the guy is in a new city and he doesn't know anyone here. his only family is in ottawa and it's just his sister. he's alone and he's just trying to make a friend and here i am, automatically assuming he wants to date me. i vowed that if he asked me to do something again that i would do it. well, he e-mailed me today and said he met a guy who was going to teach him salsa dancing in exchange for him teaching the salsa teacher how to do web design. i guess i'm going to learn how to salsa dance because he asked me if i wanted to go with him. i thought it sounded fun. will keep you posted.

hello, random.

trip

i miss my iPod. i have to endure over-hearing some of the most inane conversations on the skytrain. yesterday, i was on my way home and marking final exams. this group of hoodlums got on the train about two stops after i did and immediately continued their overly-loud, attention-getting conversation that had obviously started prior to boarding the train. i tried very hard to ignore it. but once i was finished my marking and then finished my crossword, i had no choice but to tune in and out of it. the gist? they were on their way to surrey to hang out in a park and get high. the loudest guy said, "i'm so excited!" this girl beside him said, "why? you aren't even high yet." and he said, "yeah, but we're going to be!"

really? Really. i seriously lost five IQ points just allowing myself to take that one exchange in.

my shoulders are killing me. i am going to buy some sort of posture-support brace because i just can't hold my shoulders back and sit straight like i should. i've maxed out on massage and physio visits covered under my extended for this year so i'm biding my time until january. maybe i should check out acupuncture as it is covered separately under medical.

my dad informed me that he's not buying us Christmas gifts this year. he's not expecting them either, but he ain't buying them for us for sure. i suppose i shouldn't expect a gift but that just means one less thing to open on Christmas day. i suppose he'll make us a nice Christmas dinner which will be nice (or will we end up at sharon's?) but i suppose the magic of Christmas that only kids really fully enjoy is now lost to me too.

i'm feeling particularly anti-social these days. i have a date with one of the guys i met at the mixer last month and i really don't want to go. i'm of two minds about the whole thing: 1) i should go out with him because i don't really know him and who knows? he might be a good friend; or 2) if the tables were turned, i wouldn't want to be going out with someone if i was really looking forward to seeing them but they were feeling either lukewarm or downright cold about seeing me, but were forcing themselves to see me because "who knows". i encourage Doc Tardy to explore her options, yet i am not that willing to explore mine. i don't find this guy particularly interesting but... who knows?

i know. maybe that's a bad attitude. i'm going to bed. i had a bad sleep last night and was a bear this morning.

greener

i don't know why i'm always looking, regardless of what it is. i'm always looking for a better pair of pants or a better face cream or a better looking guy to crush on. i always seem to be looking for a better job that pays better money and where the people respect your work and treat you as an equal.

i always want to learn something new instead of improving, and perfecting, what i already know. i'm always looking at going back to school and always looking at what different courses i can take, or how far i can go with another degree.

it's like i'm never 100% happy with what i have, even though what i have is generally pretty good. my work, while it can get very boring, can be pretty interesting when things heat up. for the most part, the people i work with respect me and my opinion and treat me pretty well. i have a pretty good education and earn a pretty good living (knock on wood).

i wrote to Nige the other day in answer to his question about whether i thought i wanted to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with and whether i thought i would. in my answer, i said to him, "i am most unhappy with my life when i compare what i have and what i have done with other people." it's true - if you compare yourself with what your friends have, you're bound to find someone who is much better off than you. you're also bound to find someone who is not as well off as you.

i think if i could stay on track and just focus on what i have and how i can make myself better, i would obsess less about keeping up with the rest of the world, even though i don't think that's what i'm doing. but i am. and it's driving me crazy.

maybe now that i now practice (for the most part) "No More Drama", it is no longer required as my mantra and i can use something else. How about:

Focus.......

draft of something

i've been skulking on a speed-dating website for some time now. i routinely receive their newsletters and i'll log on every now and then to look at the pictures of all the pretty singles having fun and meeting people. every once in awhile, it sparks something in me. nothing big enough to light the proverbial fire under my tush that would cause me to sign up for one of the events, but it sparks something nonetheless.

the other day, i opened my e-mail to find another newsletter from them. i wasn't in the mood to read up on what other people were getting up to, but i read it over quickly and found that it wasn't just any event notice - it was a FREE event notice.

not being someone who can resist anything free, much less something that i'm curious about, i clicked on the link and found that their speed dating event, taking place the very next night, had two spots available for women and those spots would be free to whomever responded first. i quickly e-mailed them and reserved the two spots for my girlfriend and i. she wasn't able to join me, but i decided i was going to go anyway.

the event was scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m. i arrived at about 7:20 p.m. and as i walked up to the door of the cafe it was being held at, i noticed that there was no one else there. i opened the doors, and there were two other women standing there. i smiled and said hello and commented about the lack of people at such a late hour. we ended up sitting together while waiting for the rest of the event-goers to show up.

as we sat and chatted (it was their first time speed-dating as well), men started to show up. lots and lots of men. they joined us at our table and we all started talking. it felt "against the rules" to be chatting up people you'd be soon learning about in the process anyway, but i thought i could warm up my "A" game before anything really started.

the concept is simple: in our case, there were two rows of eight tables. on the inside of the rows sat the women and the men rotated from table to table on the outside. we were all given cards with a list of the opposite sex's names - if I liked someone, i'd put a checkmark next to their name. if he liked me in return, he would check my name. we had five minutes per person to chat. let the games begin.

the first guy that sat with me worked in computers. when he talked, he wouldn't look directly at me but rather, would gaze just past me. if i was talking, he'd try to make eye contact. but the minute he started saying something, he would look off into the distance. no checkmark there.

the next guy was really nice - he loved the beach and hot weather and did jive dancing as a hobby. and he worked with computers.

a couple of guys later, i re-met one of the men that sat down with me and the other two girls at the beginning of the night. because we had already met, he started off by taking my hand, putting three different coins into my palm and asking me what he deemed a "skill-testing question" to see if i was more than just a pretty face. i passed. i had heard the riddle before (many times, the first time being on an episode of "The Brady Bunch"), so I ended up impressing him with my brain as well. it bothered me, slightly, that all he talked about was where he was going to take me for our first date. presumption is not exactly attractive in those kinds of situations.

another guy immediately launched into how embarrassed he was to be there and how he would never own up to having attended speed dating if asked. then he started talking about how his last relationship had just ended a couple of months prior. note to the brokenhearted out there: don't go to speed dating for therapy. five minutes is not enough time.

there was one guy who sat down and i immediately felt the chemistry as i gazed across the table at him. he didn't have much to say, but he said enough with his eyes. i made a mental note to check off his name when the time came. it did not bother me that he worked with computers.

the guy after that one was pleasant enough, but when the gong sounded, he immediately opened his card in front of me, made a very obvious motion of checking off my name, and then smiled and moved on to the next table. i was stymied. but i didn't do the same for him. the fact that he worked with computers probably didn't help.

and finally, the guy i had been eyeing since he had sat down beside me at the beginning of the night was sitting in front of me. he was a mixture of cute but geeky and smart but a bit shy. his family background was similar to mine (in that he actually spent a lot of time with his family) and he seemed like he was geniunely interested in what i had to say. he started off his career as an engineer (he's smart!) but was now teaching math and science at a high school (he cares!). his background was chinese and italian (he speaks fluent italian but doesn't look like he should!) did i mention he did not work with computers?

when the final gong rang and we all had a chance to review the list of names, i played it cautious and only checked off two names: the guy with the chemistry and the guy with a future.

i left the event feeling very positive and light-hearted. it was a lot of fun; more fun than i've ever had on my own with a room full of strangers.

i tried not to check my e-mail constantly for the next two days but i must say that when i received the matches e-mail two days later, i was excited. however, i had only matched with Mr. Chemistry. i guess Mr. Future did not feel the same about me as i did about him!

for a minute after realizing Mr. Future had not selected me, i felt a bit like one of the women at the rose ceremony on "The Bachelor". i thought we really had a connection. i thought we would've been great together. i thought i saw a future with him. but not to be. sob, sob, sob. ahem.

Mr. Chemistry contacted me immediately. we set up a coffee date for that weekend.

we met up and it was awkward. we chatted for awhile and it was awkward. i decided pretty early on in the meeting that this guy was not it. about an hour after we met up, i delivered my usual, date-ending line, "so, what are your plans for the rest of today?" and he shifted uncomfortably, smiled sheepishly and said, "well...uh...i'm going to meet another one of the girls i met at speed dating the other night." i tried not to laugh or show any reaction on my face. i merely said, "that's great!" when he walked me to the train and we parted ways, i wished him a good evening and good luck with the other girl.

back to the drawing board!

pattern

i was snarly today. i hated everything and every one. everything was stupid. everyone was a moron. at about 10 am, i said to myself, "Self, what is wrong with you??" and then i realized - i'm PMSing.

i forgot about my mood journal about mid-way through October so i will have to start again so i can see the pattern. but i think this pattern, the snarly-i-hate-everything pattern is firmly established. i feel ridiculous being so grumpy and miserable, but it's very hard to control. i figure i'm doing well because i'm not snapping at people or getting angry for no reason - all i do i stay quiet and stew in my own thoughts but apparently, that makes people edgy too. what, am i supposed be Little Miss Sunshine all the freaking time??? would they rather me ignore them or get angry at every stupid thing that makes me GRRR? i think i'd rather be ignored for the day and then be treated normally the next day, wouldn't you?

i wonder if the Rx needs to be changed up again. although, i'm not crying at random things so that's a plus. snarly-me is just really hard to deal with, even just for myself.

GRRRRRR. Rowr.

busy much?

i've been to three singles events in four days. i'm tired.

but i did get inspired to write about them. i wish i had approached saturday's event as research rather than social, because i think i could've gotten a good story out of it. actually, friday's cooking event would have been better as a story. maybe i can salvage something.

i met a seer at saturday's event. he made a generalization of me based on my birthdate and he was pretty accurate. he said he gives readings but he doesn't charge because it's a gift. it sounds like he's the real deal. he's also a career coach, which i think is funny, and yet somehow apt. he told me i should be working in sales or client relations because he felt i really enjoyed the meeting people aspect of work. i don't know about sales, but i would like to work in a job where i managed files and clients. maybe he's on to something.

i also met a guy named Moe. i don't know.

mangia!

now that i'm down to an acceptable size, clothing-wise, i find myself eating huge meals, even though they don't really taste the way they should. i don't eat often, but when i do, i go big. well, just on the weekends.

i ate the last of my turkey from thanksgiving dinner last sunday. i made a turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread and made some yam fries and had a chipotle mayo dip on the side. oh, so goooooood. i even treated myself to a 100 calorie 7up and now, i'm stuuuuuuuffed. fricken, eh.

i need to start exercising again. i always said that once i took the excess weight/size off, i would start into the regular exercising again. i have not done so. not yet. but i will. soon.

i'm so full, i can't really see straight. things are starting to get a little swimmy.

ah, i do love food.

civic duty

it was voting day today. i decided to take advantage of the beautiful evening and walk to the voting station, which was about 1.5 kms (uphill!). i joked to myself, "maybe i'll bump into my hot neighbour!" yes, with the hundreds of other people there and a 12 hour window from when the voting stations opened to the 7pm closing time, of course i would bump into him. of course!

as i walked up to the table where i would get my ballot, who did i see dropping off their ballot into the box? my hot neighbour. we made eye contact, and then he quickly looked away and left.

i have hope!!!

mind over matter

well, the ENT said she couldn't find anything wrong with me either, but she's sending me for a CT scan to see if everything is kosher with the sinus cavities and such.

i am really beginning to believe that it is my brain that is instigating all of this. let's face it - the brain is a very powerful instrument. maybe it finally snapped and said, "that's it - i'm tired of you waffling on losing the weight when you so obviously need to. i'm tweaking the taste buds until you can do it on your own." judging by the potato chips and chocolate i forced down for a mid-afternoon snack, i'm not getting it yet.

i think i'm going to pop down to IGA and see if they have any salad. it's at least a couple of hours until thanksgiving dinner and i've only had four pieces of toast and two eggs (and the aforementioned chips and chocolate) to eat today. i'm starving!!!

sentimental reasons

my sentimentality often keeps me from growing and advancing, both personally and professionally. i've known that for a long time, but it's never occurred to me how much it's affected me until now.

i've been looking at job postings again, but this time it's not because i'm unhappy or frustrated. i'm wondering what else is out there and what i could be doing instead of what i'm doing now. it's not that i think i've done it all in my current job - but i can see the future and it's a lot more of the same.

what's the problem? i like my lawyers. i like the setup we have, for the most part. i like the size of the firm and that everyone knows everyone else's name. they pay me well enough for the job i do. it's a great bunch of people to work with.

but i have that itch - what's yonder, over the rainbow? and you know me, i don't move backwards, so once i leave, i'm gone for good.

aaaaahhh!

snarly

i was feeling particularly snarly today. everything annoyed me. everyone bothered me. i hated every task i had to do today. i hated everyone i had to deal with today. then, Sam emailed me and asked me if i wanted to go for a walk so i said sure. i shared how i was feeling and she immediately said, "where are you in your cycle?" DING! i'm PMS'ing.

i should really start keeping a mood journal again, but it does make me wonder: when do you give up on what you have? i love my job but some of the people i have to deal with PISS ME OFF!!!!!

granted, one person is getting booted to a new job on monday and partly because of my whining. and let's face it, if A is still employed with us next year at this time, i'll be shocked. so once she's canned, my work life is back to good. maybe i shouldn't mess with it.

maybe i shouldn't.

headache

when i have a hunger-induced migraine, it invariably comes hand-in-hand with a bloated tummy and a constant hunger pang, even when i've eaten more than i could possibly imagine.

and yet, at least once every couple of months, i do this to myself. i suffer the whole day with a headache, with which the pain level varies, and at the end of the day decide that i must never do this again.

but i always do. and i think i learn from my mistakes!

channelling

you know how i said i needed a distraction? i found one.

i just read in a newspaper today that my future-boyfriend, Dwayne "No Longer the Rock" Johnson is now in town to shoot a movie and he was seen working out at the Steve Nash gym just the other day, not five blocks from my work.

i think it's time to put on a pretty dress and stalk....i mean, try to meet him. see, he's getting ready to meet me in this picture. yes, okay, that was stupid.

but i have purpose again!

(well, i do have purpose and that purpose's class starts in two weeks! aaaarrgh!)

next!

the neurologist was just as puzzled as everyone else. he offered an MRI but also said, "i'd be deeply surprised if we found anything" (read: let's not waste the money on something we know isn't there). he is going to refer me to an ears, nose and throat specialist. that actually makes more sense. keep you posted

on a redundant note, i think i am a compulsive shopper (don't snort at me). i mean, not in the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" sense, but i do have an addiction. i bought decorations for Hallowe'en and fall yesterday at Michael's and at HomeSense. I'm returning half of it this week. I was on the shopaholics anonymous website, and found this helpful checklist. it doesn't have a description, but i think i am a "bulimic shopaholic". i love to buy stuff and then return it because just the sheer act of buying it makes me feel good. actually owning the thing is of no great importance in 95% of my purchases, but buying it is a must.

i like to think that mentally, i'm quite healthy, but it's quite obvious i'm not. the fact that i have a need and desire to obsess about something...anything, really... cannot be considered healthy. so, if i focus my energy on something other than shopping, then the credit card bill will lessen. but everything else i like to obsess about (men, mainly) leads me to unhappiness and self-doubt. shopping at least makes me feel good. that addiction feeds me and clothes me and makes me smell good (i think). but obsessing about men or my weight/health or career/education has never led me to happy places. i end up feeling very unsatisfied about love or physical being or education. i think all of that has sunk me into deeper depressions than shopping too much ever did. the money aspect does sneak its way in, true, but it's never about what i buy or whether i need it vs. want it. it's always about control.

perhaps that's why i like to control other aspects of my life. what happens at work, for example. complaining about my co-workers and their poor work ethic is one thing but if it's solely because i am trying to control them, that's another thing entirely. i don't want that. i don't want to control them or be the boss of them. but i do like things to run smoothly. so maybe that's it. or maybe it's not.

my rhetorical question, therefore, is what?

harp on

i think she's an ego-maniac, but that Oprah sure attracts great people. i found this article on her website tonight, and i think i am selling myself short. her basic advice to the "stymied" woman was to just create. don't think about whether it's good or not. don't think about whether what you create is going to bring you success. as Nike so wisely advised, "just do it!"

the only problem now is - which thing to do? i have a couple of ideas in my head about what i want to do, but the problem is i don't know how to go about doing them, while at the same time paying my bills and living a decent life. ah, that's just my Clever Critic talking. but that Critic sure makes sense....

still can't taste properly. neurologist appointment on wednesday. he'll tell me it's not neurological. and then, i will accept my fate, without any further medical intervention. holistic is next :)

my iPod is dead. i mean, it might come back to life just like it did a couple of times before, but i think this time, it's on it's final leg. or earbud. or something. it's not working, that's for sure. will have to read on the skytrain from now until the budget allows for a new one to be purchased.

so, i signed up for a cooking class in October. specifically, the one called, "Cook! and the City". yes, it's a singles cooking class. i know, totally unlike me right? no, what's unlike me is spending $125.00 on a single-night activity. oy. but, it sounded like fun. three girlfriends have expressed their interest. i e-mailed them all and let them know i signed up for it. i bet you that none of them will end up signing up. it's typical - i suggest an activity and everyone is on board, except if we all have to get ourselves individually motivated to do it. then there's no way. and there was no way ... that i was putting their registration fees on my card. i love them, but i don't need an extra $375 on my MC, you know what i'm saying? (oh, but the airmiles).

oh, that martha beck - she knows what she's talking about. yes, she's affiliated with Harpo but if i could have her as my personal life coach, i would totally do it. she is so wise.

and once again, i've spent my evening NOT preparing my lessons for the 29th. oy.

lazy

i'm supposed to be prepping for my classes. instead, i'm playing the Sims. i knew it was a bad idea to load it onto my computer!

a few more days until i'm in san fran. honestly, i just want to hang out, see a couple of sights, and relax. and maybe work on my "meeting people" skills. hard to do with two otherwise taken friends!

i had a gigantic bowl of fruit for dinner. i cut up some peaches, strawberries, and tossed in some raspberries and blueberries. it was so delish. but then i got hungry (it's mostly water, you know) so i had two slices of garlic bread. i've been practically living on garlic bread lately. and fruit. what a combo.

i believe it's going to rain tonight and for the next two days. too bad i have to go to work.

sing-a-long mamma mia is out on friday. i don't know how long it's being released for. if it's only for the week, then i'd better see it on friday. if not, maybe next week while i'm in SF. or, when i get back.

after seeing my doctor again today, i believe it is neither diabetes nor a neurological problem that is causing my taste issues. i have a feeling it's permanent. but as long as it's not Parkinson's or MS or Alzheimer's or any other neurodegenerative disease, then i think i'm okay with that.

i wonder if it has to do with my stainless steel water bottle. if so, the Mother is so going to hear from me!

the weirdest part is that sometimes, i can't tell if i'm hungry or not. i'll feel hungry, but then i see food and i'm not hungry anymore. maybe it's a Pavlovian response - i know the food isn't going to taste right so i'd rather no eat it. funny how that works.

i had a great idea for a new story and i started writing it. and now i've stalled again. oh, the challenges of being a writer.

i managed to stop myself from buying a book today. it was very tempting, and i was walking around the store with it in my hand, but once i neared the cashier, i turned around and put it back on the shelf. sometimes, i can guilt myself into being sensible. sometimes.

you know what's the worst part about not being able to taste things properly? yes, it's the not being able to taste things properly but it's also the frustration-aspect. for 32 years, i've eaten what i've eaten and it's always tasted the same. and then one day, i wake up and it's not the same. do you know how frustrating that is? my favorite hamburger at mcdonald's is no longer deliciously bad - it's just bad! i love spaghetti bolognese, which is a tomato-based sauce and now, it just tastes like something sweet that's been sitting in the sun for too long. ketchup - why bother? whole wheat bread doesn't taste like anything. and don't even talk to me about chocolate, cake and doughnuts because that will just make me cry.

it's like if one day, you woke up and the sky was yellow but everyone was telling you that it was still blue. after awhile, you give up trying to fight it and just accept your reality for what it is.

a few months ago, i decided my mantra would be "i want to be thin". apparently, i just had to be more specific on how i would get there! "be careful what you wish for" has never been more true for me than now.

crave

i love to shop. i love to spend money. i get a thrill out of having new things. even if it's just a new pair of socks or a fresh tube of toothpaste, i want it. it's my addiction. it's controllable when i stay out of the mall and stay focused on other things. but i had to go see my eye doctor today and it was at metropolis. and there were back to school/end of summer sales everywhere. and i had 15 minutes to kill. and i almost bought this , in red. but i resisted. it was really hard because this style of handbag is one i've been wanting for a very long time. i rationlized that i did not need a new purse. i reminded myself that i'm trying to pay off my existing debt so i can find out what it's like to actually live on my salary (instead of just paying off debt and living off the bare minimum). but i modeled it in the mirror. and i smelled the leather. and it was so hard to walk away when it was the only red one left. soooooooooooooooo hard.

then i walked by ronsons and they were having a sandals sale. i found these, which I already have in red:

i love my red pair. i could run in them. in fact, had i know how much i had loved them, i would've bought them in other colors at the shoe sale. but i didn't. and then i found them at the mall today, at warehouse sale prices. but i resisted. it was hard.

but then i walked by tristan and they had an additional 50% off on their summer staples. so i bought three shirts for $24. will i wear them? most definitely. did i need them? nope. but i did it anyway. and yet i know it wasn't right because when i walked out of the store, i didn't feel good. it didn't feel right.


i hate it when i do this to myself.

sticky

and not in a good way. it's been stinking hot and grossly humid the past couple of days. really only yesterday but that made it feel like it had been weeks and weeks. it did rain this morning (with an accompanying thundershower....[shiver]) but i could've danced in that rain. it made the air so refreshing. now, it's just humid again. but the sun's out.

the Ninja and i (with Mon in tow) went for drinks the other night after work. i should've known something was up because instead of just coming to my desk to invite me out (where Mon would've heard and invited herself), he sent me an e-mail. but, i don't like being one on one with him, just because of the uncomfortable silences filled (from my end anyway) with stuff i want to say and questions i want to ask but avenues i just don't want to go down on my own, you know? anyway, it turns out he wanted to bounce some ideas off me and tell me things that were going on in his life (in his own way, of course). i regretted dragging Mon into it because without her, i would've delved into more in-depth information. like, how are the kids handling the breakup and how is he doing? what is he doing with a 24-year old chippy? etc, etc. i wish he would just say, "hey, i have some ideas i want to run by you. do you want to get a drink after work?" how hard is that? hard, i know.

and on that note, and i am not quite sure how i'm going to do this, but i've decided to stop getting so invested in what happens in other people's lives. Mon is dating this new guy she met in Whistler (he's come down from Whistler to meet her for lunch, then hung around so he could take her to dinner too). he sends her texts and cute e-mails. i get a good feeling about him - this could be the guy for her! so i've been telling her she needs to get rid of her current live-in. nagging, more like it. i mean, really, if the tables were turned and it was her that was making all this effort, would she like to learn after a month that this fabulous guy she's been pursuing has a sort-of ex-girlfriend who is also his financially-convenient "roommate" who still shares his bed and for all intents and present-day purposes is his girlfriend? she'd flip out and have a melt-down. and yet, she doesn't see that this is what she's doing to him? i hope she tells him soon. and i hope his laid-back Aussie personality takes over when she tells him because it's not going to be pretty otherwise.

and then there's Doc Tardy. she has this (by her description) hot, young guy after her (in serious pursuit) and she's dismissing him before even spending any time with him because she thinks he's younger than her and therefore too young for her. i have told her numerous times to just give the guy a chance and she always says, "you're right, you're right" and then the next time i talk to her, she's talking about blowing off the next rescheduled coffee date because "he's too young." she claimed his text messages were so immature and that's why she thinks he's too young. yesterday, she read one of the exchanges to me and what did she think was immature? he wrote her after seeing her briefly one day and said, "you looked so beautiful when i saw you today." wow, so immature eh? tell him to start sending them to me - at least i'd appreciate it!

yes, okay, i get it - she's not used to getting those kinds of compliments, but do you think it's going to get any better as she gets older? if she keeps pushing these guys away that are chasing her , she'll just continue to chase guys who have no real interest in her. and then her frustrations will continue and she will continue to think that there are no men out there to date when really, she's rejected all of the ones that were viable candidates because they were too young...or too old...or weren't in the right job...or not Italian enough...or too Italian...or who worked too much...or didn't work enough....or was too silly....or too serious. the list goes on.

and then there's my cousin's girlfriend. we were all at a family gathering the other day, talking wedding plans for Kitch's wedding. and when we were all gushing over Kitch's engagement ring and then talking about centrepieces and wedding colors and venues... i don't know for sure, but i was definitely getting a "why isn't that me?' vibe from the look on MCG's face. i feel for her, i really do, and i hope it works out for them sooner rather than later, but how much more can you feel for someone who has voluntarily returned to the same the same situation she was in, with no improvements or advancements to my knowledge, not once but twice? she has set the precedent for how things will naturally work themselves out - she will always have to give in, with no compromise. it's heartbreaking.

but i'm tired of beating my head against the wall for people that don't care to better their situation. more than tired. it's not my life. i have no stake in the outcome of the situation. if a person chooses to live their life in a way that is not in line with my own beliefs, who am i to say they're wrong? live and let live, right? i'll do my best. and i'll be there if and/or when they fall. but i will try not to say, "i told you so!"

i don't know if i mentioned it before, but i talked to Mike (the one from Creston, not the crazy one) on the phone last monday. we didn't get a chance to talk much over the long weekend. i managed to position myself in a spot where i could be alone but visible and he took the bait and sat with me. we managed to chat for a couple of minutes before someone came up and sat with us. the whole weekend was a wash as far as he was concerned but i figured i would take Nike's advice (and the advice Zen master, Seung Sahn) and just do it. i wrote him a message on FB that just said it was nice to see him over the long weekend and that it was a shame we didn't get to chat more. i acknowledged that it was hard for us to talk with all of the other people present and then invited him to call me if he felt like chatting or if he was in town. within two days, he phoned. and not once, but three times because the first two times, i wasn't home. we talked for about an hour and a half and it wasn't me that did all the talking!

i realize that whatever it is with Mike will probably not come to anything. i mean it could and i'd definitely be in to trying for something but i don't know how it would end up in the long run. i could go and visit him (and i was kind of getting that vibe from him but then, i could be and probably am totally off) and he could come and visit me and we could have a LDR. apparently that's how most of his relationships have gone. but i wouldn't move to Creston. and he doesn't want to move from there. there is less for me there, work and family/friend wise, than if he were to live here, but he's just not the big city type. there are 10,000 people in Creston and even then, he lives on the outskirts of town. i don't know. i won't count my chickens before the cart goes before the horse, but i think all this will end up being is an annual distraction. but he is cute. :)

noon. i really hope my boss doesn't call me to come in now.

high horse

i perched atop my high horse today, and then realized i was not happy with the height i was at and jumped off.

i don't know what's wrong with me these days. i'm just not happy at work anymore. i still feel the same way getting up every morning and hopping on the train, but the minute the elevator doors open to our floor, the lightness in my heart disappears and i can't wait until 4 o'clock when i can run out of there.

i'm not sure what's going on with me. i just know that something's not right. i haven't been feeling right lately, physically and mentally, and it's affecting me emotionally. i've been craving one-on-one contact with people (which is unusual, because that usually means i have to talk) but being in groups is a source of annoyance, both socially and at work. even my usual groups at work are irking me and i find myself seeking out people individually to have a laugh or a venting session, instead of trying to round up a fun group to sit around and chat with.

i know i go through stages in sociability and i know that it's the end of summer so i tend to crawl back into my introvert-cave when september rolls around, but there's something wrong. i'm so irritated all the time. my fuse has been short. i have a feeling it has something to do with this whole taste bud-thing. it sucks to sit down to a meal when you know what it is supposed to taste like, but it doesn't taste like that. it's depressing. it's frustrating.

that's it - i'm frustrated, and more so than before. i don't think i've done anything to alleviate this frustration. i'm not happy with the changes (or lack of changes) that have been made at work. i'm not happy with how i've been dealing with the lack of changes. i've been doing what i always do - running away. i've taken vacations and come back feeling refreshed, only to fall back into the pattern again a few weeks later.

it's time to change the tape (or CD...or MP3) in my head. i'm unhappy because i know i could be doing more, but i don't do anything to make more happen. as i've told many people, and as i just explained to someone the other day, i can't change the people around me but i can change the situation i'm in. if i'm not willing to change the situation, then i need to figure out how to live with it. and if i can't live with it, then i need to make the hard decision and move on.

as the saying goes, it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know but at this point, the unknown devils are looking better and better. at least there is no set pattern when i start a new job - it is yet to be made. but the patterns at my work are established now and they'll be very hard to change if other people aren't willing to work with me to change them. i can only do so much, and then i have to let go.

minefield of weirdness

i told BabyMan about the Ex's e-mail to me and his very first reaction, after the wide-eyed stare of disbelief, was, "Don't even go there."

i guess if i were to take the figurative step back and see it from someone else's point of view, i would question why, after 7 years of absolute zero contact, he would choose to send me an e-mail. it is very possible that he's been looking me up on facebook for awhile now (well, so have i but him doing it is much more surprising and perhaps a bit dramatic). has he been thinking about me all this time? or perhaps just since last spring, when i saw him at the casino? incidentally, he saw me too that night. he just didn't know how to approach me or what to say, so he didn't. we've been trading messages back and forth, just catching up on each other's lives. it's funny because i have no problem throwing out question after question - how's the family? how long have you been married? do you have kids yet? where are you working now? and all he could ask, and almost sheepishly, was, "do you still have your Civic?" then he said that he felt weird asking me personal questions. i think that's weird. everything about this is a bit weird.

and the last question i asked him? "so, why contact me after 7 years?" a girl's gotta know, right?

once again, i'm dreading the drive to the okanagan this weekend. i have my CDs all planned but ugh... four hours of driving is not my idea of fun. at least i'll get to chill out at my B&B when i get there. and at least i'll be away from here!

on my own

i don't know what happened, but it appears my angels have decided that i need to figure life out on my own. i've asked them a number of things over the past few days, but i don't get the definitive answer from them like i did when i first was shown now to communicate with them. i guess the questions i've been asking them have been about how i feel about other people, rather than what i should do about me. either that, or they want me to do a lot of different things because they're saying 'yes' to all of my questions. weird.

i'm looking forward to my time away next weekend. yes, it will be with a bunch of rowdy and raucous friends but hopefully the presence of children will keep it more at a family-event level than the constant barrage of sex references it turns out to be. don't get me wrong - i like a good double entendre any day, but when it's all penis, all the time, it gets a bit sophomorish and boring. it's why i stay at a b&b and not at my friend's house. at least i can spend time away from the seemingly never-ending sexual references. and it's not even like the culprits are sex-starved - they get it more often in one night than most people get it in a year. over-sexed and over-loud. a bad combination.

okay, maybe i'm just looking forward to not being here, then.

spooky

i was a little blue last night and of course, when i'm down, i look for pictures of my exes. i was on the Ex's mom's facebook page and found a picture of him with his parents and wife on their wedding day. i don't know how long ago they got married but if he still looks like that, well then i don't feel so bad about packing on a few pounds. he doesn't even look like the same guy. it made me happy :)

i went to bed after that and it was probably about 11 or so. i wake up this morning and have a message from the Ex that says, "Poke :)" WTF! do you think he has some sort of program that says who is searching for him? if so, i'd like that program!! it's just so weird and even now, i'm still a bit creeped out by the whole coincidence. i'll send a message back because i'm dying to know how he is but i'll wait until tomorrow. i have loads of things to do today and couldn't possibly formulate a proper response to such an eloquent e-mail as the one he sent me.

if you can't play mind games with your Ex, then why have an Ex at all?? ;)

tasteless

this taste bud issue is disheartening. not that i haven't said that already.

my grandma's birthday party was scheduled for yesterday but it didn't happen - my aunt is sick so it has been postponed til next week. having already purchased all the ingredients for my favorite dessert that has no trace of chocolate in it, i decided to make the strawberry cheesecake trifle anyways. i carefully sliced each strawberry. i whipped the cream cheese and icing sugar until it was smooth and spreadable. i tore the angel food cake into bite sized pieces. i carefully layered everything and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. i didn't even have any until this morning. and how was it? salty. MF.

and then, i'm quite certain it was the strawberries and cream cheese that gave me the migraine i've been nursing since yesterday. okay, i did make myself a small spoonful with the leftover mix and strawberries yesterday. and then i got a headache. WTF.

and because of the dairy, my tum is bloated so i'm feeling frustrated with the weight even though i know it's artificial girth growth. argh. i'm bringing the damn trifle with me to work tomorrow, although i have no idea if it's any good or not (did i put enough icing sugar? is there enough cake? is there too much sour cream?). oh well, someone will eat it. someone always eats it if you leave it on the counter. heh, heh, heh.

rebel

after being bombarded with dozens upon dozens of E-Harmony commercials, both on TV and on the radio, i decided to fill out their questionnaire, mostly to get my personality profile.

i was instantly matched up with 12 guys with great profiles. the catch? unlike lavalife, you both have to be subscribers to communicate with each other (i.e. no freebies). i got a few requests to "exchange first questions" but i couldn't send them my answers because i wasn't a subscriber. at that point, i turned off the matching because i figured there was no point in being matched up with other guys if i couldn't communicate with them. then, i went to their subscription page thinking that i would pay the $20 for a month-long subscription just so i could meet a couple of the guys. well, the $20 subscription was the bulk deal - i'd have to sign up for 6 months to get that price! month-to-month was $60. i'd rather buy a pair of shoes, thanks.

instead, in the last question box, which was, "is there anything else you'd like your matches to know about you?" i said, "yes, my e-mail address is ...." and filled in one of my many web-based addresses. the next day, i get an "urgent" message saying that i had violated one of the terms of the agreement (i.e. i put my e-mail address in my profile!) and that they had turned off the matching feature and wouldn't turn it back on until i wrote to them, 'splaining why i violated the agreement. i thought, "big deal, i already turned off the matching." if my matches are smart, they'll read over my profile one more time before they close the match :)

did i mention that i haven't been able to taste anything properly for about two weeks now? it's certainly helping with my weight loss as i'm just so disheartened by the fact that everything tastes either salty or like nothing at all that i've decided only to eat when i am about to pass out. any other reason is pointless. i went to the doctor yesterday and she couldn't figure out what the cause was either. she told me to monitor the condition for another few weeks and if it didn't improve, then she would send me to a neurologist to get some tests done. i googled the symptoms and all i got were people with a salty taste in their mouth. i have a perpetual sweet taste in my mouth but when i eat chocolate (which i do a lot...at least, i used to), it tastes salty. in fact, almost everything tastes salty. but if it's not salty, then it is bland and tasteless. sad. so sad. the ironic part is that i've been trying to cut down on my salt intake because of the high-blood pressure incident a month ago. incidentally, they took my blood pressure and it's normal and so is my heartbeat. weirdness.

but if i had to see the silver lining in all of this (and there are a few), one would be that i'm going to drop some weight. guaranteed. the other is that it's not my sight or hearing that is affected. if i stopped being able to see and hear, then i don't think life would be worth living for much longer after that. it's not like i'm a gourmet who can taste individual spices and flavourings in a dish. i just like what i like. but if i couldn't listen to my music anymore or people watch, that would be tragic. i guess we all have our favorite senses. those would be my two.

i was entering a contest on www.concierge.com last night and boy, was i waxing poetic when submitting my entries! it made me think that i should start writing again. it's like i go in cycles - sometimes i can write and write and it's effortless. then all of a sudden i go into a slump and i can barely string a sentence together.

there's so much i want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. in a way, it's unfortunate that i grew up so comfortable, because i don't know how to be uncomfortable. i had a small, tiny taste of that "living hand-to-mouth" feeling when i first moved out on my own and it sucked. i hated it. i feel like i'm now at a place in my life where i am comfortable on my own and i don't want to do anything to mess with that. but i'm having the school yearnings again. and i think if i ignore this one, it will be the big regret of my life. granted, i feel like that with every action i decide against but this one...well, i think this one is the real deal. so much so that i don't want to tell anyone about it because i think this one is it.

my dining room table is a mess.

brick wall

why?

i'm chatting online with my cousin's girlfriend. they've been dating for almost 9 years and they've just gotten back together after another breakup over the "M" word. so i ask her whether they've started talking about it now that they're back together (because, what's the point in getting back together if you're not going to talk marriage, right?). she said that it was far too soon to be talking about marriage and that they're still trying to heal over the last bought of drama. huh?

then i asked her about how her fitness thing was going (because after they broke up, she started working out to get some aggression out and found out she loved it so she was going to take a personal trainer course and some day open up a gym), and she said that she had kind of loss her interest in it. but now she's looking into a real estate course or perhaps something else. she's still trying to find herself. whuh?

i know, i know. i have been there and i have done that and i could write the book about all the emotions that go with it. but because i've been there, i know. whatever version of herself she found when they were apart is being overshadowed by the her that was. it doesn't seem like there's been any growth in the six months they were apart. no growth means no lessons learned!!!

aaargh. why do i care? it's not my life and it doesn't affect me. but it hurts me to hear when people allow themselves to be railroaded - "allowed" being the operative word. BabyMan was telling me about his older brother who is going through a divorce. the brother and his wife are still living in the same house together, but his wife has a boyfriend and doesn't take care of the kids after work because she goes out with her boyfriend so the brother has to stay home with the kids. and when all is said and done, he's leaving the house (which is fully paid off, by the way) with just his clothes and some personal belongings. he's giving her everything. granted, he's doing that so he doesn't have to pay spousal support but that ends eventually!

why, why, why do i care? i spend so much time agonizing over other peoples' relationship mistakes and for what? i can't fix them. i can't tell them what to do. and they wouldn't do it even if i told them. i know people need to make their own mistakes but it kills me to see them making them!

probably a good thing i'm not a parent. my kid would be the most sheltered child ever.

angels

my angels told me i was meant to have a dog and i was meant to have kids. it's complicated.

my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.

without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.

so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).

but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.

Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.

i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!

hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.

projection

i don't think i actually want a dog. i mean, i love dogs but i don't think i actually want one of my own. i don't think it has to do with a fear of commitment (although it does strike the fear of God into me when i think of taking care of something sentient other than myself). i think it has more to do with greed and self-interest than anything else. i've always wanted a dog. always, for my entire life. and yet i still don't have one. there's nothing and no one holding me back from getting one of my own and yet, i haven't done very much about it. i could've lied to the SPCA and told them i lived in a house with a big fenced yard and had a roommate that worked from home all the time. but i didn't. i told the truth because i knew the truth would prevent me from getting a dog. i'm sabotaging this because i don't feel it's right. why get a dog to curb my own feelings of loneliness (such that they are), only to have the dog be lonely because i'm never here? not fair. not right. no dog.

i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.

i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.

but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.

channeling carrie

i saw "sex and the city" tonight with a bunch girls from work. it was so much fun. we got there late so i was irritated (of course) because we were supposed to get there 30 minutes before but the restaurant took so long (with 10 orders, yeah, i think so) and then paying (does anyone have change?) and then the mixup with the tickets (will-call means you pick up the tickets - you can't just bring the printout and expect them to let you in). but we sat down (in the fourth row up from the gigangic screen) and the screen went dark and that oh-so-familiar piano tinkling and carrie-voice-over came on and i relaxed. it was so fun just sitting there with girlfriends, gasping at outrageous outfits and trying not to cry when Big messed up everything...again. i miss that. i miss having girlfriends.

as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.

i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.

eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.

here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.

hesitation

so, the breeder that Mon got her dogs at is selling some of her adults. i e-mailed the breeder and asked about both. she's selling them for $400 each (Mon says i should get both, because two is better than one).

i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.

i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...

just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!

i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.

it's still going to cost me $400.

dancing machine

i signed up for a "bollywood jazz" class at the local rec centre and have been attending classes now for four weeks (two more classes to go). it's taught the "students" of the most sought-after bollywood choreographer today and my teacher, whose name i can't remember, is fricking awesome. he's a 5'3" Indian firecracker who is such an awesome teacher. i love this class so much, i've already signed up for the summer session, which is two classes a week for three weeks. you know how much i love this class? the summer sessions are on tuesdays and fridays, from 18:40 to 19:40. i am having so much fun!

other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!

i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!

i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.

on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.

kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?

i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????

i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.

and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.

sigh.

full-figured

i borrowed a book from the library the other day called, "The Science of Sexy", by bradley bayou, stylist to the stars. i didn't bother actually reading the book, cover to cover. instead, i looked to see what my shape was (rectangle) and looked on the height/weight chart to see what color i fit under so i could flip to the three pages that would tell me what i should and shouldn't wear. when i did so, i skimmed the pages, looked at the pictures and decided that, for the most part, i was dressing in the right shapes for my body. then, i looked at the beginning page of my section and it said, "Rectangle, Full-Figured." i paused and thought about it. i flipped through the rest of the book and tried to find what else i could have been. i found "petite" and "medium" descriptions and the back of the book was all "plus-sized". i was stymied. i went back to the height/weight chart and subtracted about 30 lbs from where i was, found the color and flipped to that page - "Rectangle, Medium". there was nothing between "medium" and "full-figured". it then occurred to me: i'm full-figured. i'm not medium anymore!

you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."

honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.

i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.

when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?

so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.

i think i am.

thinking, feeling and being

i'm not fat. but somedays, i feel like i am. it's not the same as being fat. i wish people would realize that.

feeling you are something, thinking your are something and being something are sometimes three different things. somedays, as we all know, i feel crazy. but (most days) i'm not.

i was reading a back-post on my favorite blog and in one of her posts, she complained that because of the cold weather and the clothes she had to wear to keep warm, she felt fat. the first comment was something to the effect of, "take it from a big woman whose had a lot of therapy to come to grips with he weight - you're not fat." no, she didn't say she was fat - she said she felt fat. different.

i got an e-mail from a former classmate and fellow paralegal today. she must have had her annual salary review because she asked us all what a 3 year paralegal should be making. she said her HR person lowballed her (although she didn't give a number), but she thinks she should be making about $50 to 60K. i hate this, because i've recently accepted my own salary as what i should be earning, and now someone is suggesting that i should be making more.

like i told her in my response e-mail, it really all depends on the type of work you do, the level of experience you've gained, the type of law you work in and what is actually expected of you. i don't work overtime or weekends or take work home with me. i don't have a billable target for the year. and i'm going to be getting flex days. so the fact that i'm making a comfortable salary that happens to be under $50K sucks, but may very well be fair. let's face it - i don't have to work very hard and i have a lot of pull at my firm. i have a very good reputation and i don't want a war-over-wages to ruin that. at the same time, if i know that all of my friends from class are making more than i am, there is something fundamentally wrong with that.

i think i make enough. i feel i should make more. i don't know if i make what is actually fair.

luckily, i'm still very chill from my holidays, so nothing's really bothering me right now. what a difference a vacation makes. before i left, i was stumbling into work five or ten minutes late and leaving as soon as practically possible after 4pm (provided my 6.5 hours were duly recorded). now, i've been into work happily about 7:45 each morning, leaving equally happily at about 4:30 or 5. i think the exercise helps, but i think the brain vacation helped more.

i need to do it more often!

turtle

i fell while on a moving bus today. i had rung for my stop and started to walk (using the poles and hand straps provided) towards the exit door. the bus driver decided to brake suddenly (a few feet before the actual stop, naturally) and i lost my grip on the pole. i was wearing heels and was just stepping off the first step down from the back upper level of the bus. so, i turned on my heel (promptly twisting it), grasped for air and fell flat on my back, knocking my sun glasses off my head. how embarrasing! i would've been more hurt if i hadn't been wearing my backpack but luckily, it broke my fall. i felt like a turtle on its back. this guy that was sitting in front of my came to see if i was okay and the bus driver stopped the bus, walked back towards me to see if i was okay, and took one look at my shoes and said jovially, "you'd better be careful on those heels. next time, sit closer to the door!" i was tired and hungry so i waved off any help, said i was okay, and went home and began employing the RICE principle. i've iced my ankle. it's currently wrapped in a pashmina to reduce mobility (like i own a tensor bandage!). and i've been sitting with my ankle elevated on two pillows.

i'll be hobbling onto the plane on thursday.

worth

i finally had my annual review yesterday (only four months behind schedule). i had in my mind what i wanted to say about my job and what i wanted for a salary increase. i was going to stick to my guns. i even received the BCPA salary survey in the mail the day before. it was like fate.

well, my salary did increase over and above the 3% cost of living increase, which is fantastic. but, it's $1200 less annually than what i had decided i would agree to / settle for. $1200. for the partnership, not a lot a year. only $100 more per month. daily, it would be less than what some of them pay for lunch everyday. or beer.

my admin told me that the salary is negotiable and that i should write a memo outlining what i would like and why i think i deserve it (basically).

and now, i've sat down to write it. and i'm wondering if it's even worth asking for. i know that i'm worth it. i feel i bring a lot of value to the firm, if not all through my work. i'm sure that if i were to find somewhere else to work and quit my current job, $1200 wouldn't be much to offer me to stay. i like to think they would offer me that to stay.

but then i remember that i've only been in this job for 2.5 years. and i've only been doing real paralegal work for less than a year. am i being greedy? or am i talking myself out of something i deserve (yet again)?

it's a difficult thing to do, determining what you're worth to a company. i took a glance over the salary survey and, while there are people who are earning more than me with the same level of experience (probably less, since I still have my legal secretary background and four years of it), they didn't get a bonus and they actually have targets they have to meet. plus, they work at least 15 hours a week more than i do.

am i talking myself out of requesting more money? probably. am i sorry i'm doing it? probably will be later. but i think i'll wait until i get back from my holiday to make any decisions, either big or small.

six more days!

begging the question

as i walked to the train after work today, i heard sobbing behind me. not just sniffling. not just crying. but sobbing. i turned around and saw, about five feet behind me, a woman with dark sunglasses on and her coat collar turned up, and she was audibly weeping.

i immediately felt that wanted to help her. but how do you ask a perfect stranger if they want to talk about what's bothering them? i kept walking, and she kept crying behind me. finally, i decided to slow down and let her catch up with me. as she walked by me, i said the only thing i could say, "are you okay?"

obviously, she was not okay. they were not tears of joy. she was not suffering with allergies that caused uncontrollable eye-watering. she was so the opposite of "okay" at that point in time.

she managed to choke out, "i'm fine," and walked by me. i felt better, at least knowing that i tried. not very hard, but who wants to be pushed into spilling their guts by a total stranger?

i had my review at work today. more like a whining session but my admin, once again, emphasized that no one wanted me to leave so they wanted to make me happy. i asked for flex days. i asked for a headset for my phone (the numb fingers thing). i even asked for office space once they got it (whenever that is). i should've also asked for more holidays but i figured i might be pushing it. when she gave me the piece of paper that said what my salary increase was, i wasn't too disappointed. but it was still $1,200.00 less than what i wanted. i asked if the salary was negotiable and she said it was. i am to write a memo outlining why i would like the increase.

they want a memo? i'll give them a memo, with appendices and all! for less than a sandwich a day, i could get exactly what i want.

i did confess to my admin that i wasn't sure that my job was it for me. i emphasized that a lot of my frustration these days is just tiredness. i just need a vacation. i told her that my plan was to take my holiday next week, relax and think about nothing, and then come home and re-assess my place in the world. she told me to come back and see her after i had done my assessment.

i think i will.

waxing and waning

well, i think i'm a little less despairing than i was in my last post. not any less frustrated but a little less suicidal!

i'm currently a fan of a fellow-blogger. i came upon her site when i was trying to figure out what shoes to wear (i.e. flats or heels) with jeans and a dress. this is her site: http://whatiwore2day.blogspot.com/

she has such style! some of her outfits are a little too wild for me but she carries even the weirdest (for someone as conservative as me, that is) combos of pieces with such confidence that i have to admire her chutzpah. she's recently posted her outfits from the past couple of years and i must say, she used to be just a regular ol' dresser like yours truly. i have hope!!

i've been on the weather watch for punta cana lately. honestly, if it rains once in awhile while i'm there, i don't care too much. but i don't want any thunderstorms or hurricanes! my mom, ever the pseudo-storm chaser, is hoping for a hurricane but i think that's insanity and a bit of dementia on her part. i just want to get a tan, swim a bit, relax and remember what it feels like to be somewhat sane, if only for a little while.

i got some new exercises from my physiotherapist. we'll see how it works. i go back again tomorrow. she's going to work on my arm tomorrow. hopefully that helps with the shooting pains. i've almost given up on the numbness in my fingers. almost.

my apartment is a mess.

just call me george

ever feel like your life has no purpose? i feel that today. i feel like everything i've done to this point has had no impact on the world or the people around me and that i'm still wandering aimlessly. i feel like george bailey in "it's a wonderful life", except at the very beginning of the movie, not at the end.

Mon asked Niko, the Ninja's new assistant, to help her today. you know what she asked her to do? research. so i jokingly said, "bill it to my number, would you?" and the minute i said that, i opened up a can of worms, the inhabitants of which are now burrowing tiny holes into my head and heart. i heard Mon say that she wasn't allowed to give me stuff to do which is why she gave the project to Niko. but Mon has no problem asking me to track down files or photocopy stuff. she doesn't think twice about asking me to do revisions on letters or mail things out for her. but to do actual paralegal work - work that i've been trained to do but never actually used my skills? nope, she gives that to someone who has been working in litigation for all of 6 weeks. thanks for the vote of confidence.

it just made me realize further that no one actually sees me as a paralegal at the firm. how could they? i started as a legal secretary and will always be that in some people's eyes. my own boss sees me as a faithful assistant rather than a trained and knowledgable member of the team.

i know i'm just tired and need a vacation. but i'm tired of complaining about the work i get and the people i work with. nothing is being done and nothing is changing, even though i'm on the path to change. i know i need to wait until i get back from holidays to make any rash decisions but i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to go to work anymore, feeling like i serve no other purpose but to be a seat warmer and accurate typist. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of feeling like my two years of studying to be a paralegal were all for nought. i'm tired of spending my days hole punching documents and making pretty binders.

fuck the binders!

i'm tired. i'm tired of being tired. something must be done.

getting old

no one hates getting old more than i do. i'm seeing the little white hairs peeking through the black hair around my temples. i've started noticing that my laugh lines (which were never there with much prominence before) are starting to deepen. I even have the fine lines under my eyes now too.

but my biggest complaint to-date is my ever-expanding problem of muscle soreness and stiffness. for the past few months, i've been experiencing numbness and tingling in my left arm. back in january, i went for 2 sessions of massage therapy which helped. but because i favour sleeping on my left side, the problem came back within a month or so. i went for more massages but nothing has helped. in fact, as i type, there is a shooting pain in my forearm near my elbow and my left hand is going numb. things are better when i stand. but i can't stand forever.

my doctor seemed unconcerned (big surprise there). she suggested i go for physiotherapy, which i will be doing on tuesday. i was talking to the Ninja about it at work and when i described the pain i was having (which, i'm noticing today is now also in my right arm...oh, god, i hope it's not arthritis), he immediately pointed to his neck and said, "neck problems. i have the exact same problem. you need a chiropractor." i just had to get up and wander around for a minute because my arms were starting to seize. this is not good.

physio on tuesday and then, if no improvement, i'm going to get cracked.

slouch!

in more ways than one.

it's been about two months since i last wrote. i've been busy! the teaching thing is almost over (my last class is monday) and i must say, i've learned a lot. A LOT! it's amazing how much you don't know about your own job, until you try to teach it to other people who have "outsider" questions.

did i enjoy it? yes.... will i do it again? yes.... do you feel a "but" coming on? yes.... i liken my teaching days to going to the gym - the mere thought of going sent me into a mild depression and whenever i walked out the door to leave for class, it felt more like i was going to get my teeth extracted by a medieval dentist. but once i was there and i was in the groove, i felt pretty damn good.

the cat is gone. i missed her for about two days. then, the realization that i didn't have to watch where i sat for fear of cat hair, sunk in. no more animal hair! life is good.

i'm getting fatter. i'm trying to exercise but my sweet tooth has been unbelieveable lately. actually, my food tooth has been worse. i've been over-eating a lot lately and i can't stop myself from doing so. perhaps i need to try a bit harder.

i'm not doing much better on the money front either (as i type away on my brand-spanking new computer!). instead of spending money on clothes, i spend money on food (see the problem one paragraph above). but, i have a plan and i will pay off my amex by june! well, i'll pay off the old stuff by june. once i go on holidays, i'll rack up a few more hundred dollars.

which brings me to my next piece of news: i'm going on holidays. not sure when exactly, nor where, nor with whom, but the idea is firmly implanted in my brain and we all know what that means: aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

it's the end of daylight savings time so we're springing forward tonight. which means when i go into work tomorrow (yes, on a sunday), i'll actually be there at 9am and not 10. ouch.

i was on the skytrain yesterday, coming home from work. it was about 6:30. there was this kid, probably about 6 or 7 but no more than that, with his mom. there were no seats for his mom so he sat down. he was the cutest thing. very well-behaved and so sweet and innocent-looking. when a spot beside him freed up, he pointed to it and said something to his mom (don't know what he said because it was in Korean or something but i can only assume he was telling her to sit down) and she told him that it was okay, she would stand. he started to drift off to sleep, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as the train went on. he was the epitome of a child for me at that moment. and i felt myself starting to tear up. i'm not hormonal (that i know of) so i don't know why it made me teary. in a sad way too. is it the biological clock ticking? are my maternal feelings starting to grow stronger?

not surprisingly, i ended up having a bit of a meltdown last night. i was watching an episode i had taped of "Eli Stone", and the part where he's telling the judge at his disbarment hearing that he's always wanted to be a lawyer and can't imagine his life without his work, i broke down. i had an absolute meltdown. i felt like my life was pointless. i've been drifting aimlessly for 31 years and may continue to do so for another 31. i couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much.

it's no secret that i've always envied people who have known what they wanted to do for a career for their whole life. while most days, i don't mind thinking that another, more fulfilling career is just around the corner, once in awhile i wonder why i just can't be happy doing what i'm doing.

the truth is, i do love my job still. sure, i'm frustrated right now but i think that has more to do with how i'm seeing things than what's actually happening. sure, lawyers i don't work for are asking me to help them when their assistants are away on holidays or are sick. instead of complaining about how they should have asked for a temp to sit at their desk, i should be flattered that they are singling me out (partners, no less!) to do their work for them. they may be menial tasks, but they know i won't screw them up.

once i come back from the Dominican, i will be refreshed and ready to go again. but until then, i'm hanging on by some very frayed, emotional strings.

and i'm still slouching. at least when i'm sitting.