truth and consequences

had coffee with MGF tonight. i still find my feelings for him, such that they are, difficult to define. on the one hand, i wish in a way that it was me he was marrying in july. on the other hand, i know i would never be able to trust him fully when it came to fidelity so why even belabour any regrets?

but i do, in a way, regret not "choosing" him when i had that option and i told him so last year. but in no way do i regret my relationship (such that it was!) with Mike. he taught me a very important lesson that i really needed to learn: that drama is not a requirement or a desire in any of my relationships. particularly over-drama. had i chosen MGF over Mike, i would not have learned that very important lesson that Mike inadvertently taught me. and who's to say that MGF and i would have worked out anyway?

i suppose the twisting i feel in my chest when i meet with MGF for our quarterly coffee dates is similar to the one i get when i think about the Ex and his getting married. i want to feel bad and feel hurt and feel cheated, but i don't. there is still a small part of me that wants to be the victim of "the one that got away", but the other, more sensible and mature part of me squashes that feeling. gives me a mental slap upside the head, so to speak.

i still have a lot to learn.