midnight confessions

i find it interesting, in a psychanalytic way, that i can't admit a crush i have on someone, even to myself. is that weird? is that untruthful? does it mean more than i think it means? i admitted my crush to Nige a while back, but have not mentioned it to him since. he told me immediately that i should create some space. even he knows it won't end up well.

i can't even bring myself to admit it now. we had our office christmas party tonight. i was inwardly miffed that my crush didn't sit with me, but instead sat with The Student (NB - i should change her name. she's a lawyer now!). he only managed to come up to me when i moved to another table and was chatting with other people and taking pictures. i managed to take a couple of him and then (because I was sitting on a chair and he was standing behind me), i said, "come down here, i want to take a picture." so he put his arm around my neck and gave me a good squeeze and i took the picture. we both look drunk; everyone else says it's a good picture.

i feel guilty looking at the picture, you know? mooning over it, like he was someone that i could be with. he and The Student took off early and went to Stella's. he beckoned me to come with them and i was going to go, but i had that sneaking suspicion that nothing good would come of it.

i don't drink, but i tend to take advantage of the fact that other people do. especially on a night like tonight, when guards are down and people are a lot more relaxed. i know in my heart i would have tried something and i have a feeling that he wouldn't have been opposed to even a small advance.

ugh, i feel guilty just admitting it. ugh. UGH. don't get me wrong - i am not after him. he's married, with a 2 year old and twins on the way. i don't need to involve myself with that kind of drama. but it's slightly beyond crush, you know? ugh. UGH.

i just shivered. what is wrong with me???