eve of the eve

i'm feeling pensive and reflective. i can't believe it's almost the end of the year. i see it on the calendar and i know it in my head, but it just doesn't feel like a year has gone by.

i'm starting to see a trend. every year for the past few years, Christmas has seemed like less of a "thing" and new years has been less monumental. my birthday has become less and less important, and i sometimes feel like i make a big deal about it because i'm supposed to. actually, if i remember correctly, i feel that way up to the day, and then the day of, i'm like a kid again. okay, so birthday is not included.

i don't know what it is. Christmas came and went. i love Christmas. i bought three gifts this year. i should have bought more gifts for more people because maybe it would've felt like the giving season again. i did participate in a couple of charity gift things, so that was part of it. we had a white Christmas, the first in about 10 years, and it still didn't feel like Christmas (maybe because our Christmases are normally green).

and new years eve is tomorrow. where did that come from? i've had my new years plans booked for about a month or so now, so i knew what i was going to do, but i almost just want to stay at home in my pyjamas. not unlike every other night this week. sad.

is it because i'm getting older or is it because i've become jaded? i don't want to think it's either. it can't be because i'm older. it's not an age thing with me. and being jaded just isn't an option. despite all of the crap that's gone on in my family the past three years, compared to other people i have an ideal family life. compared to. isn't that what it's all about?

life is about comparisons, whether you like it or not. i don't like it. my favorite quote is, "our greatest unhappiness comes when we compare ourselves to others." i don't know who the quote is attributed to, but it's always been one that hits home with me. whenever i am feeling particularly jealous or slighted or inferior or superior, i think about this quote because it is so true. i am never unhappy with my life until i start looking at other peoples' lives and wondering how they came about it. how can she afford to live that lifestyle? how is he so bright and clever?

it's not that i can't talk myself out of being envious and just come to terms with what i have. i've managed to make my peace with my body image and my decision not to go to law school. okay, so that's two things out of many. but i did it! so why can't i let go of other things? why do i make myself a prisoner to my thoughts, my wants? captive in my own head and by my own volition? there is a masochistic part of me that i can only deal with part of the time. sporadically.

why is it so hard to let go?