just call me george

ever feel like your life has no purpose? i feel that today. i feel like everything i've done to this point has had no impact on the world or the people around me and that i'm still wandering aimlessly. i feel like george bailey in "it's a wonderful life", except at the very beginning of the movie, not at the end.

Mon asked Niko, the Ninja's new assistant, to help her today. you know what she asked her to do? research. so i jokingly said, "bill it to my number, would you?" and the minute i said that, i opened up a can of worms, the inhabitants of which are now burrowing tiny holes into my head and heart. i heard Mon say that she wasn't allowed to give me stuff to do which is why she gave the project to Niko. but Mon has no problem asking me to track down files or photocopy stuff. she doesn't think twice about asking me to do revisions on letters or mail things out for her. but to do actual paralegal work - work that i've been trained to do but never actually used my skills? nope, she gives that to someone who has been working in litigation for all of 6 weeks. thanks for the vote of confidence.

it just made me realize further that no one actually sees me as a paralegal at the firm. how could they? i started as a legal secretary and will always be that in some people's eyes. my own boss sees me as a faithful assistant rather than a trained and knowledgable member of the team.

i know i'm just tired and need a vacation. but i'm tired of complaining about the work i get and the people i work with. nothing is being done and nothing is changing, even though i'm on the path to change. i know i need to wait until i get back from holidays to make any rash decisions but i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to go to work anymore, feeling like i serve no other purpose but to be a seat warmer and accurate typist. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of feeling like my two years of studying to be a paralegal were all for nought. i'm tired of spending my days hole punching documents and making pretty binders.

fuck the binders!

i'm tired. i'm tired of being tired. something must be done.