projection

i don't think i actually want a dog. i mean, i love dogs but i don't think i actually want one of my own. i don't think it has to do with a fear of commitment (although it does strike the fear of God into me when i think of taking care of something sentient other than myself). i think it has more to do with greed and self-interest than anything else. i've always wanted a dog. always, for my entire life. and yet i still don't have one. there's nothing and no one holding me back from getting one of my own and yet, i haven't done very much about it. i could've lied to the SPCA and told them i lived in a house with a big fenced yard and had a roommate that worked from home all the time. but i didn't. i told the truth because i knew the truth would prevent me from getting a dog. i'm sabotaging this because i don't feel it's right. why get a dog to curb my own feelings of loneliness (such that they are), only to have the dog be lonely because i'm never here? not fair. not right. no dog.

i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.

i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.

but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.