high horse

i perched atop my high horse today, and then realized i was not happy with the height i was at and jumped off.

i don't know what's wrong with me these days. i'm just not happy at work anymore. i still feel the same way getting up every morning and hopping on the train, but the minute the elevator doors open to our floor, the lightness in my heart disappears and i can't wait until 4 o'clock when i can run out of there.

i'm not sure what's going on with me. i just know that something's not right. i haven't been feeling right lately, physically and mentally, and it's affecting me emotionally. i've been craving one-on-one contact with people (which is unusual, because that usually means i have to talk) but being in groups is a source of annoyance, both socially and at work. even my usual groups at work are irking me and i find myself seeking out people individually to have a laugh or a venting session, instead of trying to round up a fun group to sit around and chat with.

i know i go through stages in sociability and i know that it's the end of summer so i tend to crawl back into my introvert-cave when september rolls around, but there's something wrong. i'm so irritated all the time. my fuse has been short. i have a feeling it has something to do with this whole taste bud-thing. it sucks to sit down to a meal when you know what it is supposed to taste like, but it doesn't taste like that. it's depressing. it's frustrating.

that's it - i'm frustrated, and more so than before. i don't think i've done anything to alleviate this frustration. i'm not happy with the changes (or lack of changes) that have been made at work. i'm not happy with how i've been dealing with the lack of changes. i've been doing what i always do - running away. i've taken vacations and come back feeling refreshed, only to fall back into the pattern again a few weeks later.

it's time to change the tape (or CD...or MP3) in my head. i'm unhappy because i know i could be doing more, but i don't do anything to make more happen. as i've told many people, and as i just explained to someone the other day, i can't change the people around me but i can change the situation i'm in. if i'm not willing to change the situation, then i need to figure out how to live with it. and if i can't live with it, then i need to make the hard decision and move on.

as the saying goes, it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know but at this point, the unknown devils are looking better and better. at least there is no set pattern when i start a new job - it is yet to be made. but the patterns at my work are established now and they'll be very hard to change if other people aren't willing to work with me to change them. i can only do so much, and then i have to let go.