full-figured

i borrowed a book from the library the other day called, "The Science of Sexy", by bradley bayou, stylist to the stars. i didn't bother actually reading the book, cover to cover. instead, i looked to see what my shape was (rectangle) and looked on the height/weight chart to see what color i fit under so i could flip to the three pages that would tell me what i should and shouldn't wear. when i did so, i skimmed the pages, looked at the pictures and decided that, for the most part, i was dressing in the right shapes for my body. then, i looked at the beginning page of my section and it said, "Rectangle, Full-Figured." i paused and thought about it. i flipped through the rest of the book and tried to find what else i could have been. i found "petite" and "medium" descriptions and the back of the book was all "plus-sized". i was stymied. i went back to the height/weight chart and subtracted about 30 lbs from where i was, found the color and flipped to that page - "Rectangle, Medium". there was nothing between "medium" and "full-figured". it then occurred to me: i'm full-figured. i'm not medium anymore!

you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."

honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.

i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.

when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?

so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.

i think i am.