thinking, feeling and being

i'm not fat. but somedays, i feel like i am. it's not the same as being fat. i wish people would realize that.

feeling you are something, thinking your are something and being something are sometimes three different things. somedays, as we all know, i feel crazy. but (most days) i'm not.

i was reading a back-post on my favorite blog and in one of her posts, she complained that because of the cold weather and the clothes she had to wear to keep warm, she felt fat. the first comment was something to the effect of, "take it from a big woman whose had a lot of therapy to come to grips with he weight - you're not fat." no, she didn't say she was fat - she said she felt fat. different.

i got an e-mail from a former classmate and fellow paralegal today. she must have had her annual salary review because she asked us all what a 3 year paralegal should be making. she said her HR person lowballed her (although she didn't give a number), but she thinks she should be making about $50 to 60K. i hate this, because i've recently accepted my own salary as what i should be earning, and now someone is suggesting that i should be making more.

like i told her in my response e-mail, it really all depends on the type of work you do, the level of experience you've gained, the type of law you work in and what is actually expected of you. i don't work overtime or weekends or take work home with me. i don't have a billable target for the year. and i'm going to be getting flex days. so the fact that i'm making a comfortable salary that happens to be under $50K sucks, but may very well be fair. let's face it - i don't have to work very hard and i have a lot of pull at my firm. i have a very good reputation and i don't want a war-over-wages to ruin that. at the same time, if i know that all of my friends from class are making more than i am, there is something fundamentally wrong with that.

i think i make enough. i feel i should make more. i don't know if i make what is actually fair.

luckily, i'm still very chill from my holidays, so nothing's really bothering me right now. what a difference a vacation makes. before i left, i was stumbling into work five or ten minutes late and leaving as soon as practically possible after 4pm (provided my 6.5 hours were duly recorded). now, i've been into work happily about 7:45 each morning, leaving equally happily at about 4:30 or 5. i think the exercise helps, but i think the brain vacation helped more.

i need to do it more often!