holy f.

my mom phones me at 9:oo this morning, first on the land line, then on the cell phone. i was still sleeping. when i finally pick up both messages about 30 minutes later, there's a dire tone to her voice. normally, i wouldn't phone her back until i had breakfast and was out of my "morning grump". but i'm afraid something bad's happened. so, i phone her back. she says, "help me! i've started my Christmas baking and i don't have everything i need." so she wants me to borrow a list of things from my dad AND buy some stuff from the store. and she wants me to pick them up and deliver them to her. should i remind you that she lives a block from my dad and i live about 10 minutes walking-distance away?

FUCK YOU! you wake me up because you weren't smart enough to figure out that lemon sugar cookies may require some sort of grating device for the rind? that if you're making a bunch of different kinds of cookies, you may require cookie cooling racks? that if you're making Rolo cookies, you may need the fucking Rolos?

merry fucking christmas. what the fuck. in any event, i just phoned my dad's house and no one's home. hopefully, he'll be out all day. that will teach her to read just what she needs for ingredients and not what she needs for hardware.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

it's beginning to look a lot like...

i did some Christmas shopping today. i was actually intending to go grocery shopping but i got this overwhelming desire to buy more decorations and toys for my two little nieces so i veered away from the direction of save-on and towards winners.

i spent at least an hour and a half looking for toys that weren't useless and didn't put the wrong ideas into the kids' heads. my one niece is 7 (or did she just turn 8? i'm losing track) and the other one is just 2. everything they had for 7 year olds was all that Bratz crap, with the little dolls wearing dark lipstick and whore clothes, driving convertibles and talking on cell phones. no thanks. my niece picked up on the whole "britney spears" thing when she was five or six and the results were disturbing (think of a 6 year old lipsynching to "Baby, One More Time" and crawling around on the floor like some sort of karaoke stripper - can you say 'creepy'?). don't get me wrong - i'm not against buying girly toys for her but not ones that advocate children wearing makeup, high heels and adult-style clothes made in children's sizes. it's arguable that she already does that.

i did end up buying her one of those giant Barbie heads where you can style her hair (brush, clip, braid and what have you). T was talking about buying her 8 year old niece that for Christmas because she was begging for it so i guess it must be something that girls this age like. the other niece, i bought a toy that she would find fun but is also a developmental toy. actually, the back of the box says that some of the skills kids learn are, "hand-eye coordination, grasping, keeping busy and hitting." i thought the last one was hilarious and it was even funnier when i saw the exact same toy by the same company (but with bed bugs instead of mice) but the back of the box conveniently left out the "hitting" reference. anyway, it's a whack-a-mole type of toy so she gets to hit things, maybe get out some baby-aggression, and have some fun at the same time.

for me, i bought another wreath (it was too cute not to buy and it was only $13), which is hanging on my den door on the too-small $2 wreath holder i bought from the dollar store, and a Christmas stocking (although it will be empty when i wake up on Christmas day...). i'm inadvertently creating a "snowman" theme in my apartment as my new wreath has a snow-family sitting on it (all dressed up in scarves and hats - so cute!) and my stocking has a snowman on it. kind of funny for someone who really doesn't like the snow.

i can't believe it's almost Christmas. i'm already thinking about my vacation next year. there are so many things i want to do and it all requires a bit of creative saving and financial restraint on my part. i want to go to mexico in the next four months for a nice, week-long, all-inclusive beach holiday. or, i'd like to use my airmiles and visit my cousin in san francisco. or, i'd like to save up and finally visit my friend in NY (and finally visit NY!). or, i'd like to really save up and meet up with my friend from south africa in two years, although he's thinking of selling his flat and buying a house soon so he may not be able to meet me. in that case, i'd have to really, really save up (money and time off) and meet him in SA. that would be cool. they have beaches there too. or, i'd like to get a dog. but that would keep me in one place for a very long time.

decisions, decisions. oh well, they're easy to make when you're just dreaming :)

you know you want it

so, i'm sitting in the lunchroom and A sits in front of me. after some idle chit chat with the new student, A says, "so, the OC called last night." i said, "oh, yeah." she said, "he was asking about you." i said, "oh? what did he have to say?" and she said, "he was wondering why he hadn't heard from you. so i told him you'd found much more interesting people to spend time with and that he was old news." i smiled. then she told me he was on saltspring.

what a dork he is. maybe if he made some effort to keep in touch with me, i would keep in touch with him.

still no word from my ex-double. maybe he's in a hospital somewhere, battling pneumonia. maybe he's passed out on the floor of his apartment from a high fever. or maybe, as greg would say, he's just not that into you.

i found this fantabulous book at the library today. it's called "historica - 1000 years of our lives and times". it's right up my alley - a thousand years of history condensed into 500 page coffee-table book. i sent it to my brother as a "hint hint" for christmas. hopefully, if the General decides to give me a gift again this year, it's a GC to Chapters and not the Body Shop again. there was also this lovely arthur erickson coffee table book that had his most well-known designs and buildings. i don't care what anyone says - i think his style is great.

things are not going so well with the new girl. i was really hoping she would have caught on by now but she's still having trouble with the computer programs we use. i know i shouldn't expect her to be like me - i fool around on computers and different programs so i know how to navigate my way through things. but she's looking for digital transcription files on Word and she keeps closing her e-mail/document management system when that's the one thing she should always be referring to. i can tell she's knowledgeable with procedural matters but she just doesn't have the hang of the computer yet and that's really the help that's most required. i think i billed a total of 4 hours today because most of my day was spent helping her do things that i had showed her how to do before and that she had written down how to do. it's not even that - she's not using her common sense to figure out problems. let's face it - finding something on the computer is just common sense. today, she called me over to look at an e-mail the General had sent her. the e-mail said to take the changes from the attached document and make them in redline on the document we had on the system. she showed me the e-mail (with the attachment unopened) and said, "i don't understand - i can't see the changes anywhere. where am i supposed to make them and how do i make them red?" she never even thought to open up the attachment or read the entire e-mail to see what the attachment was. i don't know. hopefully, it gets better soon because i'm getting busier.

i don't know

a couple of weeks ago, i received 12 free credits from my dating site to "come back" and put up another profile. so, i did. i used my 12 free credits (actually, i ended up getting a freebie so it was actually 18 credits) but none of the guys ever got in contact with me. figures.

this one guy who didn't send me a smile and didn't try to IM me sent me an e-mail with his backstage pictures and basically just said he liked my profile and would i like to chat sometime. i read his profile (his picture was hidden) and he seemed nice enough, although didn't have the tons and tons of interests that most guys have, which was oddly refreshing. he basically liked going out for dinner to different places and had travelled extensively. at that point, i could've taken it or left it. then, i opened up his backstage pictures. holy F, is he hot. blue, blue eyes, dark curly hair. we'll get back to his looks in just a moment.

i immediately e-mailed him with my MSN contact information and i added him to my list of contacts, even though i'm never online to chat. i hate it; it's a waste of time. you sit there for three hours, typing, when you could easily chat on the phone or meet up for a drink. anyway, i made the exception for him because he's so incredibly good looking...and nice.

we had about three or four very lengthy chats, and each time it was really fun. he had good stories, remembered stuff i told him (although he could've been reading the message history but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt), and we had similar interests in things. he sent me all of this music he thought i would like and that he was into and most of it was really good. a couple of the songs he sent me have made it onto my iPod.

the last time we chatted, he gave me his number and i returned the favour by giving him mine. he had the flu. that was the night of my christmas party. i haven't seen him online since. i sent him a quick e-mail in the middle of last week, just asking him how he was. no response. i plucked up the courage and phoned him on sunday afternoon and left a voicemail. no response. so, he's either dead or he's lost interest. either way, i'm not sure how i feel about it (ok, if he's dead, which i hope he isn't, then i'd be sad for him. but you know what i mean.)

on the one hand, yeah i'm disappointed! we had good chemistry (well, it was over MSN which i don't think is the best way to judge but it's all i have). he's interesting. he's cute. he's funny in that dry, English way (he's a Londoner by birth but lived in the States for his adult life). he was in a very long term relationship but has been out of it for 2 1/2 years (i.e. he's ready...and hence why he's so hot but still single!). he seemed to be really interested in me and getting to know stuff about me. and then, silence. was it because i didn't phone him? he didn't phone me. but then again, he was sick.

on the other hand (and i hate to say this because i want to believe that it was him that i was really interested in), almost everything about him reminded me of my ex. his dark curly hair. the way he smiles in pictures. his sensitive yet no-nonsense approach to conversation (it makes sense to me, ok?). he's even a computer guy for crying out loud! in fact, the other day, i was thinking in my head, "i wonder if he is ever going to call me or e-mail me again," but instead of thinking his name, i thought my ex's name. bad, right? i know.

i'm telling you this now because after a week of not hearing from him or seeing him online, i know that ship has sailed so there is no possibility of "jinxing" it because it's already done. and even if it wasn't, he leaves for london on friday for a three-week visit home. and let's face it, he's here on a work visa. his project is done in february and he said that he's not sure whether he's going to stay on the west coast, although his company offered to pay for his landed immigrant status (he's a British/US citizen). his company has branches in NY and Chicago. he could move back there. why do i bother?

back to the drawing board.

pavlov

i now know why growing up, i was so miserable. my parents are no fun to be with when they're together. i got a call from the dad this morning, asking if i could drive him and the mother to the insurance place to get his car insurance switched over to his name. i asked him why he needed a ride. it was obvious he didn't want to go with her by himself.

we went to go pick her up and he was in good spirits. the minute we drive up to her building and he sees she's not waiting for us (even though she'd just called and he said we'd leave to pick her up right then), he immediately got irritated. she got in the car and said, "hello" to him. he grunted. i thought, "WTF have i gotten myself into?" i was so cranky the whole trip and it was a total of about 15 minutes. my mom decided to walk home in the rain. not that it was far but i'm sure she didn't want to be anywhere near him. he perked right up after she left.

i cannot believe the two of them survived being married to each other for 30 years. what were they thinking? if they can survive that kind of emotional punishment, they can survive just about anything.

holy F, no wonder i'm happier being alone. i don't ever want to deal with a partner who is anything like either of them. miserable, miserable.

on a happier note, last night, very impromptu, i decided to go to the new west bar association Christmas dinner. i'm not a member nor do i attend meetings but Sam's always on me to come and join them and so last night, i did. i did know a few people there so it wasn't completely uncomfortable and since i haven't been out in awhile, i chatted quite amiably with my table-mates (only two of the eight i actually knew). i only planned to stay for dinner but ended up closing the place down. the dancing was so much fun - as much as last week's dancing was fun, there is something to be said about a DJ that knows the right songs to play to get people to dance. and, he played "Thriller" for me! to top it all off, it was held at the Hart House in Deer Lake Park, which is this beautiful old tudor-style mansion-turned-restaurant. i didn't to see the entire restaurant but what i did see was so quaint and so nice.

a side note - i think there is something going on with Sam and the Ninja. not anything like their previous relationship but it's obvious that feelings are still there (when the DJ played "Dancing Queen", Sam yelled out, "FUCK ABBA!", obviously because the Ninja loves ABBA). she had asked him to get people from the firm to come out to the dinner and asked him to ask me to come but he never mentioned anything and when i confronted him about it later, he said, "oh, are you going to go?" things aren't going as planned with her and her new love so i think she's regressing (is that a word? it looks funny) back to her old one. i'd rather have her be with the Ninja but he's got get his act together.

my dad and i just finished hanging my Christmas lights. they look so nice! actually, my place is starting to come together slowly. of course, it will never look the way i want it to because i would have to get rid of all of my junk before that happened. i wonder if that chest of drawers is still at that little store on columbia. i might check it out tomorrow.

but really, i should buy a dining room table first.

the season

we had the firm Christmas party last night. the skit was a hit. i was so happy. i mean, you know how i get about creative things like this - i start to get really possessive of my work and i get "uncomfortable" when my cohorts in the execution want to change things once i've gotten everything the way i want it. ok, i'm a bit of a control freak, which is why i don't like to spearhead these sorts of things. a friend of mine was giving me shit for being so secretive, calling me a snob and ridiculous for wanting to keep it secret. i finally said to her in mid-whine, "oh, get over it! you can't always get what you want when you want it. i'm not your husband." that shut her up.

the beginning of the day was rough. Jax had sent out the e-mail to all participants about what they were being asked to do. the General sent her one back that said, "you've got to be kidding me." and A was being such a grump about it. for someone who is always on me to participate and have fun, she certainly wasn't happy about doing the skit. and she's an amateur ballroom dancer anyway but she refused to dance. oy. i had another girl playfully threatening me all day with revenge next year (her dance with one of the partners turned out to be my favorite, although i'm not sure that the traditional chacha has pole dancing in it but it was funny!).

no one really knew what was going to happen when we assembled. we handed out my professional pamphlets, with judges' bios and descriptions of the dance and what to look for, and set up my powerpoint slide show. all in all, the dances were entertaining, the judges' comments were really good, and everyone was laughing. really, that's all i wanted.

then, we got our Christmas gifts from the partners to the staff. last year, we got these beautiful cuff-style silver bracelets with a native animal picture engraved into it. this year, we got $125 gift certificates to Spa Utopia. let's just say, all the women were going crazy. it was a very nice gift!

we went to this little italian restaurant for dinner and dancing. dinner was good but i had a big bowl of pasta for lunch (not intentional - i went out for lunch the day before and left my lunch from home in the fridge) so i wasn't really hungry. but there was a cheesy italian trio playing everything from italian polkas to billie jean. it was so much fun. i danced with the General - i don't think i could've gotten out of it politely but it was fine. i tend to like to lead so it was hard just letting him lead me because surprisingly, he wasn't a strong lead. i've danced with guys who know how to lead and it just makes you want to follow. it was a lot of fun. i hope we go somewhere with dancing next year too.

well, the snow has finally let up, the streets are now safer to drive so i'm heading off to find me some Christmas decorations!

snow day

it's snowing. it's been snowing since yesterday afternoon. and it hasn't stopped. i may not all have stuck but it's still snowing. unbelieveable.

it was a lazy day today. i had every intention of cleaning my apartment and doing some winter cleaning but my back still hurts and i spent most of the day writing and preparing the slide show for the skit on friday. it looks quite good, although i wish we had better pictures for some people.

i finally turned on the tv at 8 to flip around, maybe watch a CSI if it was on or maybe watch one of the DVDs i borrowed from the library last week when all of a sudden, on the CBC, i saw that "love, actually" was playing. i had tuned in just as the wedding was ending so i hadn't missed much. and i can't stop myself from watching it. i own it and yet i would rather watch it (again) on tv than watch a CSI episode that i haven't seen. what is it about this movie?

ah, i know what it is. we all know what it is.

google me

i just googled myself and i came up with a thread on a cannabis website. my full name and all. my first thought was, "WTF?"

it turns out, some pothead took offense to my letter to the editor of 24hrs newspaper this summer and cut and posted it onto this discussion thread. they took it slightly out of context, however. they seem to think that just because i'm defending the police for trying to keep the public safe that i'm also anti-legalization. dumb fucks. i'm only offended because some guy called me delusional. them's fightin' words!

basically, i responded to a letter from a woman who said that the police are wasting the public's money by raiding grow ops because pot smokers are peaceful and would never hurt anyone. i responded with a, "yes, you're right. pot smokers probably couldn't stay upright long enough to hurt anyone. but the ultimate suppliers i.e. the grow operators and not the dealers) employ many methods of protection to keep their investments safe - vicious dogs, guards who assault people and people that use guns." (i was much more eloquent in my actual letter but you get my point)

i will return the guy's favor by posting his letter that he sent but obviously didn't get printed (maybe because he was high when he wrote it or maybe because he can't spell):

dear editors, your email writer, makes the case herself. We should legalize and end all the harm and costs. unfortunately your writer is delusional as her world doesn't really exist out side of her mind. you have a better chance of being harmed by the machinery of prohibition (police, jail, stigma, lost assets, lost job, etc) than you do from some anti-prohibitionists protection scheme , that harms only robbers of their products. there are no drive-by shootings at liquor stores because they are protected by the police force we all pay for. its too bad we are not all afforded the same rights in this country. NO DRUGS ARE SOLD AT GUN POINT THEY ARE VOLUNTEERINGLY RECEIVED some of your readers were spoiled, self centered, tattal-tailing children as they grew up and it seems they are the same as adults.

i'm not sure which world he is speaking of when he says my world doesn't really exist. does he mean the world of grow ops and the means operators take to protect them? i worked with freaking Crown for four years and i can tell you that my world does exist and there are color pictures to prove it. i concede that his world also exists but, quite obviously, in a cloud of second-hand smoke.

when will we learn?

i got a phone call today at work from a friend of mine. i was a bit surprised to hear from her as she doesn't often call me. whenever we get together, it's always fun, but she often does things with her boyfriend and their couple friends. her bf is actually how i met her - we used to work together. they are the ones i cat-sat for when i was staying in yaletown.

anyway, she said, "so you know we broke up..." my jaw dropped. this is the couple i ... nay, everyone ... thought were literally created for each other. the couple that was always stealing kisses and holding hands and making faces at each other. they bought their apartment together three years ago. they went to jamaica earlier this year and they just got back from a month-long jaunt in europe. and she kicked his ass out of their apartment friday after last. WTF?

we had a three-hour long coffee together after work. she seemed very together but obviously needed to vent. so i let her. i didn't say much (she said it all) and i learned a lot of things i didn't know. for one, i always thought he was loving and caring and totally spoiled her. she says he ruined their europe trip (where she celebrated her 30th birthday) by being sullen and grumpy. for her birthday, he complained about everything they did and didn't even give her a gift or anything to unwrap when she woke up. despite what i ... nay, everyone! ... thought, they only have sex once a month and it's only because she has to ask him for it.

i feel bad because i was going to tell her about my observations at new years (when he was grinding with another friend of ours) but i didn't have to - the other couple we were with told her about it. and after she broke up with him (after, not the cause of the breakup), he told her he cheated on her a year and a half ago. they broke up the friday before last and he tolder her about his infidelities just this past saturday. how hurtful can you be?

she sat there for three hours, rhetorically asking me how she could've been such a fool. we all know why. i know why i was such a fool for my ex and i know why she was such a fool for hers.

you believe he is going to become something better than what he is. you believe that if you love him enough, if you give him what he wants (sex, space, attention, gifts, or what have you), that your over-compensation will make up for his lack of trying and that he will change for you. you blame yourself for the troubles in the relationship when he had just as much to do with it as you did. you hope that he doesn't really mean it when he says he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have children. you take it as a good sign that he wants to move in together and make financial commitments with you (i.e. buying a place together, taking big vacations).

i think the problem with relationships is that women tend to live in the future while men live in the present. if you're not in the same place to begin with, how can you get anywhere together?

breakups are hard. they suck, actually. i think my reluctance to connect with anyone in the past six years has something to do with the fact that i don't think i could take another big breakup if it came down to that. the last one sucked the soul out of me. i feel bad for what happened with my friends and, despite witnessing his indiscretions, i was shocked to hear they had actually split up. i won't take sides; i don't hate him for what he's done to her because he's suffering in his own way. he's an ass. he's a jerk. he's a fool (he said the sex wasn't even worth it - i say, if you're going to fuck up your relationship, go big!). but she chose to ignore her intuition.

and in the immortal words of shakespeare (or was it marvin gaye?), "it takes two, baby. me and you."

parachuting rodentia

everyone left at 4 a.m. i finally dragged my ass out of bed at almost 11 this morning.

the sprinkler guys (the first one) came by at about noon today. unannounced. they came in and assessed the situation. it looks like some sort of small animal chewed through the sprinkler pipe. i told them i heard scurrying in the ceiling about a week ago and i guess this is the product.

at this point, they need to let the glue dry for a full 24 hours so one sprinkler guy is coming back tomorrow at lunch time to test the sprinkler again. but that doesn't change the fact that there is a hole in my bathroom ceiling and a potential rodent running around that could fall through it!

i will hope that nothing happens and that whatever critter that chewed through the pipe has now moved on.

what bothers me most is that, while i have experience with squirrels in the attic, the sprinkler guy said that the teethmarks were too small and it was probably a mouse.

EEEEEEEEK!

there's a hole in my ceiling....

dear liza, dear liza.

it's 2:30 in the morning and i'm still awake. it all started when my downstairs neighbour knocked at my door at 11 pm. he asked if my suite was leaking - maybe i left the tap running, maybe the tub was overflowing. i said no, not that i knew of. he thanked me and went away.

i went into my bathroom and there were droplets of water on the toilet seat. odd. i listened and could hear water flowing but i couldn't determine from where. odder. i looked up at the ceiling and saw two large, dark spots on the ceiling. oddest. i took my step ladder and touched the ceiling. wet. i bumped the cover of the bathroom fan and water spilled out. oh, sheeeeeit.

i called my property manager and since about 11:30, i've had no less than six different men in and out of my apartment. and not in a good way.

it's 2:30 (as i've said but i'm very tired now) and the plumber is still in the bathroom with buckets to catch the spraying water (they punched a hole in the ceiling to confirm that it's not a plumbing problem but in fact, a sprinkler problem. the sprinkler guy was the first one to get here and he said it was a plumbing problem. of course.). i'm waiting for the sprinkler guy, who phoned about 45 minutes ago and is still not here which leads me to believe i'm going to be awake for a long time.

to top it all off, the main plumber guy (a nice looking guy named Nick - of course) said to me, "oh, this building is not good. always problems." oy, now you tell me!

WTF. i just want to go to sleep. i've already finished my book and now i just want to sleep. i started reading dan brown's "deception point" last night and i finished it before the plumber got here. it was good. not "da vinci code" good or even "angels & demons" good but it was probably 3rd on the good dan brown books list.

all i can think about now is i really hope this falls under the strata's insurance. i know it does but you know me - worst case scenario, always.

are you flirting with me?

i know my problem now. i think i can recognize when guys are flirting with me but it's usually the wrong guys (and they're not flirting).

yesterday, the telephone guy finally came in to install the microfilter for my phone line. my buzzer still doesn't seem to work but that's not his fault. anyway, i run downstairs to open the door for him and, lucky for me, he's kind of cute in a skateboardy-geeky sort of way. we seem to have a moment when he walks in the door - our eyes meet and there's some sort of mutual thing. anyway, we spend the next 15 minutes wandering my building trying to find the phone room. luckily for us, we run into a guy who used to be on council and he points us in the right direction. BTW, had we just continued wandering, we never would've found it. but i digress...

anyway, we chat as he's installing the filter (it's obvious he's married because of the ring) - he talks about his little girls and the family's upcoming trip to hawaii in the new year (they went last year and the year before and his wife doesn't work - i'm so in the wrong profession). once he's installed the microfilter in the telephone room, he says he needs to come up to my suite to install something else (cue the 70s porn music...)

anyway, he actually did have to install a double line (could sound dirty but it wasn't). after he was done, we stood in my kitchen chatting about the merits of the BlackBerry (he saw my BB on my counter and picked it up). when he left, he gave me a smile, a fleeting look and said, "see ya later."

why is it so much easier to flirt with guys that aren't available and/or don't want anything to do with me than it is to flirt with guys who are available and/or do want something to do with me?

ah, the age-old question.

incidentally, i've discovered that every second wednesday of the month at the paramount theatre downtown they have an event called "click at a flick", hosted by lavalife and it's where singles 19 - 34 come to mingle and watch a movie - all for the price of admission. the next event is this coming wednesday but the movie is "the prestige", which i've already seen. strange because in calgary and toronto where this is also taking place, they are showing "stranger than fiction" which i want to see and haven't. why would they have different movies? is vancouver that far behind? anyway, i liked the movie but not enough to see it twice in the theatre...maybe. :)

disturbances in the force

i had a dream the other night about my ex-boyfriend. you know, the one that broke my heart and left me a shell of the person i used to be (ok, i left him and i'm actually a better person than i was when i was with him - most of the time, anyway). it was an odd dream. here's the gist of what i remember:

i was going to e-mail him or phone him to ask him what the scoop was - were we getting back together? were we just going to be friends? were we going our separate ways? i remember that the reason i was going to do this was because we had been hanging out occasionally, not doing anything in particular but just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. he was giving me mixed signals and i wanted to confront him about it because, as we know, i hate mixed signals. but i woke up before i did anything about it. it left me feeing rather empty.

the other disturbance i've had this week was a disturbing conversation with my mother. over lunch the other day, she told me she was going to give me power of attorney and get her affairs in order because - get this - she honestly thinks my dad might kill her because of the disruption her leaving him has made in his life. repressed anger and all of that.

she said that over the years, when she watches the news or reads the paper about an ordinary guy who kills is wife in cold blood and the neighbours describe him as, "a nice guy - quiet, kept to himself - but nothing out of the ordinary", she sees my dad.

now, i understand that she knows him better than i do but at the same time, i think i know him too and i don't think he's going to kill her. i mean, she seriously thinks that he will snap and murder her during a heated argument. she told her sister this and now her sister wants her to take extra precautions to keep herself safe (NB. they are both chronic over-reactors so putting them together just makes it worse).

am i wrong to think she's a bit crazy? admittedly, my dad is very introverted but at the same time, i don't think he's a sociopath (which is how she's described him in the recent past). i just think he hates her.

am i wrong to be insulted that she's speaking about my father like this? when my dad was looking for a new place, he made an offer on this apartment on 12th street, which happens to be along the hooker stroll. my mom says to me, laughingly, "well, at least he won't have to go far!" when i admonish her with a, "mom!", she laughs harder and says, "what? you don't think your dad would use one? you'd be surprised!" and i got mad at her and said, "look, just because you don't want anything to do with him anymore doesn't mean you can speak about him like that to me. he's my DAD." she shut up after that.

you know, we moved to the gawd-awful suburbs because my mom wanted to live in a place where my brother would grow up surrounded by families in the neighbourhood that we all knew and all socialized with, etc. she constantly criticized my dad for being anti-social. and yet, my dad knew every other dad in the neighbourhood by name. he helped out the neighbours with gardening or gutter cleaning, even though his 60 year-old back was much worse than their 40-something backs. he would stand in the cul-de-sac and chat away with the neighbours while he gardened or mowed the lawn. my mom didn't even recognize our next door neighbour when he walked by her at london drugs and said hello. she only recognized him when she saw his daughter, who often played with my brother. she avoided saying hello to any of the neighbours if she could help it. and my dad is anti-social?

through months of therapy, i've come to realize that my mom wasn't always the bad-guy in the marriage. in fact, a lot of the blame can be put on my dad. i've also come to understand why my mom is the way she is. but my mom's no angel either and the dirty halo is very apparent when she starts to criticize people for faults she's got the market cornered on.

parents!

i'm weak

i can't help it. i wish i could. really, i do. it would make my life a lot less overwrought.

square one.

drafting

so, i'm finally getting to draft a real agreement, using real clauses for real people. the catch? it's my parents' separation agreement.

my mom pulled this precedent off the internet and filled in the blanks (shudder, i know!). unbeknownst to her, my dad asked me to come over and read it to see if it was okay. i read it over and asked him if he was happy with the terms. he said his usual, "i don't care, i just want this over with," and the proceeded to go on a rant about how my mom was trying to screw him financially. oy.

yesterday, my mom asked me to read over the agreement and see if it was ok. i've spent the afternoon cleaning up the language, adding some general clauses, and formatting the document. it's in redline so she can make my suggested revisions or not.

the one thing i did have a bit of a problem with was what she was taking from the proceeds of the sale of the house. she gave my dad a bunch of advances from the eventual sale proceeds in order for him to buy and do some needed renos to his house. this was necessary because he doesn't have any money saved. my mom handled all the finances, including but not limited to the savings accounts, the chequing accounts, the RRSPs, and other investments. my dad has no idea about where his money went in the 30 years of marriage, just that my mom took care of the finances. he didn't have any interest in it. this is why i was so worried about him when they separated. sure, he had everything to do with the maintenance and running of the house but when it came to using an ATM card, forget it.

anyway, that's background. in the separation agreement, it outlined the advances made to my dad and subtracted them from his share of the proceeds. one transaction listed as an advance was X amount of dollars that my mom received as inheritance when her dad died a few years ago, that was put into my dad's RRSP. she's subtracted that amount (which is a sizeable amount) from my dad's share of the proceeds. am i wrong to be troubled by this?

the way i see it, she was in control of the finances. it was her choice to add this money to my dad's RRSP and not one of her own savings accounts or investments. i realize that it technically is her money but shouldn't she have thought of that, particularly since she's been trying to get out of this marriage for 30 years? and now she's asking for it back?

maybe i'm just feeling protective again. or maybe it's because i know that, as oldest child and the daughter, i'm the one whose moral responsibility it will be to take care of him if and/or when he needs money to live.

the selfish me wishes they had never split up so financially, they would both be sound. and i wouldn't have to worry about them. but that didn't happen and now i get to watch as their financial inequalities become more and more apparent.

i think it's all well and good to say we all make choices in our lives and we have to live with them. but as we all know, life isn't black and white. and it's hard having to see your parents in the gray (or in some cases, the red).

mentor

my friend Kimini e-mailed me the other day and asked if i would be interested in participating in the YWCA's highschool mentorship program. they are looking for someone to mentor a grade 11 girl who is interested in becoming a paralegal. of course, i said yes!

i've been looking for a new volunteer opportunity since i finished with my advisory committee. i actually looked into the whole mentor thing but assumed they were looking for more doctor/lawyer/entrepreneurial types so i never bothered applying. but this program seems like a good one. i spoke with the coordinator who seemed very nice. she explained some of the details of the program, including the types of activities i might want to undertake with my mentee (which included coffee and shopping, as well as seminars or field trips up to a school). i'm getting my application ready this weekend (including finding a current copy of my resume and getting criminal record check done) and there is an orientation coming up on tuesday that i'm going to go to. i think after that all i need is to interview with the coordinator and then they determine whether or not i'm a good match. i'm quite excited!

my grandma was taken to emergency at Burnaby Gen on tuesday night. she was in emergency until yesterday, when they finally found her a room (ridiculous, eh?). i went to go see her last night. she seemed to be in good spirits and very chatty. by the time visiting hours were over, there were about 10 of us visiting and we got a stern talking to from one of the other visitors her shared room. my aunt was pissed off at him but really, we are only allowed 2 people per patient! anyway, the doctors still don't know what's wrong with her. they are going to do some sort of test on monday (tube down the throat) and maybe a biopsy. she's 86. she's my only surviving grandparent and oddly enough, all of my other grandparents died in order of how well i knew them. my dad's dad went first then my mom's mom. my mom's dad and i had a letter writing relationship (he lived in the philippines) and it was very sad when he died. my grandma now is the one that lived with us when i was a kid and is the grandparent i'm closest with.

did i tell you that the girl we interviewed accepted another offer? i was disappointed but such is life. until then, my days will continue to be busy, which thankfully or not keeps my mind off other things.

he's out of my life

and i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

ok, so i won't sing the song. but today was my OC's last day at work. i stopped by his office on my way out, said my goodbye, good luck. i didn't bother suggesting exchanging numbers, as we know how much he uses mine, although he did say, "Baby Man has my digits and he says he's going to haul you into his office and you guys are going to call me every day."

i asked him if he was going to A's hallowe'en party tonight and he was vague. he wanted to take his god-daughter out trick or treating but wasn't sure what he was going to do afterwards. he asked me if i was going to and i said i hadn't decided but probably not. told him my cousin was in town and it was her last night here so i was going to see what her plans were first.

i told him to keep in touch - twice - and then i bid my farewell. i don't know if the saddness showed on my face but i guess it doesn't matter. he wouldn't have detected it anyway.

moving on.

possession

the General and the Ninja interviewed a girl for my job-sharing thing today. when they were done, the General came to my desk and asked me to come in and meet her. it was sort of weird but my curious self couldn't wait to meet her.

i sat down beside her and the General went over what the arrangement would be, mentioned that i would be doing most of the training and then he excused himself and the Ninja so the two of us could talk. she seems really nice and was more concerned with what i thought about the two lawyers we would be working with than what the workload was like. i asked her what they had told her about the way the work would be split and she said that she understood it as she would be taking instruction from me or the two lawyers and she didn't really mind from whom.

now, i know she's not MY secretary... but it's kind of neat to think i'll have help the way the Mentor does!

except, when i went to go tell the Mentor about the interview, she immediately said, "how come they didn't ask ME to meet her?" and then she started going on about how we should convince her to work on mondays (she wants to work tuesday, wednesday and thursday, which is just fine with me). i immediately thought, "i need to talk to our administrator first thing in the morning before they offer her the job!"

not your help, my help! it's not my fault that none of her lawyer's secretaries have gotten along with her. seriously, after awhile and after a few secretaries have passed through the office unsatisfactorily, wouldn't you start to think, "maybe it is me?"

she'd better not scare of my secretary! i mean, not my secretary :)

countdown

i'm sad he's leaving.

the e-mail went out to everyone late last night and by 8:30, it was the talk of the office. my receptionist said to me, "so, do you think you'll stay friends?" for obvious reasons, that question posed to me in that way by someone who cares about me hit me hard and made me very aware of the obvious. i said, "probably not. you know him."

in more amusing news, that courier that was going to ask me out but didn't was in the office today. i was trying to get information for one of the lawyers (not one of mine but i happened to be available when they couldn't find his assistant) and the Courier was dropping something off (it was actually for me but he didn't realize it). i was running past him down the hall into the waiting lawyer's office and was not really paying attention to him, except to ask him whether he had picked up my envelope at the courthouse library. we exchanged a few hurried words and then he said he'd go drop the envelope off at my desk. i ran around a bit more and when the heat was off me, i walked back to reception.

i said to our receptionist, "i'm sorry i wasn't able to chit-chat with the Courier more." she said, "oh, i don't think he minded. he stood here and said, "don't mind me; i'm going to stand here and watch. i'm hoping she'll run down the hall one more time." at least someone appreciates me!

anyway, the e-mail that went out said that they were all meeting for drinks after work on monday. and oddly enough, i can't stay after work on monday. it's not his last day but i guess because it's halloween on his last day, no one will stay. instead of sitting around with the guys, i'll be learning to cook with curries. fair trade? maybe. fated? probably.

i'm going to miss him.

under control?

i managed to control myself and only bought two pairs of shoes at the Ronson's shoe sale today! ok, only one pair i really actually "needed" (it's arguable that i need ANY new shoes). and i only saw two pairs that i really liked. the rest were not in my size... but still, that's pretty good! had i not had a course to go to at 9:30 this morning, i would've been in richmond at 8:30, waiting for the doors to open with my fellow shoe shoppers. there's always the spring. :)

gap band

as in, "you dropped the bomb on me..."

my OC pssted me into his office at about 5:15 as i was walking to the kitchen. i walked back and he had a big smile on his face. he motioned me in. and then he said to close the door. very, very unusual.

i sat down and said, "what's going on?" he smiled and said, "i'm off in 10 days!" confused, because he just came back from 3 weeks holidays, i said, "where are you going?" he said, "home." even more confused, i was going to say, "salt spring? victoria? greece?" but i just sat there with a confused look on my face and said, "what are you talking about?" he said, "i'm leaving the firm."

i don't know if the look of shock / disappointment / sadness / anger / disbelief / devastation registered right away on my face but i did manage to say, "what?????"

we talked for about 20 minutes about his plans and why he was leaving and what he was going to do. he said it's been in the works for about two months now. he's only told Baby Man and A (which doesn't really surprise me and really, there's no one else at the firm he would feel the need to tell...which i guess means i should be flattered that he considers me someone who should know before the general public knows. and now i am remembering a day when he had them both in his office, behind closed doors, a couple of weeks ago. it's all coming back to me now). his last day is hallowe'en. trick or treat indeed.

i let him know that i was not happy about him leaving. i also wished him well and congratulated him. he said, "for what? i haven't done anything yet." i said, "you're doing something that not a lot of people would have the courage to do." and he said, "what, be voluntarily unemployed?" and i said, "no, you're leaving your stable, bill-paying job to pursue something that really interests you. not many people would take that risk." he figures the General will send out the e-mail next week, probably monday or tuesday.

i'm sad but i also know that (and say it with me now because i won't hear it enough from everyone at work), "things happen for a reason and if it's really meant to be, then it will happen eventually."

not so thrifty

ooooh, i got my Amex bill today. i spent so much, they upped my limit. actually, compared to most people, i don't think i spent all that much but it's a lot to me. i am therefore grounding myself (didn't i already do this in another entry?). i am not allowed to buy anymore frivolous or unnecessary things until i've paid off the balance on my Amex. you heard me!

shit, i still have to buy a wedding present. sigh.

on a high note, my bellyaching paid off. i got called in to my administrator's office today and when i was off yesterday, a whole whack of meetings went on between various parties and i was informed today that my duties as a secretary will be limited to two days a week and my paralegal duties will be upped to three days a week. they will be hiring a secretary to come in on my paralegal days so she can do my secretarial stuff. she won't be my secretary, but she'll be working with me. awesome! i will now be able to bill without feeling guilty about it. i've billed a couple of things already but i tend not to, just because i get help with stuff sometimes so it's not really me doing the "thinking" part of the work. they are also taking away a lawyer from me, which i'm a bit sad about but i can't handle all three. it's ironic because he's the only one that really treats me like a paralegal - he'll give me overview instructions on something and just let me run with it. i'll miss the type of work he does - IP, bankruptcy (not so much) and estates. but, i had to sacrifice something.

A asked me if i was still thinking about law school. i told her it was on the backburner but at the moment, i'm so sick of school. i just want to come home and do nothing. although at the moment, i am doing some review of my insurance notes. not that i really need to know too much about indemnity with the work i'm doing right now. maybe when they hire the new girl!

a rainy day

nothing much to write about on this rainy sunday. i've spent the past couple of days helping out my dad with his new apartment. he took possession yesterday and moves on friday. so, yesterday we went to pick up paint and i managed to drag my mom into helping out. she didn't need much convincing - she loves to paint for some reason. my dad and brother had picked out paint chips from benjamin moore and then expected to find the same colors at home depot. took me a good 20 minutes trying to match up the colors they had chosen with the ones available at the store. he picked out an olive color for the master bedroom and this neutral tan-yellow for the livingroom. my brother picked gray for his room - carry over from his room now, which is dark grey with white curtains and his headboard is painted on - it's the Canucks logo. kind of cool but i don't think he's going to do it in this room.

so now i have paint all over my hands but my dad let me go early. he said he would finish up and then go visit my aunt who just had throat surgery. i went to see her last night. my mom had bought her flowers and reminded me twice before my brother and i left to bring them. and of course, i forgot them.

it is an ugly, cold, rainy sunday. it's one of those days when i just want to sit and read a book. so i think i will.

here comes the bride...

across the street from our office building there is a low-rise parking structure. atop the parking structure for the past few weeks, they have been building what looked to be a mini-golf course but what has turned out to be the set for the wedding of the Invisible Woman and some other dude in the Fantastic Four movie.

all of us on the south side of the office have been dutifully watching the filming of the wedding (we can't help but hear when they cue the wedding march) and seeing jessica alba in her wedding dress and that michael chikilis (or however you spell it) in his tux as the Thing. so cool! apparently, they are going to be blowing up the set after the wedding is done. hopefully during work hours so we can see. we need more binoculars. for some reason, we actually had a set of binoculars in the office. should i be worried?

speaking of worried, the Ninja comes up to my desk at lunch and says, "do you have lunch plans?" i said no so he asked me if i wanted to go for lunch with him. i thought for sure he was going to talk to me about something - work or personal matters.

we went for lunch and sat and ate and watched TV (he was hoping for baseball but no dice). it was awkward for me because i was expecting him to say something but he didn't. at the end, i realized he just wanted to go for lunch. i could've said to him, "so, is there anything you wanted to talk about specifically?" but i didn't. too chicken. i didn't want to hear about work or something going wrong in his personal life. not that he would tell me because he's more secretive than i am, not that i'm secretive but if i were, he'd be more so. so instead of having a lovely time at lunch with a friend and colleague, i sat uncomfortably chatting about mundane and surface things (which i hate!), waiting for something that never came. dumb.

O.G.

one of my unnecessary purchases of late was the DVD of "The Phantom of the Opera". i wasn't sure whether or not it was a good remake or rendition or whatever you want to call it but it was $7.50 at Target so i couldn't resist.

perhaps i should've waited until i was done ovulating to watch it because i cried through almost every song - and not just teared up but literally sobbed. and then, when i decided to watch one scene again to see if it was really the song or if it was just me, i started to cry again. oy, i hate hormones.

my administrator spoke with one of my lawyers today and the results were almost instantaneous. it was the Ninja, after all, but still... he sent me an e-mail that basically said he had a couple of files set for mediation that required some babysitting and organization and was i interested in taking it on? hell yeah, i said. ok, i didn't say that but i did say of course i am!

on a sad note, i have grounded myself for spending too much money on crap i don't need. i am putting myself on a strict budget for the next month so that perhaps...just perhaps...i may have enough credit available to buy some paltry Christmas presents for my immediate family.

i really do need another outlet for my blues and blahs.

let it go

i know you don't understand. the only reason i understand is because it's the way i've felt and dealt with things for my whole life. so let me just use this entry as a way to release, and not an information/advice-seeking/sympathy entry.

i feel that any attempts i've made in the past couple of weeks to reconnect with my OC (and they are very, very few) have been made simply because it's what i do. i'm not dating anyone right now, nor have i any interest in anyone but him, so i automatically focus all of my attention on to him, even though i know i'm done. i've barely spoken to him since he's been back - this past monday at lunch as been the most time i've spent with him all week. he seems to be really busy with work since he's been back and lately, i've been run off my feet so there are no opportunities to chat during the day. he hasn't yet deleted the e-mail i sent him just before he left for holidays, although he deleted all replies leading up to it. he hasn't even deleted the FYI e-mail i had sent him on tuesday with the name of a norse sea monster (one of my crossword clues he wasn't able to help me with). and yet, he's spent a lot of time with A (she's been calling him by a nickname lately - his name with a 'y' at the end and in a baby-voice...very suspicious and very irritating). he's been chatting happily with everyone else but he seems to be avoiding me (granted, i'm PMSing so i'm feeling very overly-sensitive about everything). he's been eye-flirty but otherwise distant. and i have been avoiding him and ignoring him whenever it is polite to do so.

last night at drinks, i was sitting in the boardroom with the Ninja, across the table from each other. there was a spot beside him, a spot beside me, and the two spots at both ends of the table. when we had walked by A's office, both A and my OC were standing at the window, trying to take a picture of the movie set that was being built on top of the building across from us. when they walked in, A sat at the head of the table between me and the Ninja and my OC forewent the seat beside me and instead took the other head of the table. so i stole his beer. he took a couple of pictures of A and a couple of me and A (candids) and then shut off his camera. more people joined us and we all sat around just chatting and drinking for awhile. i motioned for his camera and scanned through the pictures. they were of his trip mostly. they were good pictures, actually - mostly of people he was there with. the pictures he took at the office were all of A. when i gave back his camera, he took it, put in another picture card, gave it back to me and said, "do you want to see NY?" there were 13 pictures on the card, 3 of NY and the rest of a ski trip and i think his parent's place on salt spring. one thing we have in common - we like to take pictures of ourselves :)

i feel like i'm mourning the loss of something. i'm not particularly unhappy, i guess. i knew it wasn't going to work and i've been at it for more than a few months and it hasn't yielded anything but ... well, nothing.

i think i hope too much. no, i know i hope too much. i see too much potential in things and people and relationships. i can see that we have potential to be good friends but the fact that he doesn't seem to be intersted in my friendship is perplexing. i guess i am hurt by it. i'm a fun person! i'm less irritating than A and yet he seems to like her company better. i guess i just feel bad that things are going to have to change. interactions are going to have to change.

i was in Baby Man's office, actually asking him a question about work, and then i said to him, "has the OC been chilly lately or is it me?" and he agreed. we talked about it for the briefest of moments when his assistant, Yo, walked in. he said, "we're talking about how cold the OC has been to everyone lately." and she looked at me, exasperated, and said, "Oh, give it up already!!!!" i laughed and she laughed and Baby Man looked at the two of us, a bit confused, and laughed as well. i honestly don't think he's figured it out. boys.

i have so many plans. so many plans. i want to buy a dog. i want to buy a dining room set. i want to go to greece next year but i also want to visit my cousin in SF and my friend in NY. i know i have to save my money so what do i do? i bought 3 DVDs last night and then a skirt and top for work. i spent just a smidge over $100, which i don't think is all that bad but for someone who is trying to trying to save money, it's a bit stupid to do. but i watched all of the movies last night and i needed a new black skirt and this one fit well, which is rare for me.

oy, if i'm not eating, i'm shopping for clothes or DVDs. and if i'm not buying clothes, i'm buying food. i need a new outlet for my emotions. this blogging thing isn't working.

i did it!

i finally spoke to my administrator about my job and who i worked with and my unhappiness with the whole situation. i emphasized to her that i was unsure how to proceed as there were several parties involved and several different ways i could approach the situation. she was very understanding and very encouraging. she emphasized that she wanted to be able to come up with a solution from within the firm (i.e. she didn't want me to leave). she also told me that many people, lawyers and support staff, enjoy working with me and she was sure that the firm in general would be upset if i were to leave.... that was good for the ego and it made me feel like i had made the right decision to talk to her instead of just putting up with stuff and then finally losing it one random day.

i did manage to drop in two things: 1) that my problems with the Mentor were there from the very beginning; 2) i had been considering looking elsewhere (although i didn't let on that i had been at an interview in the recent past).

i don't want to leave. i want to have a place where i've worked for more than 4 years. i like the people i work with, if only on a social level with some.

speaking of which, i think i'm done with my OC. i know i've said that before but he's just been so distant lately (but friendly with everyone else) that there is no motivation for me to continue. it makes me sad. but life goes on.

i really, really, really, really, really, really, reeeeaaaaalllly want a dog.

quelle fromage

i just watched the new episode of CSI: Miami i taped last night. it was their 100th episode and OMG, i can't believe how cheesy the ending was. i mean, it was cheesy even for CSI: Miami. what were they all doing on the beach, anyway? and, judging by lack of clothing changes of the cast in the show, taking down an international counterfeit operation/open water gambling establishment, plus solving the murder of not one but two people took less than three, maybe four hours, tops. we need that crime lab working in NY and Vegas because at least on those CSI shows, it takes at least a couple of days to solve their crimes. oy!

had the hockey pool draft this evening. i don't even know who we picked but i teamed up with one of my workmates to lessen the $35 entrance-fee burden. my OC was there, but only for the pizza. he didn't even have any beer. and he was pissy today so i stayed out of his way.

am tired today. going to read a bit more of The Alchemist before i go to bed. bon nuit!

pangs

i was sitting in the lunchroom today at a table with my OC and another lady we work with. my OC was reading through the financial pages, i was struggling over my crosswords and the NAML came over to sit with us once everyone else had left. she knows about my crush and she's a bit of a talker so i was a bit worried about what was about to be said.

it turned out that the conversation was pretty tame - although she did press him about the wedding he had attended on the weekend, whether he had met anyone, why he hadn't made any connections there, etc. at one point, he had said, "i had a few opportunities but i didn't take any of them." she scolded him for not seizing the opportunity and asked him why. he said, "i'm shy. i couldn't do it."

then she started telling us about this guy that she saw on the way home on the ferry. she said to me, "i've never felt this way before but it was like love at first sight. have you ever felt like that?" initially, i thought no. and then she went on to describe how she felt, "it's like the minute i laid eyes on him, i knew i wanted to be with him. i felt completely drawn to him and i knew i just wanted to talk to him." it turned out she didn't have the guts to because he was with a group of guy friends but her description of how she felt hit home with me, and not in an unpleasant way but in the end, it made me feel really kind of sad for awhile.

i remember the first time i saw my ex. i was walking into the dispatch area to bring one of the dispatchers a note and he was sitting at one of the new computers, staring at the screen. i did triple take. and then i made every possible excuse to walk by him for the rest of the day. he didn't look at me once. the first time i ever exchanged words with him, i was covering at reception. i was on the phone with a customer and saw him from the corner of my eye, waiting patiently for me to get off the phone (i think i passed off the customer to a salesman pretty quick). i turned to him and smiled (maybe even managed a 'hi') and he said, "do you have any glass cleaner? i thought there was some in one of the cupboards up here." i managed to point to a cupboard behind me that was under one of the counters and he smiled and said thanks. i didn't even get it for him (but i got to watch him bend over).

yeah, i know that feeling. i'd kill to have that feeling again.

i gots nothing

i'm bored. but i'm not. it's a sunday afternoon and i'm not doing anything. this morning, i did some laundry and vacuuming. i watched the rest of a movie i started last night. i played some video games. i read a little. i wrote a couple of e-mails. i entertained the idea of walking to the library to drop off books that are due today but instead, i renewed them online so i wouldn't have to. talk about a lazy sunday. i don't even feel like walking to my mom's to pick up a cheque for money she owes me. (that's funny - money SHE owes ME. i shouldn't even ask for it back).

i feel guilty about not doing anything. i feel like i should be doing something and that feeling takes away from the sheer happiness i feel by just sitting around. total north american guilt trip. busy culture.

last night, my mom invited me to go with her and her sisters, my uncles and my little cousin (ok, not so little - she's almost 19) to dinner at a new "upscale, filipino restaurant." uh, huh. i said, "what's upscale about it? better karaoke system?" my aunt made reservations and they informed her, "we will only hold your reservation for 10 minutes. we don't want to encourage 'filipino time'." upscale indeed.

with some skepticism, i went. it actually was quite nice. it was situated in a mini-mall at main street and 25th, beside a coin-laundry and an insurance broker. not the best area but it's along a strip of main street that has a lot of little, independent eateries so i think it might be ok.

the food was decent. i avoided eating anything that my dad has made, simply because i already know my dad's version is better and i didn't want to be comparing it. the number of dishes on the table at any one point was a bit ridiculous but it was fun. i tried the pork skewers, the pineapple curried chicken (could've been much spicier but oh well), sweet potato fries, and the calamari. yes, i had squid, don't get excited about it. for those that are shocked, i do eat some seafood now, although i still draw the line at shellfish. ugh. and, i don't make a point of ordering seafood as a main dish, but i will eat it if it's at a buffet or as an appetizer.

the rest of the table was obsessed with this one non-alcoholic slushy drink called the calamansi and honey slushy. my cousin tried to convince my aunt to let her have the version with vodka in it and her mom refused. she retorted with, "it's only two more months, what's the difference?" i offered to get her one but she refused.

as for my favorite part of any meal - dessert - i had the dark chocolate sampler. it was a cake, a ganache and an espresso-sized hot chocolate. the ganache was out of this world. screw the sampler, just give me a huge scoop of the ganache!

my cousin and i had a good laugh or two just talking about CSI: Miami and horatio-isms. when i got home, i was almost desperate to see CSI. it was on TV but it was one of the old ones with speedle. i can't watch him.

i could tidy my apartment. god knows it needs it.

i went to my friend's wedding shower yesterday afternoon. man, she almost has as many cousins as i do. it was fun. i feel bad that i'm not going to her stagette next weekend but there are several reasons. she got a lot of gifts. now i remember why i wanted to get married in the first place. :)

cold

i just spent the evening with MGF. i met him at his office (i wondered about that, actually. i walked up to the receptionist and said, "i'm here to see Mr. MGF. i'm a little early, though so don't worry if you don't catch him in his office." and then i sat there and read my book. i'm sure she thought i was a client or something until he walked up to me with is bag and said, "what, are you applying for a job?" and then we walked out together like it was no big thing. the GF works there too, is what i'm sayin'). he was gruuuumppppy! he could've warned me. actually, the whole evening was rather sullen. we usually spend a couple of hours talking and laughing and trash talking and tonight was sombre, sad and almost sentimental conversation. i asked him how things were going with the GF (not that i really wanted to know but i thought i should ask - don't ask, it's a me-thing). he said they had gotten into a huge fight and weren't really speaking. apparently, she had done a lingerie internet fashion show on the weekend or last week or something and he tuned in to watch - bad idea. he told her that if she wanted to continue to do stuff like that in her spare time, then he didn't want to see her anymore. yikes. so, they are at a low point in their relationship.

last week, i was talking to Baby Man about how he though i could approach the whole "backup" thing with MGF. he said at this point, it couldn't be done. well, the opportunity lent itself tonight and i didn't ask him. i even asked him if he had a backup and he said that he hadn't thought about it. i told him i used to have a backup but i don't anymore. and yet i didn't ask him if he would be mine. maybe i thought it would be weird.

the weird thing is, i can honestly say that - as a friend - i love him. i value his friendship very much. and yet there is only, maybe 5% that wants to be with him in more than just a friendship. truthfully, i think we'd be great together and yet there's something missing. anyway.

on another (sad) note, my OC is back from his holidays. he was very tired as he just got in last night so perhaps i should give him the benefit of the doubt. first day back, lots of e-mails to catch up on, etc. but he barely acknowledged me today (except when i was holding the baby...one of the girls on mat leave brought her 4 week old in - again- and they convinced me to hold him. i don't like holding newborns as a rule but mostly because i don't like the hand-off, floppy heads and all. but he was just fine with me and started to fall asleep the minute i held him. but i digress). maybe i am over him. and oddly enough, that makes me sad.

on the baby-tip, Baby Man brought his baby man in one day and i was standing in the hallway with the baby - he was about 6 months at the time so he was getting to the "fun" age. anyway, i was holding him and bouncing him around, cooing, etc. just being the total dork i am with kids, and i happened to glance over in the direction of my OC's office and, even though i wasn't in his direct line of sight, he had obviously been watching me and had the cutest smile on his face (my OC, not the baby...although the baby was right there with him). he had that same look today when he was leaning over to look at the newborn as i was holding him. i think we'd have pretty babies.

but i'm not there anymore. and all it took was three weeks. i thought about him the entire three weeks and now that's he's back, i don't think i even want to bother anymore.

p.s. done with the online dating. did i mention that the last time i wrote?

giant leap

let me tell you a story.

first, some background: my friend asked me a few months ago if i could recommend a good divorce lawyer in town as her parents, who have been separated for most of her 24 years, have finally decided to make it legal and get a divorce. naturally, i suggested a lawyer at my firm but i wanted to give her a couple of other alternatives. so, i asked my boss, the Ninja, if he knew of any good family law lawyers (he doesn't practice it himself). he gave me a couple of names and then said, "Joe Smith - he's the one I'd use."

further background to my story... the Ninja has marital problems. serious, serious marital problems. i don't think he knows that i know, but i do.

jump to the present. the Ninja has been very moody lately - kind of sad, tense and a host of other emotions that i've picked up on. we Cancers are very sensitive to other people's feelings and his moods have been killing me lately. he's just been so sad. i finally asked him last week, "are you stressed?" and he said, "yes." and i said, "is there something i can help with?" and he said, "no, it's all self-imposed."

today, he sends me an e-mail and asks me, "does the firm get discounted rates at any of the local hotels around here? if so, can you find out how much?" he has no files that i know of that require clients or witnesses to be put up in a hotel. but then again, he lives out in the valley and commutes every day so i thought, perhaps, he was looking for an alternative to working late (as if!) and then driving home in the late hours in the dark.

the sealer of the paranoid deal for me was as he was leaving today. he said, "ok, i have a dinner meeting with the Board guy. can you do me a favor before you leave today?" dutifully, i say, "sure". he looks skyward and i swear his voice cracked slightly as he asked me, "can you e-mail me Joe Smith's number?"

holy F.

boys!

MGF responded to a harmless e-mail i had sent him on friday afternoon, after i had seen him at the call ceremony. he finishes his response with, "You looked hot today according to one of my friends. I told him that I nailed you, even if it isn't true - it's a guy thing, sorry." i had to laugh. we traded a few responses back and forth, mostly about whether his friend was hot and whether he was married. i kept pestering him to tell me more, send me his picture, etc. i don't know why i needed to know; i just did. at one point he said, "If it helps, I thought you looked amazing too." i responded with a heartfelt, "thanks, it did help." his final e-mail before i logged off today was, "If you're really thankful, you'll send me naked pictures. I'll be sure to forward them onto my friend. Ha, ha, hee, hee." boys.

however, he didn't specify naked pictures of whom. :)

maybe it IS me

i went out on a brunch date with a guy i met online. we've been trading e-mails for a number of weeks (a no-no for me) and finally managed to find a mutually convenient date for ... well, a date.

from his first e-mail to me, which detailed the recent breakup of his 13 year marriage, i had my doubts as to whether he would be someone i wanted to even meet. he's a bit older than me - he just turned 41 - which was also a bit of a concern. and if it wasn't the narrative of his divorce that put me on red alert, it was his mention of the fact the had attended several Tony Robbins seminars in the past few years. not that there's anything wrong with that. he's also considers himself a Buddhist (he's caucasian, not that there's anything wrong with that) and went to all events concerning the Dalai Lama last weekend or the weekend before. in fact, he was a few minutes late for our date because he had to run down to Wal-Mart to buy a VCR because his broke and there was a show on the Dalai Lama on TV today that he wanted to watch. ok. but, his pictures were cute and he seemed nice enough in his e-mails (albeit wordy), so i thought i would give it a shot.

the two voicemails he left me over the past week were normal. nice voice, didn't ramble. when i spoke with him on the phone on saturday night, he sounded fine. he almost insisted that he pick me up for our date (he lives in langley and we were going to south surrey for brunch at northlands golf & country club - home of the PGA tour, thanks very much). i told him it would be fine by me if i just met him there since it didn't make sense that he drive all the way out to pick me up, only to drive all the way back to where he started from. i think it was just an "old-fashioned" thing to suggest, which i appreciate, but i had no idea whether he was a serial killer or not. and then he kept suggesting that we go for a walk at the pier in white rock after brunch, if i was feeling comfortable.

i won't detail the date but i will summarize my thoughts - he's a really nice guy. boyishly cute, very successful businessman, seems very grounded, generally a happy person. yet he came across (to me) as a bit of a fruitcake (and not in the gender-specific way). it's not that he preached what he learned at his Tony Robbins seminars, because he didn't. it's not that he was loopy or did weird things at brunch, because he didn't. but the overall package... he was dressed in a hawaiian shirt, shorts, runners and white athletic socks...yes, pulled up. he pressed his hands together and bowed at me when i walked up to meet him. he was severely encroaching on my personal space, which he warned me about but i didn't realize he would be such a frequent offender. he did this weird sort of audible breath intake thing at the end of some of his sentences. he crinkled his face at me when he smiled after saying something about himself. and then he bailed on the pier walk idea (which was fine because i was going to bail on it anyway).

i don't know that he'll call me again and i don't know whether i want him to. he was a good hugger (he said i was too and went in for a second one, which i gladly gave) but i can't see myself as anymore than friends with him. not that we have anything in common enough to be friends.

i know i'm a little slow but i think i've realized why most of the guys i like but aren't attracted to are not my friends - we just don't have anything in common. it's arguable that i have anything in common with MGF, for example, but for some reason, we manage to stay in touch and fairly regularly. heck, i see him more often than i see my good friends from school. i wonder what the motivation is.

incidentally, i saw him at the call ceremony at the law courts on friday afternoon. i don't know that he was surprised to see me but he hugged me twice. he knows Baby Man (they said hey and shook hands). odd, because i talk about MGF with Baby Man. and it turns out they know each other. spooky.

serious mad crush

i just finished watching "House". how can an old guy be so hot?

my cousin says it's the character - the ascerbic, loner doctor whom you know has the capacity to love and be loved yet doesn't allow himself because he's been hurt so he dedicates himself to his work. i believe that.

yet, i saw hugh laurie on "Ellen" the other day and ... still sexy. i think it's the scruffiness factor too. and the british accent. and he's tall. and has blue eyes. and that one-sided half-smile. and he plays tortured so well.

the part in the show tonight where he's eye-flirting with the almost-18 year old girl... rrrrr. he can eye-flirt with me anyday. yow!

more flirting?

MGF and i have been e-mail chatting for the past couple of work days. i am only surprised because we never do it. usually i send him some sort of information e-mail and then he asked how things are, i tell him and then ask him how things are, he tells me and then suggest we meet for coffee. we figure out a date and then don't chat again until the day of, whenever that happens to be.

friday and then again today, we spent the whole day e-mailing each other. and again today, he says something like, "i would love the day when you call me and say, i've met the guy of my dreams - be happy for me. and truthfully, i would be happy for you and i look forward to when i can share that happiness with you." WTF?

i asked Baby Man what he thought of that and he said, in all seriousness, "he obviously cares about you and wants you to be happy, even if it means it's not with him." and then he said, "it's a good thing for you. i think you should go for it. get in between him and his girlfriend ... figuratively speaking, of course." then we started talking about my OC.

he and i had this conversation last week that turned to my OC's sexual orientation. Baby Man has come up with a plan wherein we will test his theory by me seducing my OC. my deadline is the Christmas party. i have not agreed to this plan...but i like it :)

handy woman

i fixed my oven lock. after some banging on the latch with the hammer and poking around the spring with the screwdriver, i finally decided to use the pliers and bent the damn latch up so the oven door can close. i can't lock it anymore but it's not like it matters - who's going to open the oven door if it's in cleaning mode?

hmmm

MGF and i had a bit of an e-mail exchange today, after i forwarded him an excerpt from an impaired driving charge defence. he asked me in a P.S. how things were going with the guy he dropped me off with the night before. i told him that i had ended it. this started our usual cheeky exchange but at the end, he said something something to the effect of, "i'm really sorry it didn't work out with this guy. i know you weren't interested in him but i was hoping he would be someone who would make you happy. i guess i will be your sounding board for guy problems for a little while longer." i know it sounds a bit backhanded but he meant well and i appreciated it.

in the midst of other e-mails, we touched on my project for him wherein i am to arrange a threesome for him (his GF has allowed him one freebie). this project, as we both know fully know, is a farce. it will never happen. but it's always fun to talk about. so i sent him an e-mail that said, "just out of curiosity, what is your age limit or do you have one? what do you think, maybe one cougar and one kitten, just for variety's sake?" he e-mailed me back, "i laughed so hard when i read the part about the kitten. so, are you the cougar then?" har har. i e-mailed back with a final, "i fancy myself more as the kitten - meow."

at least i've had some flirty e-mail exchange this week.

how am i supposed to cook?

i broke the lock on my oven door. i was making french fries and thought i'd try out the lock while i was waiting. it worked too well. something snapped inside and locked the door permanently. so i did some "work" and managed to force the handle back to the unlocked position...except the latch is still in the latched position. so, i can open my oven door but i can't close it all the way now. think about all of the wonderful things i am missing out on making because i broke the lock! i was going to try and make spanakopita this weekend. and i just bought two huge bags of french fries (2 for $8.00!). i loathe having to call a repair guy to come in and fix it but i'm sure it'll cost me less than buying a new oven, not that i can afford a new oven right now. not that i can really afford to buy the food that goes in the oven right now. i need to stay off e-bay.

stuck

how can you tell whether you're being too picky or whether you're just not attracted to someone?

none of the guys i've met and been out with this time around on my dating site have made me want to make any effort to get to know them better or want to see them more often than when they phone me and say, "do you want to get together again?" to be polite, i always just say yes, and then try to find excuses as to why i have to cancel at the last minute.

there have been ones that i've had a seemingly mutual interest in getting to know, but they never call when they say they will nor do they respond to my "feeler" follow-up e-mails to say i enjoyed our coffee. and it doesn't bother me.

it's like my ability to feel anything for anyone is temporarily out of order. but the guilt i feel for not feeling anything is still very much there. i don't get it.

like the guy i went out with after my coffee with MGF. he e-mailed me that night to apologize for the abrupt goodbye and told me that he wanted to hug me goodbye because i smelled good but he didn't because the train came right away and he realized that if he left right then, he could catch his bus home. he told me that he thought i always looked good (elegant and stylish is what he actually said). then, he phoned and left a message for me last saturday night, saying the same thing and also apologizing for putting me on the spot when he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. he is still on two other dating sites and he still checks them regularly (so why isn't he seeing anyone else??). on paper, a great guy - nice, intersting stories, polite, well groomed. but in person, a bit dry and doesn't really seem all that interested. i don't know. am i wrong for not being attracted to him?

is there something wrong with me for wanting more than what these guys i've been meeting have to offer? am i wrong for not giving them more of a chance to show me what they can offer? i've always been a big believer in the first few impressions but then again, i was wrong when it came to MGF. i never thought he'd want to settle down and that's why i stopped dating him and yet a year later, he's got a girlfriend and i'm still single.

i think i'll go for a walk tomorrow at lunch and smile at people. let's see where that gets me.

sour grapes

once again, i had a fantastic time with MGF tonight. i met him at his office (there was a misunderstanding as to where we were supposed to meet - he meant i should come upstairs and meet him at reception and i thought we were going to meet where we always do in the lobby of his office building. a mock argument ensued and a bet was laid. i think he was unclear as to his instructions but we'll see tomorrow.). we walked to his apartment because he wanted to change his shoes (they were new and his feet hurt). we got to his apartment and we chatted while he changed out of his work clothes (he always keeps the door open, the little perv). he suggested we go to McD's for ice cream. i jumped on that bandwagon pretty quickly. we walked and talked. stood in line and talked. i stood back and let him order, watching the cashier flirt shameless with him (in front of me, how rude!) while he was completely oblivious ("how many ketchups would you like?" moan, moan, wink, wink). we sat on the library steps, as we always do, had an impromptu picnic and people watched. we talked. while i don't know how the subject even came up, he complimented me on how i looked ("you look amazing today. black is a really good color on you."). then i mentioned to him that i had a date after i met with him. we talked about it and he chastized me for agreeing to go out with someone when i had no real feelings for him. i was thisclose to standing my date up and spending the rest of the evening with MGF.

he offered to drive me to the date because i would've been late otherwise (actually, he said, "let me drop you off where he can see me and you can tell him i was your 5 o'clock!"). as we walked back to his apartment, and i verbally agonized over why i was going out with the guy i was about to go out with, MGF said, "why don't you just tell him you met someone? tell him that you've met someone that you want to get to know better." and i said, without really thinking, "you mean, what i told you?"

as the words came tumbling out of my mouth, i looked at his face. he sort of smiled as he realized the truth to what i had just said but he didn't look at me. i tried to make light of it, laughed and gave him a hug as we were walking, and he laughed and said, "oh, don't touch me now!" i managed to save some face by saying, "well, i obviously picked the wrong guy back then, now didn't i?"

i love being with him. i feel we get along so well. i'd like to think that eventually, one day, we'll end up together but i don't think it will be that way. a combination of bad timing and poor frame of mind (the latter on my part) prevented us from forming more than just a friendship and i think bad timing and circumstance will prevail. i know it's not positive thinking but at this point, it's not going to happen.

c'est la vie. zut alors!

done.

i am emotionally burned out. i think that's the best way to describe it. i would literally like to just hibernate for about a month or two - no socializing, no phone calls, no chatting, no online dates, no going out. just me in my apartment, reading or writing or pondering the meaning of life. alone. by myself.

it kind of scares me when i get like this. i mean, i'm fully aware of it so it can't be all that bad. and it's not as though i haven't been on the phone or visited with my friends this weekend. but just the thought of having to converse and be interested in someone i know i'm not interested it - that takes too much energy. i've already let one of my online potentials know i'm not interested. i only have a few more to go. maybe i'm not ready. maybe i really am too picky.

there's this lady at work who has been talking about setting me up with her son's friend. i'm open to it but today, i asked her, "how tall is he?" and she said, "oh, not tall. average, i guess." she said not much taller than my OC, who (if he didn't slouch) is still only about 5'10". i responded with an, "oh." and she said, "oh, this girl. you are picky. no wonder you haven't met anyone!" that may be so, but i don't think that makes me wrong. i mean, one of the guys i'm "dating" right now told me how much he weighs. it turns out (although i didn't say anything but in hindsight, perhaps i should've), i weigh 5 lbs more than he does. that freaking sucks. perhaps that's when i lost interest. and i know that's not much but how many men do you know want to weigh less than their significant others? and how many women want to be physically larger than the guy they are dating? if that makes me shallow, then call me a puddle.

i hate it when they try to figure out everything we have in common. maybe i really don't like them but it just irritates me. i don't want someone exactly like me - i need someone who's different from me but can appreciate what i have to offer (and vice versa). great, you like to stay home and do nothing on your days off? that's a selling point, isn't it? you're really going to encourage me to be more than what i am.

fuck i'm cranky. i'm going to bed.

p.s. coffee with MGF tomorrow (assuming he doesn't reschedule again). i'm looking forward to seeing him, just not the date i have afterwards.

before sunset

there was a delightfully refreshing moving that came out in 1994 or 1995 called "before sunrise". it starred ethan hawke and a french actress/singer named julie delpy. if you don't know it, the story is of these two young people who meet on a train heading to vienna. she is on her way home to france from budapest and he is stopping in vienna to catch a flight home to america. after chatting on the train, he convinces her to stop in vienna and kill time with him while he waits for his flight home the next morning. she agrees. they spend the evening wandering the streets of vienna, taking in local culture but mostly, talking. i loved this movie because it wasn't your typical love story set-up. anyway, they part and vow to meet in vienna six months later.

in 2004 or 2005, they released the sequel to the movie called "before sunset". it takes place 10 years after their parting in vienna (while the girl doesn't look too much older than the 10 years that have elapsed between the making of the movie and the time in the movie itself, ethan hawke looks like hell - he looks about 30 years older). he is now a successful writer who is stopping in paris on the last leg of his book tour. she is an environmental activist who lives in paris and comes to his book signing, hoping that he will remember her. he does. they spend the movie wandering the streets of paris, talking about their lives since their last meeting, and what their lives would have been like had they actually met up when they said they were going to (he showed up; she had to go to her grandmother's funeral; he wrote the book about the night they spent together in vienna). i loved that they took up the story 10 years later, and 10 years after the last movie was released. real time, real aging (at least on julie delpy's part; what the heck happened to ethan hawke???).

i tell you about this because both movies were shown last night on tv, back-to-back. i didn't watch the first one (truthfully, i have both on DVD) but i caught the second one just as he was doing his book signing at the paris bookstore and he sees her for the first time. the first time i watched the second movie, i don't remember what kind of headspace i was in but i cried at the end - not because it was sad and not because it was happy. i don't remember why. so, i watched the second movie again last night because i wanted to see what would happen. and i cried at the exact same spot. and it wasn't a happy or a sad cry. mournful, i think would be a better description.

it's the part in the movie where jesse and celine are riding in the car, driving celine home on his way to the airport to leave her for the second time. they are finally talking, discussing, airing out their feelings about their parting and what their lives might have been like had they met up again in vienna like they planned. when i was watching it last night, i started to get emotional when celine starts to lose it slightly and starts talking about how much she's been hurt in relationships and how now, she feels like she's unable to really love anyone. how every guy she dates ends up marrying the next woman he dates after her. the last emotional straw for me is when jesse tells her about his marriage and how he's tried everything he could to save it and the only reason he's in it is because of his little boy. he says that he doesn't want to get divorced at 52 because he realizes he never really loved his wife at all. and then he says that his idea of romantic love was never the same after the night he spent with celine in vienna. that he's never been able to feel the same way about anyone since then.

this one scene makes me realize that no matter how well you think you've dealt with your emotions in the past, there's always something left over that is going to be tweaked by the most unlikely thing and you'll have to deal with it, albeit on a smaller scale, all over again. to write this entry, i watched the scene again. and it made me cry again. and as the movie demonstrates, memory and emotions are powerful things, even if you're uncertain which one is driving the other.

breakthrough

last night, as i tried to get to sleep with a million and one things on my mind, an idea for a story came to me. it was just the premise and i only managed to get the first two paragraphs written at 11:30 last night but it's something. i'm inspired. i'm writing again.

not in the mood for criticism

i just need a pep talk.

i'm sitting here crying (finally). part of me is thinking, "i don't understand why he doesn't like me." before you roll your eyes at me, another part of me is thinking, "you have no less than four guys who are looking to see you again. why are you so hung up on this one?" why? i know why. i just don't understand why. why?

why do i not believe i deserve better than my OC?

why am i so focused on getting him to like me (as a friend or otherwise) that i feel nothing towards these four very nice guys that are asking me out on second and third dates?

why am i not allowing myself to emotionally distance myself from him?

OMG, does all of this really stem from childhood? a psychological need to be accepted? i know i'm like that - but why am i making special efforts for him? i just don't get it.

if you are going to respond in an e-mail, then tell me something i don't already know about this stupid, emotionally one-sided situation i've trapped myself in. can't think of anything new? then don't say anything. just pray that i come to my senses soon. did i tell you that A has already moved out of her love nest and back in with her sister? it seems like the break has happened sooner than anyone thought.

i got three e-mails today from former co-workers, forwarding a memo from the big boss at the AG's office that paralegals will be "tested out" in an 18-month long pilot project. i also learned today that i am still being covered under my old work's medical plan, even though it's been at least a year since i've paid any premiums and at least three years since they have. it's almost like it's a sign: the mother ship is calling me home.

on a similar note, my Mentor said to me today, "they may hire another paralegal to help me and take on all of the Ninja's stuff." i just smiled and nodded but internally, i was thinking, "WTF? i'm a freaking paralegal and i work for the Ninja! why do they need to hire someone else? if anything, they need to hire another secretary to take on my stuff so i can start doing what i was trained to do!" mother ship, indeed.

strange things are afoot at the circle K. is it a full moon?

the blahs

is anyone monitoring the days i feel "blah"? it's starting to feel like it's more often, or perhaps the days are starting to run together.

it was one of those days when i stopped at one point and thought, "how did i get to work today?" i didn't feel like flirting with my OC. i didn't feel like standing and conversing at reception. i wanted to just sit in my chair and spin. i feel very indifferent today. like, if the world were to end tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to me. it didn't matter whether i ate or not. it didn't matter whether i went home or not. and even though my neck and shoulders are hurting again, it doesn't seem to matter if i get an appointment with an MT or not. heck, i'm not even overthinking anything right now. yes, indifference has set in, at least today.

i figure it's because i had such a busy weekend. i was non-stop from friday 'til last night. i don't even have the TV on right now. no music. nothing. i've been sitting on my couch, staring at the wall for a good 15 minutes. i'd actually like to go to sleep. maybe i should.

i don't even think crying would help. you know, sometimes you just need to cry. i don't even want to watch my sure-fire crying aid - imagine me, indifferent to seeing Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook". i can't even use exclamation points right now.

blah.

pest from the past

picture it: i was sitting at my desk on friday afternoon, working away. my phone rings. it's a transferred call from the switchboard. i have a couple of messages that i had left in the morning, plus one of my lawyers is out of town but in contact by phone. i answer and i hear, "hi." it's not a voice i immediately recognize so i wait a brief second for him to follow up with, "i'm just returning your call." he doesn't say it. i finally say, "who's this?" he says, "it's mike." i immediately think, "shit - is this greek-mike, hell's kitchen-mike or banker-mike?" a split second later, the voice registers in my head and i say, "Oh. Hi." i told you it wasn't over yet.

i was civil. i didn't get upset at him for phoning me at work and i even asked him how his new job was going. he asked me how i knew and i said, "the last e-mail you sent me had your work signature on it." he said, "oh, you mean the last e-mail you ignored and didn't respond to?" i said, "yes, that one." we didn't talk long and at the end, he said, "well, you have my e-mail if you ever want to say hi." i said, "yup."

when i got home, he had sent me an e-mail. it went a little something like this:

Thanks for taking my call. I hope you will read this and understand things a little more.

I wanted to tell you so many things before, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to do anything in my life, let alone include someone in my life. So why did I even start seeing you? I don’t know - I was selfish? The smart thing for me would have been for me to recognize where I was in my life and stay away from you until I had a clue what I was doing. And for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant to be aloof around you. I never meant to act as though I didn’t care or that you didn’t matter – because I did care and you do matter! I was just in the wrong place in my life and I was being selfish. Without a job, I was drinking way too much and carrying on like an idiot half the time. I had no consideration for anyone but myself and for that, I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to make you feel like a “doormat,” as you once said to me. You’re a very special person and you deserved more than I was giving you. I understand why you pulled away.

For the record… that is not who I am. I am not a jealous person – I never have been. I am a very caring and considerate person who loves being in love and spending a lot of time with the one I love. I wish I would have let you see more of that side rather than the ugliness.

Having said all of that, in the end I had extremely strong feelings for you. I still think about you all the time and it has taken every ounce of strength not to call you or show up at your door. I e-mailed earlier you because I was hoping you would e-mail back and then I could explain all of this. I am not trying to get back into your life, because I understand that that ship has sailed, but it has been killing me that I never got the chance to say what was on my mind. I understand if you hate me, but I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything and you really did mean a lot to me – even if I never showed it.

I would like it if you could respond to this e-mail. I am not looking to be exonerated from anything, but I do want to know if you understand. I’m quite sure you have already dealt with all of this on your end and I am sorry if I am bringing up bad memories. But I really needed to tell you all of this because the person you new six-eight months ago is not who I am.


And yes, I did send a response (just now):

i understood all of this a long time ago. i don't want to sound insensitive or clinical about this but it seems counter-productive and almost self-destructive for you to keep going over this, particularly six months after the fact. i made a choice to continue seeing you, even though i knew that you had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and that you weren't interested in anything serious. i made a choice to continue seeing you after you told me you didn't want to see me anymore....twice...in two months. i also made a choice to stop seeing you.

i know you think i hate you but i don't. i've told you several times in the past that i didn't hate you but it seems that you want to believe i do. that's your choice.

finally, just a comment about how you say that you're not a jealous person and you never have been. you are an educated and intelligent person so surely you must realize that how one person sees themselves is not necessarily how another person sees them. for example, i think of myself as shy and reserved. my close family and friends think this is bullshit and people that just meet me casually think i'm a snobby bitch. so who's right? a lot of experiences contribute to a person's opinion of someone else and i never met the mike that you know as the 'real' mike. there's not much that you (or i) can do to change that. it's water under the bridge. it's done.

i hope me answering your e-mail helps you put this whole thing behind you and i know you understand that by answering, it doesn't mean i'm inviting you back in to my life. this was simply for me to dispel any bad thoughts you might still have and to confirm that i think you're a good person and i'm glad you've got your life back on track. let's leave the past in the past and continue on our respective paths.

best of luck.

i was going to be a lot more abrupt. but i knew that would just invite a retaliation. why is it always the ones that aren't good (enough) for me the ones that chase?

on a different note, A, who just moved in with her boyfriend of 8 years about a month ago, is moving back home soon. when i questioned her about it, she said that they were fighting a lot more than usual and that it was time for a break from each other. she said this as she was trying to snuggle up with my OC at joey's on broadway. i met them for drinks on friday night. it was the Student's last day and that cutie friend of my OCs was there too. for a spell, i was sandwiched in a squishy, odd-shaped booth between my OC and his cutie friend, who claimed to have a paper route. we spent the evening chatting about his paper route (oh, he was totally bullshitting, by the way, but it was the conversation we chose to expand and embellish for the night). my OC's ex (of several years, i learned) phoned. i learned that he had recently lent her $500 because she's going to europe (and he booked the tickets for her) and that they are talking about being business partners. she's a fashion designer. i asked him if she was involved in the fashion expo at the plaza of nations this weekend that showcased new and upcoming designers. he said, wryly, "no, she's taking a more low-key approach to developing her business." they broke up december 31, 2002. he looked sad talking about her. i felt bad for him. but at least i have a little more insight. it helps.