i don't know

a couple of weeks ago, i received 12 free credits from my dating site to "come back" and put up another profile. so, i did. i used my 12 free credits (actually, i ended up getting a freebie so it was actually 18 credits) but none of the guys ever got in contact with me. figures.

this one guy who didn't send me a smile and didn't try to IM me sent me an e-mail with his backstage pictures and basically just said he liked my profile and would i like to chat sometime. i read his profile (his picture was hidden) and he seemed nice enough, although didn't have the tons and tons of interests that most guys have, which was oddly refreshing. he basically liked going out for dinner to different places and had travelled extensively. at that point, i could've taken it or left it. then, i opened up his backstage pictures. holy F, is he hot. blue, blue eyes, dark curly hair. we'll get back to his looks in just a moment.

i immediately e-mailed him with my MSN contact information and i added him to my list of contacts, even though i'm never online to chat. i hate it; it's a waste of time. you sit there for three hours, typing, when you could easily chat on the phone or meet up for a drink. anyway, i made the exception for him because he's so incredibly good looking...and nice.

we had about three or four very lengthy chats, and each time it was really fun. he had good stories, remembered stuff i told him (although he could've been reading the message history but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt), and we had similar interests in things. he sent me all of this music he thought i would like and that he was into and most of it was really good. a couple of the songs he sent me have made it onto my iPod.

the last time we chatted, he gave me his number and i returned the favour by giving him mine. he had the flu. that was the night of my christmas party. i haven't seen him online since. i sent him a quick e-mail in the middle of last week, just asking him how he was. no response. i plucked up the courage and phoned him on sunday afternoon and left a voicemail. no response. so, he's either dead or he's lost interest. either way, i'm not sure how i feel about it (ok, if he's dead, which i hope he isn't, then i'd be sad for him. but you know what i mean.)

on the one hand, yeah i'm disappointed! we had good chemistry (well, it was over MSN which i don't think is the best way to judge but it's all i have). he's interesting. he's cute. he's funny in that dry, English way (he's a Londoner by birth but lived in the States for his adult life). he was in a very long term relationship but has been out of it for 2 1/2 years (i.e. he's ready...and hence why he's so hot but still single!). he seemed to be really interested in me and getting to know stuff about me. and then, silence. was it because i didn't phone him? he didn't phone me. but then again, he was sick.

on the other hand (and i hate to say this because i want to believe that it was him that i was really interested in), almost everything about him reminded me of my ex. his dark curly hair. the way he smiles in pictures. his sensitive yet no-nonsense approach to conversation (it makes sense to me, ok?). he's even a computer guy for crying out loud! in fact, the other day, i was thinking in my head, "i wonder if he is ever going to call me or e-mail me again," but instead of thinking his name, i thought my ex's name. bad, right? i know.

i'm telling you this now because after a week of not hearing from him or seeing him online, i know that ship has sailed so there is no possibility of "jinxing" it because it's already done. and even if it wasn't, he leaves for london on friday for a three-week visit home. and let's face it, he's here on a work visa. his project is done in february and he said that he's not sure whether he's going to stay on the west coast, although his company offered to pay for his landed immigrant status (he's a British/US citizen). his company has branches in NY and Chicago. he could move back there. why do i bother?

back to the drawing board.