let it go

i know you don't understand. the only reason i understand is because it's the way i've felt and dealt with things for my whole life. so let me just use this entry as a way to release, and not an information/advice-seeking/sympathy entry.

i feel that any attempts i've made in the past couple of weeks to reconnect with my OC (and they are very, very few) have been made simply because it's what i do. i'm not dating anyone right now, nor have i any interest in anyone but him, so i automatically focus all of my attention on to him, even though i know i'm done. i've barely spoken to him since he's been back - this past monday at lunch as been the most time i've spent with him all week. he seems to be really busy with work since he's been back and lately, i've been run off my feet so there are no opportunities to chat during the day. he hasn't yet deleted the e-mail i sent him just before he left for holidays, although he deleted all replies leading up to it. he hasn't even deleted the FYI e-mail i had sent him on tuesday with the name of a norse sea monster (one of my crossword clues he wasn't able to help me with). and yet, he's spent a lot of time with A (she's been calling him by a nickname lately - his name with a 'y' at the end and in a baby-voice...very suspicious and very irritating). he's been chatting happily with everyone else but he seems to be avoiding me (granted, i'm PMSing so i'm feeling very overly-sensitive about everything). he's been eye-flirty but otherwise distant. and i have been avoiding him and ignoring him whenever it is polite to do so.

last night at drinks, i was sitting in the boardroom with the Ninja, across the table from each other. there was a spot beside him, a spot beside me, and the two spots at both ends of the table. when we had walked by A's office, both A and my OC were standing at the window, trying to take a picture of the movie set that was being built on top of the building across from us. when they walked in, A sat at the head of the table between me and the Ninja and my OC forewent the seat beside me and instead took the other head of the table. so i stole his beer. he took a couple of pictures of A and a couple of me and A (candids) and then shut off his camera. more people joined us and we all sat around just chatting and drinking for awhile. i motioned for his camera and scanned through the pictures. they were of his trip mostly. they were good pictures, actually - mostly of people he was there with. the pictures he took at the office were all of A. when i gave back his camera, he took it, put in another picture card, gave it back to me and said, "do you want to see NY?" there were 13 pictures on the card, 3 of NY and the rest of a ski trip and i think his parent's place on salt spring. one thing we have in common - we like to take pictures of ourselves :)

i feel like i'm mourning the loss of something. i'm not particularly unhappy, i guess. i knew it wasn't going to work and i've been at it for more than a few months and it hasn't yielded anything but ... well, nothing.

i think i hope too much. no, i know i hope too much. i see too much potential in things and people and relationships. i can see that we have potential to be good friends but the fact that he doesn't seem to be intersted in my friendship is perplexing. i guess i am hurt by it. i'm a fun person! i'm less irritating than A and yet he seems to like her company better. i guess i just feel bad that things are going to have to change. interactions are going to have to change.

i was in Baby Man's office, actually asking him a question about work, and then i said to him, "has the OC been chilly lately or is it me?" and he agreed. we talked about it for the briefest of moments when his assistant, Yo, walked in. he said, "we're talking about how cold the OC has been to everyone lately." and she looked at me, exasperated, and said, "Oh, give it up already!!!!" i laughed and she laughed and Baby Man looked at the two of us, a bit confused, and laughed as well. i honestly don't think he's figured it out. boys.

i have so many plans. so many plans. i want to buy a dog. i want to buy a dining room set. i want to go to greece next year but i also want to visit my cousin in SF and my friend in NY. i know i have to save my money so what do i do? i bought 3 DVDs last night and then a skirt and top for work. i spent just a smidge over $100, which i don't think is all that bad but for someone who is trying to trying to save money, it's a bit stupid to do. but i watched all of the movies last night and i needed a new black skirt and this one fit well, which is rare for me.

oy, if i'm not eating, i'm shopping for clothes or DVDs. and if i'm not buying clothes, i'm buying food. i need a new outlet for my emotions. this blogging thing isn't working.