stuck

how can you tell whether you're being too picky or whether you're just not attracted to someone?

none of the guys i've met and been out with this time around on my dating site have made me want to make any effort to get to know them better or want to see them more often than when they phone me and say, "do you want to get together again?" to be polite, i always just say yes, and then try to find excuses as to why i have to cancel at the last minute.

there have been ones that i've had a seemingly mutual interest in getting to know, but they never call when they say they will nor do they respond to my "feeler" follow-up e-mails to say i enjoyed our coffee. and it doesn't bother me.

it's like my ability to feel anything for anyone is temporarily out of order. but the guilt i feel for not feeling anything is still very much there. i don't get it.

like the guy i went out with after my coffee with MGF. he e-mailed me that night to apologize for the abrupt goodbye and told me that he wanted to hug me goodbye because i smelled good but he didn't because the train came right away and he realized that if he left right then, he could catch his bus home. he told me that he thought i always looked good (elegant and stylish is what he actually said). then, he phoned and left a message for me last saturday night, saying the same thing and also apologizing for putting me on the spot when he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. he is still on two other dating sites and he still checks them regularly (so why isn't he seeing anyone else??). on paper, a great guy - nice, intersting stories, polite, well groomed. but in person, a bit dry and doesn't really seem all that interested. i don't know. am i wrong for not being attracted to him?

is there something wrong with me for wanting more than what these guys i've been meeting have to offer? am i wrong for not giving them more of a chance to show me what they can offer? i've always been a big believer in the first few impressions but then again, i was wrong when it came to MGF. i never thought he'd want to settle down and that's why i stopped dating him and yet a year later, he's got a girlfriend and i'm still single.

i think i'll go for a walk tomorrow at lunch and smile at people. let's see where that gets me.