before sunset

there was a delightfully refreshing moving that came out in 1994 or 1995 called "before sunrise". it starred ethan hawke and a french actress/singer named julie delpy. if you don't know it, the story is of these two young people who meet on a train heading to vienna. she is on her way home to france from budapest and he is stopping in vienna to catch a flight home to america. after chatting on the train, he convinces her to stop in vienna and kill time with him while he waits for his flight home the next morning. she agrees. they spend the evening wandering the streets of vienna, taking in local culture but mostly, talking. i loved this movie because it wasn't your typical love story set-up. anyway, they part and vow to meet in vienna six months later.

in 2004 or 2005, they released the sequel to the movie called "before sunset". it takes place 10 years after their parting in vienna (while the girl doesn't look too much older than the 10 years that have elapsed between the making of the movie and the time in the movie itself, ethan hawke looks like hell - he looks about 30 years older). he is now a successful writer who is stopping in paris on the last leg of his book tour. she is an environmental activist who lives in paris and comes to his book signing, hoping that he will remember her. he does. they spend the movie wandering the streets of paris, talking about their lives since their last meeting, and what their lives would have been like had they actually met up when they said they were going to (he showed up; she had to go to her grandmother's funeral; he wrote the book about the night they spent together in vienna). i loved that they took up the story 10 years later, and 10 years after the last movie was released. real time, real aging (at least on julie delpy's part; what the heck happened to ethan hawke???).

i tell you about this because both movies were shown last night on tv, back-to-back. i didn't watch the first one (truthfully, i have both on DVD) but i caught the second one just as he was doing his book signing at the paris bookstore and he sees her for the first time. the first time i watched the second movie, i don't remember what kind of headspace i was in but i cried at the end - not because it was sad and not because it was happy. i don't remember why. so, i watched the second movie again last night because i wanted to see what would happen. and i cried at the exact same spot. and it wasn't a happy or a sad cry. mournful, i think would be a better description.

it's the part in the movie where jesse and celine are riding in the car, driving celine home on his way to the airport to leave her for the second time. they are finally talking, discussing, airing out their feelings about their parting and what their lives might have been like had they met up again in vienna like they planned. when i was watching it last night, i started to get emotional when celine starts to lose it slightly and starts talking about how much she's been hurt in relationships and how now, she feels like she's unable to really love anyone. how every guy she dates ends up marrying the next woman he dates after her. the last emotional straw for me is when jesse tells her about his marriage and how he's tried everything he could to save it and the only reason he's in it is because of his little boy. he says that he doesn't want to get divorced at 52 because he realizes he never really loved his wife at all. and then he says that his idea of romantic love was never the same after the night he spent with celine in vienna. that he's never been able to feel the same way about anyone since then.

this one scene makes me realize that no matter how well you think you've dealt with your emotions in the past, there's always something left over that is going to be tweaked by the most unlikely thing and you'll have to deal with it, albeit on a smaller scale, all over again. to write this entry, i watched the scene again. and it made me cry again. and as the movie demonstrates, memory and emotions are powerful things, even if you're uncertain which one is driving the other.