cold

i just spent the evening with MGF. i met him at his office (i wondered about that, actually. i walked up to the receptionist and said, "i'm here to see Mr. MGF. i'm a little early, though so don't worry if you don't catch him in his office." and then i sat there and read my book. i'm sure she thought i was a client or something until he walked up to me with is bag and said, "what, are you applying for a job?" and then we walked out together like it was no big thing. the GF works there too, is what i'm sayin'). he was gruuuumppppy! he could've warned me. actually, the whole evening was rather sullen. we usually spend a couple of hours talking and laughing and trash talking and tonight was sombre, sad and almost sentimental conversation. i asked him how things were going with the GF (not that i really wanted to know but i thought i should ask - don't ask, it's a me-thing). he said they had gotten into a huge fight and weren't really speaking. apparently, she had done a lingerie internet fashion show on the weekend or last week or something and he tuned in to watch - bad idea. he told her that if she wanted to continue to do stuff like that in her spare time, then he didn't want to see her anymore. yikes. so, they are at a low point in their relationship.

last week, i was talking to Baby Man about how he though i could approach the whole "backup" thing with MGF. he said at this point, it couldn't be done. well, the opportunity lent itself tonight and i didn't ask him. i even asked him if he had a backup and he said that he hadn't thought about it. i told him i used to have a backup but i don't anymore. and yet i didn't ask him if he would be mine. maybe i thought it would be weird.

the weird thing is, i can honestly say that - as a friend - i love him. i value his friendship very much. and yet there is only, maybe 5% that wants to be with him in more than just a friendship. truthfully, i think we'd be great together and yet there's something missing. anyway.

on another (sad) note, my OC is back from his holidays. he was very tired as he just got in last night so perhaps i should give him the benefit of the doubt. first day back, lots of e-mails to catch up on, etc. but he barely acknowledged me today (except when i was holding the baby...one of the girls on mat leave brought her 4 week old in - again- and they convinced me to hold him. i don't like holding newborns as a rule but mostly because i don't like the hand-off, floppy heads and all. but he was just fine with me and started to fall asleep the minute i held him. but i digress). maybe i am over him. and oddly enough, that makes me sad.

on the baby-tip, Baby Man brought his baby man in one day and i was standing in the hallway with the baby - he was about 6 months at the time so he was getting to the "fun" age. anyway, i was holding him and bouncing him around, cooing, etc. just being the total dork i am with kids, and i happened to glance over in the direction of my OC's office and, even though i wasn't in his direct line of sight, he had obviously been watching me and had the cutest smile on his face (my OC, not the baby...although the baby was right there with him). he had that same look today when he was leaning over to look at the newborn as i was holding him. i think we'd have pretty babies.

but i'm not there anymore. and all it took was three weeks. i thought about him the entire three weeks and now that's he's back, i don't think i even want to bother anymore.

p.s. done with the online dating. did i mention that the last time i wrote?