when will we learn?

i got a phone call today at work from a friend of mine. i was a bit surprised to hear from her as she doesn't often call me. whenever we get together, it's always fun, but she often does things with her boyfriend and their couple friends. her bf is actually how i met her - we used to work together. they are the ones i cat-sat for when i was staying in yaletown.

anyway, she said, "so you know we broke up..." my jaw dropped. this is the couple i ... nay, everyone ... thought were literally created for each other. the couple that was always stealing kisses and holding hands and making faces at each other. they bought their apartment together three years ago. they went to jamaica earlier this year and they just got back from a month-long jaunt in europe. and she kicked his ass out of their apartment friday after last. WTF?

we had a three-hour long coffee together after work. she seemed very together but obviously needed to vent. so i let her. i didn't say much (she said it all) and i learned a lot of things i didn't know. for one, i always thought he was loving and caring and totally spoiled her. she says he ruined their europe trip (where she celebrated her 30th birthday) by being sullen and grumpy. for her birthday, he complained about everything they did and didn't even give her a gift or anything to unwrap when she woke up. despite what i ... nay, everyone! ... thought, they only have sex once a month and it's only because she has to ask him for it.

i feel bad because i was going to tell her about my observations at new years (when he was grinding with another friend of ours) but i didn't have to - the other couple we were with told her about it. and after she broke up with him (after, not the cause of the breakup), he told her he cheated on her a year and a half ago. they broke up the friday before last and he tolder her about his infidelities just this past saturday. how hurtful can you be?

she sat there for three hours, rhetorically asking me how she could've been such a fool. we all know why. i know why i was such a fool for my ex and i know why she was such a fool for hers.

you believe he is going to become something better than what he is. you believe that if you love him enough, if you give him what he wants (sex, space, attention, gifts, or what have you), that your over-compensation will make up for his lack of trying and that he will change for you. you blame yourself for the troubles in the relationship when he had just as much to do with it as you did. you hope that he doesn't really mean it when he says he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have children. you take it as a good sign that he wants to move in together and make financial commitments with you (i.e. buying a place together, taking big vacations).

i think the problem with relationships is that women tend to live in the future while men live in the present. if you're not in the same place to begin with, how can you get anywhere together?

breakups are hard. they suck, actually. i think my reluctance to connect with anyone in the past six years has something to do with the fact that i don't think i could take another big breakup if it came down to that. the last one sucked the soul out of me. i feel bad for what happened with my friends and, despite witnessing his indiscretions, i was shocked to hear they had actually split up. i won't take sides; i don't hate him for what he's done to her because he's suffering in his own way. he's an ass. he's a jerk. he's a fool (he said the sex wasn't even worth it - i say, if you're going to fuck up your relationship, go big!). but she chose to ignore her intuition.

and in the immortal words of shakespeare (or was it marvin gaye?), "it takes two, baby. me and you."