disturbances in the force

i had a dream the other night about my ex-boyfriend. you know, the one that broke my heart and left me a shell of the person i used to be (ok, i left him and i'm actually a better person than i was when i was with him - most of the time, anyway). it was an odd dream. here's the gist of what i remember:

i was going to e-mail him or phone him to ask him what the scoop was - were we getting back together? were we just going to be friends? were we going our separate ways? i remember that the reason i was going to do this was because we had been hanging out occasionally, not doing anything in particular but just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. he was giving me mixed signals and i wanted to confront him about it because, as we know, i hate mixed signals. but i woke up before i did anything about it. it left me feeing rather empty.

the other disturbance i've had this week was a disturbing conversation with my mother. over lunch the other day, she told me she was going to give me power of attorney and get her affairs in order because - get this - she honestly thinks my dad might kill her because of the disruption her leaving him has made in his life. repressed anger and all of that.

she said that over the years, when she watches the news or reads the paper about an ordinary guy who kills is wife in cold blood and the neighbours describe him as, "a nice guy - quiet, kept to himself - but nothing out of the ordinary", she sees my dad.

now, i understand that she knows him better than i do but at the same time, i think i know him too and i don't think he's going to kill her. i mean, she seriously thinks that he will snap and murder her during a heated argument. she told her sister this and now her sister wants her to take extra precautions to keep herself safe (NB. they are both chronic over-reactors so putting them together just makes it worse).

am i wrong to think she's a bit crazy? admittedly, my dad is very introverted but at the same time, i don't think he's a sociopath (which is how she's described him in the recent past). i just think he hates her.

am i wrong to be insulted that she's speaking about my father like this? when my dad was looking for a new place, he made an offer on this apartment on 12th street, which happens to be along the hooker stroll. my mom says to me, laughingly, "well, at least he won't have to go far!" when i admonish her with a, "mom!", she laughs harder and says, "what? you don't think your dad would use one? you'd be surprised!" and i got mad at her and said, "look, just because you don't want anything to do with him anymore doesn't mean you can speak about him like that to me. he's my DAD." she shut up after that.

you know, we moved to the gawd-awful suburbs because my mom wanted to live in a place where my brother would grow up surrounded by families in the neighbourhood that we all knew and all socialized with, etc. she constantly criticized my dad for being anti-social. and yet, my dad knew every other dad in the neighbourhood by name. he helped out the neighbours with gardening or gutter cleaning, even though his 60 year-old back was much worse than their 40-something backs. he would stand in the cul-de-sac and chat away with the neighbours while he gardened or mowed the lawn. my mom didn't even recognize our next door neighbour when he walked by her at london drugs and said hello. she only recognized him when she saw his daughter, who often played with my brother. she avoided saying hello to any of the neighbours if she could help it. and my dad is anti-social?

through months of therapy, i've come to realize that my mom wasn't always the bad-guy in the marriage. in fact, a lot of the blame can be put on my dad. i've also come to understand why my mom is the way she is. but my mom's no angel either and the dirty halo is very apparent when she starts to criticize people for faults she's got the market cornered on.

parents!