pest from the past

picture it: i was sitting at my desk on friday afternoon, working away. my phone rings. it's a transferred call from the switchboard. i have a couple of messages that i had left in the morning, plus one of my lawyers is out of town but in contact by phone. i answer and i hear, "hi." it's not a voice i immediately recognize so i wait a brief second for him to follow up with, "i'm just returning your call." he doesn't say it. i finally say, "who's this?" he says, "it's mike." i immediately think, "shit - is this greek-mike, hell's kitchen-mike or banker-mike?" a split second later, the voice registers in my head and i say, "Oh. Hi." i told you it wasn't over yet.

i was civil. i didn't get upset at him for phoning me at work and i even asked him how his new job was going. he asked me how i knew and i said, "the last e-mail you sent me had your work signature on it." he said, "oh, you mean the last e-mail you ignored and didn't respond to?" i said, "yes, that one." we didn't talk long and at the end, he said, "well, you have my e-mail if you ever want to say hi." i said, "yup."

when i got home, he had sent me an e-mail. it went a little something like this:

Thanks for taking my call. I hope you will read this and understand things a little more.

I wanted to tell you so many things before, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to do anything in my life, let alone include someone in my life. So why did I even start seeing you? I don’t know - I was selfish? The smart thing for me would have been for me to recognize where I was in my life and stay away from you until I had a clue what I was doing. And for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant to be aloof around you. I never meant to act as though I didn’t care or that you didn’t matter – because I did care and you do matter! I was just in the wrong place in my life and I was being selfish. Without a job, I was drinking way too much and carrying on like an idiot half the time. I had no consideration for anyone but myself and for that, I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to make you feel like a “doormat,” as you once said to me. You’re a very special person and you deserved more than I was giving you. I understand why you pulled away.

For the record… that is not who I am. I am not a jealous person – I never have been. I am a very caring and considerate person who loves being in love and spending a lot of time with the one I love. I wish I would have let you see more of that side rather than the ugliness.

Having said all of that, in the end I had extremely strong feelings for you. I still think about you all the time and it has taken every ounce of strength not to call you or show up at your door. I e-mailed earlier you because I was hoping you would e-mail back and then I could explain all of this. I am not trying to get back into your life, because I understand that that ship has sailed, but it has been killing me that I never got the chance to say what was on my mind. I understand if you hate me, but I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything and you really did mean a lot to me – even if I never showed it.

I would like it if you could respond to this e-mail. I am not looking to be exonerated from anything, but I do want to know if you understand. I’m quite sure you have already dealt with all of this on your end and I am sorry if I am bringing up bad memories. But I really needed to tell you all of this because the person you new six-eight months ago is not who I am.


And yes, I did send a response (just now):

i understood all of this a long time ago. i don't want to sound insensitive or clinical about this but it seems counter-productive and almost self-destructive for you to keep going over this, particularly six months after the fact. i made a choice to continue seeing you, even though i knew that you had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and that you weren't interested in anything serious. i made a choice to continue seeing you after you told me you didn't want to see me anymore....twice...in two months. i also made a choice to stop seeing you.

i know you think i hate you but i don't. i've told you several times in the past that i didn't hate you but it seems that you want to believe i do. that's your choice.

finally, just a comment about how you say that you're not a jealous person and you never have been. you are an educated and intelligent person so surely you must realize that how one person sees themselves is not necessarily how another person sees them. for example, i think of myself as shy and reserved. my close family and friends think this is bullshit and people that just meet me casually think i'm a snobby bitch. so who's right? a lot of experiences contribute to a person's opinion of someone else and i never met the mike that you know as the 'real' mike. there's not much that you (or i) can do to change that. it's water under the bridge. it's done.

i hope me answering your e-mail helps you put this whole thing behind you and i know you understand that by answering, it doesn't mean i'm inviting you back in to my life. this was simply for me to dispel any bad thoughts you might still have and to confirm that i think you're a good person and i'm glad you've got your life back on track. let's leave the past in the past and continue on our respective paths.

best of luck.

i was going to be a lot more abrupt. but i knew that would just invite a retaliation. why is it always the ones that aren't good (enough) for me the ones that chase?

on a different note, A, who just moved in with her boyfriend of 8 years about a month ago, is moving back home soon. when i questioned her about it, she said that they were fighting a lot more than usual and that it was time for a break from each other. she said this as she was trying to snuggle up with my OC at joey's on broadway. i met them for drinks on friday night. it was the Student's last day and that cutie friend of my OCs was there too. for a spell, i was sandwiched in a squishy, odd-shaped booth between my OC and his cutie friend, who claimed to have a paper route. we spent the evening chatting about his paper route (oh, he was totally bullshitting, by the way, but it was the conversation we chose to expand and embellish for the night). my OC's ex (of several years, i learned) phoned. i learned that he had recently lent her $500 because she's going to europe (and he booked the tickets for her) and that they are talking about being business partners. she's a fashion designer. i asked him if she was involved in the fashion expo at the plaza of nations this weekend that showcased new and upcoming designers. he said, wryly, "no, she's taking a more low-key approach to developing her business." they broke up december 31, 2002. he looked sad talking about her. i felt bad for him. but at least i have a little more insight. it helps.