baby steps

i'm thinking of moving. desks, i mean. it's a bit difficult to "get over" my OC when he sits ten feet from me. when he prints to the printer that sits on my desk. when he walks by on his way to the conveyancers. when he stands and chats with my deskmate but not with me.

i've been feeling oversensitive the past couple of days. he was standing at the printer yesterday morning and he says to me that his office is getting carved up to make room for the new meeting rooms and we start talking about the renos that are supposed to be happening. T interjects and says something about being within throwing sight now and he physically turns around, leans on the wall surrounding my desk with his back completely to me (we are in mid-conversation) and starts talking to her instead. my Trainmate walks by at this time and give me a look so i say to her, at a good volume, "how rude is he? look at him with his back to me. thanks for including me in the conversation." she started laughing, mostly because he had no clue that i was talking about him right at him. i was so ticked, i haven't talked or looked at him since.

i don't understand why i have to feel this way. i know it's not happening; i know he's not as interested in me as i am in him; i know it would be awkward if it did happen and didn't work out; and at the risk of sounding, oh i don't know, confident, i know i'm too good to be putting up with this shit. yet i do. i melt when i see the blue eyes and that boyish grin. i internally fall all over myself when he stops to chat with me (which is hardly ever but he did on tuesday for no apparent reason, other than to tell me his weekend was crappy). fucking ass.

i went out on another first date last night. he was so much fun! very reminiscent of my Guy Friend. we didn't just talk about surface stuff; we talked about some serious personal issues (family and that sort of thing), much like my first date with MGF. he's off to his brother's wedding this weekend but he' said he'd call me when he got back. we sat and talked for two hours so i do hope he calls. in the meantime, i'm going out with someone else this weekend. :)

BTW, the calendar has been busy again. i'd like it to be less busy so i can spend some time at home but it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon. and me with no money to actually go out. not good. not good at all. is it normal that my entire upcoming paycheque has been spent already, without any exaggeration? fucking strata. gadamn bank.

speaking of strata, these fucking people are driving me fucking nuts. what a bunch of whiners. if anyone needed a lecture about living in the present and working towards the future, it's these shitheads. get over the past, you political-wannabe, control-freaks, and start working together to make the strata a better place (who put on my rose coloured glasses?)!!!!!

hmm. still feeling a bit irritated by everything. is it a full moon or something?