epiphany of sorts

there is no magic to online dating, i've finally discovered. i think the idealist-dreamer in me figured that as long as i had a profile up that asked for what i wanted in a guy and in a relationship, i would eventually meet someone who fulfilled my wish list. i'm finally starting to realize (i.e. it's starting to sink into the thick skull) that online dating is not the answer to my relationship woes. since i started online dating many, many moons ago, i've had several first dates. several. lots and lots. i've run out of appendages to count the number of first dates i've had. but i could probably count on one hand (the one with five fingers on it) how many second dates i've had. in five years. not many. so what's the deal?

i've done the whole "online dating is too clinical and methodical" -thing. then i embraced the fact that online dating is really "just another way to meet people". and now, i think i really need to get out at lunch and walk around and smile at people. seriously. i think it's the only thing i haven't tried.

when i really am thinking clearly and with normal levels of estrogen (and testosterone, for that matter), i would really like to be in a relationship now. i'd love to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a couple of kids. and a dog. and a white picket fence (kidding). but at the same time, i really, honestly and truly believe that if i never find someone, i'll be okay with that. what's the saying? "a life without love is not a life but a love with no life is no love at all"? something like that. but it's true. i'd rather have a life with no love (i.e. romantic love) than a "romantic" love that was just there because you didn't know what else to do with it. i've been there and done that and it sucks. i've spent too much time in relationships that i was too scared to leave because i thought i'd never find anyone else. or that it was too comfortable to leave. or that i would just stick with it until i found someone else. so much time wasted, so much time spent trying to convince someone to love me when they didn't deserve the love i gave to them, so much time convincing myself that things would get better when i knew (not so deep down) that they would only get worse, so little time believing that i deserved better. so little. none, actually.

the idealist-dreamer me believes that there is someone "out there" for everyone. but the realist me knows that relationships are complicated and that i am still trying to carve out a place for myself in the world and perhaps i need to decide which one is more important to me. and, the guy for me might be living on the other side of the world and i may never meet him (which is why i need to travel more). of course, cynical me thinks that perhaps one of the several different guys that i have dated or been friends with or met but discounted, may have been The One, although at this time, i can't think of which one that might be.

i like to think that, outside my own life, i have heightened clarity of vision - that i can see life and the world around me from different perspectives and that i know that seeing things from multiple perspectives allows me to appreciate the complexities of people and life and situations. but it amazes me how difficult it is to step outside myself and sort out my own life. actually, i am able to step outside myself and assess my situation, life or what have you, from an all-points perspective (stop laughing). what i am not able to do is do anything about it. it's like i stand on the sidelines, watching myself make the same relationship mistakes over and over again and i'm helpless to do anything about it. i am emotionally unable to do anything about it. i hope too much. i dream too much. i'm too scared. i'm too emotional. i think too much. i don't take enough chances.

to condense a piece of writing by Nadine Stair (age 85) to really sum up what i hope to do with my life now, and not what i hope to do the next time around, "if i had to live my life over, i would take fewer things seriously, i would take more chances...i would perhaps have more actual troubles but i'd have fewer imaginary ones...."

here's hoping.