drafting

so, i'm finally getting to draft a real agreement, using real clauses for real people. the catch? it's my parents' separation agreement.

my mom pulled this precedent off the internet and filled in the blanks (shudder, i know!). unbeknownst to her, my dad asked me to come over and read it to see if it was okay. i read it over and asked him if he was happy with the terms. he said his usual, "i don't care, i just want this over with," and the proceeded to go on a rant about how my mom was trying to screw him financially. oy.

yesterday, my mom asked me to read over the agreement and see if it was ok. i've spent the afternoon cleaning up the language, adding some general clauses, and formatting the document. it's in redline so she can make my suggested revisions or not.

the one thing i did have a bit of a problem with was what she was taking from the proceeds of the sale of the house. she gave my dad a bunch of advances from the eventual sale proceeds in order for him to buy and do some needed renos to his house. this was necessary because he doesn't have any money saved. my mom handled all the finances, including but not limited to the savings accounts, the chequing accounts, the RRSPs, and other investments. my dad has no idea about where his money went in the 30 years of marriage, just that my mom took care of the finances. he didn't have any interest in it. this is why i was so worried about him when they separated. sure, he had everything to do with the maintenance and running of the house but when it came to using an ATM card, forget it.

anyway, that's background. in the separation agreement, it outlined the advances made to my dad and subtracted them from his share of the proceeds. one transaction listed as an advance was X amount of dollars that my mom received as inheritance when her dad died a few years ago, that was put into my dad's RRSP. she's subtracted that amount (which is a sizeable amount) from my dad's share of the proceeds. am i wrong to be troubled by this?

the way i see it, she was in control of the finances. it was her choice to add this money to my dad's RRSP and not one of her own savings accounts or investments. i realize that it technically is her money but shouldn't she have thought of that, particularly since she's been trying to get out of this marriage for 30 years? and now she's asking for it back?

maybe i'm just feeling protective again. or maybe it's because i know that, as oldest child and the daughter, i'm the one whose moral responsibility it will be to take care of him if and/or when he needs money to live.

the selfish me wishes they had never split up so financially, they would both be sound. and i wouldn't have to worry about them. but that didn't happen and now i get to watch as their financial inequalities become more and more apparent.

i think it's all well and good to say we all make choices in our lives and we have to live with them. but as we all know, life isn't black and white. and it's hard having to see your parents in the gray (or in some cases, the red).

mentor

my friend Kimini e-mailed me the other day and asked if i would be interested in participating in the YWCA's highschool mentorship program. they are looking for someone to mentor a grade 11 girl who is interested in becoming a paralegal. of course, i said yes!

i've been looking for a new volunteer opportunity since i finished with my advisory committee. i actually looked into the whole mentor thing but assumed they were looking for more doctor/lawyer/entrepreneurial types so i never bothered applying. but this program seems like a good one. i spoke with the coordinator who seemed very nice. she explained some of the details of the program, including the types of activities i might want to undertake with my mentee (which included coffee and shopping, as well as seminars or field trips up to a school). i'm getting my application ready this weekend (including finding a current copy of my resume and getting criminal record check done) and there is an orientation coming up on tuesday that i'm going to go to. i think after that all i need is to interview with the coordinator and then they determine whether or not i'm a good match. i'm quite excited!

my grandma was taken to emergency at Burnaby Gen on tuesday night. she was in emergency until yesterday, when they finally found her a room (ridiculous, eh?). i went to go see her last night. she seemed to be in good spirits and very chatty. by the time visiting hours were over, there were about 10 of us visiting and we got a stern talking to from one of the other visitors her shared room. my aunt was pissed off at him but really, we are only allowed 2 people per patient! anyway, the doctors still don't know what's wrong with her. they are going to do some sort of test on monday (tube down the throat) and maybe a biopsy. she's 86. she's my only surviving grandparent and oddly enough, all of my other grandparents died in order of how well i knew them. my dad's dad went first then my mom's mom. my mom's dad and i had a letter writing relationship (he lived in the philippines) and it was very sad when he died. my grandma now is the one that lived with us when i was a kid and is the grandparent i'm closest with.

did i tell you that the girl we interviewed accepted another offer? i was disappointed but such is life. until then, my days will continue to be busy, which thankfully or not keeps my mind off other things.

he's out of my life

and i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

ok, so i won't sing the song. but today was my OC's last day at work. i stopped by his office on my way out, said my goodbye, good luck. i didn't bother suggesting exchanging numbers, as we know how much he uses mine, although he did say, "Baby Man has my digits and he says he's going to haul you into his office and you guys are going to call me every day."

i asked him if he was going to A's hallowe'en party tonight and he was vague. he wanted to take his god-daughter out trick or treating but wasn't sure what he was going to do afterwards. he asked me if i was going to and i said i hadn't decided but probably not. told him my cousin was in town and it was her last night here so i was going to see what her plans were first.

i told him to keep in touch - twice - and then i bid my farewell. i don't know if the saddness showed on my face but i guess it doesn't matter. he wouldn't have detected it anyway.

moving on.

possession

the General and the Ninja interviewed a girl for my job-sharing thing today. when they were done, the General came to my desk and asked me to come in and meet her. it was sort of weird but my curious self couldn't wait to meet her.

i sat down beside her and the General went over what the arrangement would be, mentioned that i would be doing most of the training and then he excused himself and the Ninja so the two of us could talk. she seems really nice and was more concerned with what i thought about the two lawyers we would be working with than what the workload was like. i asked her what they had told her about the way the work would be split and she said that she understood it as she would be taking instruction from me or the two lawyers and she didn't really mind from whom.

now, i know she's not MY secretary... but it's kind of neat to think i'll have help the way the Mentor does!

except, when i went to go tell the Mentor about the interview, she immediately said, "how come they didn't ask ME to meet her?" and then she started going on about how we should convince her to work on mondays (she wants to work tuesday, wednesday and thursday, which is just fine with me). i immediately thought, "i need to talk to our administrator first thing in the morning before they offer her the job!"

not your help, my help! it's not my fault that none of her lawyer's secretaries have gotten along with her. seriously, after awhile and after a few secretaries have passed through the office unsatisfactorily, wouldn't you start to think, "maybe it is me?"

she'd better not scare of my secretary! i mean, not my secretary :)

countdown

i'm sad he's leaving.

the e-mail went out to everyone late last night and by 8:30, it was the talk of the office. my receptionist said to me, "so, do you think you'll stay friends?" for obvious reasons, that question posed to me in that way by someone who cares about me hit me hard and made me very aware of the obvious. i said, "probably not. you know him."

in more amusing news, that courier that was going to ask me out but didn't was in the office today. i was trying to get information for one of the lawyers (not one of mine but i happened to be available when they couldn't find his assistant) and the Courier was dropping something off (it was actually for me but he didn't realize it). i was running past him down the hall into the waiting lawyer's office and was not really paying attention to him, except to ask him whether he had picked up my envelope at the courthouse library. we exchanged a few hurried words and then he said he'd go drop the envelope off at my desk. i ran around a bit more and when the heat was off me, i walked back to reception.

i said to our receptionist, "i'm sorry i wasn't able to chit-chat with the Courier more." she said, "oh, i don't think he minded. he stood here and said, "don't mind me; i'm going to stand here and watch. i'm hoping she'll run down the hall one more time." at least someone appreciates me!

anyway, the e-mail that went out said that they were all meeting for drinks after work on monday. and oddly enough, i can't stay after work on monday. it's not his last day but i guess because it's halloween on his last day, no one will stay. instead of sitting around with the guys, i'll be learning to cook with curries. fair trade? maybe. fated? probably.

i'm going to miss him.

under control?

i managed to control myself and only bought two pairs of shoes at the Ronson's shoe sale today! ok, only one pair i really actually "needed" (it's arguable that i need ANY new shoes). and i only saw two pairs that i really liked. the rest were not in my size... but still, that's pretty good! had i not had a course to go to at 9:30 this morning, i would've been in richmond at 8:30, waiting for the doors to open with my fellow shoe shoppers. there's always the spring. :)

gap band

as in, "you dropped the bomb on me..."

my OC pssted me into his office at about 5:15 as i was walking to the kitchen. i walked back and he had a big smile on his face. he motioned me in. and then he said to close the door. very, very unusual.

i sat down and said, "what's going on?" he smiled and said, "i'm off in 10 days!" confused, because he just came back from 3 weeks holidays, i said, "where are you going?" he said, "home." even more confused, i was going to say, "salt spring? victoria? greece?" but i just sat there with a confused look on my face and said, "what are you talking about?" he said, "i'm leaving the firm."

i don't know if the look of shock / disappointment / sadness / anger / disbelief / devastation registered right away on my face but i did manage to say, "what?????"

we talked for about 20 minutes about his plans and why he was leaving and what he was going to do. he said it's been in the works for about two months now. he's only told Baby Man and A (which doesn't really surprise me and really, there's no one else at the firm he would feel the need to tell...which i guess means i should be flattered that he considers me someone who should know before the general public knows. and now i am remembering a day when he had them both in his office, behind closed doors, a couple of weeks ago. it's all coming back to me now). his last day is hallowe'en. trick or treat indeed.

i let him know that i was not happy about him leaving. i also wished him well and congratulated him. he said, "for what? i haven't done anything yet." i said, "you're doing something that not a lot of people would have the courage to do." and he said, "what, be voluntarily unemployed?" and i said, "no, you're leaving your stable, bill-paying job to pursue something that really interests you. not many people would take that risk." he figures the General will send out the e-mail next week, probably monday or tuesday.

i'm sad but i also know that (and say it with me now because i won't hear it enough from everyone at work), "things happen for a reason and if it's really meant to be, then it will happen eventually."

not so thrifty

ooooh, i got my Amex bill today. i spent so much, they upped my limit. actually, compared to most people, i don't think i spent all that much but it's a lot to me. i am therefore grounding myself (didn't i already do this in another entry?). i am not allowed to buy anymore frivolous or unnecessary things until i've paid off the balance on my Amex. you heard me!

shit, i still have to buy a wedding present. sigh.

on a high note, my bellyaching paid off. i got called in to my administrator's office today and when i was off yesterday, a whole whack of meetings went on between various parties and i was informed today that my duties as a secretary will be limited to two days a week and my paralegal duties will be upped to three days a week. they will be hiring a secretary to come in on my paralegal days so she can do my secretarial stuff. she won't be my secretary, but she'll be working with me. awesome! i will now be able to bill without feeling guilty about it. i've billed a couple of things already but i tend not to, just because i get help with stuff sometimes so it's not really me doing the "thinking" part of the work. they are also taking away a lawyer from me, which i'm a bit sad about but i can't handle all three. it's ironic because he's the only one that really treats me like a paralegal - he'll give me overview instructions on something and just let me run with it. i'll miss the type of work he does - IP, bankruptcy (not so much) and estates. but, i had to sacrifice something.

A asked me if i was still thinking about law school. i told her it was on the backburner but at the moment, i'm so sick of school. i just want to come home and do nothing. although at the moment, i am doing some review of my insurance notes. not that i really need to know too much about indemnity with the work i'm doing right now. maybe when they hire the new girl!

a rainy day

nothing much to write about on this rainy sunday. i've spent the past couple of days helping out my dad with his new apartment. he took possession yesterday and moves on friday. so, yesterday we went to pick up paint and i managed to drag my mom into helping out. she didn't need much convincing - she loves to paint for some reason. my dad and brother had picked out paint chips from benjamin moore and then expected to find the same colors at home depot. took me a good 20 minutes trying to match up the colors they had chosen with the ones available at the store. he picked out an olive color for the master bedroom and this neutral tan-yellow for the livingroom. my brother picked gray for his room - carry over from his room now, which is dark grey with white curtains and his headboard is painted on - it's the Canucks logo. kind of cool but i don't think he's going to do it in this room.

so now i have paint all over my hands but my dad let me go early. he said he would finish up and then go visit my aunt who just had throat surgery. i went to see her last night. my mom had bought her flowers and reminded me twice before my brother and i left to bring them. and of course, i forgot them.

it is an ugly, cold, rainy sunday. it's one of those days when i just want to sit and read a book. so i think i will.

here comes the bride...

across the street from our office building there is a low-rise parking structure. atop the parking structure for the past few weeks, they have been building what looked to be a mini-golf course but what has turned out to be the set for the wedding of the Invisible Woman and some other dude in the Fantastic Four movie.

all of us on the south side of the office have been dutifully watching the filming of the wedding (we can't help but hear when they cue the wedding march) and seeing jessica alba in her wedding dress and that michael chikilis (or however you spell it) in his tux as the Thing. so cool! apparently, they are going to be blowing up the set after the wedding is done. hopefully during work hours so we can see. we need more binoculars. for some reason, we actually had a set of binoculars in the office. should i be worried?

speaking of worried, the Ninja comes up to my desk at lunch and says, "do you have lunch plans?" i said no so he asked me if i wanted to go for lunch with him. i thought for sure he was going to talk to me about something - work or personal matters.

we went for lunch and sat and ate and watched TV (he was hoping for baseball but no dice). it was awkward for me because i was expecting him to say something but he didn't. at the end, i realized he just wanted to go for lunch. i could've said to him, "so, is there anything you wanted to talk about specifically?" but i didn't. too chicken. i didn't want to hear about work or something going wrong in his personal life. not that he would tell me because he's more secretive than i am, not that i'm secretive but if i were, he'd be more so. so instead of having a lovely time at lunch with a friend and colleague, i sat uncomfortably chatting about mundane and surface things (which i hate!), waiting for something that never came. dumb.

O.G.

one of my unnecessary purchases of late was the DVD of "The Phantom of the Opera". i wasn't sure whether or not it was a good remake or rendition or whatever you want to call it but it was $7.50 at Target so i couldn't resist.

perhaps i should've waited until i was done ovulating to watch it because i cried through almost every song - and not just teared up but literally sobbed. and then, when i decided to watch one scene again to see if it was really the song or if it was just me, i started to cry again. oy, i hate hormones.

my administrator spoke with one of my lawyers today and the results were almost instantaneous. it was the Ninja, after all, but still... he sent me an e-mail that basically said he had a couple of files set for mediation that required some babysitting and organization and was i interested in taking it on? hell yeah, i said. ok, i didn't say that but i did say of course i am!

on a sad note, i have grounded myself for spending too much money on crap i don't need. i am putting myself on a strict budget for the next month so that perhaps...just perhaps...i may have enough credit available to buy some paltry Christmas presents for my immediate family.

i really do need another outlet for my blues and blahs.

let it go

i know you don't understand. the only reason i understand is because it's the way i've felt and dealt with things for my whole life. so let me just use this entry as a way to release, and not an information/advice-seeking/sympathy entry.

i feel that any attempts i've made in the past couple of weeks to reconnect with my OC (and they are very, very few) have been made simply because it's what i do. i'm not dating anyone right now, nor have i any interest in anyone but him, so i automatically focus all of my attention on to him, even though i know i'm done. i've barely spoken to him since he's been back - this past monday at lunch as been the most time i've spent with him all week. he seems to be really busy with work since he's been back and lately, i've been run off my feet so there are no opportunities to chat during the day. he hasn't yet deleted the e-mail i sent him just before he left for holidays, although he deleted all replies leading up to it. he hasn't even deleted the FYI e-mail i had sent him on tuesday with the name of a norse sea monster (one of my crossword clues he wasn't able to help me with). and yet, he's spent a lot of time with A (she's been calling him by a nickname lately - his name with a 'y' at the end and in a baby-voice...very suspicious and very irritating). he's been chatting happily with everyone else but he seems to be avoiding me (granted, i'm PMSing so i'm feeling very overly-sensitive about everything). he's been eye-flirty but otherwise distant. and i have been avoiding him and ignoring him whenever it is polite to do so.

last night at drinks, i was sitting in the boardroom with the Ninja, across the table from each other. there was a spot beside him, a spot beside me, and the two spots at both ends of the table. when we had walked by A's office, both A and my OC were standing at the window, trying to take a picture of the movie set that was being built on top of the building across from us. when they walked in, A sat at the head of the table between me and the Ninja and my OC forewent the seat beside me and instead took the other head of the table. so i stole his beer. he took a couple of pictures of A and a couple of me and A (candids) and then shut off his camera. more people joined us and we all sat around just chatting and drinking for awhile. i motioned for his camera and scanned through the pictures. they were of his trip mostly. they were good pictures, actually - mostly of people he was there with. the pictures he took at the office were all of A. when i gave back his camera, he took it, put in another picture card, gave it back to me and said, "do you want to see NY?" there were 13 pictures on the card, 3 of NY and the rest of a ski trip and i think his parent's place on salt spring. one thing we have in common - we like to take pictures of ourselves :)

i feel like i'm mourning the loss of something. i'm not particularly unhappy, i guess. i knew it wasn't going to work and i've been at it for more than a few months and it hasn't yielded anything but ... well, nothing.

i think i hope too much. no, i know i hope too much. i see too much potential in things and people and relationships. i can see that we have potential to be good friends but the fact that he doesn't seem to be intersted in my friendship is perplexing. i guess i am hurt by it. i'm a fun person! i'm less irritating than A and yet he seems to like her company better. i guess i just feel bad that things are going to have to change. interactions are going to have to change.

i was in Baby Man's office, actually asking him a question about work, and then i said to him, "has the OC been chilly lately or is it me?" and he agreed. we talked about it for the briefest of moments when his assistant, Yo, walked in. he said, "we're talking about how cold the OC has been to everyone lately." and she looked at me, exasperated, and said, "Oh, give it up already!!!!" i laughed and she laughed and Baby Man looked at the two of us, a bit confused, and laughed as well. i honestly don't think he's figured it out. boys.

i have so many plans. so many plans. i want to buy a dog. i want to buy a dining room set. i want to go to greece next year but i also want to visit my cousin in SF and my friend in NY. i know i have to save my money so what do i do? i bought 3 DVDs last night and then a skirt and top for work. i spent just a smidge over $100, which i don't think is all that bad but for someone who is trying to trying to save money, it's a bit stupid to do. but i watched all of the movies last night and i needed a new black skirt and this one fit well, which is rare for me.

oy, if i'm not eating, i'm shopping for clothes or DVDs. and if i'm not buying clothes, i'm buying food. i need a new outlet for my emotions. this blogging thing isn't working.

i did it!

i finally spoke to my administrator about my job and who i worked with and my unhappiness with the whole situation. i emphasized to her that i was unsure how to proceed as there were several parties involved and several different ways i could approach the situation. she was very understanding and very encouraging. she emphasized that she wanted to be able to come up with a solution from within the firm (i.e. she didn't want me to leave). she also told me that many people, lawyers and support staff, enjoy working with me and she was sure that the firm in general would be upset if i were to leave.... that was good for the ego and it made me feel like i had made the right decision to talk to her instead of just putting up with stuff and then finally losing it one random day.

i did manage to drop in two things: 1) that my problems with the Mentor were there from the very beginning; 2) i had been considering looking elsewhere (although i didn't let on that i had been at an interview in the recent past).

i don't want to leave. i want to have a place where i've worked for more than 4 years. i like the people i work with, if only on a social level with some.

speaking of which, i think i'm done with my OC. i know i've said that before but he's just been so distant lately (but friendly with everyone else) that there is no motivation for me to continue. it makes me sad. but life goes on.

i really, really, really, really, really, really, reeeeaaaaalllly want a dog.

quelle fromage

i just watched the new episode of CSI: Miami i taped last night. it was their 100th episode and OMG, i can't believe how cheesy the ending was. i mean, it was cheesy even for CSI: Miami. what were they all doing on the beach, anyway? and, judging by lack of clothing changes of the cast in the show, taking down an international counterfeit operation/open water gambling establishment, plus solving the murder of not one but two people took less than three, maybe four hours, tops. we need that crime lab working in NY and Vegas because at least on those CSI shows, it takes at least a couple of days to solve their crimes. oy!

had the hockey pool draft this evening. i don't even know who we picked but i teamed up with one of my workmates to lessen the $35 entrance-fee burden. my OC was there, but only for the pizza. he didn't even have any beer. and he was pissy today so i stayed out of his way.

am tired today. going to read a bit more of The Alchemist before i go to bed. bon nuit!

pangs

i was sitting in the lunchroom today at a table with my OC and another lady we work with. my OC was reading through the financial pages, i was struggling over my crosswords and the NAML came over to sit with us once everyone else had left. she knows about my crush and she's a bit of a talker so i was a bit worried about what was about to be said.

it turned out that the conversation was pretty tame - although she did press him about the wedding he had attended on the weekend, whether he had met anyone, why he hadn't made any connections there, etc. at one point, he had said, "i had a few opportunities but i didn't take any of them." she scolded him for not seizing the opportunity and asked him why. he said, "i'm shy. i couldn't do it."

then she started telling us about this guy that she saw on the way home on the ferry. she said to me, "i've never felt this way before but it was like love at first sight. have you ever felt like that?" initially, i thought no. and then she went on to describe how she felt, "it's like the minute i laid eyes on him, i knew i wanted to be with him. i felt completely drawn to him and i knew i just wanted to talk to him." it turned out she didn't have the guts to because he was with a group of guy friends but her description of how she felt hit home with me, and not in an unpleasant way but in the end, it made me feel really kind of sad for awhile.

i remember the first time i saw my ex. i was walking into the dispatch area to bring one of the dispatchers a note and he was sitting at one of the new computers, staring at the screen. i did triple take. and then i made every possible excuse to walk by him for the rest of the day. he didn't look at me once. the first time i ever exchanged words with him, i was covering at reception. i was on the phone with a customer and saw him from the corner of my eye, waiting patiently for me to get off the phone (i think i passed off the customer to a salesman pretty quick). i turned to him and smiled (maybe even managed a 'hi') and he said, "do you have any glass cleaner? i thought there was some in one of the cupboards up here." i managed to point to a cupboard behind me that was under one of the counters and he smiled and said thanks. i didn't even get it for him (but i got to watch him bend over).

yeah, i know that feeling. i'd kill to have that feeling again.

i gots nothing

i'm bored. but i'm not. it's a sunday afternoon and i'm not doing anything. this morning, i did some laundry and vacuuming. i watched the rest of a movie i started last night. i played some video games. i read a little. i wrote a couple of e-mails. i entertained the idea of walking to the library to drop off books that are due today but instead, i renewed them online so i wouldn't have to. talk about a lazy sunday. i don't even feel like walking to my mom's to pick up a cheque for money she owes me. (that's funny - money SHE owes ME. i shouldn't even ask for it back).

i feel guilty about not doing anything. i feel like i should be doing something and that feeling takes away from the sheer happiness i feel by just sitting around. total north american guilt trip. busy culture.

last night, my mom invited me to go with her and her sisters, my uncles and my little cousin (ok, not so little - she's almost 19) to dinner at a new "upscale, filipino restaurant." uh, huh. i said, "what's upscale about it? better karaoke system?" my aunt made reservations and they informed her, "we will only hold your reservation for 10 minutes. we don't want to encourage 'filipino time'." upscale indeed.

with some skepticism, i went. it actually was quite nice. it was situated in a mini-mall at main street and 25th, beside a coin-laundry and an insurance broker. not the best area but it's along a strip of main street that has a lot of little, independent eateries so i think it might be ok.

the food was decent. i avoided eating anything that my dad has made, simply because i already know my dad's version is better and i didn't want to be comparing it. the number of dishes on the table at any one point was a bit ridiculous but it was fun. i tried the pork skewers, the pineapple curried chicken (could've been much spicier but oh well), sweet potato fries, and the calamari. yes, i had squid, don't get excited about it. for those that are shocked, i do eat some seafood now, although i still draw the line at shellfish. ugh. and, i don't make a point of ordering seafood as a main dish, but i will eat it if it's at a buffet or as an appetizer.

the rest of the table was obsessed with this one non-alcoholic slushy drink called the calamansi and honey slushy. my cousin tried to convince my aunt to let her have the version with vodka in it and her mom refused. she retorted with, "it's only two more months, what's the difference?" i offered to get her one but she refused.

as for my favorite part of any meal - dessert - i had the dark chocolate sampler. it was a cake, a ganache and an espresso-sized hot chocolate. the ganache was out of this world. screw the sampler, just give me a huge scoop of the ganache!

my cousin and i had a good laugh or two just talking about CSI: Miami and horatio-isms. when i got home, i was almost desperate to see CSI. it was on TV but it was one of the old ones with speedle. i can't watch him.

i could tidy my apartment. god knows it needs it.

i went to my friend's wedding shower yesterday afternoon. man, she almost has as many cousins as i do. it was fun. i feel bad that i'm not going to her stagette next weekend but there are several reasons. she got a lot of gifts. now i remember why i wanted to get married in the first place. :)

cold

i just spent the evening with MGF. i met him at his office (i wondered about that, actually. i walked up to the receptionist and said, "i'm here to see Mr. MGF. i'm a little early, though so don't worry if you don't catch him in his office." and then i sat there and read my book. i'm sure she thought i was a client or something until he walked up to me with is bag and said, "what, are you applying for a job?" and then we walked out together like it was no big thing. the GF works there too, is what i'm sayin'). he was gruuuumppppy! he could've warned me. actually, the whole evening was rather sullen. we usually spend a couple of hours talking and laughing and trash talking and tonight was sombre, sad and almost sentimental conversation. i asked him how things were going with the GF (not that i really wanted to know but i thought i should ask - don't ask, it's a me-thing). he said they had gotten into a huge fight and weren't really speaking. apparently, she had done a lingerie internet fashion show on the weekend or last week or something and he tuned in to watch - bad idea. he told her that if she wanted to continue to do stuff like that in her spare time, then he didn't want to see her anymore. yikes. so, they are at a low point in their relationship.

last week, i was talking to Baby Man about how he though i could approach the whole "backup" thing with MGF. he said at this point, it couldn't be done. well, the opportunity lent itself tonight and i didn't ask him. i even asked him if he had a backup and he said that he hadn't thought about it. i told him i used to have a backup but i don't anymore. and yet i didn't ask him if he would be mine. maybe i thought it would be weird.

the weird thing is, i can honestly say that - as a friend - i love him. i value his friendship very much. and yet there is only, maybe 5% that wants to be with him in more than just a friendship. truthfully, i think we'd be great together and yet there's something missing. anyway.

on another (sad) note, my OC is back from his holidays. he was very tired as he just got in last night so perhaps i should give him the benefit of the doubt. first day back, lots of e-mails to catch up on, etc. but he barely acknowledged me today (except when i was holding the baby...one of the girls on mat leave brought her 4 week old in - again- and they convinced me to hold him. i don't like holding newborns as a rule but mostly because i don't like the hand-off, floppy heads and all. but he was just fine with me and started to fall asleep the minute i held him. but i digress). maybe i am over him. and oddly enough, that makes me sad.

on the baby-tip, Baby Man brought his baby man in one day and i was standing in the hallway with the baby - he was about 6 months at the time so he was getting to the "fun" age. anyway, i was holding him and bouncing him around, cooing, etc. just being the total dork i am with kids, and i happened to glance over in the direction of my OC's office and, even though i wasn't in his direct line of sight, he had obviously been watching me and had the cutest smile on his face (my OC, not the baby...although the baby was right there with him). he had that same look today when he was leaning over to look at the newborn as i was holding him. i think we'd have pretty babies.

but i'm not there anymore. and all it took was three weeks. i thought about him the entire three weeks and now that's he's back, i don't think i even want to bother anymore.

p.s. done with the online dating. did i mention that the last time i wrote?

giant leap

let me tell you a story.

first, some background: my friend asked me a few months ago if i could recommend a good divorce lawyer in town as her parents, who have been separated for most of her 24 years, have finally decided to make it legal and get a divorce. naturally, i suggested a lawyer at my firm but i wanted to give her a couple of other alternatives. so, i asked my boss, the Ninja, if he knew of any good family law lawyers (he doesn't practice it himself). he gave me a couple of names and then said, "Joe Smith - he's the one I'd use."

further background to my story... the Ninja has marital problems. serious, serious marital problems. i don't think he knows that i know, but i do.

jump to the present. the Ninja has been very moody lately - kind of sad, tense and a host of other emotions that i've picked up on. we Cancers are very sensitive to other people's feelings and his moods have been killing me lately. he's just been so sad. i finally asked him last week, "are you stressed?" and he said, "yes." and i said, "is there something i can help with?" and he said, "no, it's all self-imposed."

today, he sends me an e-mail and asks me, "does the firm get discounted rates at any of the local hotels around here? if so, can you find out how much?" he has no files that i know of that require clients or witnesses to be put up in a hotel. but then again, he lives out in the valley and commutes every day so i thought, perhaps, he was looking for an alternative to working late (as if!) and then driving home in the late hours in the dark.

the sealer of the paranoid deal for me was as he was leaving today. he said, "ok, i have a dinner meeting with the Board guy. can you do me a favor before you leave today?" dutifully, i say, "sure". he looks skyward and i swear his voice cracked slightly as he asked me, "can you e-mail me Joe Smith's number?"

holy F.

boys!

MGF responded to a harmless e-mail i had sent him on friday afternoon, after i had seen him at the call ceremony. he finishes his response with, "You looked hot today according to one of my friends. I told him that I nailed you, even if it isn't true - it's a guy thing, sorry." i had to laugh. we traded a few responses back and forth, mostly about whether his friend was hot and whether he was married. i kept pestering him to tell me more, send me his picture, etc. i don't know why i needed to know; i just did. at one point he said, "If it helps, I thought you looked amazing too." i responded with a heartfelt, "thanks, it did help." his final e-mail before i logged off today was, "If you're really thankful, you'll send me naked pictures. I'll be sure to forward them onto my friend. Ha, ha, hee, hee." boys.

however, he didn't specify naked pictures of whom. :)

maybe it IS me

i went out on a brunch date with a guy i met online. we've been trading e-mails for a number of weeks (a no-no for me) and finally managed to find a mutually convenient date for ... well, a date.

from his first e-mail to me, which detailed the recent breakup of his 13 year marriage, i had my doubts as to whether he would be someone i wanted to even meet. he's a bit older than me - he just turned 41 - which was also a bit of a concern. and if it wasn't the narrative of his divorce that put me on red alert, it was his mention of the fact the had attended several Tony Robbins seminars in the past few years. not that there's anything wrong with that. he's also considers himself a Buddhist (he's caucasian, not that there's anything wrong with that) and went to all events concerning the Dalai Lama last weekend or the weekend before. in fact, he was a few minutes late for our date because he had to run down to Wal-Mart to buy a VCR because his broke and there was a show on the Dalai Lama on TV today that he wanted to watch. ok. but, his pictures were cute and he seemed nice enough in his e-mails (albeit wordy), so i thought i would give it a shot.

the two voicemails he left me over the past week were normal. nice voice, didn't ramble. when i spoke with him on the phone on saturday night, he sounded fine. he almost insisted that he pick me up for our date (he lives in langley and we were going to south surrey for brunch at northlands golf & country club - home of the PGA tour, thanks very much). i told him it would be fine by me if i just met him there since it didn't make sense that he drive all the way out to pick me up, only to drive all the way back to where he started from. i think it was just an "old-fashioned" thing to suggest, which i appreciate, but i had no idea whether he was a serial killer or not. and then he kept suggesting that we go for a walk at the pier in white rock after brunch, if i was feeling comfortable.

i won't detail the date but i will summarize my thoughts - he's a really nice guy. boyishly cute, very successful businessman, seems very grounded, generally a happy person. yet he came across (to me) as a bit of a fruitcake (and not in the gender-specific way). it's not that he preached what he learned at his Tony Robbins seminars, because he didn't. it's not that he was loopy or did weird things at brunch, because he didn't. but the overall package... he was dressed in a hawaiian shirt, shorts, runners and white athletic socks...yes, pulled up. he pressed his hands together and bowed at me when i walked up to meet him. he was severely encroaching on my personal space, which he warned me about but i didn't realize he would be such a frequent offender. he did this weird sort of audible breath intake thing at the end of some of his sentences. he crinkled his face at me when he smiled after saying something about himself. and then he bailed on the pier walk idea (which was fine because i was going to bail on it anyway).

i don't know that he'll call me again and i don't know whether i want him to. he was a good hugger (he said i was too and went in for a second one, which i gladly gave) but i can't see myself as anymore than friends with him. not that we have anything in common enough to be friends.

i know i'm a little slow but i think i've realized why most of the guys i like but aren't attracted to are not my friends - we just don't have anything in common. it's arguable that i have anything in common with MGF, for example, but for some reason, we manage to stay in touch and fairly regularly. heck, i see him more often than i see my good friends from school. i wonder what the motivation is.

incidentally, i saw him at the call ceremony at the law courts on friday afternoon. i don't know that he was surprised to see me but he hugged me twice. he knows Baby Man (they said hey and shook hands). odd, because i talk about MGF with Baby Man. and it turns out they know each other. spooky.

serious mad crush

i just finished watching "House". how can an old guy be so hot?

my cousin says it's the character - the ascerbic, loner doctor whom you know has the capacity to love and be loved yet doesn't allow himself because he's been hurt so he dedicates himself to his work. i believe that.

yet, i saw hugh laurie on "Ellen" the other day and ... still sexy. i think it's the scruffiness factor too. and the british accent. and he's tall. and has blue eyes. and that one-sided half-smile. and he plays tortured so well.

the part in the show tonight where he's eye-flirting with the almost-18 year old girl... rrrrr. he can eye-flirt with me anyday. yow!

more flirting?

MGF and i have been e-mail chatting for the past couple of work days. i am only surprised because we never do it. usually i send him some sort of information e-mail and then he asked how things are, i tell him and then ask him how things are, he tells me and then suggest we meet for coffee. we figure out a date and then don't chat again until the day of, whenever that happens to be.

friday and then again today, we spent the whole day e-mailing each other. and again today, he says something like, "i would love the day when you call me and say, i've met the guy of my dreams - be happy for me. and truthfully, i would be happy for you and i look forward to when i can share that happiness with you." WTF?

i asked Baby Man what he thought of that and he said, in all seriousness, "he obviously cares about you and wants you to be happy, even if it means it's not with him." and then he said, "it's a good thing for you. i think you should go for it. get in between him and his girlfriend ... figuratively speaking, of course." then we started talking about my OC.

he and i had this conversation last week that turned to my OC's sexual orientation. Baby Man has come up with a plan wherein we will test his theory by me seducing my OC. my deadline is the Christmas party. i have not agreed to this plan...but i like it :)

handy woman

i fixed my oven lock. after some banging on the latch with the hammer and poking around the spring with the screwdriver, i finally decided to use the pliers and bent the damn latch up so the oven door can close. i can't lock it anymore but it's not like it matters - who's going to open the oven door if it's in cleaning mode?

hmmm

MGF and i had a bit of an e-mail exchange today, after i forwarded him an excerpt from an impaired driving charge defence. he asked me in a P.S. how things were going with the guy he dropped me off with the night before. i told him that i had ended it. this started our usual cheeky exchange but at the end, he said something something to the effect of, "i'm really sorry it didn't work out with this guy. i know you weren't interested in him but i was hoping he would be someone who would make you happy. i guess i will be your sounding board for guy problems for a little while longer." i know it sounds a bit backhanded but he meant well and i appreciated it.

in the midst of other e-mails, we touched on my project for him wherein i am to arrange a threesome for him (his GF has allowed him one freebie). this project, as we both know fully know, is a farce. it will never happen. but it's always fun to talk about. so i sent him an e-mail that said, "just out of curiosity, what is your age limit or do you have one? what do you think, maybe one cougar and one kitten, just for variety's sake?" he e-mailed me back, "i laughed so hard when i read the part about the kitten. so, are you the cougar then?" har har. i e-mailed back with a final, "i fancy myself more as the kitten - meow."

at least i've had some flirty e-mail exchange this week.

how am i supposed to cook?

i broke the lock on my oven door. i was making french fries and thought i'd try out the lock while i was waiting. it worked too well. something snapped inside and locked the door permanently. so i did some "work" and managed to force the handle back to the unlocked position...except the latch is still in the latched position. so, i can open my oven door but i can't close it all the way now. think about all of the wonderful things i am missing out on making because i broke the lock! i was going to try and make spanakopita this weekend. and i just bought two huge bags of french fries (2 for $8.00!). i loathe having to call a repair guy to come in and fix it but i'm sure it'll cost me less than buying a new oven, not that i can afford a new oven right now. not that i can really afford to buy the food that goes in the oven right now. i need to stay off e-bay.

stuck

how can you tell whether you're being too picky or whether you're just not attracted to someone?

none of the guys i've met and been out with this time around on my dating site have made me want to make any effort to get to know them better or want to see them more often than when they phone me and say, "do you want to get together again?" to be polite, i always just say yes, and then try to find excuses as to why i have to cancel at the last minute.

there have been ones that i've had a seemingly mutual interest in getting to know, but they never call when they say they will nor do they respond to my "feeler" follow-up e-mails to say i enjoyed our coffee. and it doesn't bother me.

it's like my ability to feel anything for anyone is temporarily out of order. but the guilt i feel for not feeling anything is still very much there. i don't get it.

like the guy i went out with after my coffee with MGF. he e-mailed me that night to apologize for the abrupt goodbye and told me that he wanted to hug me goodbye because i smelled good but he didn't because the train came right away and he realized that if he left right then, he could catch his bus home. he told me that he thought i always looked good (elegant and stylish is what he actually said). then, he phoned and left a message for me last saturday night, saying the same thing and also apologizing for putting me on the spot when he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. he is still on two other dating sites and he still checks them regularly (so why isn't he seeing anyone else??). on paper, a great guy - nice, intersting stories, polite, well groomed. but in person, a bit dry and doesn't really seem all that interested. i don't know. am i wrong for not being attracted to him?

is there something wrong with me for wanting more than what these guys i've been meeting have to offer? am i wrong for not giving them more of a chance to show me what they can offer? i've always been a big believer in the first few impressions but then again, i was wrong when it came to MGF. i never thought he'd want to settle down and that's why i stopped dating him and yet a year later, he's got a girlfriend and i'm still single.

i think i'll go for a walk tomorrow at lunch and smile at people. let's see where that gets me.

sour grapes

once again, i had a fantastic time with MGF tonight. i met him at his office (there was a misunderstanding as to where we were supposed to meet - he meant i should come upstairs and meet him at reception and i thought we were going to meet where we always do in the lobby of his office building. a mock argument ensued and a bet was laid. i think he was unclear as to his instructions but we'll see tomorrow.). we walked to his apartment because he wanted to change his shoes (they were new and his feet hurt). we got to his apartment and we chatted while he changed out of his work clothes (he always keeps the door open, the little perv). he suggested we go to McD's for ice cream. i jumped on that bandwagon pretty quickly. we walked and talked. stood in line and talked. i stood back and let him order, watching the cashier flirt shameless with him (in front of me, how rude!) while he was completely oblivious ("how many ketchups would you like?" moan, moan, wink, wink). we sat on the library steps, as we always do, had an impromptu picnic and people watched. we talked. while i don't know how the subject even came up, he complimented me on how i looked ("you look amazing today. black is a really good color on you."). then i mentioned to him that i had a date after i met with him. we talked about it and he chastized me for agreeing to go out with someone when i had no real feelings for him. i was thisclose to standing my date up and spending the rest of the evening with MGF.

he offered to drive me to the date because i would've been late otherwise (actually, he said, "let me drop you off where he can see me and you can tell him i was your 5 o'clock!"). as we walked back to his apartment, and i verbally agonized over why i was going out with the guy i was about to go out with, MGF said, "why don't you just tell him you met someone? tell him that you've met someone that you want to get to know better." and i said, without really thinking, "you mean, what i told you?"

as the words came tumbling out of my mouth, i looked at his face. he sort of smiled as he realized the truth to what i had just said but he didn't look at me. i tried to make light of it, laughed and gave him a hug as we were walking, and he laughed and said, "oh, don't touch me now!" i managed to save some face by saying, "well, i obviously picked the wrong guy back then, now didn't i?"

i love being with him. i feel we get along so well. i'd like to think that eventually, one day, we'll end up together but i don't think it will be that way. a combination of bad timing and poor frame of mind (the latter on my part) prevented us from forming more than just a friendship and i think bad timing and circumstance will prevail. i know it's not positive thinking but at this point, it's not going to happen.

c'est la vie. zut alors!

done.

i am emotionally burned out. i think that's the best way to describe it. i would literally like to just hibernate for about a month or two - no socializing, no phone calls, no chatting, no online dates, no going out. just me in my apartment, reading or writing or pondering the meaning of life. alone. by myself.

it kind of scares me when i get like this. i mean, i'm fully aware of it so it can't be all that bad. and it's not as though i haven't been on the phone or visited with my friends this weekend. but just the thought of having to converse and be interested in someone i know i'm not interested it - that takes too much energy. i've already let one of my online potentials know i'm not interested. i only have a few more to go. maybe i'm not ready. maybe i really am too picky.

there's this lady at work who has been talking about setting me up with her son's friend. i'm open to it but today, i asked her, "how tall is he?" and she said, "oh, not tall. average, i guess." she said not much taller than my OC, who (if he didn't slouch) is still only about 5'10". i responded with an, "oh." and she said, "oh, this girl. you are picky. no wonder you haven't met anyone!" that may be so, but i don't think that makes me wrong. i mean, one of the guys i'm "dating" right now told me how much he weighs. it turns out (although i didn't say anything but in hindsight, perhaps i should've), i weigh 5 lbs more than he does. that freaking sucks. perhaps that's when i lost interest. and i know that's not much but how many men do you know want to weigh less than their significant others? and how many women want to be physically larger than the guy they are dating? if that makes me shallow, then call me a puddle.

i hate it when they try to figure out everything we have in common. maybe i really don't like them but it just irritates me. i don't want someone exactly like me - i need someone who's different from me but can appreciate what i have to offer (and vice versa). great, you like to stay home and do nothing on your days off? that's a selling point, isn't it? you're really going to encourage me to be more than what i am.

fuck i'm cranky. i'm going to bed.

p.s. coffee with MGF tomorrow (assuming he doesn't reschedule again). i'm looking forward to seeing him, just not the date i have afterwards.

before sunset

there was a delightfully refreshing moving that came out in 1994 or 1995 called "before sunrise". it starred ethan hawke and a french actress/singer named julie delpy. if you don't know it, the story is of these two young people who meet on a train heading to vienna. she is on her way home to france from budapest and he is stopping in vienna to catch a flight home to america. after chatting on the train, he convinces her to stop in vienna and kill time with him while he waits for his flight home the next morning. she agrees. they spend the evening wandering the streets of vienna, taking in local culture but mostly, talking. i loved this movie because it wasn't your typical love story set-up. anyway, they part and vow to meet in vienna six months later.

in 2004 or 2005, they released the sequel to the movie called "before sunset". it takes place 10 years after their parting in vienna (while the girl doesn't look too much older than the 10 years that have elapsed between the making of the movie and the time in the movie itself, ethan hawke looks like hell - he looks about 30 years older). he is now a successful writer who is stopping in paris on the last leg of his book tour. she is an environmental activist who lives in paris and comes to his book signing, hoping that he will remember her. he does. they spend the movie wandering the streets of paris, talking about their lives since their last meeting, and what their lives would have been like had they actually met up when they said they were going to (he showed up; she had to go to her grandmother's funeral; he wrote the book about the night they spent together in vienna). i loved that they took up the story 10 years later, and 10 years after the last movie was released. real time, real aging (at least on julie delpy's part; what the heck happened to ethan hawke???).

i tell you about this because both movies were shown last night on tv, back-to-back. i didn't watch the first one (truthfully, i have both on DVD) but i caught the second one just as he was doing his book signing at the paris bookstore and he sees her for the first time. the first time i watched the second movie, i don't remember what kind of headspace i was in but i cried at the end - not because it was sad and not because it was happy. i don't remember why. so, i watched the second movie again last night because i wanted to see what would happen. and i cried at the exact same spot. and it wasn't a happy or a sad cry. mournful, i think would be a better description.

it's the part in the movie where jesse and celine are riding in the car, driving celine home on his way to the airport to leave her for the second time. they are finally talking, discussing, airing out their feelings about their parting and what their lives might have been like had they met up again in vienna like they planned. when i was watching it last night, i started to get emotional when celine starts to lose it slightly and starts talking about how much she's been hurt in relationships and how now, she feels like she's unable to really love anyone. how every guy she dates ends up marrying the next woman he dates after her. the last emotional straw for me is when jesse tells her about his marriage and how he's tried everything he could to save it and the only reason he's in it is because of his little boy. he says that he doesn't want to get divorced at 52 because he realizes he never really loved his wife at all. and then he says that his idea of romantic love was never the same after the night he spent with celine in vienna. that he's never been able to feel the same way about anyone since then.

this one scene makes me realize that no matter how well you think you've dealt with your emotions in the past, there's always something left over that is going to be tweaked by the most unlikely thing and you'll have to deal with it, albeit on a smaller scale, all over again. to write this entry, i watched the scene again. and it made me cry again. and as the movie demonstrates, memory and emotions are powerful things, even if you're uncertain which one is driving the other.

breakthrough

last night, as i tried to get to sleep with a million and one things on my mind, an idea for a story came to me. it was just the premise and i only managed to get the first two paragraphs written at 11:30 last night but it's something. i'm inspired. i'm writing again.

not in the mood for criticism

i just need a pep talk.

i'm sitting here crying (finally). part of me is thinking, "i don't understand why he doesn't like me." before you roll your eyes at me, another part of me is thinking, "you have no less than four guys who are looking to see you again. why are you so hung up on this one?" why? i know why. i just don't understand why. why?

why do i not believe i deserve better than my OC?

why am i so focused on getting him to like me (as a friend or otherwise) that i feel nothing towards these four very nice guys that are asking me out on second and third dates?

why am i not allowing myself to emotionally distance myself from him?

OMG, does all of this really stem from childhood? a psychological need to be accepted? i know i'm like that - but why am i making special efforts for him? i just don't get it.

if you are going to respond in an e-mail, then tell me something i don't already know about this stupid, emotionally one-sided situation i've trapped myself in. can't think of anything new? then don't say anything. just pray that i come to my senses soon. did i tell you that A has already moved out of her love nest and back in with her sister? it seems like the break has happened sooner than anyone thought.

i got three e-mails today from former co-workers, forwarding a memo from the big boss at the AG's office that paralegals will be "tested out" in an 18-month long pilot project. i also learned today that i am still being covered under my old work's medical plan, even though it's been at least a year since i've paid any premiums and at least three years since they have. it's almost like it's a sign: the mother ship is calling me home.

on a similar note, my Mentor said to me today, "they may hire another paralegal to help me and take on all of the Ninja's stuff." i just smiled and nodded but internally, i was thinking, "WTF? i'm a freaking paralegal and i work for the Ninja! why do they need to hire someone else? if anything, they need to hire another secretary to take on my stuff so i can start doing what i was trained to do!" mother ship, indeed.

strange things are afoot at the circle K. is it a full moon?

the blahs

is anyone monitoring the days i feel "blah"? it's starting to feel like it's more often, or perhaps the days are starting to run together.

it was one of those days when i stopped at one point and thought, "how did i get to work today?" i didn't feel like flirting with my OC. i didn't feel like standing and conversing at reception. i wanted to just sit in my chair and spin. i feel very indifferent today. like, if the world were to end tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to me. it didn't matter whether i ate or not. it didn't matter whether i went home or not. and even though my neck and shoulders are hurting again, it doesn't seem to matter if i get an appointment with an MT or not. heck, i'm not even overthinking anything right now. yes, indifference has set in, at least today.

i figure it's because i had such a busy weekend. i was non-stop from friday 'til last night. i don't even have the TV on right now. no music. nothing. i've been sitting on my couch, staring at the wall for a good 15 minutes. i'd actually like to go to sleep. maybe i should.

i don't even think crying would help. you know, sometimes you just need to cry. i don't even want to watch my sure-fire crying aid - imagine me, indifferent to seeing Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook". i can't even use exclamation points right now.

blah.

pest from the past

picture it: i was sitting at my desk on friday afternoon, working away. my phone rings. it's a transferred call from the switchboard. i have a couple of messages that i had left in the morning, plus one of my lawyers is out of town but in contact by phone. i answer and i hear, "hi." it's not a voice i immediately recognize so i wait a brief second for him to follow up with, "i'm just returning your call." he doesn't say it. i finally say, "who's this?" he says, "it's mike." i immediately think, "shit - is this greek-mike, hell's kitchen-mike or banker-mike?" a split second later, the voice registers in my head and i say, "Oh. Hi." i told you it wasn't over yet.

i was civil. i didn't get upset at him for phoning me at work and i even asked him how his new job was going. he asked me how i knew and i said, "the last e-mail you sent me had your work signature on it." he said, "oh, you mean the last e-mail you ignored and didn't respond to?" i said, "yes, that one." we didn't talk long and at the end, he said, "well, you have my e-mail if you ever want to say hi." i said, "yup."

when i got home, he had sent me an e-mail. it went a little something like this:

Thanks for taking my call. I hope you will read this and understand things a little more.

I wanted to tell you so many things before, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to do anything in my life, let alone include someone in my life. So why did I even start seeing you? I don’t know - I was selfish? The smart thing for me would have been for me to recognize where I was in my life and stay away from you until I had a clue what I was doing. And for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant to be aloof around you. I never meant to act as though I didn’t care or that you didn’t matter – because I did care and you do matter! I was just in the wrong place in my life and I was being selfish. Without a job, I was drinking way too much and carrying on like an idiot half the time. I had no consideration for anyone but myself and for that, I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to make you feel like a “doormat,” as you once said to me. You’re a very special person and you deserved more than I was giving you. I understand why you pulled away.

For the record… that is not who I am. I am not a jealous person – I never have been. I am a very caring and considerate person who loves being in love and spending a lot of time with the one I love. I wish I would have let you see more of that side rather than the ugliness.

Having said all of that, in the end I had extremely strong feelings for you. I still think about you all the time and it has taken every ounce of strength not to call you or show up at your door. I e-mailed earlier you because I was hoping you would e-mail back and then I could explain all of this. I am not trying to get back into your life, because I understand that that ship has sailed, but it has been killing me that I never got the chance to say what was on my mind. I understand if you hate me, but I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything and you really did mean a lot to me – even if I never showed it.

I would like it if you could respond to this e-mail. I am not looking to be exonerated from anything, but I do want to know if you understand. I’m quite sure you have already dealt with all of this on your end and I am sorry if I am bringing up bad memories. But I really needed to tell you all of this because the person you new six-eight months ago is not who I am.


And yes, I did send a response (just now):

i understood all of this a long time ago. i don't want to sound insensitive or clinical about this but it seems counter-productive and almost self-destructive for you to keep going over this, particularly six months after the fact. i made a choice to continue seeing you, even though i knew that you had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and that you weren't interested in anything serious. i made a choice to continue seeing you after you told me you didn't want to see me anymore....twice...in two months. i also made a choice to stop seeing you.

i know you think i hate you but i don't. i've told you several times in the past that i didn't hate you but it seems that you want to believe i do. that's your choice.

finally, just a comment about how you say that you're not a jealous person and you never have been. you are an educated and intelligent person so surely you must realize that how one person sees themselves is not necessarily how another person sees them. for example, i think of myself as shy and reserved. my close family and friends think this is bullshit and people that just meet me casually think i'm a snobby bitch. so who's right? a lot of experiences contribute to a person's opinion of someone else and i never met the mike that you know as the 'real' mike. there's not much that you (or i) can do to change that. it's water under the bridge. it's done.

i hope me answering your e-mail helps you put this whole thing behind you and i know you understand that by answering, it doesn't mean i'm inviting you back in to my life. this was simply for me to dispel any bad thoughts you might still have and to confirm that i think you're a good person and i'm glad you've got your life back on track. let's leave the past in the past and continue on our respective paths.

best of luck.

i was going to be a lot more abrupt. but i knew that would just invite a retaliation. why is it always the ones that aren't good (enough) for me the ones that chase?

on a different note, A, who just moved in with her boyfriend of 8 years about a month ago, is moving back home soon. when i questioned her about it, she said that they were fighting a lot more than usual and that it was time for a break from each other. she said this as she was trying to snuggle up with my OC at joey's on broadway. i met them for drinks on friday night. it was the Student's last day and that cutie friend of my OCs was there too. for a spell, i was sandwiched in a squishy, odd-shaped booth between my OC and his cutie friend, who claimed to have a paper route. we spent the evening chatting about his paper route (oh, he was totally bullshitting, by the way, but it was the conversation we chose to expand and embellish for the night). my OC's ex (of several years, i learned) phoned. i learned that he had recently lent her $500 because she's going to europe (and he booked the tickets for her) and that they are talking about being business partners. she's a fashion designer. i asked him if she was involved in the fashion expo at the plaza of nations this weekend that showcased new and upcoming designers. he said, wryly, "no, she's taking a more low-key approach to developing her business." they broke up december 31, 2002. he looked sad talking about her. i felt bad for him. but at least i have a little more insight. it helps.

rhetorical question

am i ever going to have a first date where the guy doesn't talk about his ex and i don't end up pseudo-counselling him about their breakup? i need to stop online dating.

i had yet another first date tonight. it's this guy that, everytime i go back to my dating site, he messages me. so, we finally met. oh, was he ever cute! quite the talker too (that's a bit of a strike against him but he was really nice). and then, we were talking about parking tickets and speeding tickets and he managed to slip in something about his ex-gf, whom apparently he has been broken up with for...oh, a month and a half. oy. he talked about their relationship and how he knew it wouldn't work from the beginning but he went out with her anyway. it was an interesting dinner (yes, dinner and against MY better judgment). i was actually the one who started the "date wrap-up" talk (you know, "so, what are your plans for the rest of the night?" and looking at my watch) and he kept talking. he hugged me as a greeting and as a goodbye so i'm not sure if he likes me or not. we'll see, i guess.

the guy i went out with on wednesday, the one i wasn't sure whether he was into me at all, phoned me last night and left a message saying he had a lot of fun and he wanted to see me again. it's funny but if i had just judged him on his profile on the site and his two messages he's left me, i would never, ever have considered going out with him. but he's one of those people that you really just have to meet to "get". i'd definitely go out with him again, just because he's lived such an interesting life that i'd like to know more about him (although apparently, i could read his mom's book and read all about it). he's probably the only guy i've been out with that didn't mention another woman once during the entire conversation. what does that say? although, he didn't walk me to the skytrain - in fact, he asked me to wait with him at his bus stop. geesh, where is the chivalry??? at least the guy today offered to drive me to the skytrain. don't worry, i walked. he was cute though.

my OC and i had a very flirty day yesterday. we had this e-mail exchange that probably could've gone on forever. at one point, he said something about eating better because he was watching his figure. i said, "i've been watching your figure - you've trimmed down in the past year, haven't you?" he responded with, "no, but i would say the same to you." it was fun. today, he was grumpy. i don't think i said more than a few words to him. tomorrow is drinks after work for the Student's last day. i won't be able to go. friends whom i haven't seen since march are more important than some guy who only pays attention to me sometimes. :)

epiphany of sorts

there is no magic to online dating, i've finally discovered. i think the idealist-dreamer in me figured that as long as i had a profile up that asked for what i wanted in a guy and in a relationship, i would eventually meet someone who fulfilled my wish list. i'm finally starting to realize (i.e. it's starting to sink into the thick skull) that online dating is not the answer to my relationship woes. since i started online dating many, many moons ago, i've had several first dates. several. lots and lots. i've run out of appendages to count the number of first dates i've had. but i could probably count on one hand (the one with five fingers on it) how many second dates i've had. in five years. not many. so what's the deal?

i've done the whole "online dating is too clinical and methodical" -thing. then i embraced the fact that online dating is really "just another way to meet people". and now, i think i really need to get out at lunch and walk around and smile at people. seriously. i think it's the only thing i haven't tried.

when i really am thinking clearly and with normal levels of estrogen (and testosterone, for that matter), i would really like to be in a relationship now. i'd love to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a couple of kids. and a dog. and a white picket fence (kidding). but at the same time, i really, honestly and truly believe that if i never find someone, i'll be okay with that. what's the saying? "a life without love is not a life but a love with no life is no love at all"? something like that. but it's true. i'd rather have a life with no love (i.e. romantic love) than a "romantic" love that was just there because you didn't know what else to do with it. i've been there and done that and it sucks. i've spent too much time in relationships that i was too scared to leave because i thought i'd never find anyone else. or that it was too comfortable to leave. or that i would just stick with it until i found someone else. so much time wasted, so much time spent trying to convince someone to love me when they didn't deserve the love i gave to them, so much time convincing myself that things would get better when i knew (not so deep down) that they would only get worse, so little time believing that i deserved better. so little. none, actually.

the idealist-dreamer me believes that there is someone "out there" for everyone. but the realist me knows that relationships are complicated and that i am still trying to carve out a place for myself in the world and perhaps i need to decide which one is more important to me. and, the guy for me might be living on the other side of the world and i may never meet him (which is why i need to travel more). of course, cynical me thinks that perhaps one of the several different guys that i have dated or been friends with or met but discounted, may have been The One, although at this time, i can't think of which one that might be.

i like to think that, outside my own life, i have heightened clarity of vision - that i can see life and the world around me from different perspectives and that i know that seeing things from multiple perspectives allows me to appreciate the complexities of people and life and situations. but it amazes me how difficult it is to step outside myself and sort out my own life. actually, i am able to step outside myself and assess my situation, life or what have you, from an all-points perspective (stop laughing). what i am not able to do is do anything about it. it's like i stand on the sidelines, watching myself make the same relationship mistakes over and over again and i'm helpless to do anything about it. i am emotionally unable to do anything about it. i hope too much. i dream too much. i'm too scared. i'm too emotional. i think too much. i don't take enough chances.

to condense a piece of writing by Nadine Stair (age 85) to really sum up what i hope to do with my life now, and not what i hope to do the next time around, "if i had to live my life over, i would take fewer things seriously, i would take more chances...i would perhaps have more actual troubles but i'd have fewer imaginary ones...."

here's hoping.

digging myself out of the hole

fuck. why do i let myself do this to...myself? i really do need professional help - not a matchmaker or a dating coach. i need counselling. i think i really do enjoy being miserable, pining after him. even Baby Man noticed that my OC was ignoring me at after-work drinks today. when i asked him for input, he said, "that's between the two of you." this from the guy who, two days ago said, "he's excited about his Canada-US relations conference but he doesn't have anyone to go with. why don't you go with him?" he was weird today - my OC, not Baby Man. did i mention that after the boardroom renos are finished, my OC's office will be even closer to my desk than it is now? when he walks down the hall towards his office, he'll see me. he'll have to take the route by my desk more often because now that route is closer to the library than his old office is. oy. thankfully, i won't be able to see him anymore from where i am. i think him going on holidays in a couple of weeks will be good for me. distance makes the heart grow fungus. i did say to my boss today, "do you realize that once renos are over, your office will be sandwiched in between the two loudest people in the office?" doors will need to be closed more often.

poor travis. poor, poor, cute little blonde technician travis. let's face it, benji did have a lot of personality but the celine dion show is basically contemporary choreography. it's mia that choreographs the show! i bet she'll hire travis anyway. she should. he's cuter. yes, i can say that i was happy for benji but i wasn't pleased with the results, overall. and now i can't wait until next year!

so, the guy i had such a good time with, that reminded me of MGF? the one that asked me if he could call me when he got back and we could go for a walk or dinner or something? he's been back a week and hasn't called or e-mailed. i knew it.

the guy i was 45 minutes late for - he cancelled thursday night. i'm hoping he just doesn't call...or rather, e-mail...again. no chemistry. none. fizzle.

one date scheduled next week for thursday. it's a guy that, everytime i go back on my dating site, he always sends me a message or a pre-fab "hello". always. this time around, i finally said, "you know, we say hello to eachother everytime i put a profile up but we've never met. let's bypass all of this and just go for a coffee." i gave him my number a few weeks ago and he finally called me the other night. next week it is. he's half-greek too. oy!

slippery slope

ok, so i'm not helping my cause. i haven't been paying much attention to my OC directly but admittedly, i did leave two animal crackers strategically placed in his office today. i couldn't stop myself, even in my own head.

i chose a sad looking panther and a picasso-esque elephant (they're store brand so they're not as detailed as the real animal crackers). i wasn't sure he'd like them because he likes the sweets. but about an hour after i left them and after he finally found them, he sent me an e-mail. he had written me an Animal Cracker Haiku. it is, by far, the cutest thing he's ever done. holy F:

"(I) eat elephant
Calorific confection;
Endangered delight."

square one. or two.

on a different note, i was on my dating site tonight and this guy IMs me. it's obvious that we've met before when he says, "hope you're doing well - i guess you're in your new condo now..." but his profile doesn't have a picture so i have no idea who it is. we chat for a bit and i ask him to send me a picture or tell me his name. he refuses and says that we went out for dinner a couple of months ago. i can only think of one guy that i met off the site that i went to dinner with but he's taller than this guy is (his height is posted on his profile). i'm about to start randomly giving out names and then he says, "to be honest, i'm insulted that you don't remember me. i remember you, even without a picture of you." after a few more little hints, i finally remembered who it was. i don't remember his name but i do remember that the first 20 minutes of our dinner was him talking about how much money he had. then, he talked about his ex for awhile (not surprisingly, she's filipino too). then, when i mentioned i was going to greece in a month, instead of doing what normal people do and ask about the trip, he said, "oh, my birth father lives in greece. i've never met him but i'm thinking of going there and surprising him...." and he continues on about his family history. and then, he doesn't call me (not that i wanted him to but his excuse was, "i figured you were busy."). and i'm supposed to remember him? i do remember him, but for all the wrong reasons. oy.

my lunch date yesterday... he was cute. and funny. and charming. and then, he asked if i was filipino (you know nothing good can ever come of this question). i said yes. he said, and i'm paraphrasing but it was basically like this: "my ex, you know - the one i lived with in coquitlam - is filipino. yeah, she had two girls - 11 and 13 - and when i moved in with them, i wanted to be like their dad but they wouldn't see me that way. my ex thought i was too strict and i told her that if they were my kids, i'd be even most strict..." it went on. and he went down a few points on my scale. despite the fact that he spent the whole lunch either staring at me or telling me how beautiful he thought i was, i am unsure about him. i should've started talking about my ex, just to see what he would say. in any event, he asked me what i was "looking for" and i said that i was just looking to meet new people, make new friends and see what heppens. nothing serious. i meant it.

am i ever going to meet anyone normal? or at least, someone that doesn't talk about their ex the first chance they get?

let me check my calendar

is it normal to be this busy? i mean, seriously, i've actually had to tell potential dates that i'm booked this week, how about next week? do people actually say that??? in any event, my date tonight wanted to reschedule to either tomorrow or thursday but i am busy on both nights. he also suggested friday night but i don't make plans with people i don't know very well on a friday night. let's face it - friday is the end of the week and i don't want to be spending it with someone who might not make it fun! terrible, i know.

just so you know, the guy that cancelled on me tonight is the one that, on our first date, started telling me about this civil claim in which he and his company are named as the defendants and then said, "i'm going to save myself some money and defend myself. depending on how things go with us, maybe you could help me out." huh? i basically tried to brush aside the whole thing by suggesting he bring a motion to have the matter dismissed and he said, "well, next time, let's go for dinner and i'll bring the file." ok, buddy. in any event, i agreed to go out with him again. girl's gotta eat, right? yet, his voicemail today was something to the effect of, "i'm sorry i have to reschedule so let's go somewhere that's more convenient for you. maybe the cactus club or the keg...or something cheaper. anyway, give me a call...." Oh, no he didn't! did he really say "something cheaper?" oy.

i was on MSN last night talking to a guy that i met on another site (Hi5 - bad idea). turned out to be older (36) and filipino (ugh). in any event, this guy that i had added to MSN from my dating site IM'd me (usually they don't after i haven't been online for weeks and weeks). we ended up chatting and i suggested we meet for coffee sometime next week (you know, because i'm booked this week). he agreed and i said something like, "coffee or lunch or something" and he said, "lunch tomorrow? sounds great!" he works 3 blocks from me so we were planning on meeting at 1 pm today. i signed off on MSN and then looked at my calendar and realized i had a birthday lunch today. so, instead of avoiding talking to him on the phone and just e-mailing him (as i am wont to do), i phoned him, apologized profusely for the mixup and we made a date for tomorrow at lunch instead. he had an accent of some sort - maybe russian? anyway, i have a lunch date for tomorrow.

thursday is with the guy that i was 45 minutes late for our date. not too thrilled about seeing him again. i hope he suggests a movie.

had a minor setback with my OC today. as per my usual MO, i stayed out of his way and ignored him when he wasn't speaking directly to me if we were in a group. he must sense a change because he's been taking the route past my desk much more frequently than usual and he's trying to catch my eye and smile at me when he does walk by. i was chatting at reception for the first time in the past couple of days, delivering candy for the ladies up front. they were both going, "mmmmmm. mmmmmm." in a rather inappropriate way and one of them said, "where did you get these? who gave them to you?" and my OC happened to walk down the hall towards us at that moment. they both looked at him and continued to "mmmmm" and one of them showed him the candy wrapper. he stopped and leaned on the counter and said, "huh. i haven't gotten a candy in awhile." we all chatted a bit about the candy and who it belonged to (i pointed at him and he said, "she holds it in trust."). he talked about his upcoming holidays and where he was going (not with whom, though). he hung out for much longer than he normally does and we walked away together. The Ghost came in to meet him for lunch today. i walked by my OC's office as he and Baby Man chatted about work and as i walked by, the Ghost was walking towards me. i smiled a big smile and said, "hey! how are you?" and with an equally big smile, he said, "good! how are you?" i didn't hang around to chat with him, although i should've.

i sent an e-mail to the OC that just said, "when are you leaving for holidays?" he answered, "as soon as possible. actually, it'll be the weekend after labour day." very, very surprising answer. he normally would've left it at "as soon as possible", just to drive me nuts. he never gives me a straight answer.

anyway, the day ended with me leaving at 5:15 (to make up for my 2 hour lunch!) and guess who gets on the elevator? we chatted on the way down about how he hasn't gotten any candy from me lately and i teased him about not taking his vitamins in a long time because otherwise, he would've found the chocolate i left him. we stood in the lobby for a bit longer, bantering mostly, and then we parted ways. i was stupid enough to listen to my Valentine's mix on myPod on the way home and by the time i got to my stop, my mental progress with Operation Forget OC had been seriously set back. oh well, back to square one. maybe square 2.

hey, notice my operation name is "OFOC". hee hee!

i'm getting there

it's a process. i had little interaction with the OC today. he walked by my desk in the late afternoon, looked back at me and smiled his little mischievous smile. that was about it. i didn't try to engage him in any conversation, didn't send him any e-mails and i stayed out of view (avoided walking by his office, didn't hover at reception, that sort of thing) for most of the day. i had to walk by his office to get to the coffee room this morning and he walked in shortly after i did. we got into a banter with another lawyer that was in there about coffee mugs going missing. i hovered for an appropriate length of time, mentioned that i coveted the coffee mug he chose to use today (it has Van Gogh's "Starry Night" on it) and then politely walked away from the conversation, leaving them to discuss the mood required in order to use the Van Gogh cup as opposed to the Lone Cowboy cup. baby steps :)

i still don't understand why he doesn't want to be friends with me!

(oh, get over it).

stop encouraging me

i had a little round-table discussion at lunch yesterday with some of the ladies at work about my OC. two of them were trying to convince me that he was really shy and i just had to be less subtle about what i wanted. my receptionist was also part of the discussion and she just kept giving me the, "don't you do it! don't go back!" look. later on, she said to me, "you know how i feel about this. leave it alone. you're in a good place now." i agreed. my Trainmate is the worst. apparently her husband and she worked together when they started dating. he's really shy and she said she chased him for a year and a half before he finally called her. she said sometimes he would seem like he was interested and other times, he acted like she wasn't alive (sound familiar???). stop encouraging me. stop giving me hopeful scenarios to hold onto. stop. because i want to stop.

i know i've said this before but i'm ready to take my profile down and give online dating a rest for the next little while. it's time consuming and hasn't yielded particularly strong potentials. i guess it's like that in the regular dating world too but maybe i'm just feeling tired. it's been sort of non-stop for me the past couple of weeks. if i haven't been out after work with an online date, it's been out with a visiting friend or out with workmates or at work or family parties and get togethers. i need some downtime!!! yet, i have one or two events coming up (my cousin's wedding in two weeks and a friend is visiting from NY at the end of next week), as well as three or four online potentials that i have yet to meet.

what's the saying? no rest for the wicked? :)

baby steps

i'm thinking of moving. desks, i mean. it's a bit difficult to "get over" my OC when he sits ten feet from me. when he prints to the printer that sits on my desk. when he walks by on his way to the conveyancers. when he stands and chats with my deskmate but not with me.

i've been feeling oversensitive the past couple of days. he was standing at the printer yesterday morning and he says to me that his office is getting carved up to make room for the new meeting rooms and we start talking about the renos that are supposed to be happening. T interjects and says something about being within throwing sight now and he physically turns around, leans on the wall surrounding my desk with his back completely to me (we are in mid-conversation) and starts talking to her instead. my Trainmate walks by at this time and give me a look so i say to her, at a good volume, "how rude is he? look at him with his back to me. thanks for including me in the conversation." she started laughing, mostly because he had no clue that i was talking about him right at him. i was so ticked, i haven't talked or looked at him since.

i don't understand why i have to feel this way. i know it's not happening; i know he's not as interested in me as i am in him; i know it would be awkward if it did happen and didn't work out; and at the risk of sounding, oh i don't know, confident, i know i'm too good to be putting up with this shit. yet i do. i melt when i see the blue eyes and that boyish grin. i internally fall all over myself when he stops to chat with me (which is hardly ever but he did on tuesday for no apparent reason, other than to tell me his weekend was crappy). fucking ass.

i went out on another first date last night. he was so much fun! very reminiscent of my Guy Friend. we didn't just talk about surface stuff; we talked about some serious personal issues (family and that sort of thing), much like my first date with MGF. he's off to his brother's wedding this weekend but he' said he'd call me when he got back. we sat and talked for two hours so i do hope he calls. in the meantime, i'm going out with someone else this weekend. :)

BTW, the calendar has been busy again. i'd like it to be less busy so i can spend some time at home but it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon. and me with no money to actually go out. not good. not good at all. is it normal that my entire upcoming paycheque has been spent already, without any exaggeration? fucking strata. gadamn bank.

speaking of strata, these fucking people are driving me fucking nuts. what a bunch of whiners. if anyone needed a lecture about living in the present and working towards the future, it's these shitheads. get over the past, you political-wannabe, control-freaks, and start working together to make the strata a better place (who put on my rose coloured glasses?)!!!!!

hmm. still feeling a bit irritated by everything. is it a full moon or something?

what you know

i've set up my new 17" flat screen monitor. holy crap is the screen ever big.

i want to start writing again. not blogging but really writing. and yet, i don't know what i want to write about. they say, "write what you know," but is what i know interesting enough to write about?

i initially started this blog to get my creative writing juices flowing again. i also started it to see whether my journal, stream-of-consciousness, informal writing style would work as fiction and then i thought, "of course it works - it's called 'Bridget Jones' Diary'." :)

i initially thought of putting together all of my blog entries to make a book of some sort. but there needs to be a theme and there needs to be some sort of coherance. i'm not sure what the common thread in my entries is. relationships perhaps? i have lots of different relationships but the one i'm really aiming for is one that has alluded me for going on five years now. how many books about love and loss and reinvention have been written? does the world need another one?

i think i'm inspired by this giant screen. well, i was using a 13" monitor prior to this one so this one is giant.

surprises

i went on two online dates this week. i mean, i went on date with two guys i met online :)

first guy, i don't think i ever would have considered going out with but he was so charming (in his IM) that i couldn't say no, even though he's only 5'8". he was kinda cute in his picture and his profile was nice enough. i went into it basically thinking that i was expanding my horizons and it wouldn't go anywhere. i met him for coffee after work on monday and we chatted and peoplewatched for two hours - and it didn't feel awkward or anything. in fact, it was like i was with MGF - except not. he was so much fun to talk to. i really enjoyed myself. we sat most of the time, seeing as though i was wearing 3" heels. he's irish and had an ever-so-slight accent. it helped! i don't know that he'll call me again but if he did, i would go out with him again - no consideration needed. despite the height thing.

second guy, i didn't have too much interest in after he told me he had spent a month in the philippines this year with his minister father and a group from their congregation, preaching religion and health. something about that struck me as wrong but maybe that's just me. in any event, i was 45 minutes late for our date (although i did phone him 4 times in the process of getting to the restaurant) and had a helluva time finding parking in Kits at 7pm the night of the fireworks (whose brilliant idea was it to meet in kits for dinner on fireworks night???). although he said he didn't mind waiting, he was obviously annoyed when i finally arrived and he managed to slide in a slag or two during dinner about me being late. really, i apologized and phoned in advance. what more do you want? he walked me to my car and asked me to a movie. i agreed but i don't see this going anywhere. he just didn't hold my attention the way the other guy did.

there is a third, although we have not been out yet. he seems really nice (but you know how that always ends up!). i am looking forward to meeting him but i won't get my hopes up.

as MGF always says to me, "so many guys, so little time." actually, every once in awhile, i'll say something, and he'll say stuff like, "i never said that. it must've been one of the other dozen guys you see."

i've been having dreams about my OC this week. nothing erotic (damn!) but increasingly emotional. monday night, he was just in my dream. i don't even remember what he was doing. tuesday night, we were about to step out into the rain and he put his left arm around me (enveloped is a better description, actually) while his right hand held two umbrellas to cover us both. wednesday night, we were in some sort of vehicle. there was a girl (not very attractive but well put together) and he leaned over and kissed her hand. i woke up from this dream, feathers completely ruffled and out of place, thinking, "OMG, he's dating someone." i was really unsettled. hopefully, no dreams tonight. moving on?

on my favorite reality program - i really want travis to win but only because he's the cute blonde. ok, he's a fabulous dancer too. benji is cute in his own way and has loads of personality and i think he'll win. neither of the girls left have enough chutzpah to take on either of the guys. that mia michaels is brutal! i now remember why i didn't like her as a judge - she's probably the most honest, though.

i took the day off tomorrow for an extra-long weekend. i walked into my boss' office today to drop of something and to pick up something and he started to chat about holidays. so, we chatted for a bit about holidays and then work and his files and i was waiting for him to give me something to do or ask me to find something but he didn't. it was just purely chat. it was nice. he was in a good mood today, probably because he's off tomorrow too.

i want to start taking on more stuff - specifically, more billable stuff. i need the money and the shot of self-esteem! if i can draft this statement of claim that's been sitting in my in-tray for about a month or so reasonably well (limitation date isn't for another year and a half so i think i'm good), i think i'll be on my way to taking stuff away from my mentor and billing more hours - or any hours for that matter.

there was an article in the paralegal association mailout that discussed some proposed changes to paralegal responsibilities. some included being able to appear on small claims matters, criminal matters where there was no chance of the accused being taken into custody and certain family matters. while i think that's great, i don't think it will happen. after all, that stuff is where articling students and junior associates get their courtroom experience. i think there is a certain autonomy i'd like to achieve in my job as a paralegal but if i wanted the kind of responsbility that some paralegals are lobbying for, i would've gone to law school. i'd rather hide behind my lawyer (and their large insurance fund), thanks very much!