it's been a rough weekend for my family. i've spent the past two days at BGH. on Christmas Day, I got word from my cousin, Ash, that her dad was in the hospital. we went that day, after going to see my grandma. i didn't actually get to see him - the nurses were frustrated that his kids wouldn't leave his bedside (he'd been in since Christmas Eve), and he hadn't gotten any real sleep because of it. they basically kicked us out of the room before we even got there.
so we waited in one of the waiting rooms for a couple of hours, talking to my cousins and talking to my aunt. he's bleeding from his rectum, but they don't know where it's coming from. they have since narrowed it down to a bleed in the intestines or in the bowel.
it's always hard for me, not because i don't have faith that he'll get better, but that my dad is upset. it's hard for me to see him crack.
boxing day, i get a call from my dad. he says that my uncle is much better and has gotten some rest, but that my grandma (their mom) has had a stroke an is also at BGH. back to the hospital we went.
the doctor in emerg basically said that she's 90 and she's not likely to spring back. it's not completely out of the question, but that it's unlikely. they've basically giving her palliative care. it was so hard to see all of my aunts and uncles breaking down.
we spent most of the day and evening at the hospital, just rotating who got to go into the room with her. four to a room and a huge filipino family - you do the math! i commented to my cousin that it's a shame that it takes something like this to get us all in one room. my cousin from Washington was driving in when i left and my cousin from edmonton was also flying in. i'll probably see them today.
i'm trying to do all of my crying now and not at the hospital. sobbing uncontrollably just sets everyone off. i'm ready to let her go - i know that sounds heartless but i've always said that grieving for someone that has live a good and long life, surrounded by family and friends, is selfish. it's the family left behind that is going to miss her most, not that she won't miss us too. but she's in so much pain right now and she's confused and trying to get out of bed when she obviously can't. it's just hard to watch. she's such a fighter and she's stubborn. knowing her, she will defy the odds and bounce back, but for how much longer?
i sometimes hate that i'm so practical about death. i suppose it's the only way i know how to deal with a situation i can't control.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
superego
i am feeling 180 degrees better than i did two days ago. it's amazing what a smack to the ol' ego will do, and when i say that, i mean that i put it back in check.
i find that whenever i'm feeling unsatisfied or unhappy, the corresponding ego-size is extra-large. it's when i think i'm better than everyone else that i start to become this pouty, whiny monster.
a good cry, an internal pep-talk, and remembering what is most important in life, is all it really took to get me back to normal. a little nutty is normal. quirky is normal. slightly manic is normal. but diva is not.
welcome back, me!
i find that whenever i'm feeling unsatisfied or unhappy, the corresponding ego-size is extra-large. it's when i think i'm better than everyone else that i start to become this pouty, whiny monster.
a good cry, an internal pep-talk, and remembering what is most important in life, is all it really took to get me back to normal. a little nutty is normal. quirky is normal. slightly manic is normal. but diva is not.
welcome back, me!
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
lowered expectations
after probably over 10 years, i finally had another breakdown at work. those of you that know me well know that i don't ever cry at work, or in front of other people. it's not something i do unless i feel completely hopeless, helpless or frustrated. today was the latter.
doesn't even matter how it happened. i had, what i would consider but was probably just an exchange of words for the other person, a tiff with one of my lawyers. i'm tired of her princess-ness. "no one ever does my work" or "i never know where my files are". you know what? BUCK YOU. (no, that's not a typo).
my problem, as Sands quickly pointed out when she followed me into the bathroom, is that i have high expectations for myself and i expect the same of other people. perhaps even higher expectations for them. i'm just so sick and tired of hearing how rough my lawyer has it whe she creates a lot of the workload problems herself. she doesn't know how to manage her practice yet. she doesn't know how to utilize her assistants properly. and what happens? things get out of control. people get pissed off. like me.
in the same vein, i wonder whether i sometimes am a bit stubborn when it comes to her work. my dislike for the area of law in general may come into play, but when i work with my other lawyers in this area, i can take everything in stride. i don't want to think it's because she's a woman or because she's also a friend that i can't work with her. but i think she's unreasonable and just because she can get her way by rubbing up against the partners, it doesn't work that way with me. in fact, it has the opposite effect.
really, though, i'm tired. i haven't had a relaxing, no-brainer vacation in many, many moons. sure, i've had vacations and long weekends but everything i've done away from work this past year has been filled with activities, mostly of my own planning. this past may was supposed to be my week-long beach vacation but that turned into the Grand Canyon and Vegas - great vacation but not exactly relaxing.
my next time away is gearing up to be exactly the same. why do i do this to myself? i am burned out but i insist on plugging along. i'm carrying over five days of holidays for this year into january, so that i don't have to take five days out of next years holidays and only be left with 10 for the majority of the year, and end up being burned out and spazzing at work by october.
yet i desperately need time off now. like, i'm going to crack if i don't get it time-off. i wish i could just use my sick days as mental health days. maybe i shouldn't plan anything for this weekend, even though i have a mentorship thing on friday night and an information session on sunday afternoon. maybe my Christmas tree just won't go up this year so i am not pressuring myself to do it on thursday just so i can have it up.
i need to sleep.
doesn't even matter how it happened. i had, what i would consider but was probably just an exchange of words for the other person, a tiff with one of my lawyers. i'm tired of her princess-ness. "no one ever does my work" or "i never know where my files are". you know what? BUCK YOU. (no, that's not a typo).
my problem, as Sands quickly pointed out when she followed me into the bathroom, is that i have high expectations for myself and i expect the same of other people. perhaps even higher expectations for them. i'm just so sick and tired of hearing how rough my lawyer has it whe she creates a lot of the workload problems herself. she doesn't know how to manage her practice yet. she doesn't know how to utilize her assistants properly. and what happens? things get out of control. people get pissed off. like me.
in the same vein, i wonder whether i sometimes am a bit stubborn when it comes to her work. my dislike for the area of law in general may come into play, but when i work with my other lawyers in this area, i can take everything in stride. i don't want to think it's because she's a woman or because she's also a friend that i can't work with her. but i think she's unreasonable and just because she can get her way by rubbing up against the partners, it doesn't work that way with me. in fact, it has the opposite effect.
really, though, i'm tired. i haven't had a relaxing, no-brainer vacation in many, many moons. sure, i've had vacations and long weekends but everything i've done away from work this past year has been filled with activities, mostly of my own planning. this past may was supposed to be my week-long beach vacation but that turned into the Grand Canyon and Vegas - great vacation but not exactly relaxing.
my next time away is gearing up to be exactly the same. why do i do this to myself? i am burned out but i insist on plugging along. i'm carrying over five days of holidays for this year into january, so that i don't have to take five days out of next years holidays and only be left with 10 for the majority of the year, and end up being burned out and spazzing at work by october.
yet i desperately need time off now. like, i'm going to crack if i don't get it time-off. i wish i could just use my sick days as mental health days. maybe i shouldn't plan anything for this weekend, even though i have a mentorship thing on friday night and an information session on sunday afternoon. maybe my Christmas tree just won't go up this year so i am not pressuring myself to do it on thursday just so i can have it up.
i need to sleep.
Friday, October 30, 2009
BCIT
i have a crush on our new associate, who is 8 years younger than me.
he's adorable. and kind of dumb, in the street-smart kind of way. really bright at work, but a low-wattage when it comes to everyday things. i don't know what it is about him. he's tall and lanky - too skinny, actually. he's an ethical vegetarian (because it's too hard to be a vegan) and he has a painted portrait of his favorite philosopher on his wall at work. he's a bit shy but blunt, without being rude (the shyness probably helps take the edge off). and the only thing he ever really initiates conversation with me about is Manny Pacquiao. he looks GQ until he opens his mouth and laughs this really dorky laugh. he's a conundrum, and i like it.
a friend of mine, who is very good at ingesting information and presenting her findings in a succinct and meaningful way, once deduced that i love guys who aren't what they look like. for example, that chinese-italian guy i met at speed dating (who, coincidentally, is a friend of her family's). he looks asian, but speaks fluent italian. or the Gigolo. hot guy who has a PhD in biochemistry. i love paradoxes.
i just have to figure out how to make that work for me. not with just the Cub (if at all, as we do work together), but in general. i will certainly have fun trying.
he's adorable. and kind of dumb, in the street-smart kind of way. really bright at work, but a low-wattage when it comes to everyday things. i don't know what it is about him. he's tall and lanky - too skinny, actually. he's an ethical vegetarian (because it's too hard to be a vegan) and he has a painted portrait of his favorite philosopher on his wall at work. he's a bit shy but blunt, without being rude (the shyness probably helps take the edge off). and the only thing he ever really initiates conversation with me about is Manny Pacquiao. he looks GQ until he opens his mouth and laughs this really dorky laugh. he's a conundrum, and i like it.
a friend of mine, who is very good at ingesting information and presenting her findings in a succinct and meaningful way, once deduced that i love guys who aren't what they look like. for example, that chinese-italian guy i met at speed dating (who, coincidentally, is a friend of her family's). he looks asian, but speaks fluent italian. or the Gigolo. hot guy who has a PhD in biochemistry. i love paradoxes.
i just have to figure out how to make that work for me. not with just the Cub (if at all, as we do work together), but in general. i will certainly have fun trying.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
visions
i went to see a psychic last night. she was recommended to me by a friend of mine, who thought she was so bang-on that as soon as i could, i made an appointment. it took me two months, but my time finally came.
i thought it wasn't meant to be. first, she called me three times in the span of 24hours over the weekend to confirm the appointment (shouldn't a psychic know that i'm out of town?). that bothers me when guys do it, and it bothers me when anyone else does it too. then, even though i left in plenty of time, i ended up getting lost and being 20 minutes late for the appointment because i thought i knew the street she lived on. i didn't.
but her readings were fairly accurate. oh sure, she could've done some research on me on the internet - lord knows if you google my name, you'll find a letter i've written to the editor or something i've posted on a webpage. but she certainly couldn't find this blog and the friend that introduced me certainly never said anything to her about me.
the highlights? i have to wait a few more months for my "guy" to come and find me. i'll be 34 when we meet, and 37 when something major happens. i'll do loads and loads of travelling in my life (yay!). she said she doesn't see me having kids, which was not a surprise to me as, in recent years, i've felt i wasn't meant to have my own kids. i don't know if that rules out adoption or being a stepmom, but i'm not sure that it doesn't either. i'm going to have a long life. and i'm stubborn and don't like people touching my stuff. true.
sure, all pretty vague stuff. but just as i was getting up to leave, she took one more look at the pictures i brought with me and said, "your brother works at a warehouse?" yes. "future shop?" yes. "oh good. that logo kept popping into my head and i couldn't understand why!" she picked up on some of my friends and family and how they relate to me. some on how their lives are going to go. and she said my Luna was a bit psychic (not psycho, but she'd be right in that respect as well).
at the end, she kept saying, "i'm not worried about you. you're going to be just fine." that's worth the $90.00, if you ask me.
i believe the future is not set in stone. yes, what she predicted for me last night may very well be what is going to happen. but if i change my course, so will my future. i think the beauty of psychics, so long as you don't take them too literally, is that they give you hope for what could lie in the future. if they predict something good, then you have that chance to project that good into the universe so that the good will come to you. if they predict something bad, then you have a chance to change it.
say what you will about psychics - they're not all bad. they just shouldn't charge so darn much for their God-given gift.
i thought it wasn't meant to be. first, she called me three times in the span of 24hours over the weekend to confirm the appointment (shouldn't a psychic know that i'm out of town?). that bothers me when guys do it, and it bothers me when anyone else does it too. then, even though i left in plenty of time, i ended up getting lost and being 20 minutes late for the appointment because i thought i knew the street she lived on. i didn't.
but her readings were fairly accurate. oh sure, she could've done some research on me on the internet - lord knows if you google my name, you'll find a letter i've written to the editor or something i've posted on a webpage. but she certainly couldn't find this blog and the friend that introduced me certainly never said anything to her about me.
the highlights? i have to wait a few more months for my "guy" to come and find me. i'll be 34 when we meet, and 37 when something major happens. i'll do loads and loads of travelling in my life (yay!). she said she doesn't see me having kids, which was not a surprise to me as, in recent years, i've felt i wasn't meant to have my own kids. i don't know if that rules out adoption or being a stepmom, but i'm not sure that it doesn't either. i'm going to have a long life. and i'm stubborn and don't like people touching my stuff. true.
sure, all pretty vague stuff. but just as i was getting up to leave, she took one more look at the pictures i brought with me and said, "your brother works at a warehouse?" yes. "future shop?" yes. "oh good. that logo kept popping into my head and i couldn't understand why!" she picked up on some of my friends and family and how they relate to me. some on how their lives are going to go. and she said my Luna was a bit psychic (not psycho, but she'd be right in that respect as well).
at the end, she kept saying, "i'm not worried about you. you're going to be just fine." that's worth the $90.00, if you ask me.
i believe the future is not set in stone. yes, what she predicted for me last night may very well be what is going to happen. but if i change my course, so will my future. i think the beauty of psychics, so long as you don't take them too literally, is that they give you hope for what could lie in the future. if they predict something good, then you have that chance to project that good into the universe so that the good will come to you. if they predict something bad, then you have a chance to change it.
say what you will about psychics - they're not all bad. they just shouldn't charge so darn much for their God-given gift.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
lessons
a friend of mine at work told me that my dog would teach me a lot about myself. i agreed, but only to be polite. how wrong i was.
i was sitting on the couch one evening, beckoning Luna to join me in watching TV. she stood there, wagging her tail and looking cute, so i grabbed her and put her on the couch with me. she wriggled away and jumped off. i was slightly frustrated - we've been living together now for 3 months and i feel like she likes me a lot, but isn't connected to me yet. three months is a long time.
and then it hit me - connections take time. love takes time. trust takes time. relationships take time. OMG, my dog has just made me realize that the reason i've been unsuccessful in "finding" someone these past few years is that i want that instantaneous connection, which I'll never get. i can't force someone to love me anymore than i can force my dog to. i can't expect someone to take an interest in me if i don't appear interested in them. also, it's easy enough to put myself "out there" to earn the love of my dog - i should be making more of an effort to get myself "out there" to earn the love of another person. baby steps.
i know that this is not new to me. but like any concept, sometimes it takes awhile...in this case, years...for it to really sink in and become something i'm truly cognizant of - that i can understand fully, identify and, most importantly, own.
good girl, Luna!
p.s. if you are wondering why i'm blogging in the middle of the afternoon on a workday, i called in sick. well, i called in "not feeling great". i wasn't. i think i'm coming down with another cold (i just got over the one i had two weeks ago) so i wanted to head this one off at the pass. plus, my traps are killing me. i was hoping to get into the RMT today but she's not working. i could go to someone else, but mine knows exactly what my problem areas are and how to help. don't mess with a good thing, you know?
i could go see my cute chiro, though. but $40 for a 10 minute crack (even though it involves a lot of body manipulation and leaning into me....oooooh, yeah) is a bit much for therapy and a thrill, even for me :)
i was sitting on the couch one evening, beckoning Luna to join me in watching TV. she stood there, wagging her tail and looking cute, so i grabbed her and put her on the couch with me. she wriggled away and jumped off. i was slightly frustrated - we've been living together now for 3 months and i feel like she likes me a lot, but isn't connected to me yet. three months is a long time.
and then it hit me - connections take time. love takes time. trust takes time. relationships take time. OMG, my dog has just made me realize that the reason i've been unsuccessful in "finding" someone these past few years is that i want that instantaneous connection, which I'll never get. i can't force someone to love me anymore than i can force my dog to. i can't expect someone to take an interest in me if i don't appear interested in them. also, it's easy enough to put myself "out there" to earn the love of my dog - i should be making more of an effort to get myself "out there" to earn the love of another person. baby steps.
i know that this is not new to me. but like any concept, sometimes it takes awhile...in this case, years...for it to really sink in and become something i'm truly cognizant of - that i can understand fully, identify and, most importantly, own.
good girl, Luna!
p.s. if you are wondering why i'm blogging in the middle of the afternoon on a workday, i called in sick. well, i called in "not feeling great". i wasn't. i think i'm coming down with another cold (i just got over the one i had two weeks ago) so i wanted to head this one off at the pass. plus, my traps are killing me. i was hoping to get into the RMT today but she's not working. i could go to someone else, but mine knows exactly what my problem areas are and how to help. don't mess with a good thing, you know?
i could go see my cute chiro, though. but $40 for a 10 minute crack (even though it involves a lot of body manipulation and leaning into me....oooooh, yeah) is a bit much for therapy and a thrill, even for me :)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
too little
there was a baby shower for a paralegal friend today. when i got the invite, i noticed that Dutch was invited. i knew he would be, since he was good friends with the new dad, but i haven't seen him since their christmas party two years ago. and even then, he still didn't remember my name, although he did remember that we had met in the past.
actually, each time we've met subsequent to our initial meeting, he's always approached me and said, "hi, i don't think we've met. i'm Dutch." i fully expected that today, and briefed Mandy on our "history" so she would know when we got there.
he came in with his new wife (they got married last summer). he took a seat beside the girl i was sitting beside. when i turned to look at him, he (i think) gave me a look and said, "hi, CG." OMG. he actually remembered my name. we didn't chat much, but i made sure to make my presence known, if you know what i mean. i'd get up to get something from the food table, or get up to get a toy for one of the kids.
he won a box of chocolates in one of the party games we played and decided to share. he turned to the girl beside me and said, "why don't i pass it down this way first?" and the girl beside me said, "don't you want to give your wife first crack at it?"
when he left, he gave me that look again and said, "it was nice to see you again, CG. i'm sure i'll see you again at another function."
when Mandy and I left, the first thing she said was, "holy, was Dutch ever checking you out! everytime you got up, he'd give you the up and down look. at one point, i wanted to say to him, 'just go and do her in the bathroom already!'" i would've been okay with that, but i don't think his wife would've been. plus, it was a kids' party.
what is wrong with men? obviously he wasn't attracted enough to me to ask me out the previous times we'd met but really? in front of your wife? oy.
actually, each time we've met subsequent to our initial meeting, he's always approached me and said, "hi, i don't think we've met. i'm Dutch." i fully expected that today, and briefed Mandy on our "history" so she would know when we got there.
he came in with his new wife (they got married last summer). he took a seat beside the girl i was sitting beside. when i turned to look at him, he (i think) gave me a look and said, "hi, CG." OMG. he actually remembered my name. we didn't chat much, but i made sure to make my presence known, if you know what i mean. i'd get up to get something from the food table, or get up to get a toy for one of the kids.
he won a box of chocolates in one of the party games we played and decided to share. he turned to the girl beside me and said, "why don't i pass it down this way first?" and the girl beside me said, "don't you want to give your wife first crack at it?"
when he left, he gave me that look again and said, "it was nice to see you again, CG. i'm sure i'll see you again at another function."
when Mandy and I left, the first thing she said was, "holy, was Dutch ever checking you out! everytime you got up, he'd give you the up and down look. at one point, i wanted to say to him, 'just go and do her in the bathroom already!'" i would've been okay with that, but i don't think his wife would've been. plus, it was a kids' party.
what is wrong with men? obviously he wasn't attracted enough to me to ask me out the previous times we'd met but really? in front of your wife? oy.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
done
perhaps i'm feeling a bit PMS-y, but i think i'm done inviting Doc Tardy to things. i know she has family obligations, but it's getting ridiculous. even though she said she would go to the movie in the park on saturday, at the last minute, she said she still had houseguests from her brother's wedding last week so she had to entertain them (excuse me? it's her brother's guest - what does that have to do with her?). she's backed out of going to whistler to go to italy again (yes, i know it's italy but this is the third time in a year...with her mom...to take care of her uncle's estate. not a vacation). she complains that she doesn't get out enough. she complains that her parents take up so much of her free time. she complains her brother doesn't help out enough. she complains she isn't meeting any eligible men. she complains she isn't having enough fun. guess what? it's her fault. oh, but she says she's knows, she knows.
i'm done inviting her out places. everyone else can if they want, but i'm done.
i'm done inviting her out places. everyone else can if they want, but i'm done.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
deja here we go again
i met this guy on the fishing website. actually, i had marked him as a favorite, intending to re-read his profile to see if i wanted to message him. i had doubts, mainly because he was one of those tall, wiry guys and we know how i look next to them. but he beat me to it. the next day, he had sent me a message that said:
"thanks for the compliment of adding me to your favorites. You are clearly beautiful and your profile sounds terrific.I look forward to finding out which of the available options made you add me as a favorite! :) All my best..."
i was very, very intrigued. we traded a couple of messages back and forth and decided to meet for coffee the next week, meaning this past thursday.
to make a long story short, it was really nice. i really liked him. it was slightly awkward but we had a lot in common and he was a genuinely nice guy. kind of geeky but really cute at the same time. really good sense of humor. tall and lanky but i could get over the lanky part because of the dark hair and blue eyes. we made plans to get together again next week and parted ways.
i sent him my usual text the next day, just re-iterating that i had a good time. he said the same and i returned the text with asking him whether he was free that sunday or the following one. he never answered it.
i pow-wowed with Mon and she said i should just phone him. when i got home from my walk this evening with Luna, i was ready to pick up the phone. but i decided to check my e-mail first, even though i have hidden my profile on the fishing site and was no longer getting e-mails. and he sent me one. i had hope. it said:
"I had a great time last week, but I had a second and third date with someone else, and we've decided to become exclusive. I'm jut about to delete my profile.Thanks for a great time, and good luck!"
AGAIN? REALLY? this is the third time this year that i've connected with someone and they've picked someone else, and about the six or seventh time in my dating history that it's happened. Really?
i must have really shitty dating karma.
"thanks for the compliment of adding me to your favorites. You are clearly beautiful and your profile sounds terrific.I look forward to finding out which of the available options made you add me as a favorite! :) All my best..."
i was very, very intrigued. we traded a couple of messages back and forth and decided to meet for coffee the next week, meaning this past thursday.
to make a long story short, it was really nice. i really liked him. it was slightly awkward but we had a lot in common and he was a genuinely nice guy. kind of geeky but really cute at the same time. really good sense of humor. tall and lanky but i could get over the lanky part because of the dark hair and blue eyes. we made plans to get together again next week and parted ways.
i sent him my usual text the next day, just re-iterating that i had a good time. he said the same and i returned the text with asking him whether he was free that sunday or the following one. he never answered it.
i pow-wowed with Mon and she said i should just phone him. when i got home from my walk this evening with Luna, i was ready to pick up the phone. but i decided to check my e-mail first, even though i have hidden my profile on the fishing site and was no longer getting e-mails. and he sent me one. i had hope. it said:
"I had a great time last week, but I had a second and third date with someone else, and we've decided to become exclusive. I'm jut about to delete my profile.Thanks for a great time, and good luck!"
AGAIN? REALLY? this is the third time this year that i've connected with someone and they've picked someone else, and about the six or seventh time in my dating history that it's happened. Really?
i must have really shitty dating karma.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
re-think
i recently re-took an online version of the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test and discovered that i have changed. for so many years, i my type has always been INFJ (introverted-intuitive-feeling-judging). it's a very rare type (i think i prided myself on it).
when i re-took it, i ended up being an ISFJ (introverted-sensing-feeling-judging). the description i found on the internet made so much more sense - it was basically a portrait of me:
http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html
even the career suggestions included mine. i was pleased. until i found the link that said which MB type i should be with - ESFP (extraverted-sensing-feeling-perceiving) or ESTP (extraverted-sensing-thinking-perceiving). extraverts? really? i mean, i know i need someone who is more outgoing than i am, but an extravert?
oddly enough, in my online dating exploits, i've specifically avoided men who were in sales, marketing or actors. and who are ESFPs or ESTPs? Salesmen, marketers and performers. Oy.
when i re-took it, i ended up being an ISFJ (introverted-sensing-feeling-judging). the description i found on the internet made so much more sense - it was basically a portrait of me:
http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html
even the career suggestions included mine. i was pleased. until i found the link that said which MB type i should be with - ESFP (extraverted-sensing-feeling-perceiving) or ESTP (extraverted-sensing-thinking-perceiving). extraverts? really? i mean, i know i need someone who is more outgoing than i am, but an extravert?
oddly enough, in my online dating exploits, i've specifically avoided men who were in sales, marketing or actors. and who are ESFPs or ESTPs? Salesmen, marketers and performers. Oy.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
humid
ugh, it's humid. there was a storm last night. i was not pleased. i haven't had to deal with thunderstorms here in at least five years so being at an outdoor festival was not a good combo.
i should have known. it was humid and hot for most of the morning yesterday and then by the afternoon when we were heading out to the festival, it had cooled down quite a bit. i had hoped the rain and storm would hold off until i got home, but as i was not in 100% control of when we left or what we did after the festival, i literally had to weather the storm. we ended up at a coffee shop in north van where Doc Tardy was being set up with Magpie's friend's brother. it was raining when we got there but within 20 minutes of us sitting down, the lightning started. and i had a mini-meltdown in the washroom. seriously, i need hypnosis.
we waited it out for a couple of hours and then the whole business of me getting home in the dark started to worry me. couple that we me having to take Luna out for her evening washroom break before bed and i was not a happy camper.
don't laugh, but when i got home, i called my brother. he and my dad were on their way home from my Lola's house, so i asked them to come by to walk Luna. my dad obliged and they ended up staying for a hour and a half. my dad really likes my dog.
hopefully today is better. it's sunny out there with nary a cloud in the sky but it's humid again. please storm at night when i'm sleeping, if it has to storm at all!
i should have known. it was humid and hot for most of the morning yesterday and then by the afternoon when we were heading out to the festival, it had cooled down quite a bit. i had hoped the rain and storm would hold off until i got home, but as i was not in 100% control of when we left or what we did after the festival, i literally had to weather the storm. we ended up at a coffee shop in north van where Doc Tardy was being set up with Magpie's friend's brother. it was raining when we got there but within 20 minutes of us sitting down, the lightning started. and i had a mini-meltdown in the washroom. seriously, i need hypnosis.
we waited it out for a couple of hours and then the whole business of me getting home in the dark started to worry me. couple that we me having to take Luna out for her evening washroom break before bed and i was not a happy camper.
don't laugh, but when i got home, i called my brother. he and my dad were on their way home from my Lola's house, so i asked them to come by to walk Luna. my dad obliged and they ended up staying for a hour and a half. my dad really likes my dog.
hopefully today is better. it's sunny out there with nary a cloud in the sky but it's humid again. please storm at night when i'm sleeping, if it has to storm at all!
Monday, July 20, 2009
friends
my dad called me the other day and told me about the packages he was offered by his company. he read out the three options and i immediately said, "dad, you gotta call mom. i know nothing about this stuff."
apparently he did. and apparently, they're friends now. weird.
i think Luna has something to do with it - he's got something to take care of again, which gives him a sense of purpose everyday (my underlying reason of getting her, afterall). second, now that he's not working anymore, he doesn't take as many painkillers as he used to, so he's detoxed and is no longer House-like in his moods.
my mom said he offered her a ride to my grandma's birthday party on saturday and then said she could use the car whenever she needed one, so she wouldn't have to rent one anymore. weird, right?
i'm glad he's finally come around. it's hard having one parent despise the other. hopefully it lasts.
apparently he did. and apparently, they're friends now. weird.
i think Luna has something to do with it - he's got something to take care of again, which gives him a sense of purpose everyday (my underlying reason of getting her, afterall). second, now that he's not working anymore, he doesn't take as many painkillers as he used to, so he's detoxed and is no longer House-like in his moods.
my mom said he offered her a ride to my grandma's birthday party on saturday and then said she could use the car whenever she needed one, so she wouldn't have to rent one anymore. weird, right?
i'm glad he's finally come around. it's hard having one parent despise the other. hopefully it lasts.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
end of an era
i phoned my dad this evening just to tell him that there was a good sale on Purex toilet paper at Extra foods (12 double 3-ply rolls for $4.96 - a steal!). i then asked him how he was doing and he told me that, after much consideration, he's decided to stop working.
he's been a physical laborer ever since we moved here 31 years ago and that's a long time to be thrashing your body around. he only had 2 years to retirement but he says that his company is going to start offering packages to people who are close to retirement. hopefully they offer him something good.
in the meantime, he's applied for disability. i asked him whether he could afford to do that, quit working, and he said, "what choice do i have?"
had my parents stayed together, he'd have retired with less worry than he has to now. he would have done it because he was ready, not because he physically couldn't work anymore. he told me he emailed my mom to let her know. i haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, but i'm interested to hear what she has to say.
i told him i would hire him as my dog walker and he laughed. i know he'll enjoy spending time with Luna, as well as having something to do everyday. it won't be much, but at least he'll be getting out. i told him he should look into doing it as a part-time job. at $10 a pooch, 5 days a week, he'd be just fine.
i really am getting older. it's weird. and really scary.
he's been a physical laborer ever since we moved here 31 years ago and that's a long time to be thrashing your body around. he only had 2 years to retirement but he says that his company is going to start offering packages to people who are close to retirement. hopefully they offer him something good.
in the meantime, he's applied for disability. i asked him whether he could afford to do that, quit working, and he said, "what choice do i have?"
had my parents stayed together, he'd have retired with less worry than he has to now. he would have done it because he was ready, not because he physically couldn't work anymore. he told me he emailed my mom to let her know. i haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, but i'm interested to hear what she has to say.
i told him i would hire him as my dog walker and he laughed. i know he'll enjoy spending time with Luna, as well as having something to do everyday. it won't be much, but at least he'll be getting out. i told him he should look into doing it as a part-time job. at $10 a pooch, 5 days a week, he'd be just fine.
i really am getting older. it's weird. and really scary.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
reality
i was flipping channels and came upon the end of a show where the main character (i'm assuming, since she was doing the final, Wonder Years-esque voice-over) watched as her mom was sentenced to spend a month in a rehab facililty. the voice-over said something about how the fog of childhood lifts when you finally see your parents as people, and not just your parents. how true that is.
it's become readily apparent to me in the past four years that the fog has lifted and just like Jimmy Cliff, i can see clearly now. or at least, a little more clear.
i think my dad is sinking into a deeper depression. i didn't want to believe he was depressed before, but there's no other way i can describe it. i've asked The Angels whether i should intervene and try to help him, and they said no. i understand - he's a big boy and can take care of himself. but that doesn't mean it doesn't worry me.
it's not that i think he'll do anything to harm himself. i think he just wants people to feel sorry for him, which is pretty sad in itself. i know he sees himself as a victim of the separation. he hears about my mom spending three weeks in Europe after having spent three weeks earlier this year in the Philippines and i know he's bitter. or jealous. or angry. or something. but he sloughs everything off like it's nothing. but you can just feel that it's eating away at him.
i have the opportunity to get a dog for free, basically. i know it's not the right time for me, but i have this feeling that if i get the dog, and if my dad warms up to it, then perhaps the dog might be some built-in therapy for him. something that accepts him for who he is, but loves him unconditionally anyway - you know, what my mom couldn't do for him. i think he just needs someone or something to care about again.
it's a bit of a risk, getting a dog and hoping that it will help my dad emotionally, but i think i'm willing to do it. it'll probably help me out a little too.
it's become readily apparent to me in the past four years that the fog has lifted and just like Jimmy Cliff, i can see clearly now. or at least, a little more clear.
i think my dad is sinking into a deeper depression. i didn't want to believe he was depressed before, but there's no other way i can describe it. i've asked The Angels whether i should intervene and try to help him, and they said no. i understand - he's a big boy and can take care of himself. but that doesn't mean it doesn't worry me.
it's not that i think he'll do anything to harm himself. i think he just wants people to feel sorry for him, which is pretty sad in itself. i know he sees himself as a victim of the separation. he hears about my mom spending three weeks in Europe after having spent three weeks earlier this year in the Philippines and i know he's bitter. or jealous. or angry. or something. but he sloughs everything off like it's nothing. but you can just feel that it's eating away at him.
i have the opportunity to get a dog for free, basically. i know it's not the right time for me, but i have this feeling that if i get the dog, and if my dad warms up to it, then perhaps the dog might be some built-in therapy for him. something that accepts him for who he is, but loves him unconditionally anyway - you know, what my mom couldn't do for him. i think he just needs someone or something to care about again.
it's a bit of a risk, getting a dog and hoping that it will help my dad emotionally, but i think i'm willing to do it. it'll probably help me out a little too.
Monday, June 15, 2009
in touch
George suggested a lunch for all us girls for this past saturday. she had thrown out white rock, which i loved. i responded to the e-mail and said, "that's great! i was going to suggest lonsdale because of this artisan market that will be there, but white rock is good too!" and of course, everyone else said, "both sound good. doesn't matter to me." i was so ticked off, i purposefully didn't respond until saturday morning.
by then, the responses were all pointing towards lonsdale, so we all made our plans. George parked her car at my building and we walked to the skytrain together. we then took the seabus (which i've never taken) to the Quay. we did a bit of a wander whilst waiting for Doc Tardy and T to show up. once we were all together, we picked a restaurant for lunch and sat on the patio. we chatted and ate and chatted. then we wandered around the shops, ending up in a little jewelry store specializing in local, Canadian artists. we all ended up buying rings and T and George ended up buying earrings and necklaces to go with their rings. then we drove to park royal village and did a bit more shopping there. we ended the afternoon with a coffee and then Doc drove us to the skytrain. it was probably one of the best days i've spent in a really long time. and i almost didn't end up going because of how stubborn i am.
i think .... i know over the years, i've tended to turn inwards for everything because i haven't wanted to deal with the rejection from friends or potential dates or family. it's made me a colder person. i don't think i'm a cold person, but i now come across that way because of this fear of failure and rejection that i have. it's weird.
and even though i was at work today until 5:30, i did spend some time with Mon, just chatting but also building the bond we have started to form. it sounds a bit corny when i say it, but ultimately that's what is happening. i know she's looking for a new attachment now that A is gone, but that doesn't mean i'm second or a consolation prize. it just means she now has time to get to know me and vice-versa.
in a weird way, spending more time at work is fostering new friendships and strengthening existing ones. but it probably also means my work suffers a little too :)
speaking of work, the new guy started today. OMG, is he ever adorable! we called him hot new guy behind his back but now that i've gotten a good look at him, he is just so adorable, there's no way i can call him hot, or even be hot for him. the 7 year age difference probably helps keep my hormones in check too. seriously, he is so cute, i want to pinch his cheeks. and no, not those ones.
by then, the responses were all pointing towards lonsdale, so we all made our plans. George parked her car at my building and we walked to the skytrain together. we then took the seabus (which i've never taken) to the Quay. we did a bit of a wander whilst waiting for Doc Tardy and T to show up. once we were all together, we picked a restaurant for lunch and sat on the patio. we chatted and ate and chatted. then we wandered around the shops, ending up in a little jewelry store specializing in local, Canadian artists. we all ended up buying rings and T and George ended up buying earrings and necklaces to go with their rings. then we drove to park royal village and did a bit more shopping there. we ended the afternoon with a coffee and then Doc drove us to the skytrain. it was probably one of the best days i've spent in a really long time. and i almost didn't end up going because of how stubborn i am.
i think .... i know over the years, i've tended to turn inwards for everything because i haven't wanted to deal with the rejection from friends or potential dates or family. it's made me a colder person. i don't think i'm a cold person, but i now come across that way because of this fear of failure and rejection that i have. it's weird.
and even though i was at work today until 5:30, i did spend some time with Mon, just chatting but also building the bond we have started to form. it sounds a bit corny when i say it, but ultimately that's what is happening. i know she's looking for a new attachment now that A is gone, but that doesn't mean i'm second or a consolation prize. it just means she now has time to get to know me and vice-versa.
in a weird way, spending more time at work is fostering new friendships and strengthening existing ones. but it probably also means my work suffers a little too :)
speaking of work, the new guy started today. OMG, is he ever adorable! we called him hot new guy behind his back but now that i've gotten a good look at him, he is just so adorable, there's no way i can call him hot, or even be hot for him. the 7 year age difference probably helps keep my hormones in check too. seriously, he is so cute, i want to pinch his cheeks. and no, not those ones.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
brevity
i was tired this morning. i didn't have a very good sleep, despite the fact that i went to bed fairly early. i kept waking up in the middle of the night, not wanting to open my eyes because i knew it wasn't time to get up, but at the same time wondering if i was wrong.
when the elevator door opened to our floor at work, i took one step out and saw the Mentor staring at me expectantly. i thought, "she couldn't possibly be rude enough to stalk me at the elevator like the lawyers do. who does she think she is?"
but she launched right into her spiel, "i have to do this response today and i don't know anything about this file. it's A's file and she's not here anymore and i don't know what to do..." blah, blah, blah. she followed me from the reception area to the kitchen, and then to my desk. i stared at her incredulously, but it was lost on her. i was so angry.
in fact, i was pissy all morning. everytime i heard that parrot-voice of hers (squawk, squawk), i cringed internally. i barely said a word to anyone.
then, i was angry at myself for letting her get to me. so i was in an even pissier mood. and then i remembered Lesson 3 of the 45 Life Lessons:
"life is too short to waste time hating anyone." so true. instead of letting myself wallow in my anger as i do, i did my best to shake it off. and i managed to do it before lunch. i think the mocha and chocolate chip banana bread helped. i suppose it's also not helpful that i'm PMSing. well, whatever works, yeh?
when the elevator door opened to our floor at work, i took one step out and saw the Mentor staring at me expectantly. i thought, "she couldn't possibly be rude enough to stalk me at the elevator like the lawyers do. who does she think she is?"
but she launched right into her spiel, "i have to do this response today and i don't know anything about this file. it's A's file and she's not here anymore and i don't know what to do..." blah, blah, blah. she followed me from the reception area to the kitchen, and then to my desk. i stared at her incredulously, but it was lost on her. i was so angry.
in fact, i was pissy all morning. everytime i heard that parrot-voice of hers (squawk, squawk), i cringed internally. i barely said a word to anyone.
then, i was angry at myself for letting her get to me. so i was in an even pissier mood. and then i remembered Lesson 3 of the 45 Life Lessons:
"life is too short to waste time hating anyone." so true. instead of letting myself wallow in my anger as i do, i did my best to shake it off. and i managed to do it before lunch. i think the mocha and chocolate chip banana bread helped. i suppose it's also not helpful that i'm PMSing. well, whatever works, yeh?
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
small steps
A's last day at work was friday. i believe she was politely asked to leave. i think it's pretty obvious that was the case. in any event, there are a few of us left now to pick up the pieces. literally, to deal with the messes she left. i came to work yesterday and there were stacks of files on my floor with memos attached and boxes of binders for files i hadn't seen in years. i was surrounded by files.
now, normally that's the way i work anyway, but this was ridiculous. everytime i rolled my chair back, i'd run over a file. whenever someone would bring me more work, i'd take it, look at the various piles on my desk, shake my head and make space for it.
i found myself sitting in my chair, more work than i've had in months staring me in the face, and all i could do was stare back at the piles and wonder, "how am i even going to deal with this?"
when in doubt, take small steps. so that's what i did. i took one thing off the pile of emergencies and started to work. when the Ninja came up to me and handed me something he said was urgent, i put my other task aside, tackled the Ninja's assignment and then went back to what i was doing. when Mr. Postman came up to me and handed me a file he wanted me to prep for trial next week, i put aside my self-assigned task and spent an hour organizing his file.
the piles on my desk are not any smaller and the personal day i'm taking today is not going to make those piles shrink, but i can only do what i can do.
the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. and the journey of a thousand files begins with one small piece of paper.
now, normally that's the way i work anyway, but this was ridiculous. everytime i rolled my chair back, i'd run over a file. whenever someone would bring me more work, i'd take it, look at the various piles on my desk, shake my head and make space for it.
i found myself sitting in my chair, more work than i've had in months staring me in the face, and all i could do was stare back at the piles and wonder, "how am i even going to deal with this?"
when in doubt, take small steps. so that's what i did. i took one thing off the pile of emergencies and started to work. when the Ninja came up to me and handed me something he said was urgent, i put my other task aside, tackled the Ninja's assignment and then went back to what i was doing. when Mr. Postman came up to me and handed me a file he wanted me to prep for trial next week, i put aside my self-assigned task and spent an hour organizing his file.
the piles on my desk are not any smaller and the personal day i'm taking today is not going to make those piles shrink, but i can only do what i can do.
the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. and the journey of a thousand files begins with one small piece of paper.
Monday, June 08, 2009
the truth shall set you back on track
i went to go visit my dad yesterday. i hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. about 45 minutes into the visit, i sit on the couch near the chair where he is sitting. he says, "are you getting fat again?"
i said no. and then i said maybe. time to cut out the ice cream and chocolate again.
damn.
i said no. and then i said maybe. time to cut out the ice cream and chocolate again.
damn.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
competition
i'm very competitive. and i'm also fairly realistic. does the combination of the two make for a go-getter? no, not in my case.
i hate to lament once more and for the umpteenth time about online dating, but i really don't know why i continue to subject myself to it. i enjoy the variety that is offered but as i said before, i tend to stick with the same thing. it's like when i go to certain restaurants - i always look at the menu, and always consider my options but in the end, i always get my usual. i'm a girl that likes having options. lots and lots of options. i'd be one of those celebrities with the yard-long list of food demands in my dressing room, but only ended up nibbling on the M&Ms. (actually, who am i kidding - when it comes to a buffet of food, i'll one of everything).
anyhoo, i'm once again feeling like a competitor, and i don't like that feeling. i know that's just the way it is when you're trying to meet someone, but honestly, the online experience heightens that feeling. it's probably because the talent pool is much larger because the arms of the web extend far past the reaches of downtown or my neighbourhood. i'm meeting people that i never would have met had it not been for online dating and once again, i think that perhaps there was a reason for that
meeting JW tomorrow. you wonder why i'm feeling bleh about it.
i hate to lament once more and for the umpteenth time about online dating, but i really don't know why i continue to subject myself to it. i enjoy the variety that is offered but as i said before, i tend to stick with the same thing. it's like when i go to certain restaurants - i always look at the menu, and always consider my options but in the end, i always get my usual. i'm a girl that likes having options. lots and lots of options. i'd be one of those celebrities with the yard-long list of food demands in my dressing room, but only ended up nibbling on the M&Ms. (actually, who am i kidding - when it comes to a buffet of food, i'll one of everything).
anyhoo, i'm once again feeling like a competitor, and i don't like that feeling. i know that's just the way it is when you're trying to meet someone, but honestly, the online experience heightens that feeling. it's probably because the talent pool is much larger because the arms of the web extend far past the reaches of downtown or my neighbourhood. i'm meeting people that i never would have met had it not been for online dating and once again, i think that perhaps there was a reason for that
meeting JW tomorrow. you wonder why i'm feeling bleh about it.
midnight sparks
i just finished watching "nights in rodanthe". damn it, if nicholas sparks got me again. as i watched, kept checking the time to see how far into the movie i was, and how much longer it was going to take. not always a good sign. it's not that it was a long movie - in fact, i think it was under 2 hours. i just kept wondering when something bad was going to happen (because you know something is). in fact, something did but i didn't get teary when i found out something bad happened. i got teary when diane lane's character sank into such a state of despondence and depression that her 15 year old daughter had to pick up her pieces.
but that didn't make me sad. what made me sad is that i haven't felt that way about someone in so long. sure, i've gotten so attached to someone that i thought i felt that sad when they were no longer a part of my life. but feeling that heart-wrenching, stomach-twisting ache for someone...it's such a foreign feeling to me now.
i know the walls that i've put up are to keep me feeling safe and emotionally unhurt, but it's tough on a softie like me. i wonder sometimes when it all turned around for me; when did the walls begin to go up? it's one of those things you don't realize has happened until one day, you try to reach out and make a connection, but end up hitting the walls you've built around you (obviously not you, specifically, but you as a generalization).
i've always said that i never want to feel that kind of hurt again - it sucks, you know? what i am starting to realize is that i'm not just keeping hurt at arm's length; i'm keeping the potential for love at arm's length too. great love doesn't come without great pain (although i always think that love should be the dominant feeling, at least 90% of the time), just like great success doesn't come without great sacrifice. have i become so scared of the possibility of being hurt again that i've sacrificed my potential for an important facet of happiness?
the body and mind are such amazing mechanisms. the body's ability to heal itself is a constant source of wonder to me (it brings to mind my first trip to Mexico many years ago). and the mind's ability to facilitate physical healing is nothing short of a miracle. it fascinates me that while the mind has healing powers, it also has the power to cast doubt and raise suspicion in its thinker. like an awkward, teen-aged Clark Kent who is just discovering his powers or an aging wizard who has lost some control over his magic wand, sometimes the mind is so powerful, it can hurt itself and its owner.
i think it's time for bed.
but that didn't make me sad. what made me sad is that i haven't felt that way about someone in so long. sure, i've gotten so attached to someone that i thought i felt that sad when they were no longer a part of my life. but feeling that heart-wrenching, stomach-twisting ache for someone...it's such a foreign feeling to me now.
i know the walls that i've put up are to keep me feeling safe and emotionally unhurt, but it's tough on a softie like me. i wonder sometimes when it all turned around for me; when did the walls begin to go up? it's one of those things you don't realize has happened until one day, you try to reach out and make a connection, but end up hitting the walls you've built around you (obviously not you, specifically, but you as a generalization).
i've always said that i never want to feel that kind of hurt again - it sucks, you know? what i am starting to realize is that i'm not just keeping hurt at arm's length; i'm keeping the potential for love at arm's length too. great love doesn't come without great pain (although i always think that love should be the dominant feeling, at least 90% of the time), just like great success doesn't come without great sacrifice. have i become so scared of the possibility of being hurt again that i've sacrificed my potential for an important facet of happiness?
the body and mind are such amazing mechanisms. the body's ability to heal itself is a constant source of wonder to me (it brings to mind my first trip to Mexico many years ago). and the mind's ability to facilitate physical healing is nothing short of a miracle. it fascinates me that while the mind has healing powers, it also has the power to cast doubt and raise suspicion in its thinker. like an awkward, teen-aged Clark Kent who is just discovering his powers or an aging wizard who has lost some control over his magic wand, sometimes the mind is so powerful, it can hurt itself and its owner.
i think it's time for bed.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
all's fair
i was listening to Sands complaining about how the Cougar always seems to get what she wants, be it a free parking spot or some guy helping her re-model her kitchen for just the cost of materials. she knew she shouldn't complain because the Cougar has had her share of hard knocks and besides, those who don't ask, don't get, right?
so i told her to look at the siuation with some perspctive. the Cougar gets free parking spots and free tickets to hockey games because she has zero shame and just asks. she's not proud - she'll ask for anything if she thinks she can get it. Sands isn't like that. she is very proud and i pointed out to her that her pride is what keeps her from getting the freebies. no one gets freebies who doesn't ask for it. and Sands won't part with her pride for one minute. so, she has to sacrifice a good parking space every now and then because she doesn't want to lower herself to the Cougar's standard.
and take a look at the Cougar's life. she is a survivor and self-provider because she has to be. she raised two kids on her own after she left an emotionally-abusive marriage. would Sands trade her life for the Cougar's? nope.
some traits, such as that "go get 'em" attitude are borne from necessity. i'm thankful that i've lived a life where i've had to "go get 'em" because i wanted to, not because i had no choice.
life isn't always fair, but it's good when you put it in perspective.
so i told her to look at the siuation with some perspctive. the Cougar gets free parking spots and free tickets to hockey games because she has zero shame and just asks. she's not proud - she'll ask for anything if she thinks she can get it. Sands isn't like that. she is very proud and i pointed out to her that her pride is what keeps her from getting the freebies. no one gets freebies who doesn't ask for it. and Sands won't part with her pride for one minute. so, she has to sacrifice a good parking space every now and then because she doesn't want to lower herself to the Cougar's standard.
and take a look at the Cougar's life. she is a survivor and self-provider because she has to be. she raised two kids on her own after she left an emotionally-abusive marriage. would Sands trade her life for the Cougar's? nope.
some traits, such as that "go get 'em" attitude are borne from necessity. i'm thankful that i've lived a life where i've had to "go get 'em" because i wanted to, not because i had no choice.
life isn't always fair, but it's good when you put it in perspective.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
45 life lessons
i received one of those "life lesson" forwards today from a friend. i always read them because i always like to be reminded of what i should be thankful of, but what i often lose sight of. so now, i produce them here for you:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
and now, i have a new project for myself. for the next 45 entries (or at least, when i don't have anything in particular to write about), i will write about a life lesson. in order. and the entry will either be about the lesson itself and how i feel about it, or a story that i can share that deals with the lesson. perhaps i can write about how i plan on learning the lesson or why i don't think the lesson is quite up to scratch.
this should be interesting. thank goodness there's no good TV on. ooh, except SYTYCD. ciao!
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
oy.
yes, two posts in one day. what can i say? i'm trying to get my 10,000 hours in.
i was just looking at my "favorites" list on the fishing site and WTF. every single guy i've marked on my favorites looks exactly like the guy above him and below. talk about Type.
forget hypnotherapy for over-eating or compulsive shopping. i need hypnotherapy to get over my dark-haired, pretty-boy obsession.
ha! they weren't even blond.
i was just looking at my "favorites" list on the fishing site and WTF. every single guy i've marked on my favorites looks exactly like the guy above him and below. talk about Type.
forget hypnotherapy for over-eating or compulsive shopping. i need hypnotherapy to get over my dark-haired, pretty-boy obsession.
ha! they weren't even blond.
Ms. Complacent
last week, i came in to work and it was raining from the ceiling above my computer. two floors up on the 18th floor, the plumbed-in coffee machine had burst a pipe, and it leaked all the way down to the fourth floor. needless to say, there was some water damage to our little corner of the office.
a good part of the week, i was working with two industrial-sized fans blowing my papers around. i had to clean off my desk so the drywaller guys could get access to the window and the ceiling. i had to deal with walls banging and de-humidifying. okay, it wasn't just me that had to deal with it, but apparently i dealt with it in the most pleasing way because one of the partners handed me an envelope today and said, "here ya go."
i opened it up and there was a thank you card that basically said thank you for putting up with all of the disturbance, and they enclosed a $50 gift certificate to the Milestones chain of restaurants. nice! i didn't want to bring it up to Mon, mostly because i don't think she'll get one for her troubles (and her office sustained the most damage, including that to her law degree). however, she was the most vocal about how displeased she was, so i think i will keep my bounty to myself.
on the JW front, we had a long conversation on the phone yesterday. what i find unusual about him is that he wants to know how to handle me - most guys could care less. he wanted to know what he could expect from me (behaviour-wise) as we got to know each other, what he should do to make things easier to get to know me, etc. it was weird just being able to say, "okay, so i'm an introvert. you need to be patient enough with me to let me get accustomed to you at my own pace, but forward enough to just drag me out and say, 'enough sitting around, let's go out and do something.'" i told him that he was doing well as far as getting to know me was concerned, because i was still talking to him and he hadn't done anything to annoy me once. he thought that was pretty funny.
oddly, he never mentioned the whole HPV thing. i suppose he assumes i'll see it on his profile, or perhaps he'll mention it when we've decided to actually start spending time together. right now, we're basically just getting to know each other through emails and phone calls but nothing has been established yet as far as whether we'll actually try to be friends or more. we have to meet in person first.
and again, i don't know if i can do more just because of his medical situation. he alluded a lot to "creative sex" yesterday, but never really said why. i didn't ask because it's an icky conversation to have ("so, did you cheat on your girlfriend or did your girlfriend cheat on you?"). i definitely think we could be friends though. he's different enough from me that he'll draw me out, but not so different that i wouldn't want to spend any time with him.
it helps that he's hot, too.
a good part of the week, i was working with two industrial-sized fans blowing my papers around. i had to clean off my desk so the drywaller guys could get access to the window and the ceiling. i had to deal with walls banging and de-humidifying. okay, it wasn't just me that had to deal with it, but apparently i dealt with it in the most pleasing way because one of the partners handed me an envelope today and said, "here ya go."
i opened it up and there was a thank you card that basically said thank you for putting up with all of the disturbance, and they enclosed a $50 gift certificate to the Milestones chain of restaurants. nice! i didn't want to bring it up to Mon, mostly because i don't think she'll get one for her troubles (and her office sustained the most damage, including that to her law degree). however, she was the most vocal about how displeased she was, so i think i will keep my bounty to myself.
on the JW front, we had a long conversation on the phone yesterday. what i find unusual about him is that he wants to know how to handle me - most guys could care less. he wanted to know what he could expect from me (behaviour-wise) as we got to know each other, what he should do to make things easier to get to know me, etc. it was weird just being able to say, "okay, so i'm an introvert. you need to be patient enough with me to let me get accustomed to you at my own pace, but forward enough to just drag me out and say, 'enough sitting around, let's go out and do something.'" i told him that he was doing well as far as getting to know me was concerned, because i was still talking to him and he hadn't done anything to annoy me once. he thought that was pretty funny.
oddly, he never mentioned the whole HPV thing. i suppose he assumes i'll see it on his profile, or perhaps he'll mention it when we've decided to actually start spending time together. right now, we're basically just getting to know each other through emails and phone calls but nothing has been established yet as far as whether we'll actually try to be friends or more. we have to meet in person first.
and again, i don't know if i can do more just because of his medical situation. he alluded a lot to "creative sex" yesterday, but never really said why. i didn't ask because it's an icky conversation to have ("so, did you cheat on your girlfriend or did your girlfriend cheat on you?"). i definitely think we could be friends though. he's different enough from me that he'll draw me out, but not so different that i wouldn't want to spend any time with him.
it helps that he's hot, too.
Monday, June 01, 2009
heat
it's probably the hottest day of the year so far, and i've been in the kitchen since 6:15. i made my szechuan green beans for tomorrow and Wednesday's lunch. then i made a cake (which is still baking - remind me never to use glassware to bake ever again). and then i made some chicken breasts to go with the beans. it's so hot in this apartment right now.
but i've been listening to my Chillaxin' mix, enjoying my pseudo-domesticity. i even washed and dried all the dishes! i must be PMSing.
that's the good thing about this time of year. all my favorite shows are now on re-runs so i have time in the evenings to do real stuff - read a book, work on my writing, go for a walk, bake, cook, date.
i was sitting in the boardroom with some people from work on friday and MK happened to mention that i was single (or lumped me in with her and other single girlfriends) and one of the lawyers said, "you don't have a boyfriend? that surprises me." someone else piped in, "i know; i just don't get it." then they all took turns listing off the reasons why i am such a great catch - i cook, i bake, i own my own place, i'm good-looking, i'm smart, i'm funny... i finally said, "exactly! who wants to put up with that kind of perfection?'' :)
i watched the movie "Up" on Saturday. it was really cute and it made me cry a bit. i always cry at movies where the male character shows undying love and devotion to the female one. and then, yesterday, i saw "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". i thought it was really cute! i'm starting to like Jennifer Garner. she annoyed me before but she's got her charm. and Matthew McConaughey....mmmm, delicious. and then, the icing on the cake was that Daniel Sunjata was the romantic rival. i audibly "oh'd". T laughed at me. but he is worth an oh and so much more. tasty morsel of a man! ah, but this movie made me cry too. it was completely predictable how it ended and i don't think it made any apologies about that, but that Matthew McConnaughey is so earnest when he pleads for a second chance, i couldn't help myself.
too romantic in the head, not enough in the heart. or is it the other way around?
but i've been listening to my Chillaxin' mix, enjoying my pseudo-domesticity. i even washed and dried all the dishes! i must be PMSing.
that's the good thing about this time of year. all my favorite shows are now on re-runs so i have time in the evenings to do real stuff - read a book, work on my writing, go for a walk, bake, cook, date.
i was sitting in the boardroom with some people from work on friday and MK happened to mention that i was single (or lumped me in with her and other single girlfriends) and one of the lawyers said, "you don't have a boyfriend? that surprises me." someone else piped in, "i know; i just don't get it." then they all took turns listing off the reasons why i am such a great catch - i cook, i bake, i own my own place, i'm good-looking, i'm smart, i'm funny... i finally said, "exactly! who wants to put up with that kind of perfection?'' :)
i watched the movie "Up" on Saturday. it was really cute and it made me cry a bit. i always cry at movies where the male character shows undying love and devotion to the female one. and then, yesterday, i saw "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". i thought it was really cute! i'm starting to like Jennifer Garner. she annoyed me before but she's got her charm. and Matthew McConaughey....mmmm, delicious. and then, the icing on the cake was that Daniel Sunjata was the romantic rival. i audibly "oh'd". T laughed at me. but he is worth an oh and so much more. tasty morsel of a man! ah, but this movie made me cry too. it was completely predictable how it ended and i don't think it made any apologies about that, but that Matthew McConnaughey is so earnest when he pleads for a second chance, i couldn't help myself.
too romantic in the head, not enough in the heart. or is it the other way around?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
too honest
there is, i have determined, such a thing as too much honesty.
JW is good-looking and kind. he's tall and soulful. he actually makes pretty decent music. he's open-minded and free-spirited, but not in a way that makes him flaky. he's articulate and intelligent. he likes kids and cooks lasanga. he's a Big Brother and has been for the past three years. he's in touch with his feelings and isn't too afraid to share them. too good to be true, right? that's what i thought.
here is what i already knew about him but decided i could live with in order to have a chance with him: he lives in a suite at his dad's house. he's sold his car and takes the bus everywhere. he considers himself a musician above what his day job is (teaching ESL). he wholly admits that in his younger years (and not so younger years, also his words), he was more interested in bedding women than getting to know them.
i decided to check out his profile again today as i noticed he had change his picture (he tends to add and delete stuff on his profile when the mood hits him). today, i found out tha he contracted HSV-2 (read: herpes) about four years ago. i have a feeling i know why his last LTR ended.
not surprisingly, i have changed my entire view of how to approach a potential relationship with him, at least in the romantic sense. perhaps i'm wrong, but herpes is not one of those things (like living at your parents' house) that you overlook when considering starting a new relationship with someone.
i think that's too much for even me to deal with. it's too bad - he seemed practically-perfect for me on paper.
JW is good-looking and kind. he's tall and soulful. he actually makes pretty decent music. he's open-minded and free-spirited, but not in a way that makes him flaky. he's articulate and intelligent. he likes kids and cooks lasanga. he's a Big Brother and has been for the past three years. he's in touch with his feelings and isn't too afraid to share them. too good to be true, right? that's what i thought.
here is what i already knew about him but decided i could live with in order to have a chance with him: he lives in a suite at his dad's house. he's sold his car and takes the bus everywhere. he considers himself a musician above what his day job is (teaching ESL). he wholly admits that in his younger years (and not so younger years, also his words), he was more interested in bedding women than getting to know them.
i decided to check out his profile again today as i noticed he had change his picture (he tends to add and delete stuff on his profile when the mood hits him). today, i found out tha he contracted HSV-2 (read: herpes) about four years ago. i have a feeling i know why his last LTR ended.
not surprisingly, i have changed my entire view of how to approach a potential relationship with him, at least in the romantic sense. perhaps i'm wrong, but herpes is not one of those things (like living at your parents' house) that you overlook when considering starting a new relationship with someone.
i think that's too much for even me to deal with. it's too bad - he seemed practically-perfect for me on paper.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
scaredy cat
i admit it - i don't want to mess up my chances with this new guy, JW (and no, not that kind of JW).
i am intrigued by him and he, in turn, is intrigued by me - he's said as much -but i can't help wondering who else he's corresponding with. i know that's dumb because if i don't end up being the standout, well then he wasn't right for me anyway, etc., etc. but when someone captures my interest as keenly as he has, and the only thing that stands out about him physically for me is that he's tall, then you know he's something to me.
he thought it was cute that we've connected emotionally by email and phone (we haven't met yet). i almost told him that it's easy for me to connect with people by email and by phone because it's not a real connection. you're not sitting in front of someone, reading their face and their body language; you're reacting to the sound of their voice and what's coming out of their mouth, or the words they are typing. that's not real. not in the same way a face-to-face conversation is.
let's face it, i've lost a few opportunities because the face-to-faces did not live up to the emails. i can't say why. maybe i really just wasn't into them. and vice versa, of course.
i really should have done exit-interviews.
i am intrigued by him and he, in turn, is intrigued by me - he's said as much -but i can't help wondering who else he's corresponding with. i know that's dumb because if i don't end up being the standout, well then he wasn't right for me anyway, etc., etc. but when someone captures my interest as keenly as he has, and the only thing that stands out about him physically for me is that he's tall, then you know he's something to me.
he thought it was cute that we've connected emotionally by email and phone (we haven't met yet). i almost told him that it's easy for me to connect with people by email and by phone because it's not a real connection. you're not sitting in front of someone, reading their face and their body language; you're reacting to the sound of their voice and what's coming out of their mouth, or the words they are typing. that's not real. not in the same way a face-to-face conversation is.
let's face it, i've lost a few opportunities because the face-to-faces did not live up to the emails. i can't say why. maybe i really just wasn't into them. and vice versa, of course.
i really should have done exit-interviews.
Monday, May 25, 2009
faith
i've met a guy on the fishing website that i really like. we've exchanged some great emails and i just got off the phone with him after an hour-long chat. i can honestly say that if it doesn't work out as far as dating goes, i would still really like him as a friend. he's easy to talk to and i feel i can be myself with him. i hope things go well. so far, so good.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
bad boys
whatcha gonna do?
i never thought i was the bad boy type. but it appears i'm chasing one, just for shits and giggles. he's been texting me for the past couple of days (which is interesting, because i gave him my number a couple of weeks ago but he never used it). in fact, i wasn't exactly sure it was him until he mentioned the whole biochemist thing. then again, who else would be texting me from the 250?
it would be woefully stupid of me to meet up with him, or to pursue anything at all but this harmless flirting. i've been known to do stupid things in the past for a hot guy. i just hope i don't do anything dumb this time.
he is smokin' hot, though. then again, the last smokin' hot Adonis i pursued (shiny-ness and all) ended up being a terrible lay and small to boot. sometimes the pretty packaging can't make up for the serious structural and programming deficiencies.
but oh, if i wasn't a sucker for marketing. God help me.
i never thought i was the bad boy type. but it appears i'm chasing one, just for shits and giggles. he's been texting me for the past couple of days (which is interesting, because i gave him my number a couple of weeks ago but he never used it). in fact, i wasn't exactly sure it was him until he mentioned the whole biochemist thing. then again, who else would be texting me from the 250?
it would be woefully stupid of me to meet up with him, or to pursue anything at all but this harmless flirting. i've been known to do stupid things in the past for a hot guy. i just hope i don't do anything dumb this time.
he is smokin' hot, though. then again, the last smokin' hot Adonis i pursued (shiny-ness and all) ended up being a terrible lay and small to boot. sometimes the pretty packaging can't make up for the serious structural and programming deficiencies.
but oh, if i wasn't a sucker for marketing. God help me.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Capricorn Rising
i've always gotten along well with Capricorns. perhaps because, on the astrological chart, they are the opposite sign to Cancers. they are Cancer's "yang".
my first boyfriend was an Aquarius. yang.
second boyfriend was a Cancer. they say two Cancers together can understand each other, but it helps if they're both "understanding".
third boyfriend is a Pisces (i just had so much trouble spelling that and i finally had to look it up. damn silent 's'). the best yang i've had to date (no pun intended - but since we're there, i think the best yang I've ever had was an Aries).
i've also dated a Taurus (yin), an Aries, and a Libra (or was he a Virgo? i can't remember, but it kind of makes a difference). and based on some of the personalities, a whole host of Leos, Geminis and a couple of Scorpios thrown in there for good measure. the Showmen of the zodiac, if you will.
but Capricorns - they are truly my opposites. when i'm flighty, they ground me. when i'm too earth-bound, they loosen my roots with a few choice words of encouragement.
they're practical but not stuffy. they offer me security and sensibility. they're hard-working and respect authority, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy letting loose every now and then.
i think i need to find a nice Capricorn. and if he's blonde, 6'2" and has blue eyes, all the better.
:)
my first boyfriend was an Aquarius. yang.
second boyfriend was a Cancer. they say two Cancers together can understand each other, but it helps if they're both "understanding".
third boyfriend is a Pisces (i just had so much trouble spelling that and i finally had to look it up. damn silent 's'). the best yang i've had to date (no pun intended - but since we're there, i think the best yang I've ever had was an Aries).
i've also dated a Taurus (yin), an Aries, and a Libra (or was he a Virgo? i can't remember, but it kind of makes a difference). and based on some of the personalities, a whole host of Leos, Geminis and a couple of Scorpios thrown in there for good measure. the Showmen of the zodiac, if you will.
but Capricorns - they are truly my opposites. when i'm flighty, they ground me. when i'm too earth-bound, they loosen my roots with a few choice words of encouragement.
they're practical but not stuffy. they offer me security and sensibility. they're hard-working and respect authority, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy letting loose every now and then.
i think i need to find a nice Capricorn. and if he's blonde, 6'2" and has blue eyes, all the better.
:)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
the gigolo
why i'm upset about this, i don't know. it may be some real insight into my twisted psyche.
a couple of weeks ago, i got a message on the dating website i'm on from this smokin' hot guy. smokin' freakin' hot. hawt. and he told me he thought i was hot and came right out and told me he'd like to pleasure me. no apologies. he gave me his msn address (iscrew@domain.com - and he was serious) and said we should chat. he said he could come to my place or he would "host"at a nice hotel downtown (hence, the Gigolo moniker i've given him). his profile was bare-bones - one or two interests listed and a couple of sentences to list what he was looking for. i'll admit it. i bit. sort of.
i sent him an email that said that i was oh, so tempted because he was so fantastically hot, but that i was sure he had made the offer to other people already, so have fun.
he immediately sent me another email with his "real" msn. so i added him. we chatted once and to be honest, he came across as intelligent and nice. Moderately horny, but he didn't push the issue either. i was intrigued.
yesterday, Mon and i were talking about our matches on the site and we were talking about how we hate it when guys post gratuitous ab shots. then she starts telling me about this guy who emailed her and they had a brief exchange and then he blocked her for saying something he thought was stupid. she described him and i immediately thought it was the Gigolo.
today, we had a minute and she showed me his email. it was him. it was the Gigolo. but under a different profile. WTF! what a shyster! i read what his first email to her was and it was something to the effect of, "I was so intrigued by your smile, I had to write you." nothing, not one hint of anything sexual. it was just a normal email. i was stymied. he had even given her his "real" email address.
what was his motivation? i didn't understand but i wasn't too bothered. until now.
i just had a minute to read his "other" profile - it listed about 30 different interests and it had a funny "point" list of things he gaves points for and things he took points away for. i got 48 points, by the way. based on this profile, he seems like a great guy. i would have definitely messaged him with the profile alone (okay, the fact that he's uber-hot does help a bit).
so, why didn't he message me under his PG profile? why do i get dirty-Gigolo instead of the Boy Nextdoor?
the other side to this story? i met him online six (count 'em) years ago when he messaged me for the same thing. the odd part? i kept the photos he sent me because i was so intrigued by him then. what are the odds that we would meet again on a different site, six years later? what are the odds that he would proposition me again?
and here i go again, looking for oddities in the situation that will make me stand out from everyone else. what is wrong with me? the guy is so obviously a player, it shouldn't bother me that he didn't offer me his "real" self. grrr. i don't understand. i suppose i can take solace in the fact that, even after six years, he still thinks i'm hot.
but i'd rather be smart and funny.
a couple of weeks ago, i got a message on the dating website i'm on from this smokin' hot guy. smokin' freakin' hot. hawt. and he told me he thought i was hot and came right out and told me he'd like to pleasure me. no apologies. he gave me his msn address (iscrew@domain.com - and he was serious) and said we should chat. he said he could come to my place or he would "host"at a nice hotel downtown (hence, the Gigolo moniker i've given him). his profile was bare-bones - one or two interests listed and a couple of sentences to list what he was looking for. i'll admit it. i bit. sort of.
i sent him an email that said that i was oh, so tempted because he was so fantastically hot, but that i was sure he had made the offer to other people already, so have fun.
he immediately sent me another email with his "real" msn. so i added him. we chatted once and to be honest, he came across as intelligent and nice. Moderately horny, but he didn't push the issue either. i was intrigued.
yesterday, Mon and i were talking about our matches on the site and we were talking about how we hate it when guys post gratuitous ab shots. then she starts telling me about this guy who emailed her and they had a brief exchange and then he blocked her for saying something he thought was stupid. she described him and i immediately thought it was the Gigolo.
today, we had a minute and she showed me his email. it was him. it was the Gigolo. but under a different profile. WTF! what a shyster! i read what his first email to her was and it was something to the effect of, "I was so intrigued by your smile, I had to write you." nothing, not one hint of anything sexual. it was just a normal email. i was stymied. he had even given her his "real" email address.
what was his motivation? i didn't understand but i wasn't too bothered. until now.
i just had a minute to read his "other" profile - it listed about 30 different interests and it had a funny "point" list of things he gaves points for and things he took points away for. i got 48 points, by the way. based on this profile, he seems like a great guy. i would have definitely messaged him with the profile alone (okay, the fact that he's uber-hot does help a bit).
so, why didn't he message me under his PG profile? why do i get dirty-Gigolo instead of the Boy Nextdoor?
the other side to this story? i met him online six (count 'em) years ago when he messaged me for the same thing. the odd part? i kept the photos he sent me because i was so intrigued by him then. what are the odds that we would meet again on a different site, six years later? what are the odds that he would proposition me again?
and here i go again, looking for oddities in the situation that will make me stand out from everyone else. what is wrong with me? the guy is so obviously a player, it shouldn't bother me that he didn't offer me his "real" self. grrr. i don't understand. i suppose i can take solace in the fact that, even after six years, he still thinks i'm hot.
but i'd rather be smart and funny.
Friday, March 20, 2009
busy
i've been busy with first dates and e-mails to and from potential dates and it's kind of fun. i was chatting with Mon today about the site and, of all people, she said she was scared of the in-person meet-up because she was afraid that they would judge her. i told her i had no problems with the first dates anymore; it's second dates i'm scared of. truth be told, i think i might actually be scared to meet someone i really like.
while i'm over the relationship itself, the scars from my relationship with the Ex are still very prominent, i realize now. it will probably sound odd, but i'm not scared of being judged or being compared to a previous girlfriend (not yet, anyway). it doesn't bother me if they think i'm a bit odd or boring or safe. i figure if they don't like who i am now, they're not going to take the time to grow to like me anyway, so why bother? i'm also not scared that i won't meet someone. if i don't, i'm fine with that.
what i am scared of is the next real relationship i actually have. how am i going to meet him? how will i know it's him? what happens if it's not everything i want it to be? do i adapt or do i leave? what happens if he's great, but our friendship isn't? for example, the Ex wasn't a very good boyfriend in the end. he would rather hang out with his friends and play video games and drink beer. but when it was just the two of us, at the time when it was really good between us, we would sit and laugh and say silly things. he wanted to spend time with me. he would bribe me with pizza so i would come over and watch Monday Night Football with him. and he didn't mind when i asked questions about what was going on. he liked teaching me about the sport he loved. and i turned him onto basketball and we started watching that together. we were so comfortable with each other. i'm scared i'll never find that level of comfort again.
dating isn't fun for me. it's a lot of work. but i don't mind putting in the effort and doing the hard work if i know that what it will yield will be a great friendship and an even better love relationship. but how will i know? will i ever stop looking? will i find someone that makes me want to stop looking? does it even matter to me anymore or am i just going through the motions because people think i should?
so many questions, so many possible answers.
while i'm over the relationship itself, the scars from my relationship with the Ex are still very prominent, i realize now. it will probably sound odd, but i'm not scared of being judged or being compared to a previous girlfriend (not yet, anyway). it doesn't bother me if they think i'm a bit odd or boring or safe. i figure if they don't like who i am now, they're not going to take the time to grow to like me anyway, so why bother? i'm also not scared that i won't meet someone. if i don't, i'm fine with that.
what i am scared of is the next real relationship i actually have. how am i going to meet him? how will i know it's him? what happens if it's not everything i want it to be? do i adapt or do i leave? what happens if he's great, but our friendship isn't? for example, the Ex wasn't a very good boyfriend in the end. he would rather hang out with his friends and play video games and drink beer. but when it was just the two of us, at the time when it was really good between us, we would sit and laugh and say silly things. he wanted to spend time with me. he would bribe me with pizza so i would come over and watch Monday Night Football with him. and he didn't mind when i asked questions about what was going on. he liked teaching me about the sport he loved. and i turned him onto basketball and we started watching that together. we were so comfortable with each other. i'm scared i'll never find that level of comfort again.
dating isn't fun for me. it's a lot of work. but i don't mind putting in the effort and doing the hard work if i know that what it will yield will be a great friendship and an even better love relationship. but how will i know? will i ever stop looking? will i find someone that makes me want to stop looking? does it even matter to me anymore or am i just going through the motions because people think i should?
so many questions, so many possible answers.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
pheremonal
my OB-Gyn has decided i need to try life off the Pill. i haven't been off the pill in over 10 years. it's a bit scary. but, if i could deal with the periods i was dealing with three years ago, i can deal with them off the Pill. i hope.
i confess that i've been thinking about going off the Pill for quite some time now, but not to help my periods. i read somewhere...somewhere...that being on the Pill (or any kind of hormone-affecting drug) affects ones pheremones. If my pheremones are off, that might (but only might) explain why i've had limited success in the love department in the past few years. as i get older, my hormones have shifted and changed, and who i was five years ago is most certainly not who i am today. maybe it was the drugs that were masking who i was. maybe that's why i seem invisible to some people - because my own pheromones are not really there.
i read a book called, "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer" and i must say i identified slightly with the title character. not in the sense that i need to murder in order to fulfill what i think is my destiny, but more that i seem invisible to the rest of the world. people still walk head-on into me on the street like i wasn't even there. it's a bit off-putting. i try very hard not to shoulder-check them as i walk by. hey, you walk into me, i'll walk into you.
perhaps being off the Pill will also help with my wonky moods and how i feel about my work. or maybe it will show me that it's not just the drugs that make me feel crazy.
there is so much i want to do - so many careers i want to try. i know i have to be patient and eventually, in this life or the next, i'll try them. it's hard to know which ones i actually want to be a part of, and which ones i just want to say i'm a part of, if you know what i mean.
i'm feeling like this post is all over the place, so i think i'll stop.
i confess that i've been thinking about going off the Pill for quite some time now, but not to help my periods. i read somewhere...somewhere...that being on the Pill (or any kind of hormone-affecting drug) affects ones pheremones. If my pheremones are off, that might (but only might) explain why i've had limited success in the love department in the past few years. as i get older, my hormones have shifted and changed, and who i was five years ago is most certainly not who i am today. maybe it was the drugs that were masking who i was. maybe that's why i seem invisible to some people - because my own pheromones are not really there.
i read a book called, "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer" and i must say i identified slightly with the title character. not in the sense that i need to murder in order to fulfill what i think is my destiny, but more that i seem invisible to the rest of the world. people still walk head-on into me on the street like i wasn't even there. it's a bit off-putting. i try very hard not to shoulder-check them as i walk by. hey, you walk into me, i'll walk into you.
perhaps being off the Pill will also help with my wonky moods and how i feel about my work. or maybe it will show me that it's not just the drugs that make me feel crazy.
there is so much i want to do - so many careers i want to try. i know i have to be patient and eventually, in this life or the next, i'll try them. it's hard to know which ones i actually want to be a part of, and which ones i just want to say i'm a part of, if you know what i mean.
i'm feeling like this post is all over the place, so i think i'll stop.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
pressure
i think i'm too picky. and i think i'm too picky because i don't want to be in a relationship.
well, it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship - it's more that i don't want to have to work so hard at finding someone. what happened to the days when you could see someone in the lobby at work or at a pub and just smile and take it from there? okay, i guess i would help if i actually smiled at people but you know what i mean.
why is it necessary for me to be on not one, but two dating websites, and be completely unsuccessful at both, no matter how hard i try?
i sometimes think i'm bowing to the social pressure of being in a relationship. i'm 32 and i'm single and a portion of society thinks that's weird. i guess it's the whole Bridget Jones thing too - that all of my friends are going to get married and i get left off invitation lists because i'm not part of a couple. or, i get invited to the couple parties and have to sit at the head of the table because everyone else is paired off. and then people ask me weird questions about the single life and why i'm still single. shudder.
the thought that i might be single for the rest of my life doesn't scare me at all, but the thought of growing apart from my friends because they all have husbands, wives and children, does. it's already happening, although my close sets of friends will always be friends. i just don't see them anymore. because they're busy doing the couple-thing. and now the kid-thing.
so, i want a boyfriend so i can be part of the couple thing? so i don't get left behind? that doesn't sound like me and that's not someone i want to be either. i should want a partner because i want someone to spend time with and grow with, not because i want a built-in date for all holidays and weddings.
maybe that's why i'm having so much trouble connecting with people. i want it for the wrong reasons.
it's time to re-set the meter and start over again. oh, and smile.
well, it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship - it's more that i don't want to have to work so hard at finding someone. what happened to the days when you could see someone in the lobby at work or at a pub and just smile and take it from there? okay, i guess i would help if i actually smiled at people but you know what i mean.
why is it necessary for me to be on not one, but two dating websites, and be completely unsuccessful at both, no matter how hard i try?
i sometimes think i'm bowing to the social pressure of being in a relationship. i'm 32 and i'm single and a portion of society thinks that's weird. i guess it's the whole Bridget Jones thing too - that all of my friends are going to get married and i get left off invitation lists because i'm not part of a couple. or, i get invited to the couple parties and have to sit at the head of the table because everyone else is paired off. and then people ask me weird questions about the single life and why i'm still single. shudder.
the thought that i might be single for the rest of my life doesn't scare me at all, but the thought of growing apart from my friends because they all have husbands, wives and children, does. it's already happening, although my close sets of friends will always be friends. i just don't see them anymore. because they're busy doing the couple-thing. and now the kid-thing.
so, i want a boyfriend so i can be part of the couple thing? so i don't get left behind? that doesn't sound like me and that's not someone i want to be either. i should want a partner because i want someone to spend time with and grow with, not because i want a built-in date for all holidays and weddings.
maybe that's why i'm having so much trouble connecting with people. i want it for the wrong reasons.
it's time to re-set the meter and start over again. oh, and smile.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
self-help
i think i've figured out why i love formulaic, romantic comedies, and why i turn to them when i start to feel hopeless about the dating scene. i think they give me hope. as crazy as that sounds, rom-coms help me believe in love again - that love is possible and that love happens.
sure, FRCs are meant to be sugary and implausible, but for some reason, they re-vitalize my belief that there is someone out There for me. even the ones that make me cry give me that hope again.
i don't know if i ever told you the story, but on my way home from Punta Cana last year, the airline played, "P.S. I Love You". i was going to get a headset but decided that i really don't like Hilary Swank in general, so i didn't want to have to suffer through her ruining my favorite genre of movie.
when i got home, i kept hearing about how good the movie was so i finally broke down and rented it. i am, to this day, so glad i didn't watch it on the plane because i'm quite certain i would have been the laughing stock of the flight. i watched it again tonight and cried in almost every scene. can you imagine how nuts that would've been during a flight?
but it's renewed my faith. i shall continue on.
sure, FRCs are meant to be sugary and implausible, but for some reason, they re-vitalize my belief that there is someone out There for me. even the ones that make me cry give me that hope again.
i don't know if i ever told you the story, but on my way home from Punta Cana last year, the airline played, "P.S. I Love You". i was going to get a headset but decided that i really don't like Hilary Swank in general, so i didn't want to have to suffer through her ruining my favorite genre of movie.
when i got home, i kept hearing about how good the movie was so i finally broke down and rented it. i am, to this day, so glad i didn't watch it on the plane because i'm quite certain i would have been the laughing stock of the flight. i watched it again tonight and cried in almost every scene. can you imagine how nuts that would've been during a flight?
but it's renewed my faith. i shall continue on.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
groundhog day
no, i'm not a day early. i'm faced with a similar situation i have been in twice, to varying degrees. and i am having a head v. heart dilemma, even though head should definitely win this one.
i have been trading e-mails with a guy i met on one of my dating websites. i had actually met him on one, initially, and he expressed interest on that one, but it was the one that i wasn't paying for. oddly, or not, i was matched up with him on the pay-site too and we started corresponding.
he's great. his emails are witting and engaging. he's a writer too and our styles are similar. we had great email chemistry (which we know does not always translate into in-person chemistry).
he sent me an email today, basically saying that when he first started corresponding with me, he had gone on one date with another woman. he didn't think anything would come of it so he continued to "meet" other people online. well, two dates turned into several and now he thinks there may be potential with her. he apologized if i thought he had wasted my time. i didn't think he had at all. that's just the way it is, right?
and then, he writes the following:
So, I wonder where we should go from here? Would you like to continue correspondence in a friendly way for now? Would you prefer to wait and check in a month or so to see if my date-match has turned into anything? Or do you prefer just to close things out and call it a poor twist of fate? I prefer options A or B, but I understand if you think option C is the way to go.
You seem unusually interesting to me so I'd hate to lose contact with you, but I respect whichever way you think is best.
i know what you're thinking, because that's exactly what i'm thinking too. WTF?
here's my take: i think he and i could potentially be good friends. and i've missed having a guy friend in my life. what could the harm be?
and then i remembered the two other times this has happened to me - the Server and MGF. the Server was just that - our favorite server at our favorite restaurant six years ago. we started to hang out and i'm pretty sure there were feelings on his side because one day, when i jokingly asked him why he hasn't asked me out yet, he alluded to the fact that he was going to, and then droped the bomb that someone asked him out instead. they're married now.
and we know the story with MGF. met online. i was just getting to know him and the Boy at the same time. both told me they weren't into anything serious. MGF acted like he meant it. the Boy didn't. i was hopeful and naive enough to think that i could change the Boy. six months later, the Boy was (almost) out of my life, MGF was still quite in my life but was also quite in his new girlfriend's life too. so much for "not serious". they're getting married in july.
i've basically written my response to No. 3 - that my initial reaction was, "Of course I still want to be friends! We get along so well!" and then i remembered that i already have two friends like that, and they're not really friends at all.
it makes me sad, though, that i am going to tell a guy that i feel very in-tune with that i don't want to continue to keep in touch. at the same time, my new year's resolution was to become the lead character in my own life, but i can't do that if i continue to allow myself to be a minor character in other peoples' lives. it's not healthy.
and really, who asks someone they've never met in person before to, in effect, "wait" for them while they test someone else out? really? really??
i have been trading e-mails with a guy i met on one of my dating websites. i had actually met him on one, initially, and he expressed interest on that one, but it was the one that i wasn't paying for. oddly, or not, i was matched up with him on the pay-site too and we started corresponding.
he's great. his emails are witting and engaging. he's a writer too and our styles are similar. we had great email chemistry (which we know does not always translate into in-person chemistry).
he sent me an email today, basically saying that when he first started corresponding with me, he had gone on one date with another woman. he didn't think anything would come of it so he continued to "meet" other people online. well, two dates turned into several and now he thinks there may be potential with her. he apologized if i thought he had wasted my time. i didn't think he had at all. that's just the way it is, right?
and then, he writes the following:
So, I wonder where we should go from here? Would you like to continue correspondence in a friendly way for now? Would you prefer to wait and check in a month or so to see if my date-match has turned into anything? Or do you prefer just to close things out and call it a poor twist of fate? I prefer options A or B, but I understand if you think option C is the way to go.
You seem unusually interesting to me so I'd hate to lose contact with you, but I respect whichever way you think is best.
i know what you're thinking, because that's exactly what i'm thinking too. WTF?
here's my take: i think he and i could potentially be good friends. and i've missed having a guy friend in my life. what could the harm be?
and then i remembered the two other times this has happened to me - the Server and MGF. the Server was just that - our favorite server at our favorite restaurant six years ago. we started to hang out and i'm pretty sure there were feelings on his side because one day, when i jokingly asked him why he hasn't asked me out yet, he alluded to the fact that he was going to, and then droped the bomb that someone asked him out instead. they're married now.
and we know the story with MGF. met online. i was just getting to know him and the Boy at the same time. both told me they weren't into anything serious. MGF acted like he meant it. the Boy didn't. i was hopeful and naive enough to think that i could change the Boy. six months later, the Boy was (almost) out of my life, MGF was still quite in my life but was also quite in his new girlfriend's life too. so much for "not serious". they're getting married in july.
i've basically written my response to No. 3 - that my initial reaction was, "Of course I still want to be friends! We get along so well!" and then i remembered that i already have two friends like that, and they're not really friends at all.
it makes me sad, though, that i am going to tell a guy that i feel very in-tune with that i don't want to continue to keep in touch. at the same time, my new year's resolution was to become the lead character in my own life, but i can't do that if i continue to allow myself to be a minor character in other peoples' lives. it's not healthy.
and really, who asks someone they've never met in person before to, in effect, "wait" for them while they test someone else out? really? really??
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
hot for teacher
i keep counting down the end of my days teaching as a good thing. now i am counting down with the sole purpose of getting one of the teachers to notice me.
i think i may have mentioned him - he's the science teacher whose classroom i'm using to teach my night class. if you were to see me when i get a chance to say something to him, you'd laugh. you know how with most guys i'm interested in, i can barely make eye contact? with Mr. G, i'm practically throwing myself at him. if i had to watch myself flick my hair and flash my 1000 watt grin, i'd puke.
six weeks and i will have a date with him. unless he's got a girlfriend, but if he's single, he's mine.
i think i may have mentioned him - he's the science teacher whose classroom i'm using to teach my night class. if you were to see me when i get a chance to say something to him, you'd laugh. you know how with most guys i'm interested in, i can barely make eye contact? with Mr. G, i'm practically throwing myself at him. if i had to watch myself flick my hair and flash my 1000 watt grin, i'd puke.
six weeks and i will have a date with him. unless he's got a girlfriend, but if he's single, he's mine.
Monday, January 26, 2009
no more!
forecast overnight is for 5 to 10 cms of snow. no more. NO MORE!!!! AAAAARRGHHH!!
i hate freaking snow! fine, it's pretty when it falls at night and it's nice when it's just fallen. but then it gotsta go.
incidentally, i had a great day at work on friday, which i told my girlfriends about last night at dinner. today, i sat beside a woman on the skytrain that didn't believe in tissues (and didn't have one to give her), so i listened to her sniffing back her snot for 35 minutes. by the time i got off the train, i was about ready to scream. i was in a nasty mood all day today - not particulary mad, just snarly. my eyes are dry, either from the weather or the antibotics. the dryness is making me tired. i had a meagre lunch today and was hungry the rest of the day. and then i realized - PMS! this is the week. wow, the snarliness is like clockwork. who needs a calendar when you have my nasty moods to tell the time of the month?
incidentally, to remedy my paltry mid-afternoon meal, i stopped off at IGA to pick up some ground pork. got some ground beef too. took it home, mixed it up, seasoned it, mixed it and dashed it with extra chipotle tabasco and BAM! i had the best burger i've ever made - possibly ever had - in my entire life! along with the yam fries and chipotle mayo dip, by the end of the burger (which i was torn between scarfing down and savoring), my nose was running as badly as the woman from this morning.
talk about full circle.
i hate freaking snow! fine, it's pretty when it falls at night and it's nice when it's just fallen. but then it gotsta go.
incidentally, i had a great day at work on friday, which i told my girlfriends about last night at dinner. today, i sat beside a woman on the skytrain that didn't believe in tissues (and didn't have one to give her), so i listened to her sniffing back her snot for 35 minutes. by the time i got off the train, i was about ready to scream. i was in a nasty mood all day today - not particulary mad, just snarly. my eyes are dry, either from the weather or the antibotics. the dryness is making me tired. i had a meagre lunch today and was hungry the rest of the day. and then i realized - PMS! this is the week. wow, the snarliness is like clockwork. who needs a calendar when you have my nasty moods to tell the time of the month?
incidentally, to remedy my paltry mid-afternoon meal, i stopped off at IGA to pick up some ground pork. got some ground beef too. took it home, mixed it up, seasoned it, mixed it and dashed it with extra chipotle tabasco and BAM! i had the best burger i've ever made - possibly ever had - in my entire life! along with the yam fries and chipotle mayo dip, by the end of the burger (which i was torn between scarfing down and savoring), my nose was running as badly as the woman from this morning.
talk about full circle.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
evolution
i can literally see my evolution. i feel like i've changed overnight, but really, it's been over a matter of months.
the growth, the maturity, the foresight. maybe it's just cause i'm tired of complaining (really, finally!) and tired of worrying about the future.
i don't preface every comment on a meal with, "well, because of my taste affliction..." instead, i just say whether i think it tastes good or not. the "affliction" has been in my life for six months so i think i can safely say, it's here to stay. and with that, i have realized that perhaps my taste was affected because i needed to make that food change in my life. ruled by the decadence and comfort of food, i allowed it to take control over my life. the weight gain, the complacency. if the taste affliction taught me anything (and it taught me a lot!), it's that part of evolution is accepting that things are not going to always be the same and often, they don't stay the same. i can no longer go to Denny's at 3am, have a Grand Slam breakfast and not wake up feeling just a bit fatter than i did the day before. instead, i know that to change my life (and my waistline), i have to change my relationship with food and the way i eat. and as i always say, change is good. evolution of acceptance.
i don't immediately jump on my high horse when presented with tasks at work that i have previously deemed "beneath me". i have the respect of my peers and my superiors. they trust me enough to come to me when things need to be done efficiently and correctly, even if it's just to change flight plans. i have worked hard and earned that trust. i should be thankful. evolution of ego.
i don't lose control when i'm at the mall and i'm surrounded by sale signs. i take a quick mental stock of what i need versus what i want, and all of a sudden, the desire to buy another cozy sweater that's a shade darker than the one i bought the week before, has dissipated. except for the red patent ballerina flats. those i had to have. and i gave away one pair of flats to compensate. evolution of control.
i enjoy making plans in my head of what i'm going to do when i have money to spare, but a lot of those plans now include getting a real nest egg/rainy day fund going so i can start making more frequent payments on the mortgage. yes, a nice, yearly beach holiday is also in the plan, but not without a little sacrifice elsewhere in the budget. evolution of the future!
hallelujah, i think she's finally starting to get it!
the growth, the maturity, the foresight. maybe it's just cause i'm tired of complaining (really, finally!) and tired of worrying about the future.
i don't preface every comment on a meal with, "well, because of my taste affliction..." instead, i just say whether i think it tastes good or not. the "affliction" has been in my life for six months so i think i can safely say, it's here to stay. and with that, i have realized that perhaps my taste was affected because i needed to make that food change in my life. ruled by the decadence and comfort of food, i allowed it to take control over my life. the weight gain, the complacency. if the taste affliction taught me anything (and it taught me a lot!), it's that part of evolution is accepting that things are not going to always be the same and often, they don't stay the same. i can no longer go to Denny's at 3am, have a Grand Slam breakfast and not wake up feeling just a bit fatter than i did the day before. instead, i know that to change my life (and my waistline), i have to change my relationship with food and the way i eat. and as i always say, change is good. evolution of acceptance.
i don't immediately jump on my high horse when presented with tasks at work that i have previously deemed "beneath me". i have the respect of my peers and my superiors. they trust me enough to come to me when things need to be done efficiently and correctly, even if it's just to change flight plans. i have worked hard and earned that trust. i should be thankful. evolution of ego.
i don't lose control when i'm at the mall and i'm surrounded by sale signs. i take a quick mental stock of what i need versus what i want, and all of a sudden, the desire to buy another cozy sweater that's a shade darker than the one i bought the week before, has dissipated. except for the red patent ballerina flats. those i had to have. and i gave away one pair of flats to compensate. evolution of control.
i enjoy making plans in my head of what i'm going to do when i have money to spare, but a lot of those plans now include getting a real nest egg/rainy day fund going so i can start making more frequent payments on the mortgage. yes, a nice, yearly beach holiday is also in the plan, but not without a little sacrifice elsewhere in the budget. evolution of the future!
hallelujah, i think she's finally starting to get it!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
crowd
i have thirteen students in my class this time around. not sure i'll still have all thirteen next week, but i guess we'll see.
it was a weird feeling. i've been dreading this day since december. i whined all day that i didn't want to go. and then, when i get there, i'm calm. i'm organized. i'm not at all nervous (i can tell because neither my hands nor my voice was shaking). i was confident in my delivery and the way i answered questions. and i felt good. almost good enough to continue on to another class.
almost. not quite. and most certainly not for this particular school board's program!
incidentally, when i went to the office to pick up my books, there was a very attractive guy that was sort of lumbering around the office area. turns out he was a teacher at the school and i was using his classroom. he helped me carry my text books to the class. yes, i tried to flirt with him but he was stonier than i am normally. didn't even crack a smile. science geeks.
it was a weird feeling. i've been dreading this day since december. i whined all day that i didn't want to go. and then, when i get there, i'm calm. i'm organized. i'm not at all nervous (i can tell because neither my hands nor my voice was shaking). i was confident in my delivery and the way i answered questions. and i felt good. almost good enough to continue on to another class.
almost. not quite. and most certainly not for this particular school board's program!
incidentally, when i went to the office to pick up my books, there was a very attractive guy that was sort of lumbering around the office area. turns out he was a teacher at the school and i was using his classroom. he helped me carry my text books to the class. yes, i tried to flirt with him but he was stonier than i am normally. didn't even crack a smile. science geeks.
Monday, January 19, 2009
pay it forward
i was feeling slightly down today. another coffee date last night, another lukewarm reaction from the guy. i know it has more to do with what their expectation of me was going to be, but it doesn't mean it's not going to affect me in some way. work was a bit of a drag as i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed again. i was looking forward to coming home and vegging on the couch.
i stopped off at IGA because i ran out of bread this morning. the cashier went through the usual drill with me (hi, how are you, blah blah blah). when she gave me my receipt, i smiled and said thanks. as i went to reach for my bag that was sitting at the end of the counter, the cashier reached over to me and said, "thank you for giving me a nice smile!" i was surprised. it made me further aware that retail jobs are some of the most thankless and that a genuine smile can brighten up a person's day, even for just that one moment.
needless to say, her compliment paid itself forward. i'm feeling cheery again.
i stopped off at IGA because i ran out of bread this morning. the cashier went through the usual drill with me (hi, how are you, blah blah blah). when she gave me my receipt, i smiled and said thanks. as i went to reach for my bag that was sitting at the end of the counter, the cashier reached over to me and said, "thank you for giving me a nice smile!" i was surprised. it made me further aware that retail jobs are some of the most thankless and that a genuine smile can brighten up a person's day, even for just that one moment.
needless to say, her compliment paid itself forward. i'm feeling cheery again.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
zut alors!
i don't mean this to sound conceited but i think i may be too photogenic. like, i think i look really good in photos, but then when people meet me in person, they're disappointed that i don't look the same as my picture.
i met an online date for coffee yesterday. Nico and i met and started exchanging e-mails only a couple of weeks ago but it seemed like the right time to meet. we had exchanged some really good e-mails - not just the "what's your favorite song" type of e-mails but ones where actual conversations and exchanges were taking place. he came across as very real, with no hint of arrogance or pompousness. and i'm not saying i expected either just because he's from France.
when i got to the coffee shop, i saw him in the window. i was almost certain it was him. i walked in the door and stood five feet from where he was sitting. i stood there and scanned the room, giving him enough time to see me, ensure it was probably me, and then by the time my eyes reached his, he would smile and i would walk over and say, "bonjour!"
as my eyes reached where he sat, i realized he was not looking at me. he was looking in the other direction. he didn't realize it was me. he was expecting someone better looking.
i managed to make my way over to him and say hello and he returned my hello and we sat and chatted for about an hour. when it was time to part ways, he said, "i would hug you but i don't want to get you sick," because he was still battling the cold he had caught over Christmas. pas de probleme!
except when i ran through the whole evening in my head this morning, it played more like, "get me out of here" than "get me home so i can rest and see this wonderful angel of a woman again soon." i don't even remember him suggesting that we should meet again. sigh.
against my better judgment (head, not heart), i sent him the Follow-Up Note (ironically acronymed as "FUN") this morning, just wishing him a speedy recovery and expressing that if he wanted to get together again, i would like to see him.
will he respond? je ne sais pas. do i want him to? OUI! he was so nice and seemed so kind. i don't even want to date him, necessarily, but someone like him would be a nice friend to spend time with every now and then. but how do you say that without sounding like you're expecting anything else? bah.
c'est la vie.
i met an online date for coffee yesterday. Nico and i met and started exchanging e-mails only a couple of weeks ago but it seemed like the right time to meet. we had exchanged some really good e-mails - not just the "what's your favorite song" type of e-mails but ones where actual conversations and exchanges were taking place. he came across as very real, with no hint of arrogance or pompousness. and i'm not saying i expected either just because he's from France.
when i got to the coffee shop, i saw him in the window. i was almost certain it was him. i walked in the door and stood five feet from where he was sitting. i stood there and scanned the room, giving him enough time to see me, ensure it was probably me, and then by the time my eyes reached his, he would smile and i would walk over and say, "bonjour!"
as my eyes reached where he sat, i realized he was not looking at me. he was looking in the other direction. he didn't realize it was me. he was expecting someone better looking.
i managed to make my way over to him and say hello and he returned my hello and we sat and chatted for about an hour. when it was time to part ways, he said, "i would hug you but i don't want to get you sick," because he was still battling the cold he had caught over Christmas. pas de probleme!
except when i ran through the whole evening in my head this morning, it played more like, "get me out of here" than "get me home so i can rest and see this wonderful angel of a woman again soon." i don't even remember him suggesting that we should meet again. sigh.
against my better judgment (head, not heart), i sent him the Follow-Up Note (ironically acronymed as "FUN") this morning, just wishing him a speedy recovery and expressing that if he wanted to get together again, i would like to see him.
will he respond? je ne sais pas. do i want him to? OUI! he was so nice and seemed so kind. i don't even want to date him, necessarily, but someone like him would be a nice friend to spend time with every now and then. but how do you say that without sounding like you're expecting anything else? bah.
c'est la vie.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
in-som-ni-ya
night four. it didn't help that i forgot to ask for a "decaf mocha" tonight when i met my newest online match for coffee. he was really nice.
i don't understand why i'm having trouble sleeping. i toss and i turn. i stare at the clock (or rather, i think it's staring at me). i'm tired but i can't sleep. perhaps two weeks of sleeping a one or two or three in the morning wasn't such a good idea after all.
i don't understand why i'm having trouble sleeping. i toss and i turn. i stare at the clock (or rather, i think it's staring at me). i'm tired but i can't sleep. perhaps two weeks of sleeping a one or two or three in the morning wasn't such a good idea after all.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
ring my bell
nothing like a fire alarm to kick start your morning. at least this time, it was in the morning!
the bell went off, just as i was taking stuff out of the fridge for brunch. i woke up late today (don't know why) and then puttered instead of following my newly instigated schedule. as the bell and alarms screamed, i thought to myself, "this is why i should always change into lounging clothes, instead of just lounging in my pjs." i quickly changed into something decent and went down to the front.
less than ten neighbours joined me, which is frightening. i know that it's probably a false alarm, but why would want to take that risk?
the fire department came because they're the only ones who can switch off the alarm. the one that did it - HOT. but also a firefighter who probably gets more than his share of the women-folk because he's hot and a firefighter, which probably means he has an ego the size of Montana (is Montana big, because that's what i was going for), which means i want nothing to do with him. well, maybe ONE thing to do with him. but before the cheesy 70s porn soundtrack starts, i digress...
it turns out the alarm went off because of an over-flowing washing machine (don't ask me how that works). a guy on the main floor left his washing machine going and went out for a few minutes. he got back just as the alarm was starting. apparently the water is now seeping into the games room directly below him. that sucks because it means yet another insurance claim for the strata if the owner doesn't have insurance. at the same time, i'm glad it wasn't an owner's suite because that would suck for them.
and that reminds me, i really should get that emergency ladder that i've been putting off getting. safety before more shoes!
my ears are still ringing.
the bell went off, just as i was taking stuff out of the fridge for brunch. i woke up late today (don't know why) and then puttered instead of following my newly instigated schedule. as the bell and alarms screamed, i thought to myself, "this is why i should always change into lounging clothes, instead of just lounging in my pjs." i quickly changed into something decent and went down to the front.
less than ten neighbours joined me, which is frightening. i know that it's probably a false alarm, but why would want to take that risk?
the fire department came because they're the only ones who can switch off the alarm. the one that did it - HOT. but also a firefighter who probably gets more than his share of the women-folk because he's hot and a firefighter, which probably means he has an ego the size of Montana (is Montana big, because that's what i was going for), which means i want nothing to do with him. well, maybe ONE thing to do with him. but before the cheesy 70s porn soundtrack starts, i digress...
it turns out the alarm went off because of an over-flowing washing machine (don't ask me how that works). a guy on the main floor left his washing machine going and went out for a few minutes. he got back just as the alarm was starting. apparently the water is now seeping into the games room directly below him. that sucks because it means yet another insurance claim for the strata if the owner doesn't have insurance. at the same time, i'm glad it wasn't an owner's suite because that would suck for them.
and that reminds me, i really should get that emergency ladder that i've been putting off getting. safety before more shoes!
my ears are still ringing.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
sally ann
i went for a walk today in the 'hood, wellies and all, with the sole purpose of finding out some wedding dress info for Cess. i did, and then ended up walking by the Salvation Army on the way home. i decided to pop in to check it out and ended up buying three purses and two books, all for under $30 canadian dollars. i've said this before, but i think i found my new favorite store.
i bought a red pocketbook style purse, an ivory envelope clutch and a black cord messenger bag. the first two are no-name but the last one is a fossil so i paid the premium price of $12.00. not bad. i don't know that i can buy anything else there (like clothes or coats or ... shudder... towels and underwear) but accessories, i can handle. i forgot to look for a belt, though. guess i'll have to go back tomorrow.
and i can't believe i've lived 30 years in Vancouver and have never had a pair of rain boots. i used my new pair today and it was fantastic! my pant hems aren't wet and neither are my feet. my pants are a bit wrinkled from stuffing them in the boot, but they'll get over it, as will i.
oh, and the wedding dress? i checked out the designer's website and fricken eh, i want to get married just so i can buy one of her dresses!
i bought a red pocketbook style purse, an ivory envelope clutch and a black cord messenger bag. the first two are no-name but the last one is a fossil so i paid the premium price of $12.00. not bad. i don't know that i can buy anything else there (like clothes or coats or ... shudder... towels and underwear) but accessories, i can handle. i forgot to look for a belt, though. guess i'll have to go back tomorrow.
and i can't believe i've lived 30 years in Vancouver and have never had a pair of rain boots. i used my new pair today and it was fantastic! my pant hems aren't wet and neither are my feet. my pants are a bit wrinkled from stuffing them in the boot, but they'll get over it, as will i.
oh, and the wedding dress? i checked out the designer's website and fricken eh, i want to get married just so i can buy one of her dresses!
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