lowered expectations

after probably over 10 years, i finally had another breakdown at work. those of you that know me well know that i don't ever cry at work, or in front of other people. it's not something i do unless i feel completely hopeless, helpless or frustrated. today was the latter.

doesn't even matter how it happened. i had, what i would consider but was probably just an exchange of words for the other person, a tiff with one of my lawyers. i'm tired of her princess-ness. "no one ever does my work" or "i never know where my files are". you know what? BUCK YOU. (no, that's not a typo).

my problem, as Sands quickly pointed out when she followed me into the bathroom, is that i have high expectations for myself and i expect the same of other people. perhaps even higher expectations for them. i'm just so sick and tired of hearing how rough my lawyer has it whe she creates a lot of the workload problems herself. she doesn't know how to manage her practice yet. she doesn't know how to utilize her assistants properly. and what happens? things get out of control. people get pissed off. like me.

in the same vein, i wonder whether i sometimes am a bit stubborn when it comes to her work. my dislike for the area of law in general may come into play, but when i work with my other lawyers in this area, i can take everything in stride. i don't want to think it's because she's a woman or because she's also a friend that i can't work with her. but i think she's unreasonable and just because she can get her way by rubbing up against the partners, it doesn't work that way with me. in fact, it has the opposite effect.

really, though, i'm tired. i haven't had a relaxing, no-brainer vacation in many, many moons. sure, i've had vacations and long weekends but everything i've done away from work this past year has been filled with activities, mostly of my own planning. this past may was supposed to be my week-long beach vacation but that turned into the Grand Canyon and Vegas - great vacation but not exactly relaxing.

my next time away is gearing up to be exactly the same. why do i do this to myself? i am burned out but i insist on plugging along. i'm carrying over five days of holidays for this year into january, so that i don't have to take five days out of next years holidays and only be left with 10 for the majority of the year, and end up being burned out and spazzing at work by october.

yet i desperately need time off now. like, i'm going to crack if i don't get it time-off. i wish i could just use my sick days as mental health days. maybe i shouldn't plan anything for this weekend, even though i have a mentorship thing on friday night and an information session on sunday afternoon. maybe my Christmas tree just won't go up this year so i am not pressuring myself to do it on thursday just so i can have it up.

i need to sleep.