bad Christmas

it's been a rough weekend for my family. i've spent the past two days at BGH. on Christmas Day, I got word from my cousin, Ash, that her dad was in the hospital. we went that day, after going to see my grandma. i didn't actually get to see him - the nurses were frustrated that his kids wouldn't leave his bedside (he'd been in since Christmas Eve), and he hadn't gotten any real sleep because of it. they basically kicked us out of the room before we even got there.

so we waited in one of the waiting rooms for a couple of hours, talking to my cousins and talking to my aunt. he's bleeding from his rectum, but they don't know where it's coming from. they have since narrowed it down to a bleed in the intestines or in the bowel.

it's always hard for me, not because i don't have faith that he'll get better, but that my dad is upset. it's hard for me to see him crack.

boxing day, i get a call from my dad. he says that my uncle is much better and has gotten some rest, but that my grandma (their mom) has had a stroke an is also at BGH. back to the hospital we went.

the doctor in emerg basically said that she's 90 and she's not likely to spring back. it's not completely out of the question, but that it's unlikely. they've basically giving her palliative care. it was so hard to see all of my aunts and uncles breaking down.

we spent most of the day and evening at the hospital, just rotating who got to go into the room with her. four to a room and a huge filipino family - you do the math! i commented to my cousin that it's a shame that it takes something like this to get us all in one room. my cousin from Washington was driving in when i left and my cousin from edmonton was also flying in. i'll probably see them today.

i'm trying to do all of my crying now and not at the hospital. sobbing uncontrollably just sets everyone off. i'm ready to let her go - i know that sounds heartless but i've always said that grieving for someone that has live a good and long life, surrounded by family and friends, is selfish. it's the family left behind that is going to miss her most, not that she won't miss us too. but she's in so much pain right now and she's confused and trying to get out of bed when she obviously can't. it's just hard to watch. she's such a fighter and she's stubborn. knowing her, she will defy the odds and bounce back, but for how much longer?

i sometimes hate that i'm so practical about death. i suppose it's the only way i know how to deal with a situation i can't control.