busy

i've been busy with first dates and e-mails to and from potential dates and it's kind of fun. i was chatting with Mon today about the site and, of all people, she said she was scared of the in-person meet-up because she was afraid that they would judge her. i told her i had no problems with the first dates anymore; it's second dates i'm scared of. truth be told, i think i might actually be scared to meet someone i really like.

while i'm over the relationship itself, the scars from my relationship with the Ex are still very prominent, i realize now. it will probably sound odd, but i'm not scared of being judged or being compared to a previous girlfriend (not yet, anyway). it doesn't bother me if they think i'm a bit odd or boring or safe. i figure if they don't like who i am now, they're not going to take the time to grow to like me anyway, so why bother? i'm also not scared that i won't meet someone. if i don't, i'm fine with that.

what i am scared of is the next real relationship i actually have. how am i going to meet him? how will i know it's him? what happens if it's not everything i want it to be? do i adapt or do i leave? what happens if he's great, but our friendship isn't? for example, the Ex wasn't a very good boyfriend in the end. he would rather hang out with his friends and play video games and drink beer. but when it was just the two of us, at the time when it was really good between us, we would sit and laugh and say silly things. he wanted to spend time with me. he would bribe me with pizza so i would come over and watch Monday Night Football with him. and he didn't mind when i asked questions about what was going on. he liked teaching me about the sport he loved. and i turned him onto basketball and we started watching that together. we were so comfortable with each other. i'm scared i'll never find that level of comfort again.

dating isn't fun for me. it's a lot of work. but i don't mind putting in the effort and doing the hard work if i know that what it will yield will be a great friendship and an even better love relationship. but how will i know? will i ever stop looking? will i find someone that makes me want to stop looking? does it even matter to me anymore or am i just going through the motions because people think i should?

so many questions, so many possible answers.