pressure

i think i'm too picky. and i think i'm too picky because i don't want to be in a relationship.

well, it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship - it's more that i don't want to have to work so hard at finding someone. what happened to the days when you could see someone in the lobby at work or at a pub and just smile and take it from there? okay, i guess i would help if i actually smiled at people but you know what i mean.

why is it necessary for me to be on not one, but two dating websites, and be completely unsuccessful at both, no matter how hard i try?

i sometimes think i'm bowing to the social pressure of being in a relationship. i'm 32 and i'm single and a portion of society thinks that's weird. i guess it's the whole Bridget Jones thing too - that all of my friends are going to get married and i get left off invitation lists because i'm not part of a couple. or, i get invited to the couple parties and have to sit at the head of the table because everyone else is paired off. and then people ask me weird questions about the single life and why i'm still single. shudder.

the thought that i might be single for the rest of my life doesn't scare me at all, but the thought of growing apart from my friends because they all have husbands, wives and children, does. it's already happening, although my close sets of friends will always be friends. i just don't see them anymore. because they're busy doing the couple-thing. and now the kid-thing.

so, i want a boyfriend so i can be part of the couple thing? so i don't get left behind? that doesn't sound like me and that's not someone i want to be either. i should want a partner because i want someone to spend time with and grow with, not because i want a built-in date for all holidays and weddings.

maybe that's why i'm having so much trouble connecting with people. i want it for the wrong reasons.

it's time to re-set the meter and start over again. oh, and smile.