gifts from heaven

my Lola passed away at 05:40 on sunday morning, a few day shy of her 90th birthday. i can't remember if i wrote about it before, but she had suffered a stroke between Christmas and boxing day past, and hasn't been the same since. she was basically in palliative care for the first few days. they even brought in the priest to administer last rites. but she hung on. stubbornness isn't just on one side of my family.

last week, my mom said she took a turn for the worst. i don't know about you, but i don't know how much worse you can get if you're already hooked up to a catheter, feeding tube and morphine 24/7. and then she stabilized. a fighter.

i think she was tired of fighting, because she left us for greener pastures, higher plains, a better place, whatever you want to call it. she decided she was ready.

my mom phoned me at 6 a.m. i've never had a call at 6 a.m. before, so i basically knew that it was bad news. i wasn't surprised and i didn't feel sad. i was relieved that she wasn't suffering anymore. i got up and sat on the couch and started to watch the news. and then i started to cry.

you know how i feel about crying at the death of someone who has lived a full and complete life - i feel that we're crying for our loss, not theirs. it's not them we feel sorry for; it's us. for me, it was guilt. i haven't seen my Lola since before she was transferred to her care home in january. but the last time i saw her, she was cognizant and she told me she loved me. i think that's a pretty good memory to be left with.

that's why when my mom phoned an hour later and said that they were going to the home to say goodbye and did i want to come, i burst into tears and said, "i don't want to see her like that." she understood. almost everyone was there (and i say that lightly, because this is my dad's family we're talking about. there are a lot of them).

instead, i stayed home and decided to Skype my brother so he wouldn't find out about her death from a status update on Facebook. he asked me right away, "why are you up so early?" and i'm not one to mince words when it comes to this sort of thing so all i said was, "i have bad news. Lola Mama's gone." it was hard to see him cry, but i didn't want him to find out on the phone or through e-mail and then have to deal with it alone. at least being on Skype, you're face to face. we talked for about an hour. he's coming home on Saturday for the funeral on Tuesday.

i was sketchy yesterday evening when we went to my aunt's house for the first night of the Novena. my cousin, Ash, came up to gave me a hug and i lost it. i was weepy when i got home too. i knew this Lola's death would be the worst for me because she was the one i knew the best, the one that used to live with me and take care of me.

i wasn't sure i'd be able to go to work today. i felt so sad this morning but i managed to actually get out of the house on time so i thought i'd see how it went and if i couldn't hold it together throughout the day, i'd just go home.

standing on the skytrain, i felt sad. i looked sad. everything was glum. and then we got to Broadway station and the guy that i had smiled at...twice...just before the Olympics walked onto my car. and we made eye contact. and i kept trying to catch his eye and was successful at least twice. i thought hard about fishing out one of my business cards, scrawling the word "Coffee?" on it and handing it to him as i left the train. by the time we approached my station, i had my purse open and was looking for a pen.

and then i realized, as he smiled at me again and my gloom lifted almost entirely, that his appearance was a gift from my Lola. it was her telling me to stop being sad and to remember the living as much as the dead. his smile made me smile and it made me feel happy again.

okay, maybe it was just a coincidence that i saw him. but it certainly makes me feel better to think that my Lola is watching over me, trying to orchestrate something good from where she is.

superfox

not surprisingly, i was going a little out of my mind last night. i got to the point where i was googling "shy guy behaviour" and reading endless posts from said shy-guys and the women that love them, and trying to see any similarities in their situations and mine. i am also hormonal, which does not help.

so, i did what i always do when i am feeling particularly frantic about dating and men and relationships. i turned to the bible of greg and liz, "He's Just Not That Into You." and i read the first chapter again: "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out." and they reminded me of the things that i forget or that i talk myself out of or convince myself i should do because i don't want to wait: that i should not try to trick him into asking me out, nor should i ask him out myself. most importantly, that i am WORTH being asked out.

and so it goes. he's just a guy. if he ends up going out with someone else because she was super aggressive, backed him into a corner and told him they were going out (as has happened with several men i've been interested in in the past few years, a few resulting in marriage), then good for her. i'll send you a wedding gift.

all that being said, i can't shrink back into wallflower status. i still need to show my interest, but i won't go further than that.

besides, our new German exchange student started yesterday and as Nicbal noticed, he's already making eyes at me.

Deustchland vor!

out

he loves me, he loves me not.

oh Crush. how you tease me so. it's great when he's hanging out at my desk with partners swarming around, looking at us wasting company time. but we sit in the boardroom alone together, after hours, and all he can talk about is work. oy!

i think i may back off for a little while. it's too frustrating.

11:2

Doc Tardy and i were supping on a patio in Kits on saturday night. beside us, a group of 11 (count 'em!) men, aged 30 - 40, all watching the replay of one of the world cup games. we were on the patio beside them for three hours. ask me how many numbers i got.

you're correct! zero. i turned to Doc and said, "this is punishment. this is God testing my chutzpah and proving to me that i am not willing to make myself available for a nice guy, or any guy." she pooh-poohed that and said, "it'll happen when it's meant to happen for us."

i said, without even trying to lower my voice, "it ain't happening because we're not letting it happen!!! there are 11 of them and we haven't made eye contact or smiled at any one of them! ELEVEN!" and they just kept coming. at one point, there were 13. i nearly cried.

but i didn't make eye contact. not even by mistake.

you wonder why i'm single? it's because i MAKE myself single!

self-check

i'm fascinated by non-verbal communication and have been since i was in high school. i remember one summer i read every book that the local public library had on face reading and body language that was written for the general public (they had academic texts as well, but i was 15 at the time and it was beyond me. still is, to be honest). the TV show "Lie to Me" was a godsend. it brought all of what i learned into context.

i think it interests me so much because i feel like i already have an innate sense of feelings and emotions and learning the academic side of it just assists in honing that in-born skill.

i use what i know to take stock of how people are feeling in social situations. and of course, i use it to analyze potential love-interests to see whether or not they feel the same about me. if i were to go by non-verbals alone, i'd say Bertrand is really interested in me and Crush is not.

this week, i decided that i would study my books again, because i've now accumulated lots of books on body language over the past few years. this time, i would study one action each week and look for it in every person i saw. i think that would ensure that i understood what the action looked like and what it said.

as i was re-reading one of my books, it reminded me that, as with everything in life, you have to look at non-verbal cues in context with everything else. so, crossed-arms generally say that the person is closed off or unfriendly, but what happens if the air conditioning is blasting and they're in bare arms and no sweater?

of course, then it made me think that i should assess my own body language and see whether how i think i feel about both Bertrand and Crush is actually how i feel. i know that when i see and talk to Bertrand, which is rare, both of us are really open in our non-verbals. there's a lot of maintained eye contact and he always turns to face me. he keeps a close distance, standing in what's called the "intimate zone" (between 1 - 3 feet from the other person), instead of the "social zone", which is generally 3 - 5 feet from the other person. if we're sitting around the boardroom table at after work drinks, his feet and sometimes his entire body is pointed towards me, even though he may be speaking to someone else. and yet, we never talk at any other time. i don't make efforts to stop by his office to chat and he only chats with me when he needs something or is waiting to speak to someone near my desk and that person is busy and he wants to kill time.

in contrast, Crush chats with me all the time (although not nearly as much now that he's in a different office on the other side of the office), albeit about work, but he makes efforts. other people have remarked that he's always chatting with me and that he doesn't make many efforts to make convo with anyone else. yet his body language is so different. if we're around the boardroom table, he'll turn his head to talk to me, but his feet and body stay pointing straight ahead of him. if we're standing in a group, his feet are never pointed towards me. he does raise his eyebrows, and therefore widens his eyes, if he walks past me in the hallway (the eyes' way of taking in a sight they like) and he'll talk to me endlessly about work-things that most people would have spent five minutes on.

as for me, i think i hold back. i was chatting with Sands yesterday and could see Crush walking through the library in the reflection in the window. it looked like he changed his direction once he saw me (i assume, since he knew Sands would be sitting in her desk but wouldn't necessarily think i would be standing there too), and lumbered his way towards us. but then, he pointed his entire body towards Sands while telling both of us about his day at a mediation. he'd turn his head to tell me about it (and mostly me about it), but his feet and shoulders were pointed straight towards Sands. I turned my body fully towards him and saw a piece of lint on his shoulder. i was going to pick it off but decided not to as it was a little personal, but i think i should have. if i'm going to convey interest, i have to start touching him soon. otherwise, it will go no where.

which makes me think - is he holding back? i mean, if i'm holding back because i don't want to appear too over-eager, then maybe he is too. or maybe i'm not as interested as i think i am, or want to be.

people wonder why i'm still single. it's because it's far too complicated to be anything else, at least in my head. :)

although, there was this one time i was sitting in my chair at my desk and turned with my back to the shared printer. Crush came around my desk to get something he had printed and two seconds later, i turned to face him and noticed that when i was facing him full on (or his mid-section full-on), he sucked in is gut. i thought that was either coincidental, or really cute.

huh.

i was with my mom this evening and we were chatting about my dad. she said she knew something that she wasn't sure she should tell me. she had previously been telling me how my dad was reporting to her that i spent so much money and that i was making more than him and i still didn't have any money. i gathered from that that he had been looking at my paystubs and mastercard bills. that's okay - i left them out so it was fair game.

so, when she said she knew something, i thought perhaps that my dad ratted me out and told her i still had a large balance on my credit card. what she told me really surprised me. apparently, my dad is worried about me because i don't have kids yet.

the story is this: she picked him up to take him somewhere because she had borrowed his car. he gets in the car and closes the door with a heavy sigh. she says, "what's wrong?" and he says, "it's CG. i'm worried about her." she says, "why?" he says, "she's 33 years old and instead of taking care of her kids, she's taking care of her dog. and, look at me! instead of taking care of my grand-kids, i'm taking care of her dog." she said he actually got a little emotional; maybe even teared up a bit.

huh? this i expected from my mom. that's why i had the talk with her a few years ago (that she conveniently doesn't remember) about how i wasn't sure that i was meant to have kids and that i wasn't concerned about whether i had them or not. maybe i should have included my dad in that conversation too.

i know it's not the right reason to have kids but i have a feeling it would really help my dad out of his funk if he had little ones to take care of.

no pressure.

rain

just got in from an afternoon stroll with my Lunatic. it's pissing outside. i'm quite certain she is now sitting on top of my clean clothes on my bed, still a little damp from being Sham-wowed.

i attempted to do some purging today. i tackled my 3 rubbermaid totes and managed to purge a whack of sweaters and some too-tight capris pants from summers past. but i still have a bursting closet. and i want to buy more clothes.

it's june and you know what that means - the gloves are slowly coming off. the three-month moratorium on Crush is now over. i am going to ramp-up my attempts at... i don't know. do we call it 'flirting'? anyway, yeah. that's my plan.

in other news, BabyMan is away for the week and has asked me to revive his bonsai tree while he's away. (hmm. that sounds dirty.) he said, and i quote, "that can be your new challenge." arse.

did i tell you i think there might be something neurologically wrong with me? more often than not, as i type i spell out words wrong. and not as in a typo - as in when i just typed out "not", my brain told me to type out "knot". and up top, where i said rubbermaid totes, my brain told me and i did, type out "rubbermaide toates". toates m'goats.

time to get ready for ballet.

just cause

yesterday was the friday before the long weekend, so i knew there wouldn't be too many people sticking around for a drink. i had plans to meet Mandy at 5:15 to go for nachos anyway, but i ended up finishing work (or being tired of working) at about 4:15 so i had some time to kill.

earlier in the day, i walked by Bertrand's office and he called me back. he asked if i had bought snacks for that evening and i said, "it's the friday before the long weekend - no one is going to be here for drinks after work!" he said, "no one will be there because there is no food!" he joked about how he had assigned the task to me and i joked that he forgot to confirm in writing, so there was no written agreement. he said, "it was a verbal agreement!" we talked about our upcoming weekends and then i left.

at 4:25, i walked into Crush's office with my bags and said, "what are you doing?" he told me he was working on an affidavit and then said, "are you headed to the boardroom?" and i said, "yeah, can you keep me company for 30 minutes?" and he said he would.

short story long, i ended up in the boardroom with not only Crush but Bertrand. it was the best. until Crush brought up the Student, who has since left the firm. i have a sneaking suspicion that he has a bit of a thing for her. then again, i have a bit of a thing for Bertrand so i guess what's good for the goose, etc.

as it sits, i am still here, waiting to hear from people about tonight. the Howler's last show is tonight and Doc Tardy and i are planning on going. except, she hasn't responded to my texts about dinner or what time to meet i guess for now, i'll make plans to head down on my own. typical.

i kind of lost it on her the other day. i went off about how i needed new friends because no one ever kept get together dates and people kept jamming. WTF. i do need new friends. or i just have to get over the fact that some people are just flighty and just because they say, "yes, let's do this!" it doesn't mean, "yes, let's do this!" it means, "yes, perhaps if something better doesn't come up in the meantime, i may consider possibly doing this!"

you know what's wrong with the world today? people are innundated with choice and now, no one wants to commit because there may be something better to do later on. so frustrating.

huh

Crush was hanging out by my desk (again), digging through my candy dish. i said to him, "i was going to pick out some new candy this weekend, but i wasn't sure how it would go over so i decided not to."

he answers and says, "did you ask BabyMan?"

i said, "why would i ask BabyMan?"

he says, "you always consult with him." huh?

i said, "no i don't. BabyMan doesn't even eat these candies. he just asks for real food."

he said, "so you only bake him cookies." huh?

i said, "no, i bake everyone cookies. he just takes a lot of them."

i then went to BabyMan's office and relayed my conversation, hoping he would tell me that i was reading too much into things.

he said, "OMG, he's jealous! wait, wait, we're over him, i forgot. OMG, he's jealous!!! ooh, the tension!!"

yeah, that's what i thought. so agonized - what do i do? do i step this flirtation up a notch? do i leave it alone? do i ask BabyMan tomorrow what i should do? decisions, decisions.

i finally decided to do the only thing i know - i baked him cookies. i'll leave most of them for the office, but i'm going to bring him his own bag with a note that says, "you get first dibs this time."

if cookies don't show my affection, i'm going to have to go with beer.

tacos

about 7 years ago, i met this guy online who lived in las vegas. i can't remember if we talked or if we just MSN chatted but i remember really liking him, not as a "guy" but as a friend. he said that if i were ever in vegas to look him up and he would take me to his favorite bar, the Pink Taco. i thought that was a funny name. he said it was a strip club. i thought it was an odd name for a peeler bar.

fast-forward 7 years to this past tuesday. i was watching "Glee" and Sue Sylvester threatened to kick another woman in her taco. i gasped at the visual that popped into my head and laughed at the chutzpah that the show had to have that particular turn of phrase on such a teen-driven show.

fast forward to 8:30 this evening. i was walking home from the skytrain and something reminded me of the name Pink Taco. and all of a sudden, i understood why the nudie bar was called the Pink Taco.

yes, sometimes, i actually AM that slow.

music therapy

i made a new playlist (the 2010 version of a mega mix-tape) called "I Love This Song!" i like themes when i make a new playlist and always give it a kooky name. i've been wanting to make this particular one for awhile, but it just took time to go through my entire list of songs and sort through.

i've been listening to it as i pack for mexico and everytime a new song starts, i say, "oh, i love this song!" and then i laugh. because i don't actually mean to be funny when i say i love this song, but it's why i made the playlist. i love all of my music but there are some songs that i absolutely love. my poor neighbours have had to listen to me sing all night.

not to be confused with my playlist, "Karaoke Wish List".

i miss my iPod. and i miss my little Lunatic.

i dropped her off at my dad's place at about 5 because i have to leave a an ungodly hour tomorrow morning and didn't want to have to fuss with her morning routine and then get me out the door in time. but i miss her! it's so weird. i didn't believe Sands when she said i would grow to love Luna. i laughed at all of those crazy dog people that talked about their dogs all the time. i don't talk about her very much but when i walked to my car after dropping her off, i started to tear up. i didn't actually cry, but i got emotional. i guess it doesn't help that i am very anxious about leaving her with my dad.

i called him about an hour or so later and asked him how she was. he said she played with him for a little while, but then she went to her kennel and won't come out. it breaks my heart. i think he's a little put off too. he doesn't take rejection well. i wonder where i get it from.

i assured him that she would be out of sorts for a couple of days but by monday, she'd be fine. i hope i'm not lying.

surface

i really shouldn't read into things. but i do.

our cute little associate, Bertrand, was away again last Friday. he had gone up to Whistler the weekend before and then before that had taken a personal day because he was feeling stressed. i call him "delicate". he's adorable.

there was a recurring event in my calendar that he was to be looking after but i wasn't sure if it was a past event or something coming up. i sent him an e-mail just asking whether or not he had dealt with it. i got the bounce back email saying he was away until monday and wouldn't have access to his e-mail. i didn't think too much of it.

ten minutes later, i get a message from him from his brand new BlackBerry, saying he had dealt with the matter. because i like to flirt with him, even though he's 8 years my junior in age and about 15 years my junior in how he acts sometimes, i sent him a note back that said something like, "thanks. i'll delete the rest of these reminders. miss your smiley face today. the office is dark without you. have a good weekend." i received no response back. i didn't think much of it either.

on tuesday, i was in the lunchroom with Sands and she said, "so, was that Bertran's dad that died?" whuh? she explained that he had apparently been back east on the weekend and that she had seen an obit in the paper with a guy who shared the same last name as Bertrand and listed Bertrand as a surviving child. when i got home, i did my own internet search and found the obit.

he looks just like his dad. i felt so bad for him. no one should lose their parent at 25 and the obit said that it was a sudden death. it must've been a heart attack or something.

anyway, that was last night. i was trying to get to sleep and something was just gnawing at me. and then i realized, it was the cheeky e-mail i sent to Bertrand on friday. i told him to have a good weekend for crying out loud! i knew he wouldn't take it the wrong way as really, he hadn't told anyone why he was away. he didn't even mention it when he got back. i'm not even sure his assistant knows why he was gone. but because i'm me i couldn't let it go.

i sent him an email on facebook (we're not friends, but i've sent him a message before at Christmas - flirty, of course). it said, "had i known why you were away on friday, i never would've sent you such a cheeky message. i'm very sorry for your loss. if you need an ear, i have two."

i didn't see him at all today and didn't get a response until after i got home from choir. it said, and i quote, "no worries. hearing from you, even in a cheeky manner, brings a smile to my face (wow, that is cheesy)."

is that sweet or what? but, uh, do you think he's being flirty too? he doesn't normally, which is fine. i've determined that since i'm a full generation older than him that i can sexually harrass him without much worry.

in my twisted head, of course, i see it as he's finally realizing that i'm the perfect woman for him, now that he sees i'm interested in someone else. in reality, it's just because he's such a sweet guy. ah, fantasy.

i remember

i remember why i don't like to crush on people (for real) at work. when something adverse happens...anything...i get mopey and miserable.

today, i received confirmation that my Crush is switching offices. not sure when, but it's going to happen. you'd think it was because he somehow ended up in the spare, corner-office. no student or associate should get a corner office. and yet, he's moving to Mon's old office, which is a corner office. just on the opposite corner to me.

it made me wonder whether the move was precipitated by the fact that he's always chatting with me. perhaps the partner that sits near us that often catches us chatting (albeit always about work, because he hasn't figured out how to chat with me about anything else) has caught on that there's a bit of interest on both of our parts. (not convinced about the interest on his part, or perhaps i don't want to get my hopes up). in any event, when i heard about it, i got really sulky. for once, it didn't last long, but it did happen.

i even went so far as to say to him before i left, "so, you're moving??" and he said, "yeah, you didn't know? i don't know when, but Scrooge told me i was moving. he said as much as he liked having me down here, i had to go!" curious.

what this means for me is that i'll have to try harder when it comes to flirting with him. we went out for lunch the other day (because i asked him) and i'm getting more and more comfortable with him, just chatting and teasing him about stuff. i whined at him today (my first whine!) that it felt like i hadn't seen him all day, he'd been so busy.

my worst fear, of course, is that once they hire the new girl (because the new girl has given her notice and so they have to hire a new girl to replace the new girl), they'll end up hiring someone cute and his age and much more forward than i am (it'll be like history repeating itself, over and over again), and they'll end up dating and of course, because it's me, he'll end up marrying her. oy. and i wonder why i've avoided dating for so long.

well, i have some time to work on it. oh wait, i leave for Mexico in four work days! i wonder if he'll miss me while i'm gone. or if i'll have any candy left in my candy dish when i get back. i'm quite certain he's the candy thief, but that's okay with me.

and so it begins. again.

inspiration

i was taking the Lunatic out for her last evening walk and as she sniffed the grass, i looked up to the tree above me. it's a cherry blossom tree in bloom. i adjusted my eyes to see the pale pink blooms contrast against the blue-black sky and thought, "i need to write a haiku." so i did:

With my eyes skyward
Blossoms against the dark sky
Pink arms outstretched

it's not much, but it's a reminder that i don't need to be depressed to write poetry. inspiration is all around me!

i kind of miss writing poetry. my running joke (to myself, because no one ever asks me why i don't write poetry anymore!) is that i used to write a lot of poetry, but now i'm much happier.

i've always been about writing when inspired and maybe this means i'm ready to be inspired again.

money talks

why do i do it? Mon's last day at the firm was on friday and we had a long talk at the end of the day about the partners and the firm. the new firm she's going to is paying her 40% more than she makes where i am. and it made me think: are they underpaying me too?

cut to saturday night nachos with the Duckster and A. i knew i couldn't just out and ask the Duckster how much money she made because she's very private about that stuff. however, she also doesn't like to know that people are getting screwed over when they deserve more. so i hedged a bet and started talking about Mon and how much more she'd be making and how i wondered what i should be making. she out and out told me what she makes and A chimed in with her salary (although hers isn't comparable to mine as we don't work in the same area of law and she has years more experience as a legal secretary than i do). they both make about $12,000.00 a year more than me. i think that's substantial. no wonder A can afford to travel so much!

Duckster also told me what her bonus was last year and again, over $3000.00 more than i got, and i thought i got a lot. now, i think her bonus was a lot but fuuuuuuuuuucck. she made a lot more too.

all day, i've been thinking about how if i don't get a raise this year and i don't get a bonus, then that's it. i was saddened to hear how Mon was treated by the partners in the last two weeks (it was like a bad breakup where you still had to deal with each other - very petty and childish behaviour on some of the partners' parts). is the firm as good as i think it is or are my glasses extra rosy?

i may not get much of a raise this year, if at all (although i should, because i'm at 5 years now), but i should damn well get a good bonus. i practically billed my entire salary last year - they got all my hard work for free, basically. they owe me something big.

i guess we'll see. i hate that i get hung up on this stuff. it should be good enough that i love my job and most of the people i work with. but it sucks that i can only just cover bills and make paltry contributions to various savings and RRSPs, having only a little left over for the week for incidentals.

then again, you can't take any of it with you so why get hung up on the fact that i can't buy more clothes or more purses or more shoes. i don't have anywhere to put them anyway.

but if i made more money, i could buy a bigger place and have more storage. sigh.

junk

i was watching my favorite CBC program, The Hour, with Strombo (i love him) and he did this quickie report about how addictive junk food really is. something to do with rats and how the control rats didn't go for the healthy food when the red light was on because they knew they would get a shock but the experiment rats would continually get shocked, even though they knew they were going to, because they were jonesing so bad for the crap.

i totally get it. i always say, "okay, you know what, i'm just going to finish this bag of mini- Reeses peanut butter cups because then i can just start afresh." but then the PBCs turn into a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and all of a sudden, i'm struggling to do up my pants again.

no, no, my friend. i must stop now. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini creme eggs. seriously, there's only two left. ugh, weekly weigh in time. this is not going to be pretty.

cocky

i'm eating again. it's because i fit into shit that i haven't been able to wear in years. so somehow, that tells my mind that i need to start eating junky food again. it doesn't help that it's Easter and all of my favorite junky chocolates are available at every turn. i've been doing jumping jacks and shadow sparring in between commercial breaks (because i'm also just sitting on my arse watching TV while i eat), just to feel like i haven't completely lost motivation.

it doesn't help that i stopped recording what i eat everyday. i'm still doing my sunday evening weigh-in and recording my measurements, but i was far more careful about what i ate when i had to remain conscious of it.

at least i've selected healthy choices for easter dinner, that i'm preparing for my parents. roast, salmon, yams, carrots. i need some green in there too so i think i'll do asparagus.

it doesn't help that i have a bad cold so taking Luna for her walks has been reduced to up and down the block again because i'm having trouble keeping my breath. that and i have to blow my nose every half block.

not excuses, just reasons. and now i can start over again. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini-creme eggs.

sweats

i'm sick. i struggled into work this morning (against my gut feeling that i should stay home) and ended up leaving at 10. slept on the couch for a good part of the early afternoon and then read and hydrated for the rest of the day.

when i got dressed this morning, i put on tights under my pants (unheard of) because i was cold. i had a tank top under my sweater. by 9 am, i was in the washroom, peeling my extra layers off because i was sweating. i just thought it was warm. i realized it might be time to go home when i started sweating while sitting in my chair.

i don't recall being this sick for a long time. the last time i called in "sick", i was feeling not great, but i could've gone in. in fact, by 10 am that day, i was feeling better and should've gone in. this time, totally different. i'm achy and sweaty. i sound like Barry White with a cold. i've pretty much emptied out my nasal cavities several times over throughout the day. my nose is raw (and that's using Puffs with Lotion! imagine if i had used regular tissue!). my eyes hurt and are watery. i'm coughing. and i can't hear very well. what?

i'm hoping i feel better tomorrow. i hate missing work.

rugged

i read somewhere that when a woman is on the Pill, she is attracted to men that have more feminine qualities - pretty face, lean body, less hairy. conversely, women who are not on the Pill were supposed to be attracted to the complete opposite type of man - beefy, rugged, hairy. i never believed this theory, until now.

you know my type - blonde, blue-eyed, athletic build, short-cropped hair, clean-shaven. muscular has never been something i've been attracted to.

and yet, my long-standing celebrity obsession has been Dwayne Johnson. my newest crush at work is 6'2", broad and muscular. i've been more attracted to men that have a day's worth of growth on their chin (i went to work today to do some OT and 3 of the men had a day-old beard and each one was sexy in their own right because of it....rawr!).

don't get me wrong - my pretty boys still get my attention. but it's like a switch was flipped in my head and, although i still love to look at them, my belief that pretty boys are the ones I should be dating is no longer that strong. I would look ridiculous next to them! i don't want to compete with who has more hair care products, you know?

i like rugged men now. rugged men, not pretty boys. except my new work-crush is still four years younger than me :)

freebie

i was napping on the couch on saturday when i was woken up by my phone. i saw the number was not one i recognized, so i went back to sleep. about half an hour later, i get up and see that the unknown number has left message. it was a recorded voice, saying that my debit card had been cancelled and to go to my nearest bank to get a new one. since i was going out that night, i figured i should get my ass to the bank.

turns out i was a victim of debit card skimming. the jerks made a total of 3 separate transactions - 2 $100 withdrawals and then, get this, $1000 deposit.

i went to the bank and they refunded my $200. they gave me a new bank card and i went on my way. i just checked my bank account and the $1000 is still in there.

so, do i get to keep it???

HVD

i find it interesting to note that i don't have one Valentine's Day entry in any of the years i've been blogging on this site. weird, eh?

not so weird, considering that the last time i had a Valentine, i was trying to break up with him. i like to think that i've moved onwards and upwards since then. into the stratasphere, if comparisons must be made.

honestly, i kept forgetting that it was this weekend. i was at the mall near my office on thursday and i kept seeing people carrying Purdy's bags. i wondered, "what's the draw with the chocolate right now? are they selling Olympic chocolate or something?" and then i walked the red velvet heart and silhouetted Cupid decorations and realized,"Ah. It's Valentine's Day this weekend."

i went shopping. bought my new rainboots and another pair of shoes (i know, i have a problem). i then went and had lunch (2 slices of pizza but i still came in close to my goal caloric intake today so i consider that pretty darn good). then i went grocery shopping. and then i took my Lunatic for a long walk, as it was such a gorgeous day today. and now, i write before bed and after my weekly weigh in. and i have nothing to say. except that the scale we used on Friday must be wonky because if it's not, i've already lost 4 lbs.

HVD. and good night.

biggest loser

the cousins have finally decided to do the biggest loser: Canada edition. our cousins in the States have been doing it for about 3 or 4 years now and we decided to undertake it here. if it goes well, next year we'll be doing Team USA vs. Team Canada. lol.

i was not pleased with my weigh-in last night but i guess the more i weigh, the better it is in the end. i would like to lose 25 lbs in the 10 weeks. i think that's doable. i'm going to keep a journal, not online, with my weekly weigh ins and measurements (we're not keeping track of measurements for the competition but since that's all i really care about, i'm going to, for me). but today, i enjoy my final hours of gluttony and sloth.

bring on dessert!

blue

on Wednesday, i had a serious case of the blues. it was frustrating, because there really was no reason for it. as the day went on, i felt worse and worse, so much so that i skipped out on going to choir practice (research shows that singing boosts seratonin levels). not even my little Lunatic made me feel better, although she did try her hardest at being uber-cute and charming.

when i woke up the next morning, i felt only slightly better, which is unusual. i can usually sleep off any negative feelings. i felt better as the day went on and by Friday, i was back to normal. but it still bugs me - what was i blue about?

it wasn't depression. it wasn't that ache that makes me want to cry. it wasn't even sadness. it was just a general feeling of blah. the feeling that makes you want to stare out of a window for hours on end at nothing in particular. a feeling of disinterestedness, of detachment.

maybe it is just a case of the january blues. holidays are over, everything is back to normal. the first long weekend isn't until april. the rain is back. i can see why people get sad this time of year. it's still in the back of my mind, anyway.

but, the olympics are in 2 weeks, the visitors and athletes are slowly starting to trickle in and the energy in the air is almost palpable. a new guy starts on Monday at work. change is in the air! the next month will be good. i can feel it.

torture

i've been home for about 24 hours after spending a week with my mom. don't get me wrong - it was a pretty good week. she drove me only a bit crazy, and that was only at the beginning. but i was looking forward to just having time to myself.

my brother phoned earlier and i asked him if he had seen my grandma yet today. he said no. i said that i was going and asked him whether he wanted to come with me. i told him i'd call him when i was ready to go.

flash forward to 10 minutes ago. my mom phones and asks if i'm going to see my grandma. i say yes. she asks when. i say after 6. she asks if she can come with me. i say sure. she asks if my brother is going. i say maybe. she asks if i was going to ask her if she wanted to come with me. i am surprised by how stupid she is for asking a question to which she's already decided what the answer is and stutter. she says, "no, you weren't. that's okay, that's okay. what time are you going?" and i know that when i pick her up, she's going to say something about not thinking or being thoughtful enough to ask her to go with me. why? why? why??

why does she do that to herself?

bad Christmas

it's been a rough weekend for my family. i've spent the past two days at BGH. on Christmas Day, I got word from my cousin, Ash, that her dad was in the hospital. we went that day, after going to see my grandma. i didn't actually get to see him - the nurses were frustrated that his kids wouldn't leave his bedside (he'd been in since Christmas Eve), and he hadn't gotten any real sleep because of it. they basically kicked us out of the room before we even got there.

so we waited in one of the waiting rooms for a couple of hours, talking to my cousins and talking to my aunt. he's bleeding from his rectum, but they don't know where it's coming from. they have since narrowed it down to a bleed in the intestines or in the bowel.

it's always hard for me, not because i don't have faith that he'll get better, but that my dad is upset. it's hard for me to see him crack.

boxing day, i get a call from my dad. he says that my uncle is much better and has gotten some rest, but that my grandma (their mom) has had a stroke an is also at BGH. back to the hospital we went.

the doctor in emerg basically said that she's 90 and she's not likely to spring back. it's not completely out of the question, but that it's unlikely. they've basically giving her palliative care. it was so hard to see all of my aunts and uncles breaking down.

we spent most of the day and evening at the hospital, just rotating who got to go into the room with her. four to a room and a huge filipino family - you do the math! i commented to my cousin that it's a shame that it takes something like this to get us all in one room. my cousin from Washington was driving in when i left and my cousin from edmonton was also flying in. i'll probably see them today.

i'm trying to do all of my crying now and not at the hospital. sobbing uncontrollably just sets everyone off. i'm ready to let her go - i know that sounds heartless but i've always said that grieving for someone that has live a good and long life, surrounded by family and friends, is selfish. it's the family left behind that is going to miss her most, not that she won't miss us too. but she's in so much pain right now and she's confused and trying to get out of bed when she obviously can't. it's just hard to watch. she's such a fighter and she's stubborn. knowing her, she will defy the odds and bounce back, but for how much longer?

i sometimes hate that i'm so practical about death. i suppose it's the only way i know how to deal with a situation i can't control.

superego

i am feeling 180 degrees better than i did two days ago. it's amazing what a smack to the ol' ego will do, and when i say that, i mean that i put it back in check.

i find that whenever i'm feeling unsatisfied or unhappy, the corresponding ego-size is extra-large. it's when i think i'm better than everyone else that i start to become this pouty, whiny monster.

a good cry, an internal pep-talk, and remembering what is most important in life, is all it really took to get me back to normal. a little nutty is normal. quirky is normal. slightly manic is normal. but diva is not.

welcome back, me!

lowered expectations

after probably over 10 years, i finally had another breakdown at work. those of you that know me well know that i don't ever cry at work, or in front of other people. it's not something i do unless i feel completely hopeless, helpless or frustrated. today was the latter.

doesn't even matter how it happened. i had, what i would consider but was probably just an exchange of words for the other person, a tiff with one of my lawyers. i'm tired of her princess-ness. "no one ever does my work" or "i never know where my files are". you know what? BUCK YOU. (no, that's not a typo).

my problem, as Sands quickly pointed out when she followed me into the bathroom, is that i have high expectations for myself and i expect the same of other people. perhaps even higher expectations for them. i'm just so sick and tired of hearing how rough my lawyer has it whe she creates a lot of the workload problems herself. she doesn't know how to manage her practice yet. she doesn't know how to utilize her assistants properly. and what happens? things get out of control. people get pissed off. like me.

in the same vein, i wonder whether i sometimes am a bit stubborn when it comes to her work. my dislike for the area of law in general may come into play, but when i work with my other lawyers in this area, i can take everything in stride. i don't want to think it's because she's a woman or because she's also a friend that i can't work with her. but i think she's unreasonable and just because she can get her way by rubbing up against the partners, it doesn't work that way with me. in fact, it has the opposite effect.

really, though, i'm tired. i haven't had a relaxing, no-brainer vacation in many, many moons. sure, i've had vacations and long weekends but everything i've done away from work this past year has been filled with activities, mostly of my own planning. this past may was supposed to be my week-long beach vacation but that turned into the Grand Canyon and Vegas - great vacation but not exactly relaxing.

my next time away is gearing up to be exactly the same. why do i do this to myself? i am burned out but i insist on plugging along. i'm carrying over five days of holidays for this year into january, so that i don't have to take five days out of next years holidays and only be left with 10 for the majority of the year, and end up being burned out and spazzing at work by october.

yet i desperately need time off now. like, i'm going to crack if i don't get it time-off. i wish i could just use my sick days as mental health days. maybe i shouldn't plan anything for this weekend, even though i have a mentorship thing on friday night and an information session on sunday afternoon. maybe my Christmas tree just won't go up this year so i am not pressuring myself to do it on thursday just so i can have it up.

i need to sleep.

BCIT

i have a crush on our new associate, who is 8 years younger than me.

he's adorable. and kind of dumb, in the street-smart kind of way. really bright at work, but a low-wattage when it comes to everyday things. i don't know what it is about him. he's tall and lanky - too skinny, actually. he's an ethical vegetarian (because it's too hard to be a vegan) and he has a painted portrait of his favorite philosopher on his wall at work. he's a bit shy but blunt, without being rude (the shyness probably helps take the edge off). and the only thing he ever really initiates conversation with me about is Manny Pacquiao. he looks GQ until he opens his mouth and laughs this really dorky laugh. he's a conundrum, and i like it.

a friend of mine, who is very good at ingesting information and presenting her findings in a succinct and meaningful way, once deduced that i love guys who aren't what they look like. for example, that chinese-italian guy i met at speed dating (who, coincidentally, is a friend of her family's). he looks asian, but speaks fluent italian. or the Gigolo. hot guy who has a PhD in biochemistry. i love paradoxes.

i just have to figure out how to make that work for me. not with just the Cub (if at all, as we do work together), but in general. i will certainly have fun trying.

visions

i went to see a psychic last night. she was recommended to me by a friend of mine, who thought she was so bang-on that as soon as i could, i made an appointment. it took me two months, but my time finally came.

i thought it wasn't meant to be. first, she called me three times in the span of 24hours over the weekend to confirm the appointment (shouldn't a psychic know that i'm out of town?). that bothers me when guys do it, and it bothers me when anyone else does it too. then, even though i left in plenty of time, i ended up getting lost and being 20 minutes late for the appointment because i thought i knew the street she lived on. i didn't.

but her readings were fairly accurate. oh sure, she could've done some research on me on the internet - lord knows if you google my name, you'll find a letter i've written to the editor or something i've posted on a webpage. but she certainly couldn't find this blog and the friend that introduced me certainly never said anything to her about me.

the highlights? i have to wait a few more months for my "guy" to come and find me. i'll be 34 when we meet, and 37 when something major happens. i'll do loads and loads of travelling in my life (yay!). she said she doesn't see me having kids, which was not a surprise to me as, in recent years, i've felt i wasn't meant to have my own kids. i don't know if that rules out adoption or being a stepmom, but i'm not sure that it doesn't either. i'm going to have a long life. and i'm stubborn and don't like people touching my stuff. true.

sure, all pretty vague stuff. but just as i was getting up to leave, she took one more look at the pictures i brought with me and said, "your brother works at a warehouse?" yes. "future shop?" yes. "oh good. that logo kept popping into my head and i couldn't understand why!" she picked up on some of my friends and family and how they relate to me. some on how their lives are going to go. and she said my Luna was a bit psychic (not psycho, but she'd be right in that respect as well).

at the end, she kept saying, "i'm not worried about you. you're going to be just fine." that's worth the $90.00, if you ask me.

i believe the future is not set in stone. yes, what she predicted for me last night may very well be what is going to happen. but if i change my course, so will my future. i think the beauty of psychics, so long as you don't take them too literally, is that they give you hope for what could lie in the future. if they predict something good, then you have that chance to project that good into the universe so that the good will come to you. if they predict something bad, then you have a chance to change it.

say what you will about psychics - they're not all bad. they just shouldn't charge so darn much for their God-given gift.

lessons

a friend of mine at work told me that my dog would teach me a lot about myself. i agreed, but only to be polite. how wrong i was.

i was sitting on the couch one evening, beckoning Luna to join me in watching TV. she stood there, wagging her tail and looking cute, so i grabbed her and put her on the couch with me. she wriggled away and jumped off. i was slightly frustrated - we've been living together now for 3 months and i feel like she likes me a lot, but isn't connected to me yet. three months is a long time.

and then it hit me - connections take time. love takes time. trust takes time. relationships take time. OMG, my dog has just made me realize that the reason i've been unsuccessful in "finding" someone these past few years is that i want that instantaneous connection, which I'll never get. i can't force someone to love me anymore than i can force my dog to. i can't expect someone to take an interest in me if i don't appear interested in them. also, it's easy enough to put myself "out there" to earn the love of my dog - i should be making more of an effort to get myself "out there" to earn the love of another person. baby steps.

i know that this is not new to me. but like any concept, sometimes it takes awhile...in this case, years...for it to really sink in and become something i'm truly cognizant of - that i can understand fully, identify and, most importantly, own.

good girl, Luna!

p.s. if you are wondering why i'm blogging in the middle of the afternoon on a workday, i called in sick. well, i called in "not feeling great". i wasn't. i think i'm coming down with another cold (i just got over the one i had two weeks ago) so i wanted to head this one off at the pass. plus, my traps are killing me. i was hoping to get into the RMT today but she's not working. i could go to someone else, but mine knows exactly what my problem areas are and how to help. don't mess with a good thing, you know?

i could go see my cute chiro, though. but $40 for a 10 minute crack (even though it involves a lot of body manipulation and leaning into me....oooooh, yeah) is a bit much for therapy and a thrill, even for me :)

too little

there was a baby shower for a paralegal friend today. when i got the invite, i noticed that Dutch was invited. i knew he would be, since he was good friends with the new dad, but i haven't seen him since their christmas party two years ago. and even then, he still didn't remember my name, although he did remember that we had met in the past.

actually, each time we've met subsequent to our initial meeting, he's always approached me and said, "hi, i don't think we've met. i'm Dutch." i fully expected that today, and briefed Mandy on our "history" so she would know when we got there.

he came in with his new wife (they got married last summer). he took a seat beside the girl i was sitting beside. when i turned to look at him, he (i think) gave me a look and said, "hi, CG." OMG. he actually remembered my name. we didn't chat much, but i made sure to make my presence known, if you know what i mean. i'd get up to get something from the food table, or get up to get a toy for one of the kids.

he won a box of chocolates in one of the party games we played and decided to share. he turned to the girl beside me and said, "why don't i pass it down this way first?" and the girl beside me said, "don't you want to give your wife first crack at it?"

when he left, he gave me that look again and said, "it was nice to see you again, CG. i'm sure i'll see you again at another function."

when Mandy and I left, the first thing she said was, "holy, was Dutch ever checking you out! everytime you got up, he'd give you the up and down look. at one point, i wanted to say to him, 'just go and do her in the bathroom already!'" i would've been okay with that, but i don't think his wife would've been. plus, it was a kids' party.

what is wrong with men? obviously he wasn't attracted enough to me to ask me out the previous times we'd met but really? in front of your wife? oy.

done

perhaps i'm feeling a bit PMS-y, but i think i'm done inviting Doc Tardy to things. i know she has family obligations, but it's getting ridiculous. even though she said she would go to the movie in the park on saturday, at the last minute, she said she still had houseguests from her brother's wedding last week so she had to entertain them (excuse me? it's her brother's guest - what does that have to do with her?). she's backed out of going to whistler to go to italy again (yes, i know it's italy but this is the third time in a year...with her mom...to take care of her uncle's estate. not a vacation). she complains that she doesn't get out enough. she complains that her parents take up so much of her free time. she complains her brother doesn't help out enough. she complains she isn't meeting any eligible men. she complains she isn't having enough fun. guess what? it's her fault. oh, but she says she's knows, she knows.

i'm done inviting her out places. everyone else can if they want, but i'm done.

deja here we go again

i met this guy on the fishing website. actually, i had marked him as a favorite, intending to re-read his profile to see if i wanted to message him. i had doubts, mainly because he was one of those tall, wiry guys and we know how i look next to them. but he beat me to it. the next day, he had sent me a message that said:

"thanks for the compliment of adding me to your favorites. You are clearly beautiful and your profile sounds terrific.I look forward to finding out which of the available options made you add me as a favorite! :) All my best..."

i was very, very intrigued. we traded a couple of messages back and forth and decided to meet for coffee the next week, meaning this past thursday.

to make a long story short, it was really nice. i really liked him. it was slightly awkward but we had a lot in common and he was a genuinely nice guy. kind of geeky but really cute at the same time. really good sense of humor. tall and lanky but i could get over the lanky part because of the dark hair and blue eyes. we made plans to get together again next week and parted ways.

i sent him my usual text the next day, just re-iterating that i had a good time. he said the same and i returned the text with asking him whether he was free that sunday or the following one. he never answered it.

i pow-wowed with Mon and she said i should just phone him. when i got home from my walk this evening with Luna, i was ready to pick up the phone. but i decided to check my e-mail first, even though i have hidden my profile on the fishing site and was no longer getting e-mails. and he sent me one. i had hope. it said:

"I had a great time last week, but I had a second and third date with someone else, and we've decided to become exclusive. I'm jut about to delete my profile.Thanks for a great time, and good luck!"

AGAIN? REALLY? this is the third time this year that i've connected with someone and they've picked someone else, and about the six or seventh time in my dating history that it's happened. Really?

i must have really shitty dating karma.

re-think

i recently re-took an online version of the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test and discovered that i have changed. for so many years, i my type has always been INFJ (introverted-intuitive-feeling-judging). it's a very rare type (i think i prided myself on it).

when i re-took it, i ended up being an ISFJ (introverted-sensing-feeling-judging). the description i found on the internet made so much more sense - it was basically a portrait of me:

http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html

even the career suggestions included mine. i was pleased. until i found the link that said which MB type i should be with - ESFP (extraverted-sensing-feeling-perceiving) or ESTP (extraverted-sensing-thinking-perceiving). extraverts? really? i mean, i know i need someone who is more outgoing than i am, but an extravert?

oddly enough, in my online dating exploits, i've specifically avoided men who were in sales, marketing or actors. and who are ESFPs or ESTPs? Salesmen, marketers and performers. Oy.

humid

ugh, it's humid. there was a storm last night. i was not pleased. i haven't had to deal with thunderstorms here in at least five years so being at an outdoor festival was not a good combo.

i should have known. it was humid and hot for most of the morning yesterday and then by the afternoon when we were heading out to the festival, it had cooled down quite a bit. i had hoped the rain and storm would hold off until i got home, but as i was not in 100% control of when we left or what we did after the festival, i literally had to weather the storm. we ended up at a coffee shop in north van where Doc Tardy was being set up with Magpie's friend's brother. it was raining when we got there but within 20 minutes of us sitting down, the lightning started. and i had a mini-meltdown in the washroom. seriously, i need hypnosis.

we waited it out for a couple of hours and then the whole business of me getting home in the dark started to worry me. couple that we me having to take Luna out for her evening washroom break before bed and i was not a happy camper.

don't laugh, but when i got home, i called my brother. he and my dad were on their way home from my Lola's house, so i asked them to come by to walk Luna. my dad obliged and they ended up staying for a hour and a half. my dad really likes my dog.

hopefully today is better. it's sunny out there with nary a cloud in the sky but it's humid again. please storm at night when i'm sleeping, if it has to storm at all!

friends

my dad called me the other day and told me about the packages he was offered by his company. he read out the three options and i immediately said, "dad, you gotta call mom. i know nothing about this stuff."

apparently he did. and apparently, they're friends now. weird.

i think Luna has something to do with it - he's got something to take care of again, which gives him a sense of purpose everyday (my underlying reason of getting her, afterall). second, now that he's not working anymore, he doesn't take as many painkillers as he used to, so he's detoxed and is no longer House-like in his moods.

my mom said he offered her a ride to my grandma's birthday party on saturday and then said she could use the car whenever she needed one, so she wouldn't have to rent one anymore. weird, right?

i'm glad he's finally come around. it's hard having one parent despise the other. hopefully it lasts.

end of an era

i phoned my dad this evening just to tell him that there was a good sale on Purex toilet paper at Extra foods (12 double 3-ply rolls for $4.96 - a steal!). i then asked him how he was doing and he told me that, after much consideration, he's decided to stop working.

he's been a physical laborer ever since we moved here 31 years ago and that's a long time to be thrashing your body around. he only had 2 years to retirement but he says that his company is going to start offering packages to people who are close to retirement. hopefully they offer him something good.

in the meantime, he's applied for disability. i asked him whether he could afford to do that, quit working, and he said, "what choice do i have?"

had my parents stayed together, he'd have retired with less worry than he has to now. he would have done it because he was ready, not because he physically couldn't work anymore. he told me he emailed my mom to let her know. i haven't had a chance to talk to her yet, but i'm interested to hear what she has to say.

i told him i would hire him as my dog walker and he laughed. i know he'll enjoy spending time with Luna, as well as having something to do everyday. it won't be much, but at least he'll be getting out. i told him he should look into doing it as a part-time job. at $10 a pooch, 5 days a week, he'd be just fine.

i really am getting older. it's weird. and really scary.

reality

i was flipping channels and came upon the end of a show where the main character (i'm assuming, since she was doing the final, Wonder Years-esque voice-over) watched as her mom was sentenced to spend a month in a rehab facililty. the voice-over said something about how the fog of childhood lifts when you finally see your parents as people, and not just your parents. how true that is.

it's become readily apparent to me in the past four years that the fog has lifted and just like Jimmy Cliff, i can see clearly now. or at least, a little more clear.

i think my dad is sinking into a deeper depression. i didn't want to believe he was depressed before, but there's no other way i can describe it. i've asked The Angels whether i should intervene and try to help him, and they said no. i understand - he's a big boy and can take care of himself. but that doesn't mean it doesn't worry me.

it's not that i think he'll do anything to harm himself. i think he just wants people to feel sorry for him, which is pretty sad in itself. i know he sees himself as a victim of the separation. he hears about my mom spending three weeks in Europe after having spent three weeks earlier this year in the Philippines and i know he's bitter. or jealous. or angry. or something. but he sloughs everything off like it's nothing. but you can just feel that it's eating away at him.

i have the opportunity to get a dog for free, basically. i know it's not the right time for me, but i have this feeling that if i get the dog, and if my dad warms up to it, then perhaps the dog might be some built-in therapy for him. something that accepts him for who he is, but loves him unconditionally anyway - you know, what my mom couldn't do for him. i think he just needs someone or something to care about again.

it's a bit of a risk, getting a dog and hoping that it will help my dad emotionally, but i think i'm willing to do it. it'll probably help me out a little too.

in touch

George suggested a lunch for all us girls for this past saturday. she had thrown out white rock, which i loved. i responded to the e-mail and said, "that's great! i was going to suggest lonsdale because of this artisan market that will be there, but white rock is good too!" and of course, everyone else said, "both sound good. doesn't matter to me." i was so ticked off, i purposefully didn't respond until saturday morning.

by then, the responses were all pointing towards lonsdale, so we all made our plans. George parked her car at my building and we walked to the skytrain together. we then took the seabus (which i've never taken) to the Quay. we did a bit of a wander whilst waiting for Doc Tardy and T to show up. once we were all together, we picked a restaurant for lunch and sat on the patio. we chatted and ate and chatted. then we wandered around the shops, ending up in a little jewelry store specializing in local, Canadian artists. we all ended up buying rings and T and George ended up buying earrings and necklaces to go with their rings. then we drove to park royal village and did a bit more shopping there. we ended the afternoon with a coffee and then Doc drove us to the skytrain. it was probably one of the best days i've spent in a really long time. and i almost didn't end up going because of how stubborn i am.

i think .... i know over the years, i've tended to turn inwards for everything because i haven't wanted to deal with the rejection from friends or potential dates or family. it's made me a colder person. i don't think i'm a cold person, but i now come across that way because of this fear of failure and rejection that i have. it's weird.

and even though i was at work today until 5:30, i did spend some time with Mon, just chatting but also building the bond we have started to form. it sounds a bit corny when i say it, but ultimately that's what is happening. i know she's looking for a new attachment now that A is gone, but that doesn't mean i'm second or a consolation prize. it just means she now has time to get to know me and vice-versa.

in a weird way, spending more time at work is fostering new friendships and strengthening existing ones. but it probably also means my work suffers a little too :)

speaking of work, the new guy started today. OMG, is he ever adorable! we called him hot new guy behind his back but now that i've gotten a good look at him, he is just so adorable, there's no way i can call him hot, or even be hot for him. the 7 year age difference probably helps keep my hormones in check too. seriously, he is so cute, i want to pinch his cheeks. and no, not those ones.

brevity

i was tired this morning. i didn't have a very good sleep, despite the fact that i went to bed fairly early. i kept waking up in the middle of the night, not wanting to open my eyes because i knew it wasn't time to get up, but at the same time wondering if i was wrong.

when the elevator door opened to our floor at work, i took one step out and saw the Mentor staring at me expectantly. i thought, "she couldn't possibly be rude enough to stalk me at the elevator like the lawyers do. who does she think she is?"

but she launched right into her spiel, "i have to do this response today and i don't know anything about this file. it's A's file and she's not here anymore and i don't know what to do..." blah, blah, blah. she followed me from the reception area to the kitchen, and then to my desk. i stared at her incredulously, but it was lost on her. i was so angry.

in fact, i was pissy all morning. everytime i heard that parrot-voice of hers (squawk, squawk), i cringed internally. i barely said a word to anyone.

then, i was angry at myself for letting her get to me. so i was in an even pissier mood. and then i remembered Lesson 3 of the 45 Life Lessons:

"life is too short to waste time hating anyone." so true. instead of letting myself wallow in my anger as i do, i did my best to shake it off. and i managed to do it before lunch. i think the mocha and chocolate chip banana bread helped. i suppose it's also not helpful that i'm PMSing. well, whatever works, yeh?

small steps

A's last day at work was friday. i believe she was politely asked to leave. i think it's pretty obvious that was the case. in any event, there are a few of us left now to pick up the pieces. literally, to deal with the messes she left. i came to work yesterday and there were stacks of files on my floor with memos attached and boxes of binders for files i hadn't seen in years. i was surrounded by files.

now, normally that's the way i work anyway, but this was ridiculous. everytime i rolled my chair back, i'd run over a file. whenever someone would bring me more work, i'd take it, look at the various piles on my desk, shake my head and make space for it.

i found myself sitting in my chair, more work than i've had in months staring me in the face, and all i could do was stare back at the piles and wonder, "how am i even going to deal with this?"

when in doubt, take small steps. so that's what i did. i took one thing off the pile of emergencies and started to work. when the Ninja came up to me and handed me something he said was urgent, i put my other task aside, tackled the Ninja's assignment and then went back to what i was doing. when Mr. Postman came up to me and handed me a file he wanted me to prep for trial next week, i put aside my self-assigned task and spent an hour organizing his file.

the piles on my desk are not any smaller and the personal day i'm taking today is not going to make those piles shrink, but i can only do what i can do.

the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. and the journey of a thousand files begins with one small piece of paper.

the truth shall set you back on track

i went to go visit my dad yesterday. i hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. about 45 minutes into the visit, i sit on the couch near the chair where he is sitting. he says, "are you getting fat again?"

i said no. and then i said maybe. time to cut out the ice cream and chocolate again.

damn.

competition

i'm very competitive. and i'm also fairly realistic. does the combination of the two make for a go-getter? no, not in my case.

i hate to lament once more and for the umpteenth time about online dating, but i really don't know why i continue to subject myself to it. i enjoy the variety that is offered but as i said before, i tend to stick with the same thing. it's like when i go to certain restaurants - i always look at the menu, and always consider my options but in the end, i always get my usual. i'm a girl that likes having options. lots and lots of options. i'd be one of those celebrities with the yard-long list of food demands in my dressing room, but only ended up nibbling on the M&Ms. (actually, who am i kidding - when it comes to a buffet of food, i'll one of everything).

anyhoo, i'm once again feeling like a competitor, and i don't like that feeling. i know that's just the way it is when you're trying to meet someone, but honestly, the online experience heightens that feeling. it's probably because the talent pool is much larger because the arms of the web extend far past the reaches of downtown or my neighbourhood. i'm meeting people that i never would have met had it not been for online dating and once again, i think that perhaps there was a reason for that

meeting JW tomorrow. you wonder why i'm feeling bleh about it.

midnight sparks

i just finished watching "nights in rodanthe". damn it, if nicholas sparks got me again. as i watched, kept checking the time to see how far into the movie i was, and how much longer it was going to take. not always a good sign. it's not that it was a long movie - in fact, i think it was under 2 hours. i just kept wondering when something bad was going to happen (because you know something is). in fact, something did but i didn't get teary when i found out something bad happened. i got teary when diane lane's character sank into such a state of despondence and depression that her 15 year old daughter had to pick up her pieces.

but that didn't make me sad. what made me sad is that i haven't felt that way about someone in so long. sure, i've gotten so attached to someone that i thought i felt that sad when they were no longer a part of my life. but feeling that heart-wrenching, stomach-twisting ache for someone...it's such a foreign feeling to me now.

i know the walls that i've put up are to keep me feeling safe and emotionally unhurt, but it's tough on a softie like me. i wonder sometimes when it all turned around for me; when did the walls begin to go up? it's one of those things you don't realize has happened until one day, you try to reach out and make a connection, but end up hitting the walls you've built around you (obviously not you, specifically, but you as a generalization).

i've always said that i never want to feel that kind of hurt again - it sucks, you know? what i am starting to realize is that i'm not just keeping hurt at arm's length; i'm keeping the potential for love at arm's length too. great love doesn't come without great pain (although i always think that love should be the dominant feeling, at least 90% of the time), just like great success doesn't come without great sacrifice. have i become so scared of the possibility of being hurt again that i've sacrificed my potential for an important facet of happiness?

the body and mind are such amazing mechanisms. the body's ability to heal itself is a constant source of wonder to me (it brings to mind my first trip to Mexico many years ago). and the mind's ability to facilitate physical healing is nothing short of a miracle. it fascinates me that while the mind has healing powers, it also has the power to cast doubt and raise suspicion in its thinker. like an awkward, teen-aged Clark Kent who is just discovering his powers or an aging wizard who has lost some control over his magic wand, sometimes the mind is so powerful, it can hurt itself and its owner.

i think it's time for bed.

all's fair

i was listening to Sands complaining about how the Cougar always seems to get what she wants, be it a free parking spot or some guy helping her re-model her kitchen for just the cost of materials. she knew she shouldn't complain because the Cougar has had her share of hard knocks and besides, those who don't ask, don't get, right?

so i told her to look at the siuation with some perspctive. the Cougar gets free parking spots and free tickets to hockey games because she has zero shame and just asks. she's not proud - she'll ask for anything if she thinks she can get it. Sands isn't like that. she is very proud and i pointed out to her that her pride is what keeps her from getting the freebies. no one gets freebies who doesn't ask for it. and Sands won't part with her pride for one minute. so, she has to sacrifice a good parking space every now and then because she doesn't want to lower herself to the Cougar's standard.

and take a look at the Cougar's life. she is a survivor and self-provider because she has to be. she raised two kids on her own after she left an emotionally-abusive marriage. would Sands trade her life for the Cougar's? nope.

some traits, such as that "go get 'em" attitude are borne from necessity. i'm thankful that i've lived a life where i've had to "go get 'em" because i wanted to, not because i had no choice.

life isn't always fair, but it's good when you put it in perspective.

45 life lessons

i received one of those "life lesson" forwards today from a friend. i always read them because i always like to be reminded of what i should be thankful of, but what i often lose sight of. so now, i produce them here for you:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

and now, i have a new project for myself. for the next 45 entries (or at least, when i don't have anything in particular to write about), i will write about a life lesson. in order. and the entry will either be about the lesson itself and how i feel about it, or a story that i can share that deals with the lesson. perhaps i can write about how i plan on learning the lesson or why i don't think the lesson is quite up to scratch.

this should be interesting. thank goodness there's no good TV on. ooh, except SYTYCD. ciao!

oy.

yes, two posts in one day. what can i say? i'm trying to get my 10,000 hours in.

i was just looking at my "favorites" list on the fishing site and WTF. every single guy i've marked on my favorites looks exactly like the guy above him and below. talk about Type.

forget hypnotherapy for over-eating or compulsive shopping. i need hypnotherapy to get over my dark-haired, pretty-boy obsession.

ha! they weren't even blond.

Ms. Complacent

last week, i came in to work and it was raining from the ceiling above my computer. two floors up on the 18th floor, the plumbed-in coffee machine had burst a pipe, and it leaked all the way down to the fourth floor. needless to say, there was some water damage to our little corner of the office.

a good part of the week, i was working with two industrial-sized fans blowing my papers around. i had to clean off my desk so the drywaller guys could get access to the window and the ceiling. i had to deal with walls banging and de-humidifying. okay, it wasn't just me that had to deal with it, but apparently i dealt with it in the most pleasing way because one of the partners handed me an envelope today and said, "here ya go."

i opened it up and there was a thank you card that basically said thank you for putting up with all of the disturbance, and they enclosed a $50 gift certificate to the Milestones chain of restaurants. nice! i didn't want to bring it up to Mon, mostly because i don't think she'll get one for her troubles (and her office sustained the most damage, including that to her law degree). however, she was the most vocal about how displeased she was, so i think i will keep my bounty to myself.

on the JW front, we had a long conversation on the phone yesterday. what i find unusual about him is that he wants to know how to handle me - most guys could care less. he wanted to know what he could expect from me (behaviour-wise) as we got to know each other, what he should do to make things easier to get to know me, etc. it was weird just being able to say, "okay, so i'm an introvert. you need to be patient enough with me to let me get accustomed to you at my own pace, but forward enough to just drag me out and say, 'enough sitting around, let's go out and do something.'" i told him that he was doing well as far as getting to know me was concerned, because i was still talking to him and he hadn't done anything to annoy me once. he thought that was pretty funny.

oddly, he never mentioned the whole HPV thing. i suppose he assumes i'll see it on his profile, or perhaps he'll mention it when we've decided to actually start spending time together. right now, we're basically just getting to know each other through emails and phone calls but nothing has been established yet as far as whether we'll actually try to be friends or more. we have to meet in person first.

and again, i don't know if i can do more just because of his medical situation. he alluded a lot to "creative sex" yesterday, but never really said why. i didn't ask because it's an icky conversation to have ("so, did you cheat on your girlfriend or did your girlfriend cheat on you?"). i definitely think we could be friends though. he's different enough from me that he'll draw me out, but not so different that i wouldn't want to spend any time with him.

it helps that he's hot, too.

heat

it's probably the hottest day of the year so far, and i've been in the kitchen since 6:15. i made my szechuan green beans for tomorrow and Wednesday's lunch. then i made a cake (which is still baking - remind me never to use glassware to bake ever again). and then i made some chicken breasts to go with the beans. it's so hot in this apartment right now.

but i've been listening to my Chillaxin' mix, enjoying my pseudo-domesticity. i even washed and dried all the dishes! i must be PMSing.

that's the good thing about this time of year. all my favorite shows are now on re-runs so i have time in the evenings to do real stuff - read a book, work on my writing, go for a walk, bake, cook, date.

i was sitting in the boardroom with some people from work on friday and MK happened to mention that i was single (or lumped me in with her and other single girlfriends) and one of the lawyers said, "you don't have a boyfriend? that surprises me." someone else piped in, "i know; i just don't get it." then they all took turns listing off the reasons why i am such a great catch - i cook, i bake, i own my own place, i'm good-looking, i'm smart, i'm funny... i finally said, "exactly! who wants to put up with that kind of perfection?'' :)

i watched the movie "Up" on Saturday. it was really cute and it made me cry a bit. i always cry at movies where the male character shows undying love and devotion to the female one. and then, yesterday, i saw "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". i thought it was really cute! i'm starting to like Jennifer Garner. she annoyed me before but she's got her charm. and Matthew McConaughey....mmmm, delicious. and then, the icing on the cake was that Daniel Sunjata was the romantic rival. i audibly "oh'd". T laughed at me. but he is worth an oh and so much more. tasty morsel of a man! ah, but this movie made me cry too. it was completely predictable how it ended and i don't think it made any apologies about that, but that Matthew McConnaughey is so earnest when he pleads for a second chance, i couldn't help myself.

too romantic in the head, not enough in the heart. or is it the other way around?

too honest

there is, i have determined, such a thing as too much honesty.

JW is good-looking and kind. he's tall and soulful. he actually makes pretty decent music. he's open-minded and free-spirited, but not in a way that makes him flaky. he's articulate and intelligent. he likes kids and cooks lasanga. he's a Big Brother and has been for the past three years. he's in touch with his feelings and isn't too afraid to share them. too good to be true, right? that's what i thought.

here is what i already knew about him but decided i could live with in order to have a chance with him: he lives in a suite at his dad's house. he's sold his car and takes the bus everywhere. he considers himself a musician above what his day job is (teaching ESL). he wholly admits that in his younger years (and not so younger years, also his words), he was more interested in bedding women than getting to know them.

i decided to check out his profile again today as i noticed he had change his picture (he tends to add and delete stuff on his profile when the mood hits him). today, i found out tha he contracted HSV-2 (read: herpes) about four years ago. i have a feeling i know why his last LTR ended.

not surprisingly, i have changed my entire view of how to approach a potential relationship with him, at least in the romantic sense. perhaps i'm wrong, but herpes is not one of those things (like living at your parents' house) that you overlook when considering starting a new relationship with someone.

i think that's too much for even me to deal with. it's too bad - he seemed practically-perfect for me on paper.

scaredy cat

i admit it - i don't want to mess up my chances with this new guy, JW (and no, not that kind of JW).

i am intrigued by him and he, in turn, is intrigued by me - he's said as much -but i can't help wondering who else he's corresponding with. i know that's dumb because if i don't end up being the standout, well then he wasn't right for me anyway, etc., etc. but when someone captures my interest as keenly as he has, and the only thing that stands out about him physically for me is that he's tall, then you know he's something to me.

he thought it was cute that we've connected emotionally by email and phone (we haven't met yet). i almost told him that it's easy for me to connect with people by email and by phone because it's not a real connection. you're not sitting in front of someone, reading their face and their body language; you're reacting to the sound of their voice and what's coming out of their mouth, or the words they are typing. that's not real. not in the same way a face-to-face conversation is.

let's face it, i've lost a few opportunities because the face-to-faces did not live up to the emails. i can't say why. maybe i really just wasn't into them. and vice versa, of course.

i really should have done exit-interviews.

faith

i've met a guy on the fishing website that i really like. we've exchanged some great emails and i just got off the phone with him after an hour-long chat. i can honestly say that if it doesn't work out as far as dating goes, i would still really like him as a friend. he's easy to talk to and i feel i can be myself with him. i hope things go well. so far, so good.

bad boys

whatcha gonna do?

i never thought i was the bad boy type. but it appears i'm chasing one, just for shits and giggles. he's been texting me for the past couple of days (which is interesting, because i gave him my number a couple of weeks ago but he never used it). in fact, i wasn't exactly sure it was him until he mentioned the whole biochemist thing. then again, who else would be texting me from the 250?

it would be woefully stupid of me to meet up with him, or to pursue anything at all but this harmless flirting. i've been known to do stupid things in the past for a hot guy. i just hope i don't do anything dumb this time.

he is smokin' hot, though. then again, the last smokin' hot Adonis i pursued (shiny-ness and all) ended up being a terrible lay and small to boot. sometimes the pretty packaging can't make up for the serious structural and programming deficiencies.

but oh, if i wasn't a sucker for marketing. God help me.

Capricorn Rising

i've always gotten along well with Capricorns. perhaps because, on the astrological chart, they are the opposite sign to Cancers. they are Cancer's "yang".

my first boyfriend was an Aquarius. yang.

second boyfriend was a Cancer. they say two Cancers together can understand each other, but it helps if they're both "understanding".

third boyfriend is a Pisces (i just had so much trouble spelling that and i finally had to look it up. damn silent 's'). the best yang i've had to date (no pun intended - but since we're there, i think the best yang I've ever had was an Aries).

i've also dated a Taurus (yin), an Aries, and a Libra (or was he a Virgo? i can't remember, but it kind of makes a difference). and based on some of the personalities, a whole host of Leos, Geminis and a couple of Scorpios thrown in there for good measure. the Showmen of the zodiac, if you will.

but Capricorns - they are truly my opposites. when i'm flighty, they ground me. when i'm too earth-bound, they loosen my roots with a few choice words of encouragement.

they're practical but not stuffy. they offer me security and sensibility. they're hard-working and respect authority, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy letting loose every now and then.

i think i need to find a nice Capricorn. and if he's blonde, 6'2" and has blue eyes, all the better.

:)

the gigolo

why i'm upset about this, i don't know. it may be some real insight into my twisted psyche.

a couple of weeks ago, i got a message on the dating website i'm on from this smokin' hot guy. smokin' freakin' hot. hawt. and he told me he thought i was hot and came right out and told me he'd like to pleasure me. no apologies. he gave me his msn address (iscrew@domain.com - and he was serious) and said we should chat. he said he could come to my place or he would "host"at a nice hotel downtown (hence, the Gigolo moniker i've given him). his profile was bare-bones - one or two interests listed and a couple of sentences to list what he was looking for. i'll admit it. i bit. sort of.

i sent him an email that said that i was oh, so tempted because he was so fantastically hot, but that i was sure he had made the offer to other people already, so have fun.

he immediately sent me another email with his "real" msn. so i added him. we chatted once and to be honest, he came across as intelligent and nice. Moderately horny, but he didn't push the issue either. i was intrigued.

yesterday, Mon and i were talking about our matches on the site and we were talking about how we hate it when guys post gratuitous ab shots. then she starts telling me about this guy who emailed her and they had a brief exchange and then he blocked her for saying something he thought was stupid. she described him and i immediately thought it was the Gigolo.

today, we had a minute and she showed me his email. it was him. it was the Gigolo. but under a different profile. WTF! what a shyster! i read what his first email to her was and it was something to the effect of, "I was so intrigued by your smile, I had to write you." nothing, not one hint of anything sexual. it was just a normal email. i was stymied. he had even given her his "real" email address.

what was his motivation? i didn't understand but i wasn't too bothered. until now.

i just had a minute to read his "other" profile - it listed about 30 different interests and it had a funny "point" list of things he gaves points for and things he took points away for. i got 48 points, by the way. based on this profile, he seems like a great guy. i would have definitely messaged him with the profile alone (okay, the fact that he's uber-hot does help a bit).

so, why didn't he message me under his PG profile? why do i get dirty-Gigolo instead of the Boy Nextdoor?

the other side to this story? i met him online six (count 'em) years ago when he messaged me for the same thing. the odd part? i kept the photos he sent me because i was so intrigued by him then. what are the odds that we would meet again on a different site, six years later? what are the odds that he would proposition me again?

and here i go again, looking for oddities in the situation that will make me stand out from everyone else. what is wrong with me? the guy is so obviously a player, it shouldn't bother me that he didn't offer me his "real" self. grrr. i don't understand. i suppose i can take solace in the fact that, even after six years, he still thinks i'm hot.

but i'd rather be smart and funny.

busy

i've been busy with first dates and e-mails to and from potential dates and it's kind of fun. i was chatting with Mon today about the site and, of all people, she said she was scared of the in-person meet-up because she was afraid that they would judge her. i told her i had no problems with the first dates anymore; it's second dates i'm scared of. truth be told, i think i might actually be scared to meet someone i really like.

while i'm over the relationship itself, the scars from my relationship with the Ex are still very prominent, i realize now. it will probably sound odd, but i'm not scared of being judged or being compared to a previous girlfriend (not yet, anyway). it doesn't bother me if they think i'm a bit odd or boring or safe. i figure if they don't like who i am now, they're not going to take the time to grow to like me anyway, so why bother? i'm also not scared that i won't meet someone. if i don't, i'm fine with that.

what i am scared of is the next real relationship i actually have. how am i going to meet him? how will i know it's him? what happens if it's not everything i want it to be? do i adapt or do i leave? what happens if he's great, but our friendship isn't? for example, the Ex wasn't a very good boyfriend in the end. he would rather hang out with his friends and play video games and drink beer. but when it was just the two of us, at the time when it was really good between us, we would sit and laugh and say silly things. he wanted to spend time with me. he would bribe me with pizza so i would come over and watch Monday Night Football with him. and he didn't mind when i asked questions about what was going on. he liked teaching me about the sport he loved. and i turned him onto basketball and we started watching that together. we were so comfortable with each other. i'm scared i'll never find that level of comfort again.

dating isn't fun for me. it's a lot of work. but i don't mind putting in the effort and doing the hard work if i know that what it will yield will be a great friendship and an even better love relationship. but how will i know? will i ever stop looking? will i find someone that makes me want to stop looking? does it even matter to me anymore or am i just going through the motions because people think i should?

so many questions, so many possible answers.

pheremonal

my OB-Gyn has decided i need to try life off the Pill. i haven't been off the pill in over 10 years. it's a bit scary. but, if i could deal with the periods i was dealing with three years ago, i can deal with them off the Pill. i hope.

i confess that i've been thinking about going off the Pill for quite some time now, but not to help my periods. i read somewhere...somewhere...that being on the Pill (or any kind of hormone-affecting drug) affects ones pheremones. If my pheremones are off, that might (but only might) explain why i've had limited success in the love department in the past few years. as i get older, my hormones have shifted and changed, and who i was five years ago is most certainly not who i am today. maybe it was the drugs that were masking who i was. maybe that's why i seem invisible to some people - because my own pheromones are not really there.

i read a book called, "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer" and i must say i identified slightly with the title character. not in the sense that i need to murder in order to fulfill what i think is my destiny, but more that i seem invisible to the rest of the world. people still walk head-on into me on the street like i wasn't even there. it's a bit off-putting. i try very hard not to shoulder-check them as i walk by. hey, you walk into me, i'll walk into you.

perhaps being off the Pill will also help with my wonky moods and how i feel about my work. or maybe it will show me that it's not just the drugs that make me feel crazy.

there is so much i want to do - so many careers i want to try. i know i have to be patient and eventually, in this life or the next, i'll try them. it's hard to know which ones i actually want to be a part of, and which ones i just want to say i'm a part of, if you know what i mean.

i'm feeling like this post is all over the place, so i think i'll stop.

pressure

i think i'm too picky. and i think i'm too picky because i don't want to be in a relationship.

well, it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship - it's more that i don't want to have to work so hard at finding someone. what happened to the days when you could see someone in the lobby at work or at a pub and just smile and take it from there? okay, i guess i would help if i actually smiled at people but you know what i mean.

why is it necessary for me to be on not one, but two dating websites, and be completely unsuccessful at both, no matter how hard i try?

i sometimes think i'm bowing to the social pressure of being in a relationship. i'm 32 and i'm single and a portion of society thinks that's weird. i guess it's the whole Bridget Jones thing too - that all of my friends are going to get married and i get left off invitation lists because i'm not part of a couple. or, i get invited to the couple parties and have to sit at the head of the table because everyone else is paired off. and then people ask me weird questions about the single life and why i'm still single. shudder.

the thought that i might be single for the rest of my life doesn't scare me at all, but the thought of growing apart from my friends because they all have husbands, wives and children, does. it's already happening, although my close sets of friends will always be friends. i just don't see them anymore. because they're busy doing the couple-thing. and now the kid-thing.

so, i want a boyfriend so i can be part of the couple thing? so i don't get left behind? that doesn't sound like me and that's not someone i want to be either. i should want a partner because i want someone to spend time with and grow with, not because i want a built-in date for all holidays and weddings.

maybe that's why i'm having so much trouble connecting with people. i want it for the wrong reasons.

it's time to re-set the meter and start over again. oh, and smile.

self-help

i think i've figured out why i love formulaic, romantic comedies, and why i turn to them when i start to feel hopeless about the dating scene. i think they give me hope. as crazy as that sounds, rom-coms help me believe in love again - that love is possible and that love happens.

sure, FRCs are meant to be sugary and implausible, but for some reason, they re-vitalize my belief that there is someone out There for me. even the ones that make me cry give me that hope again.

i don't know if i ever told you the story, but on my way home from Punta Cana last year, the airline played, "P.S. I Love You". i was going to get a headset but decided that i really don't like Hilary Swank in general, so i didn't want to have to suffer through her ruining my favorite genre of movie.

when i got home, i kept hearing about how good the movie was so i finally broke down and rented it. i am, to this day, so glad i didn't watch it on the plane because i'm quite certain i would have been the laughing stock of the flight. i watched it again tonight and cried in almost every scene. can you imagine how nuts that would've been during a flight?

but it's renewed my faith. i shall continue on.