self-check

i'm fascinated by non-verbal communication and have been since i was in high school. i remember one summer i read every book that the local public library had on face reading and body language that was written for the general public (they had academic texts as well, but i was 15 at the time and it was beyond me. still is, to be honest). the TV show "Lie to Me" was a godsend. it brought all of what i learned into context.

i think it interests me so much because i feel like i already have an innate sense of feelings and emotions and learning the academic side of it just assists in honing that in-born skill.

i use what i know to take stock of how people are feeling in social situations. and of course, i use it to analyze potential love-interests to see whether or not they feel the same about me. if i were to go by non-verbals alone, i'd say Bertrand is really interested in me and Crush is not.

this week, i decided that i would study my books again, because i've now accumulated lots of books on body language over the past few years. this time, i would study one action each week and look for it in every person i saw. i think that would ensure that i understood what the action looked like and what it said.

as i was re-reading one of my books, it reminded me that, as with everything in life, you have to look at non-verbal cues in context with everything else. so, crossed-arms generally say that the person is closed off or unfriendly, but what happens if the air conditioning is blasting and they're in bare arms and no sweater?

of course, then it made me think that i should assess my own body language and see whether how i think i feel about both Bertrand and Crush is actually how i feel. i know that when i see and talk to Bertrand, which is rare, both of us are really open in our non-verbals. there's a lot of maintained eye contact and he always turns to face me. he keeps a close distance, standing in what's called the "intimate zone" (between 1 - 3 feet from the other person), instead of the "social zone", which is generally 3 - 5 feet from the other person. if we're sitting around the boardroom table at after work drinks, his feet and sometimes his entire body is pointed towards me, even though he may be speaking to someone else. and yet, we never talk at any other time. i don't make efforts to stop by his office to chat and he only chats with me when he needs something or is waiting to speak to someone near my desk and that person is busy and he wants to kill time.

in contrast, Crush chats with me all the time (although not nearly as much now that he's in a different office on the other side of the office), albeit about work, but he makes efforts. other people have remarked that he's always chatting with me and that he doesn't make many efforts to make convo with anyone else. yet his body language is so different. if we're around the boardroom table, he'll turn his head to talk to me, but his feet and body stay pointing straight ahead of him. if we're standing in a group, his feet are never pointed towards me. he does raise his eyebrows, and therefore widens his eyes, if he walks past me in the hallway (the eyes' way of taking in a sight they like) and he'll talk to me endlessly about work-things that most people would have spent five minutes on.

as for me, i think i hold back. i was chatting with Sands yesterday and could see Crush walking through the library in the reflection in the window. it looked like he changed his direction once he saw me (i assume, since he knew Sands would be sitting in her desk but wouldn't necessarily think i would be standing there too), and lumbered his way towards us. but then, he pointed his entire body towards Sands while telling both of us about his day at a mediation. he'd turn his head to tell me about it (and mostly me about it), but his feet and shoulders were pointed straight towards Sands. I turned my body fully towards him and saw a piece of lint on his shoulder. i was going to pick it off but decided not to as it was a little personal, but i think i should have. if i'm going to convey interest, i have to start touching him soon. otherwise, it will go no where.

which makes me think - is he holding back? i mean, if i'm holding back because i don't want to appear too over-eager, then maybe he is too. or maybe i'm not as interested as i think i am, or want to be.

people wonder why i'm still single. it's because it's far too complicated to be anything else, at least in my head. :)

although, there was this one time i was sitting in my chair at my desk and turned with my back to the shared printer. Crush came around my desk to get something he had printed and two seconds later, i turned to face him and noticed that when i was facing him full on (or his mid-section full-on), he sucked in is gut. i thought that was either coincidental, or really cute.