bored

my counsellor says i need to challenge my brain more. the mind games i like to play are no longer satisfying - they're frustrating me more than amusing me and i find myself getting upset and irritated more often than normal. i need more mental stimulation. and crossword puzzles just aren't doing it for me anymore.

smokin' mad

pun intended.

i went to the Lions game tonight - lots of fun and nothing rowdy happened at the game. i decide to ride the skytrain back a couple of stations so i can get a seat. when it returns to stadium, this kid walks on, cigarette in hand, and stands beside the seat in front of me. i figure he's going to put the cigarette out as the people pile in behind him, but he continues to puff at it while blowing smoke out the window. he's talking to his friend on his cell phone, telling him how wasted he is and how he's smoking on the skytrain. i decide not to say anything - he obviously thinks he's too cool for school and besides, it'll be over soon. it was...until he opens up his pack to light another one, this stranger beside him bums a smoke off him and his friend holds out his cigarette to get him to light it. seeing as everyone around me is just staring at them but not doing anything about it, i finally lose my patience and say, "excuse me but could you please not smoke in here?" he looks down at me with this drunken look and says, "sorry, i'll blow the smoke up through the window." i think the stranger who bummed the smoke was ashamed and threw his out the window. finally the guy two seats in front of me pipes up and says, "yeah, don't light up in here." the kid's friend pulls his cigarette back and decides to wait. meanwhile, i've pressed the silent emergency buzzer. and then, the kids ashes fly down at me and hit my bare shoulder. i yelled, "ow! fuck! your fucking ashes are landing on me!!!" he looks at me and says, "sorry about that", to which i respond, "yeah, i'm sure you are." we are approaching broadway station at this point and the guy beside me stands to get off and says to the kid, "your ashes are landing on her." the kid says, "yeah, no they're not." and i yell, "yes, they are!" he gets off, just as skytrain security comes on to say, "you guys aren't supposed to be smoking in here (thanks for your help). but the kid is off the train by now. his dopey, drunk friends laugh and say, "what a moron. he got off at the wrong stop. this isn't commercial." and i pipe up and say in the most demeaning voice i can muster, "no, he's right. commercial is just on the other side of this station." (i resisted the urge to call him a dumbass). they panic and jump off. i turn to the guy behind me, who is with is young son, and say, "sorry for the bad language!" and he says, "no, it's okay! they're not supposed to be smoking on here."

truth be told, i kind of wish they had been a little more rude. when they left, i was still seething and was only getting sympathetic looks from the people that didn't bother to say anything. the anger that was still bubbling up inside me is still there...it's like feeling like you're going to sneeze but losing it at the last minute. it sucks. i wanted to unleash the Dragon!

then again, i probably would have done something stupid to get myself in trouble. better to have left it up to the good ol' reliable skytrain police. oh wait, they were no where to be found.

it's not easy being green.

gesundheit!

i bless people, even people i don't know, when they sneeze. it's just something i do. i always wonder, then, why i never get blessed. people at work don't do it. my friends don't do it. my family doesn't do it. is it not something that's done anymore?

perhaps it's because of the religious connotation of "bless you" that people don't say it anymore. but they can still say "gesundheit", or any variation of same, when i, or anyone else, sneezes. i've taken to blessing myself instead. can't wait around for someone to do it for me, now can i?

i spent the day at the pool today. i got to Kits at about 10:30 and at about 10:35, my OC phones me. he had just left the pool about half an hour before. back story - he sent me a message on facebook suggesting that it had been a long time since we'd talked and why don't we grab a coffee? it turned into a lot of back and forth about what to do and when to go and we had basically decided to meet at the pool today and hang out. not long after this, he remembers a lunch date he had today and bowed out of the actual pool excursion, but there was an understanding that we would meet up afterwards. and we did. he didn't come into the pool area because he didn't want to pay again but he stood outside the fence and we chatted for 10 or 15 minutes. then he said that if i wanted to continue sunning/drying off, he was going to go grab a coffee and then sit up in the stands on the other side of where we were and read his book until 4pm, at which time he was going to go home if i wasn't ready to leave the comfort of my poolside chair. this was about 2:50. i said okay. i watched him read his book for a good 30 minutes before i finally realized that what he was actually doing was he was waiting for me. so i packed up, got dressed and met back up with him.

we sat in the stands for a good 30 minutes just talking and then he suggested we grab a drink or food because he had a physio appointment at 5:30 but he wanted to go home beforehand so he had to leave by 5. we ended up going for food and chatted away until 5:15, at which time he walked me back to my car and we parted ways.

all in all, a very pleasant day. aside from my sunburn. dang, the sun is not what it used to be.

Telus - our future is bleak

MOTHER FUCKERS! i hate fucking Telus so fucking much. i'm annoyed at their confusing, convoluted monthly statement that i get sent via e-mail. under "Additional Charges and Credits", they have the $400+ credit they owe me and my long distance and under the total, it reads "New Charges" (not New Charges and Credits), so it looks like i owe them another $500, which is not right. no, the bill itself is correct but the way they lay it out is stupid. the fact that they have a section of the website entitled, "How to read your e-bill" is a dead giveaway that how they lay it out is fucking ridiculous. how hard is it to lay out everything in three sections: new charges (internet, phone), credits and amount owing?????? when I cancelled the e-billing option, they asked for feedback as to how Telus could change their e-bill so that I would sign up for it again. i basically told them to make it less confusing, that there are less complicated ways to lay out a monthly statement but that they obviously opted to go for the most complicated. then, i offered to create a new template for their statements because theirs was SO SUPREMELY FUCKED UP.

then, as if i weren't annoyed enough, i looked at my long distance charges and noticed that i am no longer on the plan i was on (basically, i could call anywhere in the world for a low rate - not the lowest rate but it was decent and i had unlimited talk time). i've been switched over to this north american plan that limits my rate to 200 minutes. now, i don't spend a lot of time on long distance calls but the three people i do call that are long distance, if i were to call them all in one month, would most certainly surpass 200, even just for one of them. it just annoys me that they've changed me over (or maybe i changed myself over by agreeing to that Telus TV fiasco) and not sent me anything in writing that my plan had changed. SONS OF BITCHES, MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKERS.

and i still don't have the cheque they owe me for the $424 they charged me for that STUPID TELUS TV unit. i've had it. the one guy that helped me (nay, the Telus TV department) will get my praise in the letter I WILL write to the CEO, but the rest of the people i dealt with are getting no praise. neither is the company, for that matter.

i believe a call or e-mail to "Olsen on Your Side" is warranted now too. watch out you fuckers. you've made the wrong person angry.

baby did a bad, bad thing

okay, so i peeked. we're doing a huge computer system overhaul at work and when i left yesterday, i had to turn off the Ninja's computer because all computers had to be off for macro updates and what not. and i peeked. and i found out that it's not Mon, but it is someone. someone i haven't met but i've heard about. someone i actually had suspicions about but thought, "no, she's, like, 23!" and i was right. so when i searched the system to read over the reference letter he wrote for her (that i typed) and her draft cover letters and CVs, i came across a document that was probably marked "confidential" before the conversion but is now available to the whole system - a list of everyone's computer passwords. and what's his password? her first name. how sophomoric can you get???

OY! what is he doing??? what is he thinking??? she's young enough to be his daughter. i think what bothers me most is that he's continuing to cheat on his wife. it's not that Sam was the love of his life and that he had to be with her - i mean, maybe she is but i now very much doubt it. i've actually lost some respect for him - a lot of respect. i think i idealized him when Sam told me of their relationship and now i know that he's just in it for the tail. Twenty-three?

the worst part is that the knowledge of this, that it's this 23 year old masters student in ontario is doing my boss, has lifted the great weight off my mind. when i read it, i wanted to run into Mon's office and hug her. maybe he's sleeping with her too but i don't think so. i think she's as in the dark about it as i was. let's face it - this chick is on her facebook! he introduced them. my suspicions began when Mon said about her, "the Ninja's trying to convince her to stay a couple more days." wha?

when i e-mailed Io about the whistler weekend, she chastized me about three single girls hanging out with a group of married men in their 40s by saying, "the Ninja's a great guy but he's married! you're not going to get very far with him!" i wanted to write back, "that is where you're wrong."

i also just found out that his car got broken into in february and, among other things that were stolen? his wedding band. oy.

i hope his kids turn out normal because that's who he's really cheating on.

if i'm so hot, why am i still single?

many months ago, i read an article in the paper about a guy (maybe a local guy, maybe not) who set up a website called "HotEnough.org". his premise for setting up the site was that hot people should be with other hot people and that other online dating sites didn't offer hot enough people for the hot-elite. he says he set up the site slightly tongue-in-cheek but at the same time, if it took off, so be it. being curious, i went online to check it out. what a process. you had to post pictures (including full-body [clothed] shots so they can see what body type you are) and the existing members vote on whether or not you are hot enough to be a member on the site. i used one of my web-based e-mail address to submit my profile and submitted my pictures. I then promptly forgot all about it. this was months ago.

a couple of weeks ago, i decided to check this particular webmail address after not having checked it in a few weeks. lo and behold, there was an e-mail from HotEnough.org - i had been deemed hot enough by the voting members and was now a part of the site. i laughed and laughed. i'm only a 7 to them - the low-end of hot - but i was still "HotEnough". hahaha!

i did do a search to see what kind of guys are on there and yes, they are all hot. every single one of them. hot. H.O.T. but i haven't tried to contact anyone. come on.

went to Whistler after work on friday with Mon and A to celebrate my birthday. it was actually fun - i wasn't sure how it was going to be. then again, we did meet up with the Ninja and his golfing buddies so that was fun, particularly since they paid for our dinners at the Brew House. i still have my suspicions about Mon and the Ninja, but when i'm thinking rationally, i know it's not really on his part. i'm 65% sure of that :) i love Whistler in the summer - is so beautiful up there and the atmosphere is just so chill. although the temperature was also very chill - there was a brief snow shower in the village yesterday morning when Mon took the dogs out for a walk. isn't it summer yet? we're planning on doing another girls trip up (but Mon invited the Ninja, of course).

i think their relationship bothers me because, ironically, i feel like he's cheating on Sam, even though they're not together anymore and, let's face it, he's still married on paper. i always thought so much more of him and even when i found out he and Sam had been in a relationship for five years (!), the only thing that made me think ill about him was that he strung her along for five years, claiming his children were the ones that were holding him back. really, he spends half his week sleeping in a rented hotel room in vancouver. i know how important his kids are to him and how much he loves them. but doesn't it hurt them more when he's only around every so often? i don't know. some people have weird notions of what is hurtful and what wouldn't be. i think he's delusional, really. i don't think he and Sam will every get back together and it bothers me because they should be together. he shouldn't be getting drunk with Mon every monday night after work and then feeling guilty about it on tuesday (Mon's words, not mine). i actually asked her, "what do you guys do together that you would feel guilty?" she told me that their intention is just to go and have dinner and then go for a drink (one drink) at Cardero's but they always end up getting smashed and then stumbling home (to her home? don't know but she does live two blocks from Cardero's and his hotel is closer to PacCentre. i wonder). anyway, when i really think about it, do i really want Sam to be with him? is he going to change for her? maybe. but if he's just going to be this way, then i want him to stay away from Sam and that's that.

okay, time for this birthday girl to clean - what a mess i left before i went to work on friday!

quickie

i have to type quick, before my computer decides to randomly shut off.

nothing new. thinking about having a cake party this saturday but it's getting kind of late to invite people. have finally gone back to the gym. man, am i out of shape. have booked a b&b for my august holidays. i hope it doesn't suck. this particular one is on acreage so suits people that have horses and want to ride trails. but, it's cheaper than the other ones i looked into and let's face it - it's available for all four of the days i wanted which coincidentally falls over the ironman/peachfest/august long weekend. that's a freaking miracle.

nothing new on the guy front but that's not new. although i still can't understand why people won't accept that i'm happily single. the married ladies at my work are either giving me ideas on how to meet guys or chastising me for being too "picky". as i told the last one that said that to me (which shut her up rather quickly), "i'm allowed to be picky if i'm not looking."

birthday this week. sigh. it's really starting to sink in that i'm not going to be young forever. and it's a weird feeling.

i need to start saving again. again, not new. i think it might be more efficient to just start recycling entries and just change the date. :)

harping on about oprah

admittedly, i do tape the oprah show every day, mostly so i don't miss out on any celebrity interviews or favorite show episodes. but i find her hard to watch.

don't get me wrong - i realize that her influence on mainstream culture is undeniable. who can be down on her for encouraging millions of people to read books that don't have fabio-esque men on the cover? or her establishing a school for girls in south africa and giving them a chance at success? she's an icon.

but she can't interview. and she's so self-centered, it's not even amusing anymore. i was just watching today's episode. her first guest was hill harper, an actor, who was on the show to talk about his book about mentoring young black men who don't have role-models of their own. he graduated magna cum laude from Brown University and then went on to receive his Masters in Law from Harvard - pretty academically accomplished, i'd say. he began to tell oprah about how he couldn't understand why celebrity role-models wouldn't acknowledge their educational backgrounds. he gave puff daddy/p. diddy/sean combs as an example and wondered out loud why puffy never talked about his degree from Howard University (probably why he's such a good businessman, assuming his degree was in business!). Instead of piping up about puffy's education (which I had no idea about!), oprah says, "Howard University - that's where i just received my doctorate from last week!" yawn. i turned it off after he was done talking.

she should go back to doing solely puff pieces because anyone who goes on her show to talk about anything of substance should expect to have their fifteen minute bit contain 13 minutes of oprah just talking about herself. i'd be insulted.

i may just be pissy because i had another incident with the Mentor. i had drafted something for the Ninja and he came out to give it back to me and said, "okay, if this is the language in the template, then we'll go with this." i said, "well, we didn't actually have a precedent on the system so i just did a search in the system and only found one example." the Mentor happened to be standing right there at the printer so she leans over and reads it, makes a face and says, "pthbbbt! yuck! i don't like that wording at all. it's no good. you obviously didn't look at any of my examples." as she walks towards her office to find me some "good" wording, i said to her, "well, i guess it wasn't named properly because i didn't find it and i searched extensively." the Ninja said that if she had an example ... he left it at that. i walked away to vent. i was livid. and i can hear her shrieking from her office, "ok, i found it! are you ready to take this down???" i didn't answer. she comes out of her office, sees me hanging out of someone's office (this is after hours - i was not on the clock) and turns to the Ninja and shrieks, "well, typically ungrateful! asks me for help and then takes off!" do you know how hard it was for me not to turn my head towards her and tell her to FUCK OFF?

i walked to reception to bitch and she followed me. annoyed, she said, "well, do you want to ask me about it tomorrow then?" i figured i would just bite it and listen. she dictated over my shoulder and that was it. the Mentor then left for the day and i marched right into my administrator's office, tearing out my hair. she took one look at me and said, "close the door. what did she do now?"

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. why can't the Mentor leave the firm or at least, just leave me alone???

i can't get no

perhaps it's just hormones, but i honestly don't think i'll be satisfied with my professional life until i get a post-graduate degree. my only problem is that i don't know what to get it in.

i did my undergrad degree in english, but that was a fluke. at the start of my third year, when they sent around the letter saying that i had to declare a major, i took one look at my transcript to date, saw that i had taken a number of english classes already, and declared myself an english major. not exactly passion.

i have a great interest in psychology and sociology but where is a masters in sociology going to get me?

i've been researching MBAs and it seems to be a good choice if i want to continue in the business aspect of law or take over the paralegal program, like i've always threatened. but it's a bit dry.

i thought about doing a masters in journalism, like the Howler, but i'm not interested in being a journalist full-time.

that leaves me with the one thing i actually am passionate about - law. and the next logical step is law school. and it's the one step i really don't want to take, but i'm not quite sure why.

more soul-searching is required to determine what my motivation is in obtaining a post-graduate degree. is it like my desire to have a dog? i talk about it and dream about it all the time but it's something i won't ever do because i don't want it enough to take on the responsibility? sounds like me.

i'm hooped.

oh, my stomach!

i don't know why i try to drink. i know what happens, within hours, and yet sometimes, i still think things will be different. it wasn't.

i went to the devil's advocate social last night. it was fun. i went to KD's place first where she made me a mini-martini (since i don't drink) and we marvelled at the new colours of her place since she and her ex broke up. they're much nicer colors and the place looks way less cluttered. but i guess 650 square feet is pretty small for two people to not clutter it up a bit. anyway... we took a cab to the art gallery and began our evening. first person i saw was MGF (he didn't see me) and i saw him holding a girl's hand - he had brought his girlfriend. hmm. at that point, i almost didn't want to say hi to him, just so i could avoid meeting her. i still don't know why.

once we got settled in, KD began bumping into people she knew and we would stop and chat. i texted A and Mon and they were still at Mon's getting ready. so much for 7pm start time - it was just after 8. they didn't end up getting there until 9:30. and i thought i was bad.

i did end up bumping into MGF and he gave me a half-assed hug (he's the only one i'll allow to do that) and introduced me to his girlfriend. it was almost like being in a movie or a TV show. he hugged me, and as we parted she started to slowly walk towards me. she was looking up at me with up-cast eyes (i was almost 5'11 in my heels - my $15.00 nine west wonders!) and held out her hand. i couldn't believe what i saw. i could hear MGF saying to me, "this is..." almost simultaneously with her saying to me, "didn't we go to high school together?" MGF is dating a girl i went to high school with. i was shocked.

i was shocked on a number of levels. first, i thought he was dating a chinese girl so you'll imagine my surprise when this little jamaican girl, with her naturally grey eyes, holds out her hand to me. second, we went to high school together! third, i've seen this girl's semi-nude modelling pictures...i've commented to him on her rock of an ass. and now i find out we went to high school together. it's almost incestuous. i shudder. shudder! finally, he and i have discussed in detail their sex life. and here is this girl that i went to high school with. ugh!

then, when KD and her friend come up to us, i begin to introduce her to MGF, only to find out that MGF and KD went to first year law school together. he teased her about her following him to his dorm room one night. she said something else about something to do with sex. at this point, i'm so over-stimulated with this less than six-degree news that i'm not even really hearing what they're saying. but what i'm not hearing is bothering me too.

it was weird. i avoided spending any time with MGF and his girlfriend afterwards, until he caught me limping along later on in the night (despite the fact that my shoes are hot, they are hell to stand in for too long), he waved me over with this look of concern and offered me his seat. then, we started to chat. he and i joked around as we always do and i tried hard to include his girlfriend in conversation. she's either really shy or just young because she didn't talk much. they ended up leaving a few minutes after that because her knee was hurting (she fell last week when they were rollerblading). he gave me another hug, tighter this time, told me to call him and i went on my way. weird. i'll now have to ask him about KD. i don't want to know if they ever slept together because if they did, that's it for me and him as a future backup couple.

i met one guy that i thought was cuuuuute and he stood in our circle at one point but then walked off. too bad. i smiled and waved at him as he walked away. i tried.

by about 11:30, i was getting really sick to my stomach. i already had the migraine and the alcohol was sitting right at the bottom of my stomach, really wanting to come back up. i complained to A that i wanted to go home. she took off at about midnight and i was jealous. i managed to drag KD and her friend out of there by the time the house lights came up at just after 1 am. i was in no shape to do anything, let alone drive home, but i did. we stopped for pizza on granville (none for me, thanks) and i finally got into my car at about 1:30. i was not intoxicated but i was in no shape to drive home. i was ill, i had a headache, i was tired. but i wasn't going to suffer on KD's couch. if i was going to suffer, it would be in my own bed!

i managed to get myself home safely. as i walked in the door, i contemplated whether i should just make myself puke or whether i should just sleep it off. i chose the latter. i hate throwing up!

as usual, i woke up just fine this morning - tired, but not at all sick. i'm never drinking again, at least not hard liquor. a beer, maybe, but that's it.

oh, yeah!

the Easter long weekend, my brother and mother and i went down to the states for a shopping weekend. at the nine west outlet, i found two pairs of shoes that i wanted...soooo badly. they were $60 each (pretty good for nine west) but they weren't really the type of shoes i wear (one was an evening-type shoe - peep-toe and a 3 1/2 inch heel in black satin - sexy! and the other was also 3 1/2 black satin espadrille, peep-toe - also very sexy!). my mom talked me out of both. i haven't been able to get them off my mind since.

so, on sunday, i hopped in my car and drove to the outlets in washington (burlington and tulalip) to buy my shoes. risky, because it was a month ago and it's an outlet store! it was meant to be because at mount vernon, i found the espadrilles, now on sale for $39.99. sweeeeet. i bought them. then, i drove another hour to the tulalip outlets (newer and way better stores) and found the other shoe on the clearance rack for $29.99. i bought them. the bad news? they're a size too big (9 1/2). the good news? nine west was having a buy one, get one 50% off so the second pair, i paid $15.00 for. instead of buying $120 worth of shoes a month ago, i bought them both for $45.00. come on!

so, i figured that if i couldn't make the ones that were too big fit, i could always give them away or really, they were only $15.00! i went on a hunt today to find heel grips and foot pad thingys. i installed them in the shoes and OMG, they fit! now, i just have to buy the things that go on the bottom so i don't slip and break my legs on those heels. holy F! i'm so wearing these shoes on friday night!

that's it. it's just about the shoes today.

under pressure

i feel compelled to write because my last entry was about reconnecting with MM. he conveniently forgot to call/email me last week about getting together for coffee and methinks he will forget again or be too busy to call/email this week too. and we all know why: he's scared. he's just started a relationship with someone new and then i come from out of the blue - ever the temptress, luring him once again to betray sacred trysts...er, trusts. he obviously doesn't trust himself around me and so he's avoiding the temptation all together. at least, that's what i like to think he's doing, anyway. he's probably just being a jerk :)

going to a spring social this friday called "devil's advocate". it's being put on by the VBA so a bunch of lawyers i know are going (including MGF and KD). i know A and Mon are going and i understand that the OC may come if BabyMan goes. i hope it's fun. it's supposed to be a social for lawyers and their in-the-business guests but who knows? anyway, it's at the art gallery so at least i'll be able to see the new exhibit and see MGF to boot. he's always very inclusive - i get the feeling that A and Mon will be very sticktogether but KD will be there too and she won't abandon me!

speaking of my OC, he and Shorty came out to Cardero's last thursday to watch the Nucks get spanked in OT and tank their series (perennial losers). it was me, A and Mon, A's friend and Mon's two guy friends (one very cute and shy - the one they were talking about setting me up with... but he wasn't interested at all. think about that night when i just wanted to say hi to that guy at the 'Fly and that's about how interested he was. Yeah.). anyway, the OC was very cute. managed to avoid talking directly with me, although he gave me a couple of Hi-5s (who does that?) and got a little pissy when Shorty booted him from his spot on the couch beside me so he could sit with me. i think Shorty's interested in me. i don't know how i feel about that. i won't bother getting into it because it's pure speculation (and i don't ever do that, right?).

i'm feeling very lazy this evening and i was contemplating not going to my aerobics class tonight - we are doing hip hop so i won't be missing much. but, i am a lazy slug so i need to get out and do something. besides, i had nachos and ice-cream for dinner, specifically because i knew i would be burning extra calories tonight. therefore, i must to go.

i am skipping out on a special, money-grabbing strata meeting tonight. i figure i don't really care if they pass all five resolutions. only one is a biggie at $550.00 and the rest are under $150. i know, they add up but i can't imagine every resolution will be passed. the owners here are too cheap (remember, they wouldn't even pass the resolution for security upgrades!). ownership is not what it's cracked up to be.

i have holidays coming up in two weeks! very excited. i wanted to do an all-inclusive - nay, i was going to do an all-inclusive (even by myself) but i realized that, because of my "condition", it wasn't a good week to go. i would have no fun. so, then i realized i had holidays in the first week of july but that's not a good time to go to tropical countries. so now, i'm trying to decide what to do. my may holidays, i figure i'll just do the tourist-in-my-own-town thing and see stuff that i haven't been to see in years (like the aquarium!). maybe go down to the states for a few days and shop or relax. i hope it's nice that week. then i can stay in town and frequent different beaches around the mainland, read books and then come home and sleep in my own bed. tres cheap! then maybe i can finally pay off my credit card and buy a new computer. i haven't been able to mess around with myPod playlists in months!

A bientot (i wish i had the french letters so i could spell these french words with the proper accents!)

can't win for losing

so i'm back in touch with MMM. except, he's only MM now. thank you, facebook! initially, when he e-mailed a response to me, his stats listed him as "single" and he was looking for just about anything. two days later, he listed himself as "in a relationship" and only looking for friendship.

i can't say i wasn't disappointed. let's face it - i've thought about him, on and off, for the better part of 10 years. now, i've been seemingly given a second chance but it's quickly snatched from me. oh well.

people are popping up and adding me on facebook that i never thought i'd hear from. still no really good surprises (aside from MM) but it's fun.

feeling a bit under the weather today but will go to my aerobics class tonight - it's disco fever! i think this is the best way for me to exercise - every week, we do a different dance so every week, i am kept wondering about what the new moves are going to be. keep it fresh, you know?

i went to a fundraising dinner on friday night for HOPE International. i participated in the silent auction (although half of the items were made in the Philippines and all i could think was, "i could probably buy that for $10) and i watched the video that was designed to tug at your heartstrings and pocketbooks. by the end, i had rekindled my desire to adopt from overseas, probably from the Philippines. my only concern would be that, if i were to adopt a child from the Philippines, would i end up turning them into a "coconut" like me (you know, brown on the outside, white on the inside)? i suppose my parents and the rest of the family could assist in keeping the kid's language skills in tact (i would single-handedly destroy that!). i would have to move to a bigger place. but beyond that, i think it is definitely back in my mind as the thing to do when i'm 35. four short years away. maybe 40. :)

second verse, same as the first

i think i may have used that title before. then again, it fits with the theme of this post.

i might as well copy the previous posts i've made about MGF. i had coffee with him today. we met at the mall. he had a protein shake and i had a mango slushie. we sat and talked at the food fair. then we walked to winners and browsed. he gave me advice about shoes guys like. i can tell you now that we don't have the same taste in shoes. then we wandered around the bay and sears. we sat on a bench in the middle of the mall and then he finally admitted his tiredness and we parted ways. he offered me a ride to the skytrain (we were in the mall, within walking distance of a station) and i took a raincheck. he hugged me once. gave me shit about not getting together more often. then he hugged me again. i think he just wanted to feel me up. kidding.

anyway, i've been sort of dreamy ever since. i wonder if i actually believe we won't ever get together. we get along really well. i enjoy spending time with him. yet, i know that if we were to get together... i can't even finish that thought. i just don't think we're compatible in That way. goodness knows we've talked about it enough, generally speaking.

i like what we have - i'd just like to have it more often. he's leaving that up to me. typical.

to thine own self...

at nearly 31 years old (two months today!), i find myself, once again, asking myself the question, "who are you?"

i finally gave in and joined the newest rage in friendship communities online. i had two invitations to join so now i have two friends. i sent out some invitations (five) so i might have a total of seven friends by the end of the week. i decided to see who else was on that i knew might be. i searched some people by the school tool. first, my highschool. only four people came up from my graduating class (one of them, an ex-boyfriend) but they were all "friends". everyone had at least 50 friends.

i then searched individual people whom i knew would be into this sort of thing. sure enough, there they were. one had 115 friends; another had 91.

as i logged off the site after a few minutes of poking around, i thought to myself that there was no way i'd ever have that many people as my "friends" on the site because: a) i don't know that many people who i would be "friends" enough with to ask to be on there; and b) of my friends who i do like enough to be on there, majority of them don't use these kinds of online communities.

this whole 20 minute experience got me thinking about what kind of person i am and am i happy that way?

on the one hand, i'd love to have pages and pages of friends' faces and profiles to scroll through and in turn, being able to see their friends and connections.

on the other hand, i find it tiring just thinking about having to keep up with all of the connections - i know and am chummy with a lot of people but only a handful of them would i spend any time with. and why would it matter to me if i had 10 friends or if i had 100 friends on this site? i don't spend a lot of time with upkeep on these type of sites anyway. it would just be for everyone else to see that i have lots of connections. i know what kind of connections i have; does it matter to everyone else?

and so, once again i'm faced with questioning who i am - really. am i the social loner who will only come out to play and have fun with people i've deemed true friends? or, am i the shy, wannabe-socialite who desperately wants to have a busy life but can't come out of her shell?

i know the answer and 99% of the time, i'm happy and very comfortable with who i am. but every once in awhile, about 1% of the time, i wish i was "out there", experiencing life in a way that, 99% of the time, makes me feel trapped and tired.

the 1% days are very hard to deal with sometimes. and objectively speaking, the people that cause me to second-guess my nature are generally people that i don't have any desire to be friends with anyway. but often, they are the "fun" people who everybody likes because they are fun. one girl i work with (and don't get me wrong - i like her and she's a "fun" girl) said to me one evening out (the night we all went to the casino), "you don't drink; you don't smoke; you don't gamble. what do you do? do you fuck at least? geez!" she laughed in good fun but i must say the comment hurt a bit. apparently, vices make you fun. that's probably why i don't hang out with her and A when they invite me - they're not enough like me. there aren't enough similar substances among us.

that being said, i definitely had a 1% weekend last saturday. i haven't stayed out until 5 in the morning since Walang Hiya - Mazatlan. hmm... 99 more weekends to go until the next one, i guess. :)

i found my banana bread

a few days ago, i had a loaf of banana bread. i sliced the remaining part of the loaf into two pieces and wrapped them individually in cellophane. i packed one with my lunch and put the other one in the fridge to have the next day. i remember it was an end piece - i love the end piece.

the next day, i was packing my lunch and went into the fridge to pack the other piece of banana bread. it was gone. i looked behind and on top of everything in the fridge (and trust me, there ain't much to look behind). i looked behind and on top of all the condiments. i looked in the freezer. on top of the counter. in the cupboards. in the garbage. in my recycling. in my computer room. in the drawers. it was gone. no where to be found. a day or so later, i looked again. nothing. not two minutes ago, i looked in my fridge to see what there was to have for dinner. and there was my end-piece of banana bread, wrapped in cellophane. WTF. this either means things are getting better or i'm going crazy. at this point, it could go either way.

i'm in a foul mood today. foul. f-o-u-l. with a capital "F". i hate these kind of days. everything pissed me off today. it got so bad that my receptionist actually went to my administrator and told her about the Mentor's game playing activities and said, "if you don't do something about it, you're going to lose an employee." no wonder she was especially nice to me this afternoon. i even got a little snippy with her, which i feel bad about, but it was not a good day. when i got home, the neighbour's dog barked at me from behind their door. i yelled at it to shut the fuck up. it's THAT bad.

i'm very glad i'm home and alone right now. maybe i should watch the game. at least i can yell at the TV and not worry about hurting it's feelings. i wish i had ice-cream.

tired but unusually happy

it's a beautiful spring Sunday. the birds are singing. the air is cool but the sun is warm. children are playing outside as their parents chat nearby. all is right with the world. despite a fairly busy weekend, i'm so cheerful today. full of cheer. cheer-infused.

i had a family get together at my uncle's house on friday night. i got home from work and freshened up and then i went to pick up my brother and the Mother and off we went. i didn't get home until 3 and not to bed until nearly 3:30. i had been awake and on the go for about 22 hours. not a typical friday for me.

saturday, i finally dragged myself out of bed at 9:30. had breakfast, watched a bit of a movie, thought hard about cleaning up and doing laundry but continued to watch TV instead. at about 3pm, i phoned my visiting friend to make our plans for the evening. we were going to see the Howler's band play at the Pic that evening but his band was going on last. we decided i would pick her up around 10pm and head down. i then went back to bed and slept for three hours. i woke up at 6:30 and decided it was time to clear out my recycling for the week so i did and my place is now clutter-free until next weekend. to reward myself, i ordered in some chinese food. shortly after i hung up with Fortune Palace, the Howler phones me and asks what i'm doing and do i want to meet up before the show and grab some food? i regretfully inform him that i've already ordered dinner and that Doc Tardy had family commitments. i think he was disappointed but that's what you get when you phone me at 7pm to make plans.

i picked up Doc Tardy and we set off to the Pic. after initially stopping in the wrong area of town, we found the place and went in. the Howler was already there with his band - turns out his bass player is smokin' hot! i recall seeing him at the last show but never up close. from where i was sitting, he looked cute but kind of skinny and young. the Howler was chatting with him and i looked at Doc Tardy and mouthed, "HOLY F!" she gave me the same look. he had dark hair, dark eyes, very cute smile, even cuter english accent and let's just say, i hated to see him go but i loved to watch him walk away. oy, the tush!

anyway, i chatted with the bass player's friend for a spell as we marvelled at the first couple of bands that were playing. marvelled, but not in a good way. we were sitting away from the Howler and his bandmates so we all joined them at the bar where we stayed until their band went on. i was having a really good time. the Howler has very nice friends, generally, so i don't really worry about attitudes and the like.

here's where my confession comes in. i invited my OC to meet us. the last time we all had lunch, he kept saying how he was trying to make an effort to get out more and stop sitting in his living room so i invited him to come along to the show. he had expressed interest in going to the previous one but never showed up. i didn't expect him to come to this one either but i asked anyway.

so Doc and i are standing there and she says, "is he coming? did you phone him?" there was discussion as to whether i should and i finally decided that it was 10:30 on a saturday night - why not? as i walked to the entrance of the pub where it was quieter to make the call, there he was at the door, paying his cover fee. i couldn't believe it.

he had brought his friend and most current futon-surfer, Shorty, and the evening at its elevated state, began. it was surreal. not in the sense that i was floating on cloud 9 because i spent my saturday evening with my OC but in the sense that i was actually out on a saturday night, with a big group of people, watching live indy bands in a pub downtown. after that pub closed, we all walked to another pub in a not so great area (where the band played their last gig). we walked in and there was a punk band on stage and lots of people in studded-leather everything, ripped nylons, bullet-belts, and varying-colored mohawks, all watching said punk band. the Howler's guitar player leaned over to me as we sat down and said, "this is their normal crowd, just in case you were wondering!"

this is where i chatted up the Hot Bass Player (he was apologetic about his accent when i asked where he was from. he said, "oh, i'm from london but i've been here now for about eight or nine years but i still have this accent..." to which i replied, "no, i'm not complaining - keep talking!"). this is where i watched the last punk band leave the stage and the dj started playing music that's in my iPod and all of the punk people came alive and started to dance and gyrate wildly to the likes of "smooth criminal", "hurts so good" and "bust a move". this is where i sat there while the OC phoned A at 2 am and left a message on her voicemail saying he was here at the pub with me and to phone us back and let us know what she's up to. this is where i stood and talked to the OC's friend and listened to him tell me to continue asking the OC out because he actually wanted to get out of the house - he was just too lazy. surreal.

when the bar closed at 3, most of our group left us, leaving me and Doc with the OC and Shorty. they walked us back to the car (or rather, Shorty did. the OC disappeared and when i phoned him, he was standing in front of the parking garage i was in. weird.) and i drove them home. the OC invited us up for drinks. i told him that i'd like to but Doc needed to get home and pack. we stood in the middle of 4th avenue for a good 15 minutes talking and joking. Shorty left us there and went upstairs. the OC managed to tear himself away after taking a long time to enter my phone number into his cell phone (even Doc said, "he was totally stalling!"). we said goodbye, and Doc and I got in the car and the OC watched us drive off. I got home after dropping off Doc and was in bed by 5am, probably asleep by 5:15. it was a great, fabulous night. and judging by the amount of time i've spent humming tunes all day, i think this mood will carry over to at least monday morning.

it's a good thing.

30 going on 70

i forgot to mention that when i was at the specialist the other week, she gave me the results of the bloodwork i had done when i went to see her last month and apparently, i'm slightly anemic. now, i don't know what "slightly" is or how it affects me physically but, at the very least, it explains why i've been so tired and slothy the past few months. it wasn't just psychosomatic; it was real! i wonder if it is also the reason why i've been so thirsty lately. some days, i drink a litre of water before i even leave for work. then, i have two litres when i'm at work. then, i come home and drink at least another half a litre. it's insane some days. and since we're at it, my lower back aches when the weather gets cold and rainy and i get dizzy really easily if i stand up too quickly.

has it really come to this? am i really talking about all my maladies? i'm tired. i'm going to bed. but first, a drink of water. i'm parched.

escort

no, i don't have a new side job. although, there's a thought....

i attended at the Westclass bar dinner tonight with the gang from work. it was in my neighbourhood and the evening was just beautiful out so i was going to walk home. Sam was not hearing of it so she asks The Fluff if he would walk me home. i protested but he said he wouldn't let me walk home in our neighbourhood by myself. when the Ninja got word that The Fluff was walking me home, he said, "See you tomorrow...maybe." The Fluff responded, "i wasn't going to let her walk home alone. besides, this makes my stalking her a lot easier..." not that he is but i thought that was kind of amusing of him to say.

it was a very nice walk and, admittedly, we took the long way :) he popped in some gum at one point and i thought, "hmm, trying for the good-night kiss, are we?" no such luck! we joked around for most of the 10 minutes it took us but he walked me right to my front door, encouraged me to come to more meetings and shook my hand good night (bad handshake but my hand was numb from the cold so it's ok).

ah, a beautiful, cool, crisp spring evening and a walk with a really nice and cute guy. i think this was one of my nicest evenings spent this year.

strange things are afoot

is it the onset of spring or are weird things just happening to me lately?

first, i see my Ex after six years of not even bumping into him.

this morning, i get to work and remember that i had a voicemail that i didn't bother checking before i left the night before. i check it and it's my OC. i hadn't e-mailed or talked to him in awhile but the day before, me and this other woman (another "fan" of his) were reminiscing about him at lunch. and then, he phones me (which he never does), just to say hi (which he never does), lets me know he's going out of town for the week but will talk to me when he gets back (which he won't but it's nice to know he was thinking about me). you totally want me now, don't you? oh yeah. sooner or later, they always come back. sigh, don't i wish?

this afternoon, i was at Sears trying on sunglasses. as i'm walking down the street towards the skytrain station, about three blocks down, i notice that i've lost one of my new earrings (the gold ones, the ones that my mom bought me for Christmas - the only earrings of any value i own, the ones that were always coming out and have almost lost on a number of occasions). it was a beautiful, sunny day so i turned around and retraced my steps. i eventually found myself back in the sunglasses aisle at Sears, where i found my other earring on the floor. i immediately bought backers for them.

this evening, i'm sitting on the couch, transferring the contents of my old wallet to the new one i just bought this afternoon. i then think, "where's the best place to put my bus pass?" this is my employee pass, the year-long pass that has my picture on it. the one that saves me $156 a year on transit fares. the one i'm fanatic about making sure i always have. well, i lost it. either on the bus on the way back downtown from the doctor. or on the skytrain platform. or on the walk home from the skytrain. it'll cost me $50 to replace. i'm still ahead in yearly transportation savings but still! what kind of moron am i???

i'm spent. it's been a very eventful day!

Top o' the morning to you!

[All respond] And the rest of the day to you!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! that's it - that's all i'm doing for St. Paddy's day. :)

i did the right thing last night. i had some time to sleep, think it over. i didn't have any dreams about him last night. i thought about the whole thing this morning and approaching him yesterday wouldn't have done anything for me. if anything, it would have brought me more angst. sometimes, you need to get other people's opinions to find out what you really want to do. everyone i asked said i should say hi but i kept asking for opinions, hoping that someone would say, "why? what would it do for you - who you are - today?"

i just finished watching the academy-award winning documentary, "Born into Brothels". when it came out in the theatres initially, i really wanted to see it but never ended up doing so. not surprising since i hardly ever go to movies unless someone has asked me to go. i'm kind of glad i didn't go to see it in the theatre. maybe it's just this time of the month but it made me tear up more than once. it was so good.

the kids in this film were given cameras and basically documented their lives through still photos. many of the pictures were quite good and a few were amazing, considering that they were taking pictures with automatic cameras (oh, and that the photographers were under 12 years old). there were auctions selling the pictures and books and calendars and all of the money went to funding each child's education. they now have a chance at a decent life.

i think i cried because you know that there are more than just these eight children in india that are living in these kinds of conditions. there are millions of children in the world that will never receive the kind of help that these kids did and you begin to feel quite helpless. a monetary donation here and there will help but it won't greatly change their standards of living. i think that's the great philosophical and moral question: if a person doesn't know what they are missing, do you still help them? where do you begin?

closure

so, i ended up going to the casino tonight. it was embarassing but mostly because our Receptionist screamed at winning at a two-cent machine (the thing kept dinging and tallying up her winnings but at two-cents, it ended up being about $94.00). these two guys (not my type), along with half the casino, were standing behind us watching the machine go. they asked each other, "how much is she going to win?" i turned to them and said, "she won $94.00." they laughed and said, "it sounds like she won the jackpot!" as they walked way, our Receptionist said, "hey, she's single!" oy.

we rendezvoused at the lounge after about 30 minutes of being there to determine what the plan was for the rest of the night. as we stood there, a guy walked by me. i thought to myself, "hey, that looks like the Layman, but with a faux-hawk." then another guy walked by me, who was talking to the first guy and i thought, "hey, that looks like the Ex but with a shaved head and kind of chubby." a second look yielded, "holy F, it is the Ex!" they went to go sit in the bistro to have a beer and chat. i wonder why they were there of all places. they sat there for about 90 minutes. i walked by at least four times and they didn't look up at me once.

you know, it's just over six years that we broke up, this month. it was the beginning of march 2001. spooky. the weirdest part about this was i was daydreaming about this last night, that i would bump into him at the casino and we would strike up a conversation and he would be so sorry that we weren't together anymore. i often have these daydreams and they never come true. ever. never. not once.

everyone i was with said i should say hi. i phoned my cousin and she said i should say hi. it was pretty unanimous.

i didn't say hi. i walked by them, one table away, and neither looked up. i will now outline why i did not say hello:

1) as far as "opportunities" went, he was there and i was there. that was it. i could've walked up to him and awkwardly said, "is that you?" but only 1% of me wanted to do it. everything in me said i shouldn't. had we made eye contact, then yes, i would've said hi. but as far as he knows, i wasn't even there.

2) the 1% reason i wanted to say hello is because i looked good and he did not. he looked scruffy, almost. baggy jeans, baggy shirt, baggy jacket, shaved head. WTF? he used to be hot. but that's not a "be the bigger person" reason. i think if i had been with different people, i would've said hi for just that reason.

3) i had nothing to say to him. i've spent years wondering how he was doing and what he was doing and the opportunity presented itself for me to actually find out and i didn't want to know. it didn't matter to me.

4) i didn't want to say hi just because i thought it was fate. i haven't seen him in 6 years and the first time i see him, he walks right by me in a building full of people, in a place i never go to. how fateful is that? but then again, he never looked up at me and he didn't bump into me. how fateful is that?

5) i didn't want to say hi because, as far as i'm concerned, he's a stranger to me now. if he's changed as much as i have over the last six years, then essentially, i don't know who he is and he doesn't know me either.

6) he didn't look good. not at all.

so, that's it. i think if i hadn't been so shocked about seeing him after all this time, i would've actually called out his friend's name (because i've seen his friend once or twice since the Ex and i broke up and it's always been amiable). a part of me is sad that i didn't say hello. then again, the other part of me is really glad i didn't. i don't know if that makes any sense and i don't know if it's meant to but it makes sense to me.

i'm not 100% sure, but i think i finally have closure. i don't think i need to talk to him to have it; just the sheer fact that i didn't need to run over to him and ask him how he'd been for the past six years says a lot. i think for the next day or so, i might feel a little sad but i think that's just habit more than actual feeling. it's hard to let go of it, the habit, but i think that's what i've been holding onto for so many years. maybe i'm just tired. i think i need to sleep on it and see how i feel tomorrow.

cement shoes

one of the lawyers in my firm picked up a client from asia on a fraud case. i don't exactly know details but it's a guy who had defrauded a whole bunch of companies and he lives here part time. at one point, no less than four of our lawyers (including the Ninja) were at this crazy woman's beck and call. somehow, i got dragged into it and i billed about five hours of work just yesterday alone trying to get documents prepared for service on this guy and for a court hearing to apply for an injunction. in her e-mails, she says that everyone has lost sleep over this matter because they are afraid the defendant's "goons" will come after them. rumour has it, a relative of someone related to this file was kidnapped and tortured yesterday in hong kong. the joke in the office, at least among the small group of people that have had to deal with this matter, is that one of us is next. BabyMan said to me, "don't be surprised if you're walking down the street tomorrow and get hauled into a van and beaten up." geez, i thought it was dangerous working in criminal law!

the upside? the group of us (the lawyers and paralegals that are working on the file) are doing lunch next week and charging it to the file.

Mon's 23 year old boyfriend of two years stealthily moved out of their apartment while she was at work. and here we thought he was so mature. this happened two weeks ago and she already has a date. my hero! she and A are going to join us for a girls' night out with a bunch of women from the firm - dinner at Sammy J's (not my first choice or even my last choice) and then an evening at the casino (not my first choice or my last choice). but i figure the three of us can go trolling. i haven't done that in so long. it's hard to troll with married women.

our Receptionist and Jax instructed me to wear something low-cut and wear big earrings and lipstick. i responded, "so you want me to whore it up, basically?" i understand that they care about me and want to "find me someone" but i think it will be an embarassing night tomorrow! plus, they don't seem to get what my "type" is and then get mad at me if i say no because he's short, balding and closer to my dad's age than mine. honestly, am i wrong to have standards???

handouts

i really need to stop complaining about being on a budget in casual conversation. i was just on the phone with a friend of mine and i just mentioned that for me, it's sometimes hard to keep up with my "couple" friends because when we go out, they have two incomes to my one and therefore, can technically afford to go out more than once a month or go to more expensive restaurants or buy more clothes. she immediately invited me over for a home-cooked dinner this sunday. with my other, single girlfriends, they just buy me dinner or pay for my movie and just make up an excuse to pay for whatever it is we're doing ("oh, it's a belated Christmas present" or "oh, i owe you for sending me that really funny joke that cheered me up the other day").

it's just lucky for me i'm so lazy that i don't actually go out all that often. it's looking like i'll be out thursday, friday, saturday and sunday this week (blech!) so i'll have to cut down on how much i spend each outing (although i loathe paying for a salad when i could spend three dollars more and get a burger!).

budgets suck.

$$$

on a routine drink night with some friends from school this evening, i discovered that i was the lowest paid paralegal in our group of 10 (or so). statistically, that means that only two other people in my class are making the same or less than me (perhaps this is not mathematically sound but as we know, math is not my strong point). i don't feel particularly bad about this - after all, i never work overtime and i never have to work weekends and my job is pretty low-stress. but at the same time, i know i need to be making more money just to keep myself out of unnecessary debt. and of course, i hate knowing that i don't make as much as everyone else does! not that $2500 more a year makes a huge difference from paycheque to paycheque but still, it's the principle of it all.

herein lies my problem (which has always been my problem): i love where i work. i really like the lawyers i work with and most of the people i work with are great. it's a very low stress environment and, while i don't feel as challenged as i could be, most days i like the pace i go at. so, do i apply for other jobs and risk leaving somewhere i really don't have major issues working at? there was a suggestion this evening that i should look around, get some offers on paper and then use those to up my salary at my current job. i could do that. i would do that. but i would hate to use one firm against the other - really, that's just shooting yourself in the foot if you ever want to leave. the legal community is very small and a sneaky move like that could cost you a position at another firm. i guess i really do have to start thinking about what is best for me now. for whatever reason, i find that very difficult to do sometimes.

deadbolt

when i was in paralegal school, we studied a case in tort class where women in a neighbourhood in ontario were being terrorized by a man who would climb up balconies in apartments where the sliding door was open, enter the home and rape the woman that lived there. not surprisingly, he was nicknamed "the balcony rapist". he was sent to jail and served 20 years. the big fuss in the news right now is that he's recently been released. first, he selected one city to live in but was quickly chased out by the city's residents. i knew he was coming to my city next, mostly because where i live is an old city that is rebuilding itself after many years of neglect (think the phoenix but before it actually rises out of the ashes). anyway, i thought nothing of it because ... well, again, i had a feeling he was going to pick this city to live in. old buildings, cheap rent, close to public transportation, a lot of low-income residents, etc. unless he was going to move to the DTES, how could i be surprised? i walked into the elevator in my building today and there was a crumpled, handwritten note stuffed into the memo-holder. guess who's moved into the neighbourhood? a block away, to be exact. and not only that but it's the same block that the triple X store is located. talk about stimulation.

what sucks is that summer is coming and i would like to sleep with my windows and sliding door open. it could be possible because i live on the top floor of my building but i also live in a low-rise so with enough determination, you could get to my balcony if you really wanted to.

kind of scary. i walk by the empty parking lot next to the seedy motel he's living in every single day. i know it sounds paranoid but i may have to start taking a different way home now... up the hill! thank goodness daylight savings time is coming up.

then again, there are crazy people all around that we don't even know about. at least we have the heads up on what this guy is capable of.

double take

i volunteered for the Canucks for Kids Fund telethon on thursday night. it was put on by telus so my mom is the one that informed me about it. she volunteered too but i met her at the call centre building where we were going to be taking pledges.

i took the skytrain from work to brentwood since it was walking distance to the building and i didn't want to have to drive if i didn't have to. as i walked through the mall parking lot to get to the building, i noticed this guy walking on the other side of the sidewalk - tall, dark hair, glasses. he was dressed well too. i mean, jeans and runners but he was well put together. i looked once and then i looked twice. he was hot. i could tell that he was younger than me - probably no older than 25 or 26. as we stood on parallel sides of the street, waiting to cross to the other side, we exchanged glances. i thought to myself, "hmm, that's what the Ex would look like if he wore funky glasses."

as we crossed the street, i had to wait to cross one more time so the Lookalike was ahead of me. when i got across the street, i walked to the back of the building, convinced that the Lookalike was gone. instead, i see him on the other end of the parking lot, obviously wondering how to get into the building. at the same time, we both spot people opening a side door and we both head towards it. we get to the door at the same time and he looks at me, smiles this amazing smile and says, "i guess this is the way to get in?" i laugh and say, "i guess we'll find out!" he reaches for the door but, being me, i open it myself. there's a girl standing there who is on her way out. she's clearly too busy checking the Lookalike out so i scoot past her and to the sign-in table. he follows. i give my name and take the stairs for the three flights up. then i duck into the washroom to see what i look like. by the time i'm done, he's gone into the waiting area with the other volunteers.

when we finally are able to go into the training room where the computers are so we can learn the pledge-taking program, i grab a seat closest to the door, strategically leaving one computer station empty beside me. and he takes it. i sit facing the overhead screen; he sits facing me but not looking at me. here's where i think i always end up going wrong: instead of just saying hi and starting up a conversation, i busy myself looking at the screen or reading the information sheet we've been given. he does the same thing. i think it was him that started up the converstation. i think he said, "have you ever done this before?" i said no. and the ball rolled. we introduced ourselves. turns out he's originally from montreal (hence the hint of a french accent) and he moved here a year ago to work for telus. we chat about the inane things you chat about when you don't know someone. then, this other guy walks in - tall, blonde, very cute in a geeky sort of way. we make eye contact too. i'm starting to think i need to volunteer more, especially at telus events.

when we're done "training", we get taking to the call centre room where we'll be taking the pledges. the Lookalike and i walk together. i see my mom waving me down (how embarrassing!) but she's in the pink section and i'm in the yellow. awwwwww.... i stepped outside of my comfort zone and took a seat beside the Lookalike. normally, i would've picked a spot where i could see him but not necessarily be anywhere near him. i dash off to the snack room to get some water and we bump into each other again. it was that kind of night. by the time i get back to my station, the tall blonde is setting up behind me.

short story long, i had a great time. the blonde turns out to be married but he was a lot of fun to talk to. the Lookalike spent most of his time on the intraoffice MSN-messenger type site, presumably chatting with friends. he didn't quite get my sarcasm, although the blonde did. at one point, the Lookalike asked if i was taking the skytrain home and it was looking like we were at least going to walk to the skytrain together but when time came to go, i zipped off to the washroom and when i got back, my mom was standing at the station and the Lookalike was taking off with one of his friends. color me a bit disappointed. i waved goodbye to the blonde, who was still on a call, and he waved a cheery goodbye back. i walked by the Lookalike on my way out, who was surrounded by women but mostly because he was asking a question to one and the others just stood around and stared at him. i wasn't going to wait around like a groupie to say goodbye so while he was talking, i touched his arm and said, "it was nice meeting you." i'm not even sure if he saw who it was who said it but he turned his head slightly and said, "good meeting you too."

and that was it. i didn't really expect anything to come of it. i'm glad i did step outside of the ol' CZ and spend four hours with a really hot guy, joking around, instead of just glancing at him from across the room. i doubt i'll ever see him again, even if i do volunteer at another telus activity. even if i do, he still reminds me of the Ex.

this is the second guy i've been attracted to that is the spitting image of the Ex. i don't know what that means; maybe it means nothing. but it always makes me think about him and what he's doing now. we've been apart longer now than we were ever together and if he's changed as much as i have over the past six years then really, we are strangers again. but that doesn't stop me from thinking about him, every now and then.

i'm still standing

geez, the last entry was when i was depressed. just so you know, i woke up the next morning feeling normal and wondering what the hell happened the night before. i talked about it with a friend at work (who is older) and she assured me that it happens to everyone. i guess it does. i don't know; i felt really crazy. anyway, things have been fine every since. work has been good. i've been seemingly meeting friends for meals left, right and centre, which doesn't sound like it would bode well for my budget but as it happens, one friend paid for dinner (i'll get the next one but i hope it's a cheap as the one she paid for! then again, she just declared bankruptcy so do i feel bad or do i not?), another friend paid for coffee and a cookie, yet another friend paid for cover charge and a drink at the pub and i got the breakfast special with another friend so it was cheap! it's been a very, very social month.

money seems to be consuming me right now. i know it's because i have the credit card debt i want to get rid of. i just got my bonus from work and so that will take care of a chunk of it but there's still an even bigger chunk left to pay. it's like a double-edged sword: if i go out with friends, i spend money but if i stay home by myself, i eat too much. and then i have to go out and buy groceries. so, i'm either obsessed about the money i'm spending or concerned about the amount of food i'm over-consuming. i know, a few more months of not spending anything but for the bare necessities and i'll be credit-card debt free. now if my social life could wait a few more months! summer is coming up and the patios are calling!

speaking of money, i note that two of my neighbours across the way are using their gas fireplaces on this cold evening. and they've been on all evening. the strata pays for the gas but we as individual occupants pay for the electric heat. i bet you the two fireplace users are renters. you have no idea how expensive it is for the owners!!!! ok, i have no idea but i'm sure it can't be cheap. if it costs me $30 for half a tank of gas in my car, imagine what burning 5 hours of gas would cost.

the Howler's right - we are getting crotchety in our old age.

black dog

i know this girl. overall and in the greater scheme of things, she's got a pretty good life. she has a good job that she loves, an abundance of good friends, and a loving, extended family. she's well-educated, bright and always curious about learning new things. she owns her own home, has paid off her car, has no student loans to pay off and, aside from some irresponsible but manageable credit card debt, she only has a mortgage to worry about. she's healthy; she could eat better and could stand to lose a few pounds and aside from an on-going but non-life threatening health issue that is currently being monitored, she can't complain. from this side of the fence, i wouldn't mind having her life.

in the past few weeks, since after Christmas, she's been more reclusive than even she's used to. despite the fact that she has friends that she could be going out with or visiting on the weekend, she chooses to stay at home, by herself, and watch tv. she tells people she reads too, but she hasn't read a book - or at least, hasn't finished one - in many, many months. she hardly ever phones her friends to keep in touch and has stopped sending e-mails (her favorite form of communication), not because she doesn't want to but more because she hasn't really thought about it. she thought it was because she didn't want to spend any more money than she had to - she has credit card debt to pay off, after all. she thought it would be smart just to sacrifice some her social life so she could pay off her debt more quickly. but she hasn't been exercising or going for the walks she said she would go on and it's gotten to the point where the mere thought of having to leave her apartment without a really good reason (i.e. going to work) has become more and more daunting. she thought it was just laziness. she thought it was just the return of her roller-coaster moods after a few years of steady contentment. maybe it has something to do with the on-going but non-life threatening health issue. she thought it was a phase - after all, she didn't feel depressed. for the most part, she was happy with her life. but when you see her symptoms written down, there's no doubt that she is depressed.

today, she slept in until 10 - unheard of on most weekends but she was out late last night. she lay on the couch and watched tv until about 4 when she finally decided to force herself to shower and change. except something inside snapped and she started to cry. she sat on her couch, crying, but not understanding why. it wasn't PMS. it wasn't a sad commercial on tv. it was nothing. this frustrated her so much - this crying over nothing - that she started to cry harder. she managed to gain control of herself after a few moments - enough to finish the show she was watching - and then she showered, changed and went to run some quick errands. when she got back, she barely got through the front door before she started to cry again. now, she thinks she's crazy.

i don't know how to help her. maybe it's just a phase. maybe it's just stress finding its way out and it'll be over by tomorrow. it's a bit scary for her. she's starting to think she's fooled herself completely by just pretending she was happy with life. personally, i don't think she has but there is definitely something wrong. she doesn't know what it is and neither do i. it's hard to find a solution to a problem when you don't even know what the problem is. maybe we'll just have to wait and see.

Fluff

last night i went to the annual post-Christmas bowling party put on by my former office. i like these events, almost exclusively because i get to visit with my friends. but i kicked ass bowling - at least in my first game. anyway... when i checked the attendance list yesterday afternoon, i noticed that the lawyer i asked out on my last day working for crown was going to be in attendance. he's obsessed with Kimini but it's ok because he's still fun to look at.

i didn't talk to him at all during bowling but there were rumblings after bowling of drinks at the shark club up the street and i was talked into joining.

before i go any further, i need to describe to you what this guy is like. he's about 6'3", blonde curly hair and blue-eyes (can you tell why i like him?), athletic-build and has a smile that could light up any given dark corner. he's got this deep, smooth baritone voice and when he smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkle. his office is across the street from the courthouse and one afternoon, he dropped by our office to chat to one of the other lawyers about a file. at work, he dresses in suits but on this particular day, he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and every woman in our office took an opportunity to peek at him sitting in the waiting room. every single one. take one look at him and you think he spends his weekends at his sailing club or playing polo. even his name sounds like he went to prep-school.

i learned from Kimini and Uber G that appearances, at least with The Fluff, are most certainly not what they seem. from what i understand, his apartment is actually an old warehouse on Antique Alley (not so far from where yours truly lives...but i digress). when you walk in, there's an area set aside for jousting (if not a member already, he wants to become a member of the SCA). in the back room, there's a basketball hoop on one side and a knife-throwing wall on the other. he's 36 years old but still feels the need to have posters of Christina Aguilera on the wall. his place, not surprisingly, does not have a shower so he takes his daily showers at his gym down the street. this is a step up from his previous lodgings, where he would take a shower using the garden hose in the back yard (this is a LAWYER i'm talking about). there was a blow-up pool with jello at his last party. i was invited by other friends but i unfortunately had other plans. anyway, on to the story du jour.

as we were leaving the bowling alley, i hear The Fluff saying to someone, "That's how I roll, mother fucker!" he said it in such a Wonderbread kind of way that i turned around and he looked at me. i started to laugh and said, "That was so white!" he laughed and hung his head in mock shame and for the rest of the evening, i got to finally experience what everyone else was talking about. he bought me a drink at the bar and we all sat around and talked. well, he yelled. i turned to Kimini and said, "this is great! i finally can put context to the stories you guys tell me!" when she asked me if i was aware of his fixation on her, i told her it was obvious and then said, "is it not reciprocal, then?" she looked at me and then we both looked at him, sitting to her left. he was in the middle of telling a story and the veins in the side of his head were looking to burst. she looked back at me and said, "this is what he's like ALL THE TIME. his intensity, quite frankly, scares me!" yeah, but he's hot! my favorite part was when he'd stand in between me and Kimini and lean up against me. we'd turn towards each other to chat and i'd get to see his crinkly blue eyes up close... hey, i have to take it where i can get it these days! :)

a bunch of us ended up leaving at the same time but Uber G and The Fluff decided to stick it out. The Fluff said to me, "you staying? you're staying, right?" but i said i had to drive Jam home. i offered to drive him home too, since it's on the way, but he said he was going to stay.

i'm going to see if Uber G wants to come out to my friend's gig next week and maybe, just maybe, he'll bring The Fluff. what a night that would be!

switch

don't roll your eyes, but i'm thinking about going back to school. there was an ad in the local 24hrs paper for the BCIT technical writing part-time program. i don't know how serious i am but i'm going to go to the information session next week to see what it's all about. i can't afford to go back to school and, even though the classes are at night, i don't know if i'm ready to do school work again. but the program description certainly got my attention and it brought to the surface the one thing that i am missing in my job - writing.

i worked on a quantum assessment today and it allows for some writing but nothing even remotely creative. when i draft pleadings, there's some description involved but it's basically a fill-in-the-blank template.

i wonder if i can satisfy my urge to write by blogging more regularly or working on my short story more often than once or twice a month, maybe i'll feel a little more content with what little writing i do on the job. it won't hurt to just attend the session and see what it's about. ideally, if i were to take the program, my objective would be to work part-time as a technical writer. i'll keep you posted.

i have one thing to share from last week. on thursday, BabyMan comes by my desk and says, "we're going to Vera's for lunch. you coming?" i had always wanted to go so i said ok, even though i had gone out for an expensive dinner the night before (and had basically blown my entire entertainment budget for february a day before february started!). the Mentor overheard us and called shrilly from her office, "where are you guys going?" i said, "vera's burger shack." "who's going?" "i don't know, i'm not driving." a few minutes later, BabyMan came by to collect us, being me, the Ninja, Mon and A. the Mentor called out again, "where are you guys going?" in the hubbub, no one really answered her and she called out, "thanks for inviting me! i am VERY hurt and offended that you didn't invite me AND I'M NOT KIDDING." i looked at BabyMan and said, "she's pissed."

we had a mediocre lunch (i didn't need to spend the $9.00 i did on a burger and soda - not even any fries!) after driving around the west end looking for parking for 10 minutes and then we went back to the office. we were gone about 90 minutes. at lunch, i had said to the table, "the Mentor is pissed that she wasn't invited. it's going to be pure hell when we get back because that's all i'm going to hear about." the Ninja reminded me that we were all allowed to make lunch plans with whomever we wanted and it wasn't our fault that the Mentor's boss never, ever took her out for lunch. ever. not even for secretary's day. or Christmas. or her birthday. never. ever. not in the 15 years they've worked together. ever. (does that tell you something about her?). anyway, we get back to work and the whole group of us walk around the corner just as she's walking out of the elevator to go for lunch. of course. when she gets back, she won't look at any of us and is sniffling in her office. at the printer. at reception. if she has to say something to someone, she's got this mopey, pouty sad face and won't make eye contact. sniff, sniff. and then she skulked out of the office without saying anything to anyone. holy F.

the next day, she went up to our receptionist and said, "do you think i overreacted yesterday?" it took everything in her power for our receptionist not to say, "uh, DUH, you big f-ing baby!" but she explained to the Mentor that if she was upset, she didn't need to take it out on everyone that crossed her path. and if she wanted to go, she should've just said so, instead of saying, "well, thanks for inviting me!" later that morning, she said something friendly to me so i figured she was okay with me. but BabyMan went into her office and sat down and she looked at him and said, "what do YOU want? i'm really upset with you. you hurt my feelings." despite the fact that BabyMan is probably 12 or so years younger than her, she forgets he's one of her bosses and treats him like a child. i'm still so annoyed with her that i can't even look at her. any amount of respect i had for her has dwindled down to nothing now. she's pathetic.

i thought government office politics was bad.

stand off-ish

i had someone on my dating site send me a smile and his pictures. nice. he then sent me an e-mail that said, "you seem a little stand-offish." who says that in an introductory e-mail? ok, he's right and i thought it was really funny that he even mentioned it but, really, who says that?

i have a date (not with that guy) on thursday. i'll let you know how it goes.

the sushi guy date was okay. no sparks on my end and not on his either. by the next day, he had deleted me from his MSN list. you gotta love that technology - at least you're not kept wondering.

i wish i didn't have that nagging feeling that i'd be missing something if i left my dating site again. i'd be off it already. but i always wonder who i would miss if i stopped using it all together. maybe after thursday, i'll take myself off again.

not to sound like a hypo, but i think i have rosacea. i'll have to see a dermatologist to be sure (duh) but my dad has it and i understand that it's hereditary. also, in women, they tend to exhibit symptoms when menopause begins. hmm.... could explain a few things.

i'm not going to make a special appointment to see my doc. i think i'll just go to see her when i go to see the specialist next month. kill two birds with one stone, as they say.

i wish i had more interesting news for you but that's about it. i've been laying low for the past few weeks, with a few outings here and there, but mostly quiet and i plan on keeping it that way, whether i like it or not.

i miss my doctor

my "old" doctor "retired" last year - he's now the director of some private medical clinic in the city. the new doctor that took over his patients (or that the clinic referred patients to when he left) is younger, a female but not as good. i always feel so rushed when i'm in there to see her and really, i only ever go for my annual checkup. and i'm convinced now that she doesn't prepare before she sees patients because she walked into the exam room today and said, "so, what can i do for you today?" you asked me to come in, remember? it should at least say that much in the notes. grr.

in a hour, i am meeting another online date, for sushi. usually i don't do meals on the first date but for a number of reasons, i had to give in. first, i don't drink alcohol. second, he doesn't drink coffee. third, i really wanted to go for sushi. fourth, he doesn't live downtown and doesn't work downtown but offered to come out my way to meet up. i think that's it.

about him - not sure why i'm meeting him, actually. he seems nice enough, although i think he's more of a boozer than he lets on. not that that's a bad thing necessarily but it's certainly not something i do so it's something to consider when screening for potential dates. in fact, his picture had him hoisting a mug of beer up to the camera - again, i can't remember why i smiled at him but i did. oh well, i guess we'll find out what he's like in a short while. i'll keep you posted.

stupid thing

over a month ago, i confessed about this guy that i had met on my dating site and began chatting with. i think i mentioned that MGF admonished me for phoning this guy before he phoned me. i haven't heard from the guy since. remember i thought he was lying dead somewhere?

well, i was on my dating site earlier this week and who should be on at the same time as me but this guy - i don't even think i gave him a name. anyway, he's alive and well. no, i didn't talk to him. i haven't see him on MSN since i saw him on the dating site and today, i checked (yes, i checked) and he's deleted me from his MSN list.

i know it's a stupid thing to feel sad about but i am a little sad. if i take MGF's word, this guy never bothered calling me back because i was too accessible (too "easy" i think were his exact words) - i called him so why should he bother calling me, type-of-thing. no challenge. go figure.

i went for a medical test a week ago today and last friday, there was a message from my doctor's office. she wants me to come in to discuss the test results. that sounds good, eh? :) i see her tomorrow afternoon.

of course, i'm letting my imagination run wild with this one. she might just be updating me on the status of things or she might be telling me my situation has gotten worse (i could have told her that). she could prescribe a higher dose drug (which would suck because my moods are just fine, thanks very much) or it may be that surgery is the only way to go. in which case, i'll start looking for my dog now. har har.

some assistant fire warden

i decided to go to bed early tonight. at 9:30, i packed it in and was probably sleeping by 10. about fifteen minutes ago, i was awoken by the shrieks of the building's fire alarm. i should be thankful that: a) they work; and b) i heard them. i got up, wandered to the window to see if i could see fire or smoke. i then wandered out to the livingroom window to get a better view. then, i checked just outside my front door. i peeked around the corner and saw a neighbour trying to press the smoke alarm. he saw me, shrugged and walked away. i spent the next five minutes trying to find my ear plugs and hemming and hawing about whether to phone 911 or just our property manager. then, i got dressed, grabbed my cell phone and wallet and keys and wandered down the hall. i met up with my neighbour who said she couldn't find her cat and that we should mosey on outside. i could see a firetruck outside the window.

we get to the ground floor and open the lobby door and there are four firefighters, fiddling with the sprinkler panel (all about 6'3" in their uniforms but none to write home about). outside, a handful of neighbours stood. i thought to myself, "huh. i guess i should take these things seriously, even if i know it's just the sprinklers malfunctioning."

it's comforting to know that i really am calm in these types of situations. but perhaps a sense of urgency is needed when it comes to fire safety. thank goodness i live in a lowrise.

hopefully, i can get back to sleep.

vincent

i've been singing with my Magic Mic for the past hour or so now (poor neighbours). i've sang everything from laura branigan's showstopper, "Gloria", to bette midler's "The Rose". i've laughed as sang the carpenters' "Goodbye to Love" and cheesed my way through Queen's "Somebody to Love". i've been fine. i've laughed at myself. i've wondered if the neighbours can hear me and if they can, do they think i'm nuts? and then, i get to one of my very favorites, don maclean's "Vincent".

lately, when i've sang it, i've started to cry when i get to the part where he sings, "and when no hope was left in sight on the starry, starry night / you took your life as lovers often do / but i could have told you, vincent / this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you". this time, i started to tear up and my voice started to crack as i sang, "now i understand / what you tried to say to me / and how you suffered for your sanity / and how you tried to set them free..."

i can't understand it. i'm starting to think that perhaps, my subconscious knows something that i don't. perhaps i am mentally ill - clinically depressed or schizophrenic maybe - and i don't know it yet. why the song about the genius yet suicidal artist makes me cry, i don't know. "...perhaps [i] never will".

signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

the Department of Justice has a posting for a paralegal. i've received the posting no less than four different times from four different, unrelated sources. do you think it's a sign? i should apply for it. the starting salary is more than i make now. what's the worse they could do? hire me?

volunteered at the judges' dinner again tonight. and again, two years in a row, public transportation done me wrong. last year, i think it was snow related or the traffic was at a standstill. this year, a skytrain car decided to go off the rails (when i was not on it) and messed up the entire system. a trip that normally would take me 25 minutes took me almost 2 1/2 hours. i was suppose to be the first person to get there (with the nametags and the attendance list) and i was one of the last. luckily, i arrived with so much adrenaline pumping through me that i was able to butterfly around to different tables and socialize. i joked around in the buffet lineup with one of the provincial court judges. i joked around at the receiving table with an appeal judge. i made great conversation with a very attractive male lawyer sitting beside me at our table (he's married with child on the way). i was even able to say hello and sustain a good conversation with my former boss, now PCJ in Surrey. it was fab. but next year, i'm taking the day off so i can actually get to the event on time.

and now, to bed for this girl.

OD

my mom phoned and left a message on my voicemail about an hour ago. it was something to the effect of, "i don't know where you are right now and i know your brother normally goes to your grandma's on saturday night but can you two come over tonight? there's something i need to talk to you about."

i phoned my dad's and no one was home. i phoned my mom and she said basically the same thing she said on her message. and then told me to phone my brother because she hadn't talked to him yet.

i phoned him and asked him if he was going to grandma's tonight. he said no. i said, "ok, mom wants the two of us to come over tonight." i don't even think i told him that she wanted to talk to us about something. he said okay and i told him to phone me when he got home.

a few minutes later, he phoned again and said, "what's this about?" i don't know. why? "dad wants to know if he has to be there." huh? "dad wants to know if he's supposed to come with us tonight." i told him that as far as i knew, it was just supposed to be the two of us. so my dad will go to my grandma's instead. i hung up the phone.

and now, as i am thinking about it, it was a strange question for my dad to ask. as far as i know, they're not even speaking to each other right now; why would she want him to come over with us?

there's something going on - something is amiss. he knows something we don't which means they've been talking. or communicating in some way. knowing my mom, she's just being over-dramatic about wanting to tell us something but then again, you never know.

weathered

i know i bitch about this whenever i get the chance but i hate it when it snows! i don't still live on the west coast because i was hoping for a climate change. i live here for the mild weather. a foot of snow on the cars is not mild. this is freaking ridiculous.

because i live by mostly side streets and gigantic hills, they don't bother clearing the streets or the sidewalks so this morning, i slipped my way to the train. i should've bought ice-skates instead of snow boots.

i don't mind the cold weather - i actually like how cold and crisp the air is. but enough of the damn snow. enough of the ice. enough of the skytrain malfunctions. enough of the buses not running because they haven't cleared the hills.

i mean it - if it's like this next year, i'm moving. to san diego.

on a different note, i am entertaining the idea of becoming a foster parent. i know that the kids that need fostering aren't angels but i think it's a good way to see whether or not i could actually handle being a parent while at the same time, helping out kids who need it. not that i have any room in my apartment to do this. "entertaining" the idea is really the only think i can do right now.

had coffee with MGF yesterday. nothing out of the ordinary was said or happened. nothing more to say. although, when i told him about that guy that i was MSNing with and then he never got in contact with me again (you know, the one that reminded me of my ex), he was a bit frustrated with me when i told him i e-mailed and phoned him. his said something to the effect of, "i wish you had phoned me for a consult first! you shouldn't have called him. men like the chase, even if they don't like the chase." again, i learn so much from him. he also chastised me for not applying for the paralegal position in his department. i don't know if i would like working with him - it would be with him too. when we went up to his office to get his stuff, he pointed to a small office across from his and said, "that would've been your office." as much as i would like my own office, my current desk is enormous; that office was tiny. i'll keep my desk, thanks.

but if i did leave my firm, which i won't, i would want to get into a bigger firm. apparently, BLG has a pension plan. and they currently have two litigation paralegal positions advertised. i'm not ready to leave my firm yet. but i'm "entertaining" the idea.

fixation

my coffee / after-work-bite-to-eat date with the persistent-but-not-pushy guy this evening was not unlike the temperature of my hot water when they switched the boiler tanks in my apartment building this summer: lukewarm.

i don't know if he was trying to be cool and not act like we'd never met before or what but when i walked up to him in front of the restaurant, he was very blase. gave me a one-armed, half-hearted hug (which we all know i hate) and the rest of the evening was chit chat, some discussion about our respective families, our jobs, the weather. one or two references to us getting together again but when we parted ways, he said, "let's keep in touch and maybe we can do this again," which translates into, "not going to call you."

don't get me wrong; i felt no chemistry with him. but once again, i wonder whether it's me. do i take that good of a picture that when they meet me in person, it's a disappointment? did i talk too much? not enough? did it seem like i wasn't interested in what he had to say? admittedly, i don't bend over backward to impress someone; that's just not my style. i always figure if we get along then everything else should come naturally. should i have more of a fighting impulse? should i be more aggressive?

i have a coffee date with MGF tomorrow afternoon. i know he will tell me the truth so i'm going to ask him what kind of impression i make. perhaps it's not a fair question since, at one point, he did like me enough to date me so he's probably a little biased. who else could i ask?

i know what you might say to all of this ranting; that it's not me, it's him. but at some point, i have to wonder, "it can't always be them so maybe it IS me..."

at this point, i don't care. there's a new "House" on tonight :)

on the other fixation point, ever since i read my journals, i've been thinking about 4M. a lot. i've been very, very, very close to calling him on his old cell phone number (like it's still the same one from 8 years ago but then again, mine is). like, phone in my hand, dialing the first three numbers-close. i've looked him up in the phone book and there are only two possible entries. this is all assuming that he: a) still lives in vancouver; and b) is in the phone book. i can't get him out of my head. i mean, there are a lot of guys that i've had crushes on over the past few years but i don't think of them much anymore. but 4M.... every so often, he pops into my head and then stays there for awhile. i'll see something that reminds me of him or i'll hear a song that reminds me of him. i think i just want to know if i pop into his head every now and then too. maybe. maybe not.

p.s. one of our girls on mat leave brought her baby in today. he's 4 1/2 months old and what a cutie! everyone said he really took to me and, let's face it, i was the only one that was able to get him to belly-laugh. just call me the Baby Whisperer.