closure

so, i ended up going to the casino tonight. it was embarassing but mostly because our Receptionist screamed at winning at a two-cent machine (the thing kept dinging and tallying up her winnings but at two-cents, it ended up being about $94.00). these two guys (not my type), along with half the casino, were standing behind us watching the machine go. they asked each other, "how much is she going to win?" i turned to them and said, "she won $94.00." they laughed and said, "it sounds like she won the jackpot!" as they walked way, our Receptionist said, "hey, she's single!" oy.

we rendezvoused at the lounge after about 30 minutes of being there to determine what the plan was for the rest of the night. as we stood there, a guy walked by me. i thought to myself, "hey, that looks like the Layman, but with a faux-hawk." then another guy walked by me, who was talking to the first guy and i thought, "hey, that looks like the Ex but with a shaved head and kind of chubby." a second look yielded, "holy F, it is the Ex!" they went to go sit in the bistro to have a beer and chat. i wonder why they were there of all places. they sat there for about 90 minutes. i walked by at least four times and they didn't look up at me once.

you know, it's just over six years that we broke up, this month. it was the beginning of march 2001. spooky. the weirdest part about this was i was daydreaming about this last night, that i would bump into him at the casino and we would strike up a conversation and he would be so sorry that we weren't together anymore. i often have these daydreams and they never come true. ever. never. not once.

everyone i was with said i should say hi. i phoned my cousin and she said i should say hi. it was pretty unanimous.

i didn't say hi. i walked by them, one table away, and neither looked up. i will now outline why i did not say hello:

1) as far as "opportunities" went, he was there and i was there. that was it. i could've walked up to him and awkwardly said, "is that you?" but only 1% of me wanted to do it. everything in me said i shouldn't. had we made eye contact, then yes, i would've said hi. but as far as he knows, i wasn't even there.

2) the 1% reason i wanted to say hello is because i looked good and he did not. he looked scruffy, almost. baggy jeans, baggy shirt, baggy jacket, shaved head. WTF? he used to be hot. but that's not a "be the bigger person" reason. i think if i had been with different people, i would've said hi for just that reason.

3) i had nothing to say to him. i've spent years wondering how he was doing and what he was doing and the opportunity presented itself for me to actually find out and i didn't want to know. it didn't matter to me.

4) i didn't want to say hi just because i thought it was fate. i haven't seen him in 6 years and the first time i see him, he walks right by me in a building full of people, in a place i never go to. how fateful is that? but then again, he never looked up at me and he didn't bump into me. how fateful is that?

5) i didn't want to say hi because, as far as i'm concerned, he's a stranger to me now. if he's changed as much as i have over the last six years, then essentially, i don't know who he is and he doesn't know me either.

6) he didn't look good. not at all.

so, that's it. i think if i hadn't been so shocked about seeing him after all this time, i would've actually called out his friend's name (because i've seen his friend once or twice since the Ex and i broke up and it's always been amiable). a part of me is sad that i didn't say hello. then again, the other part of me is really glad i didn't. i don't know if that makes any sense and i don't know if it's meant to but it makes sense to me.

i'm not 100% sure, but i think i finally have closure. i don't think i need to talk to him to have it; just the sheer fact that i didn't need to run over to him and ask him how he'd been for the past six years says a lot. i think for the next day or so, i might feel a little sad but i think that's just habit more than actual feeling. it's hard to let go of it, the habit, but i think that's what i've been holding onto for so many years. maybe i'm just tired. i think i need to sleep on it and see how i feel tomorrow.