fixation

my coffee / after-work-bite-to-eat date with the persistent-but-not-pushy guy this evening was not unlike the temperature of my hot water when they switched the boiler tanks in my apartment building this summer: lukewarm.

i don't know if he was trying to be cool and not act like we'd never met before or what but when i walked up to him in front of the restaurant, he was very blase. gave me a one-armed, half-hearted hug (which we all know i hate) and the rest of the evening was chit chat, some discussion about our respective families, our jobs, the weather. one or two references to us getting together again but when we parted ways, he said, "let's keep in touch and maybe we can do this again," which translates into, "not going to call you."

don't get me wrong; i felt no chemistry with him. but once again, i wonder whether it's me. do i take that good of a picture that when they meet me in person, it's a disappointment? did i talk too much? not enough? did it seem like i wasn't interested in what he had to say? admittedly, i don't bend over backward to impress someone; that's just not my style. i always figure if we get along then everything else should come naturally. should i have more of a fighting impulse? should i be more aggressive?

i have a coffee date with MGF tomorrow afternoon. i know he will tell me the truth so i'm going to ask him what kind of impression i make. perhaps it's not a fair question since, at one point, he did like me enough to date me so he's probably a little biased. who else could i ask?

i know what you might say to all of this ranting; that it's not me, it's him. but at some point, i have to wonder, "it can't always be them so maybe it IS me..."

at this point, i don't care. there's a new "House" on tonight :)

on the other fixation point, ever since i read my journals, i've been thinking about 4M. a lot. i've been very, very, very close to calling him on his old cell phone number (like it's still the same one from 8 years ago but then again, mine is). like, phone in my hand, dialing the first three numbers-close. i've looked him up in the phone book and there are only two possible entries. this is all assuming that he: a) still lives in vancouver; and b) is in the phone book. i can't get him out of my head. i mean, there are a lot of guys that i've had crushes on over the past few years but i don't think of them much anymore. but 4M.... every so often, he pops into my head and then stays there for awhile. i'll see something that reminds me of him or i'll hear a song that reminds me of him. i think i just want to know if i pop into his head every now and then too. maybe. maybe not.

p.s. one of our girls on mat leave brought her baby in today. he's 4 1/2 months old and what a cutie! everyone said he really took to me and, let's face it, i was the only one that was able to get him to belly-laugh. just call me the Baby Whisperer.