skewed memories

yesterday, i decided to hack into my old journal file (well, one of them) that i had on disk. i know i have other ones but the disks may be lost forever now. anyway, i found four disks that had some of my stuff on it. one disk of poetry (which wouldn't open - luckily the originals are in a binder under my bed), two disks of short story drafts (only two drafts but they weren't bad for a 22 year old who thought she had seen it all) and one disk that had my new years resolutions from 1999 and my journal. i knew i would have trouble opening my journal as i always set passwords to open them and, wouldn't you know it, i threw away my password book when i moved (just another argument for packrattedness!). throughout the course of my evening, i read my short stories - a couple of which i might try to run with again - and chatted with a new guy on MSN (i've actually been avoiding him and was hoping he'd just get tired of waiting and stop contacting me - nice eh? - but he's persistent, but not pushy, so i'm finally meeting him on tuesday - i promise this time!) and intermittently, i tried every password i could possibly remember from six years ago. you can imagine how successful i was. until, late in the evening, long after MSN conversations had ended and after my movie was finished, i sat down and tried a few more passwords. i finally cracked it and my journal (from 1997 to 2001) opened up. and i read it - not every single entry but the ones i wanted to remember. mainly, the ones that involved 4M and of course, my Ex.

lemme tell ya, the memory works in mysterious ways. for the longest time, I was sure 4M initiated all of the shenanigans that happened the night of the game but it turns out, some of the really bad stuff was started by me. i read how not careful we were about keeping it a secret at work - that i remembered but what i didn't remember was that it actually started over that summer. the flirting was rampant over that summer but it all came to head at the game. amazing what alcohol will do, eh? i read over all of the sweet things he said to me and that i was smitten enough to have recorded in my journal and not surprisingly, it made me miss him. it made me really think about him and what he was doing now. i won't try to contact him but that doesn't mean i don't want to. he's probably completely bald now but he'll still have those amazing eyes and that perfect mouth. hmmm.

as for my Ex... i was unhappy for so long! why did i put up with it? why did i let myself be fooled by the pockets of happiness that were becoming increasingly rare? of course, i can look back now with a critical and impartial eye and see that he stopped putting effort into the relationship no less than two years in but i still stuck around for another year and a bit! that's me: always wanting to fix something that can't be fixed. stubborn.

i also enjoyed reading about my pursuit of Shtiny Jim. i was so on that year - meeting new people, unabashed flirting. what happened to me? how did i become so reserved and cautious? i wish i had kept entries about the two years following my breakup with the Ex. those years were a pretty wild ride, at least by the standards i set for myself (which we all know are different than the ones i unilaterally set for other people). since then, i think i've kept a pretty low profile. maybe that's my problem. or maybe, it's not a problem at all.

so, a week after the fact, here are my New Years' Resolutions (in no particular order):

1) Eat better and exercise more regularly;
2) Get out and meet people while doing fun things;
3) Live within my means (i.e. don't buy stupid things i don't need) and save more money
4) Learn something new this year (whether it be a skill or a hobby)
5) Keep better contact with friends and family.

or, to put it in another way, stop being a hermit...that likes to shop too much. :)

happy new year!