when i have a hunger-induced migraine, it invariably comes hand-in-hand with a bloated tummy and a constant hunger pang, even when i've eaten more than i could possibly imagine.
and yet, at least once every couple of months, i do this to myself. i suffer the whole day with a headache, with which the pain level varies, and at the end of the day decide that i must never do this again.
but i always do. and i think i learn from my mistakes!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
channelling
you know how i said i needed a distraction? i found one.
i just read in a newspaper today that my future-boyfriend, Dwayne "No Longer the Rock" Johnson is now in town to shoot a movie and he was seen working out at the Steve Nash gym just the other day, not five blocks from my work.
i think it's time to put on a pretty dress and stalk....i mean, try to meet him. see, he's getting ready to meet me in this picture. yes, okay, that was stupid.
but i have purpose again!
(well, i do have purpose and that purpose's class starts in two weeks! aaaarrgh!)
i just read in a newspaper today that my future-boyfriend, Dwayne "No Longer the Rock" Johnson is now in town to shoot a movie and he was seen working out at the Steve Nash gym just the other day, not five blocks from my work.
i think it's time to put on a pretty dress and stalk....i mean, try to meet him. see, he's getting ready to meet me in this picture. yes, okay, that was stupid.
but i have purpose again!
(well, i do have purpose and that purpose's class starts in two weeks! aaaarrgh!)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
next!
the neurologist was just as puzzled as everyone else. he offered an MRI but also said, "i'd be deeply surprised if we found anything" (read: let's not waste the money on something we know isn't there). he is going to refer me to an ears, nose and throat specialist. that actually makes more sense. keep you posted
on a redundant note, i think i am a compulsive shopper (don't snort at me). i mean, not in the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" sense, but i do have an addiction. i bought decorations for Hallowe'en and fall yesterday at Michael's and at HomeSense. I'm returning half of it this week. I was on the shopaholics anonymous website, and found this helpful checklist. it doesn't have a description, but i think i am a "bulimic shopaholic". i love to buy stuff and then return it because just the sheer act of buying it makes me feel good. actually owning the thing is of no great importance in 95% of my purchases, but buying it is a must.
i like to think that mentally, i'm quite healthy, but it's quite obvious i'm not. the fact that i have a need and desire to obsess about something...anything, really... cannot be considered healthy. so, if i focus my energy on something other than shopping, then the credit card bill will lessen. but everything else i like to obsess about (men, mainly) leads me to unhappiness and self-doubt. shopping at least makes me feel good. that addiction feeds me and clothes me and makes me smell good (i think). but obsessing about men or my weight/health or career/education has never led me to happy places. i end up feeling very unsatisfied about love or physical being or education. i think all of that has sunk me into deeper depressions than shopping too much ever did. the money aspect does sneak its way in, true, but it's never about what i buy or whether i need it vs. want it. it's always about control.
perhaps that's why i like to control other aspects of my life. what happens at work, for example. complaining about my co-workers and their poor work ethic is one thing but if it's solely because i am trying to control them, that's another thing entirely. i don't want that. i don't want to control them or be the boss of them. but i do like things to run smoothly. so maybe that's it. or maybe it's not.
my rhetorical question, therefore, is what?
on a redundant note, i think i am a compulsive shopper (don't snort at me). i mean, not in the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" sense, but i do have an addiction. i bought decorations for Hallowe'en and fall yesterday at Michael's and at HomeSense. I'm returning half of it this week. I was on the shopaholics anonymous website, and found this helpful checklist. it doesn't have a description, but i think i am a "bulimic shopaholic". i love to buy stuff and then return it because just the sheer act of buying it makes me feel good. actually owning the thing is of no great importance in 95% of my purchases, but buying it is a must.
i like to think that mentally, i'm quite healthy, but it's quite obvious i'm not. the fact that i have a need and desire to obsess about something...anything, really... cannot be considered healthy. so, if i focus my energy on something other than shopping, then the credit card bill will lessen. but everything else i like to obsess about (men, mainly) leads me to unhappiness and self-doubt. shopping at least makes me feel good. that addiction feeds me and clothes me and makes me smell good (i think). but obsessing about men or my weight/health or career/education has never led me to happy places. i end up feeling very unsatisfied about love or physical being or education. i think all of that has sunk me into deeper depressions than shopping too much ever did. the money aspect does sneak its way in, true, but it's never about what i buy or whether i need it vs. want it. it's always about control.
perhaps that's why i like to control other aspects of my life. what happens at work, for example. complaining about my co-workers and their poor work ethic is one thing but if it's solely because i am trying to control them, that's another thing entirely. i don't want that. i don't want to control them or be the boss of them. but i do like things to run smoothly. so maybe that's it. or maybe it's not.
my rhetorical question, therefore, is what?
Monday, September 08, 2008
harp on
i think she's an ego-maniac, but that Oprah sure attracts great people. i found this article on her website tonight, and i think i am selling myself short. her basic advice to the "stymied" woman was to just create. don't think about whether it's good or not. don't think about whether what you create is going to bring you success. as Nike so wisely advised, "just do it!"
the only problem now is - which thing to do? i have a couple of ideas in my head about what i want to do, but the problem is i don't know how to go about doing them, while at the same time paying my bills and living a decent life. ah, that's just my Clever Critic talking. but that Critic sure makes sense....
still can't taste properly. neurologist appointment on wednesday. he'll tell me it's not neurological. and then, i will accept my fate, without any further medical intervention. holistic is next :)
my iPod is dead. i mean, it might come back to life just like it did a couple of times before, but i think this time, it's on it's final leg. or earbud. or something. it's not working, that's for sure. will have to read on the skytrain from now until the budget allows for a new one to be purchased.
so, i signed up for a cooking class in October. specifically, the one called, "Cook! and the City". yes, it's a singles cooking class. i know, totally unlike me right? no, what's unlike me is spending $125.00 on a single-night activity. oy. but, it sounded like fun. three girlfriends have expressed their interest. i e-mailed them all and let them know i signed up for it. i bet you that none of them will end up signing up. it's typical - i suggest an activity and everyone is on board, except if we all have to get ourselves individually motivated to do it. then there's no way. and there was no way ... that i was putting their registration fees on my card. i love them, but i don't need an extra $375 on my MC, you know what i'm saying? (oh, but the airmiles).
oh, that martha beck - she knows what she's talking about. yes, she's affiliated with Harpo but if i could have her as my personal life coach, i would totally do it. she is so wise.
and once again, i've spent my evening NOT preparing my lessons for the 29th. oy.
the only problem now is - which thing to do? i have a couple of ideas in my head about what i want to do, but the problem is i don't know how to go about doing them, while at the same time paying my bills and living a decent life. ah, that's just my Clever Critic talking. but that Critic sure makes sense....
still can't taste properly. neurologist appointment on wednesday. he'll tell me it's not neurological. and then, i will accept my fate, without any further medical intervention. holistic is next :)
my iPod is dead. i mean, it might come back to life just like it did a couple of times before, but i think this time, it's on it's final leg. or earbud. or something. it's not working, that's for sure. will have to read on the skytrain from now until the budget allows for a new one to be purchased.
so, i signed up for a cooking class in October. specifically, the one called, "Cook! and the City". yes, it's a singles cooking class. i know, totally unlike me right? no, what's unlike me is spending $125.00 on a single-night activity. oy. but, it sounded like fun. three girlfriends have expressed their interest. i e-mailed them all and let them know i signed up for it. i bet you that none of them will end up signing up. it's typical - i suggest an activity and everyone is on board, except if we all have to get ourselves individually motivated to do it. then there's no way. and there was no way ... that i was putting their registration fees on my card. i love them, but i don't need an extra $375 on my MC, you know what i'm saying? (oh, but the airmiles).
oh, that martha beck - she knows what she's talking about. yes, she's affiliated with Harpo but if i could have her as my personal life coach, i would totally do it. she is so wise.
and once again, i've spent my evening NOT preparing my lessons for the 29th. oy.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
lazy
i'm supposed to be prepping for my classes. instead, i'm playing the Sims. i knew it was a bad idea to load it onto my computer!
a few more days until i'm in san fran. honestly, i just want to hang out, see a couple of sights, and relax. and maybe work on my "meeting people" skills. hard to do with two otherwise taken friends!
i had a gigantic bowl of fruit for dinner. i cut up some peaches, strawberries, and tossed in some raspberries and blueberries. it was so delish. but then i got hungry (it's mostly water, you know) so i had two slices of garlic bread. i've been practically living on garlic bread lately. and fruit. what a combo.
i believe it's going to rain tonight and for the next two days. too bad i have to go to work.
sing-a-long mamma mia is out on friday. i don't know how long it's being released for. if it's only for the week, then i'd better see it on friday. if not, maybe next week while i'm in SF. or, when i get back.
after seeing my doctor again today, i believe it is neither diabetes nor a neurological problem that is causing my taste issues. i have a feeling it's permanent. but as long as it's not Parkinson's or MS or Alzheimer's or any other neurodegenerative disease, then i think i'm okay with that.
i wonder if it has to do with my stainless steel water bottle. if so, the Mother is so going to hear from me!
the weirdest part is that sometimes, i can't tell if i'm hungry or not. i'll feel hungry, but then i see food and i'm not hungry anymore. maybe it's a Pavlovian response - i know the food isn't going to taste right so i'd rather no eat it. funny how that works.
i had a great idea for a new story and i started writing it. and now i've stalled again. oh, the challenges of being a writer.
i managed to stop myself from buying a book today. it was very tempting, and i was walking around the store with it in my hand, but once i neared the cashier, i turned around and put it back on the shelf. sometimes, i can guilt myself into being sensible. sometimes.
you know what's the worst part about not being able to taste things properly? yes, it's the not being able to taste things properly but it's also the frustration-aspect. for 32 years, i've eaten what i've eaten and it's always tasted the same. and then one day, i wake up and it's not the same. do you know how frustrating that is? my favorite hamburger at mcdonald's is no longer deliciously bad - it's just bad! i love spaghetti bolognese, which is a tomato-based sauce and now, it just tastes like something sweet that's been sitting in the sun for too long. ketchup - why bother? whole wheat bread doesn't taste like anything. and don't even talk to me about chocolate, cake and doughnuts because that will just make me cry.
it's like if one day, you woke up and the sky was yellow but everyone was telling you that it was still blue. after awhile, you give up trying to fight it and just accept your reality for what it is.
a few months ago, i decided my mantra would be "i want to be thin". apparently, i just had to be more specific on how i would get there! "be careful what you wish for" has never been more true for me than now.
a few more days until i'm in san fran. honestly, i just want to hang out, see a couple of sights, and relax. and maybe work on my "meeting people" skills. hard to do with two otherwise taken friends!
i had a gigantic bowl of fruit for dinner. i cut up some peaches, strawberries, and tossed in some raspberries and blueberries. it was so delish. but then i got hungry (it's mostly water, you know) so i had two slices of garlic bread. i've been practically living on garlic bread lately. and fruit. what a combo.
i believe it's going to rain tonight and for the next two days. too bad i have to go to work.
sing-a-long mamma mia is out on friday. i don't know how long it's being released for. if it's only for the week, then i'd better see it on friday. if not, maybe next week while i'm in SF. or, when i get back.
after seeing my doctor again today, i believe it is neither diabetes nor a neurological problem that is causing my taste issues. i have a feeling it's permanent. but as long as it's not Parkinson's or MS or Alzheimer's or any other neurodegenerative disease, then i think i'm okay with that.
i wonder if it has to do with my stainless steel water bottle. if so, the Mother is so going to hear from me!
the weirdest part is that sometimes, i can't tell if i'm hungry or not. i'll feel hungry, but then i see food and i'm not hungry anymore. maybe it's a Pavlovian response - i know the food isn't going to taste right so i'd rather no eat it. funny how that works.
i had a great idea for a new story and i started writing it. and now i've stalled again. oh, the challenges of being a writer.
i managed to stop myself from buying a book today. it was very tempting, and i was walking around the store with it in my hand, but once i neared the cashier, i turned around and put it back on the shelf. sometimes, i can guilt myself into being sensible. sometimes.
you know what's the worst part about not being able to taste things properly? yes, it's the not being able to taste things properly but it's also the frustration-aspect. for 32 years, i've eaten what i've eaten and it's always tasted the same. and then one day, i wake up and it's not the same. do you know how frustrating that is? my favorite hamburger at mcdonald's is no longer deliciously bad - it's just bad! i love spaghetti bolognese, which is a tomato-based sauce and now, it just tastes like something sweet that's been sitting in the sun for too long. ketchup - why bother? whole wheat bread doesn't taste like anything. and don't even talk to me about chocolate, cake and doughnuts because that will just make me cry.
it's like if one day, you woke up and the sky was yellow but everyone was telling you that it was still blue. after awhile, you give up trying to fight it and just accept your reality for what it is.
a few months ago, i decided my mantra would be "i want to be thin". apparently, i just had to be more specific on how i would get there! "be careful what you wish for" has never been more true for me than now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
crave
i love to shop. i love to spend money. i get a thrill out of having new things. even if it's just a new pair of socks or a fresh tube of toothpaste, i want it. it's my addiction. it's controllable when i stay out of the mall and stay focused on other things. but i had to go see my eye doctor today and it was at metropolis. and there were back to school/end of summer sales everywhere. and i had 15 minutes to kill. and i almost bought this , in red. but i resisted. it was really hard because this style of handbag is one i've been wanting for a very long time. i rationlized that i did not need a new purse. i reminded myself that i'm trying to pay off my existing debt so i can find out what it's like to actually live on my salary (instead of just paying off debt and living off the bare minimum). but i modeled it in the mirror. and i smelled the leather. and it was so hard to walk away when it was the only red one left. soooooooooooooooo hard.
then i walked by ronsons and they were having a sandals sale. i found these, which I already have in red:
but then i walked by tristan and they had an additional 50% off on their summer staples. so i bought three shirts for $24. will i wear them? most definitely. did i need them? nope. but i did it anyway. and yet i know it wasn't right because when i walked out of the store, i didn't feel good. it didn't feel right.
i hate it when i do this to myself.
then i walked by ronsons and they were having a sandals sale. i found these, which I already have in red:
i love my red pair. i could run in them. in fact, had i know how much i had loved them, i would've bought them in other colors at the shoe sale. but i didn't. and then i found them at the mall today, at warehouse sale prices. but i resisted. it was hard.
but then i walked by tristan and they had an additional 50% off on their summer staples. so i bought three shirts for $24. will i wear them? most definitely. did i need them? nope. but i did it anyway. and yet i know it wasn't right because when i walked out of the store, i didn't feel good. it didn't feel right.
i hate it when i do this to myself.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
sticky
and not in a good way. it's been stinking hot and grossly humid the past couple of days. really only yesterday but that made it feel like it had been weeks and weeks. it did rain this morning (with an accompanying thundershower....[shiver]) but i could've danced in that rain. it made the air so refreshing. now, it's just humid again. but the sun's out.
the Ninja and i (with Mon in tow) went for drinks the other night after work. i should've known something was up because instead of just coming to my desk to invite me out (where Mon would've heard and invited herself), he sent me an e-mail. but, i don't like being one on one with him, just because of the uncomfortable silences filled (from my end anyway) with stuff i want to say and questions i want to ask but avenues i just don't want to go down on my own, you know? anyway, it turns out he wanted to bounce some ideas off me and tell me things that were going on in his life (in his own way, of course). i regretted dragging Mon into it because without her, i would've delved into more in-depth information. like, how are the kids handling the breakup and how is he doing? what is he doing with a 24-year old chippy? etc, etc. i wish he would just say, "hey, i have some ideas i want to run by you. do you want to get a drink after work?" how hard is that? hard, i know.
and on that note, and i am not quite sure how i'm going to do this, but i've decided to stop getting so invested in what happens in other people's lives. Mon is dating this new guy she met in Whistler (he's come down from Whistler to meet her for lunch, then hung around so he could take her to dinner too). he sends her texts and cute e-mails. i get a good feeling about him - this could be the guy for her! so i've been telling her she needs to get rid of her current live-in. nagging, more like it. i mean, really, if the tables were turned and it was her that was making all this effort, would she like to learn after a month that this fabulous guy she's been pursuing has a sort-of ex-girlfriend who is also his financially-convenient "roommate" who still shares his bed and for all intents and present-day purposes is his girlfriend? she'd flip out and have a melt-down. and yet, she doesn't see that this is what she's doing to him? i hope she tells him soon. and i hope his laid-back Aussie personality takes over when she tells him because it's not going to be pretty otherwise.
and then there's Doc Tardy. she has this (by her description) hot, young guy after her (in serious pursuit) and she's dismissing him before even spending any time with him because she thinks he's younger than her and therefore too young for her. i have told her numerous times to just give the guy a chance and she always says, "you're right, you're right" and then the next time i talk to her, she's talking about blowing off the next rescheduled coffee date because "he's too young." she claimed his text messages were so immature and that's why she thinks he's too young. yesterday, she read one of the exchanges to me and what did she think was immature? he wrote her after seeing her briefly one day and said, "you looked so beautiful when i saw you today." wow, so immature eh? tell him to start sending them to me - at least i'd appreciate it!
yes, okay, i get it - she's not used to getting those kinds of compliments, but do you think it's going to get any better as she gets older? if she keeps pushing these guys away that are chasing her , she'll just continue to chase guys who have no real interest in her. and then her frustrations will continue and she will continue to think that there are no men out there to date when really, she's rejected all of the ones that were viable candidates because they were too young...or too old...or weren't in the right job...or not Italian enough...or too Italian...or who worked too much...or didn't work enough....or was too silly....or too serious. the list goes on.
and then there's my cousin's girlfriend. we were all at a family gathering the other day, talking wedding plans for Kitch's wedding. and when we were all gushing over Kitch's engagement ring and then talking about centrepieces and wedding colors and venues... i don't know for sure, but i was definitely getting a "why isn't that me?' vibe from the look on MCG's face. i feel for her, i really do, and i hope it works out for them sooner rather than later, but how much more can you feel for someone who has voluntarily returned to the same the same situation she was in, with no improvements or advancements to my knowledge, not once but twice? she has set the precedent for how things will naturally work themselves out - she will always have to give in, with no compromise. it's heartbreaking.
but i'm tired of beating my head against the wall for people that don't care to better their situation. more than tired. it's not my life. i have no stake in the outcome of the situation. if a person chooses to live their life in a way that is not in line with my own beliefs, who am i to say they're wrong? live and let live, right? i'll do my best. and i'll be there if and/or when they fall. but i will try not to say, "i told you so!"
i don't know if i mentioned it before, but i talked to Mike (the one from Creston, not the crazy one) on the phone last monday. we didn't get a chance to talk much over the long weekend. i managed to position myself in a spot where i could be alone but visible and he took the bait and sat with me. we managed to chat for a couple of minutes before someone came up and sat with us. the whole weekend was a wash as far as he was concerned but i figured i would take Nike's advice (and the advice Zen master, Seung Sahn) and just do it. i wrote him a message on FB that just said it was nice to see him over the long weekend and that it was a shame we didn't get to chat more. i acknowledged that it was hard for us to talk with all of the other people present and then invited him to call me if he felt like chatting or if he was in town. within two days, he phoned. and not once, but three times because the first two times, i wasn't home. we talked for about an hour and a half and it wasn't me that did all the talking!
i realize that whatever it is with Mike will probably not come to anything. i mean it could and i'd definitely be in to trying for something but i don't know how it would end up in the long run. i could go and visit him (and i was kind of getting that vibe from him but then, i could be and probably am totally off) and he could come and visit me and we could have a LDR. apparently that's how most of his relationships have gone. but i wouldn't move to Creston. and he doesn't want to move from there. there is less for me there, work and family/friend wise, than if he were to live here, but he's just not the big city type. there are 10,000 people in Creston and even then, he lives on the outskirts of town. i don't know. i won't count my chickens before the cart goes before the horse, but i think all this will end up being is an annual distraction. but he is cute. :)
noon. i really hope my boss doesn't call me to come in now.
the Ninja and i (with Mon in tow) went for drinks the other night after work. i should've known something was up because instead of just coming to my desk to invite me out (where Mon would've heard and invited herself), he sent me an e-mail. but, i don't like being one on one with him, just because of the uncomfortable silences filled (from my end anyway) with stuff i want to say and questions i want to ask but avenues i just don't want to go down on my own, you know? anyway, it turns out he wanted to bounce some ideas off me and tell me things that were going on in his life (in his own way, of course). i regretted dragging Mon into it because without her, i would've delved into more in-depth information. like, how are the kids handling the breakup and how is he doing? what is he doing with a 24-year old chippy? etc, etc. i wish he would just say, "hey, i have some ideas i want to run by you. do you want to get a drink after work?" how hard is that? hard, i know.
and on that note, and i am not quite sure how i'm going to do this, but i've decided to stop getting so invested in what happens in other people's lives. Mon is dating this new guy she met in Whistler (he's come down from Whistler to meet her for lunch, then hung around so he could take her to dinner too). he sends her texts and cute e-mails. i get a good feeling about him - this could be the guy for her! so i've been telling her she needs to get rid of her current live-in. nagging, more like it. i mean, really, if the tables were turned and it was her that was making all this effort, would she like to learn after a month that this fabulous guy she's been pursuing has a sort-of ex-girlfriend who is also his financially-convenient "roommate" who still shares his bed and for all intents and present-day purposes is his girlfriend? she'd flip out and have a melt-down. and yet, she doesn't see that this is what she's doing to him? i hope she tells him soon. and i hope his laid-back Aussie personality takes over when she tells him because it's not going to be pretty otherwise.
and then there's Doc Tardy. she has this (by her description) hot, young guy after her (in serious pursuit) and she's dismissing him before even spending any time with him because she thinks he's younger than her and therefore too young for her. i have told her numerous times to just give the guy a chance and she always says, "you're right, you're right" and then the next time i talk to her, she's talking about blowing off the next rescheduled coffee date because "he's too young." she claimed his text messages were so immature and that's why she thinks he's too young. yesterday, she read one of the exchanges to me and what did she think was immature? he wrote her after seeing her briefly one day and said, "you looked so beautiful when i saw you today." wow, so immature eh? tell him to start sending them to me - at least i'd appreciate it!
yes, okay, i get it - she's not used to getting those kinds of compliments, but do you think it's going to get any better as she gets older? if she keeps pushing these guys away that are chasing her , she'll just continue to chase guys who have no real interest in her. and then her frustrations will continue and she will continue to think that there are no men out there to date when really, she's rejected all of the ones that were viable candidates because they were too young...or too old...or weren't in the right job...or not Italian enough...or too Italian...or who worked too much...or didn't work enough....or was too silly....or too serious. the list goes on.
and then there's my cousin's girlfriend. we were all at a family gathering the other day, talking wedding plans for Kitch's wedding. and when we were all gushing over Kitch's engagement ring and then talking about centrepieces and wedding colors and venues... i don't know for sure, but i was definitely getting a "why isn't that me?' vibe from the look on MCG's face. i feel for her, i really do, and i hope it works out for them sooner rather than later, but how much more can you feel for someone who has voluntarily returned to the same the same situation she was in, with no improvements or advancements to my knowledge, not once but twice? she has set the precedent for how things will naturally work themselves out - she will always have to give in, with no compromise. it's heartbreaking.
but i'm tired of beating my head against the wall for people that don't care to better their situation. more than tired. it's not my life. i have no stake in the outcome of the situation. if a person chooses to live their life in a way that is not in line with my own beliefs, who am i to say they're wrong? live and let live, right? i'll do my best. and i'll be there if and/or when they fall. but i will try not to say, "i told you so!"
i don't know if i mentioned it before, but i talked to Mike (the one from Creston, not the crazy one) on the phone last monday. we didn't get a chance to talk much over the long weekend. i managed to position myself in a spot where i could be alone but visible and he took the bait and sat with me. we managed to chat for a couple of minutes before someone came up and sat with us. the whole weekend was a wash as far as he was concerned but i figured i would take Nike's advice (and the advice Zen master, Seung Sahn) and just do it. i wrote him a message on FB that just said it was nice to see him over the long weekend and that it was a shame we didn't get to chat more. i acknowledged that it was hard for us to talk with all of the other people present and then invited him to call me if he felt like chatting or if he was in town. within two days, he phoned. and not once, but three times because the first two times, i wasn't home. we talked for about an hour and a half and it wasn't me that did all the talking!
i realize that whatever it is with Mike will probably not come to anything. i mean it could and i'd definitely be in to trying for something but i don't know how it would end up in the long run. i could go and visit him (and i was kind of getting that vibe from him but then, i could be and probably am totally off) and he could come and visit me and we could have a LDR. apparently that's how most of his relationships have gone. but i wouldn't move to Creston. and he doesn't want to move from there. there is less for me there, work and family/friend wise, than if he were to live here, but he's just not the big city type. there are 10,000 people in Creston and even then, he lives on the outskirts of town. i don't know. i won't count my chickens before the cart goes before the horse, but i think all this will end up being is an annual distraction. but he is cute. :)
noon. i really hope my boss doesn't call me to come in now.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
high horse
i perched atop my high horse today, and then realized i was not happy with the height i was at and jumped off.
i don't know what's wrong with me these days. i'm just not happy at work anymore. i still feel the same way getting up every morning and hopping on the train, but the minute the elevator doors open to our floor, the lightness in my heart disappears and i can't wait until 4 o'clock when i can run out of there.
i'm not sure what's going on with me. i just know that something's not right. i haven't been feeling right lately, physically and mentally, and it's affecting me emotionally. i've been craving one-on-one contact with people (which is unusual, because that usually means i have to talk) but being in groups is a source of annoyance, both socially and at work. even my usual groups at work are irking me and i find myself seeking out people individually to have a laugh or a venting session, instead of trying to round up a fun group to sit around and chat with.
i know i go through stages in sociability and i know that it's the end of summer so i tend to crawl back into my introvert-cave when september rolls around, but there's something wrong. i'm so irritated all the time. my fuse has been short. i have a feeling it has something to do with this whole taste bud-thing. it sucks to sit down to a meal when you know what it is supposed to taste like, but it doesn't taste like that. it's depressing. it's frustrating.
that's it - i'm frustrated, and more so than before. i don't think i've done anything to alleviate this frustration. i'm not happy with the changes (or lack of changes) that have been made at work. i'm not happy with how i've been dealing with the lack of changes. i've been doing what i always do - running away. i've taken vacations and come back feeling refreshed, only to fall back into the pattern again a few weeks later.
it's time to change the tape (or CD...or MP3) in my head. i'm unhappy because i know i could be doing more, but i don't do anything to make more happen. as i've told many people, and as i just explained to someone the other day, i can't change the people around me but i can change the situation i'm in. if i'm not willing to change the situation, then i need to figure out how to live with it. and if i can't live with it, then i need to make the hard decision and move on.
as the saying goes, it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know but at this point, the unknown devils are looking better and better. at least there is no set pattern when i start a new job - it is yet to be made. but the patterns at my work are established now and they'll be very hard to change if other people aren't willing to work with me to change them. i can only do so much, and then i have to let go.
i don't know what's wrong with me these days. i'm just not happy at work anymore. i still feel the same way getting up every morning and hopping on the train, but the minute the elevator doors open to our floor, the lightness in my heart disappears and i can't wait until 4 o'clock when i can run out of there.
i'm not sure what's going on with me. i just know that something's not right. i haven't been feeling right lately, physically and mentally, and it's affecting me emotionally. i've been craving one-on-one contact with people (which is unusual, because that usually means i have to talk) but being in groups is a source of annoyance, both socially and at work. even my usual groups at work are irking me and i find myself seeking out people individually to have a laugh or a venting session, instead of trying to round up a fun group to sit around and chat with.
i know i go through stages in sociability and i know that it's the end of summer so i tend to crawl back into my introvert-cave when september rolls around, but there's something wrong. i'm so irritated all the time. my fuse has been short. i have a feeling it has something to do with this whole taste bud-thing. it sucks to sit down to a meal when you know what it is supposed to taste like, but it doesn't taste like that. it's depressing. it's frustrating.
that's it - i'm frustrated, and more so than before. i don't think i've done anything to alleviate this frustration. i'm not happy with the changes (or lack of changes) that have been made at work. i'm not happy with how i've been dealing with the lack of changes. i've been doing what i always do - running away. i've taken vacations and come back feeling refreshed, only to fall back into the pattern again a few weeks later.
it's time to change the tape (or CD...or MP3) in my head. i'm unhappy because i know i could be doing more, but i don't do anything to make more happen. as i've told many people, and as i just explained to someone the other day, i can't change the people around me but i can change the situation i'm in. if i'm not willing to change the situation, then i need to figure out how to live with it. and if i can't live with it, then i need to make the hard decision and move on.
as the saying goes, it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know but at this point, the unknown devils are looking better and better. at least there is no set pattern when i start a new job - it is yet to be made. but the patterns at my work are established now and they'll be very hard to change if other people aren't willing to work with me to change them. i can only do so much, and then i have to let go.
Monday, July 28, 2008
minefield of weirdness
i told BabyMan about the Ex's e-mail to me and his very first reaction, after the wide-eyed stare of disbelief, was, "Don't even go there."
i guess if i were to take the figurative step back and see it from someone else's point of view, i would question why, after 7 years of absolute zero contact, he would choose to send me an e-mail. it is very possible that he's been looking me up on facebook for awhile now (well, so have i but him doing it is much more surprising and perhaps a bit dramatic). has he been thinking about me all this time? or perhaps just since last spring, when i saw him at the casino? incidentally, he saw me too that night. he just didn't know how to approach me or what to say, so he didn't. we've been trading messages back and forth, just catching up on each other's lives. it's funny because i have no problem throwing out question after question - how's the family? how long have you been married? do you have kids yet? where are you working now? and all he could ask, and almost sheepishly, was, "do you still have your Civic?" then he said that he felt weird asking me personal questions. i think that's weird. everything about this is a bit weird.
and the last question i asked him? "so, why contact me after 7 years?" a girl's gotta know, right?
once again, i'm dreading the drive to the okanagan this weekend. i have my CDs all planned but ugh... four hours of driving is not my idea of fun. at least i'll get to chill out at my B&B when i get there. and at least i'll be away from here!
i guess if i were to take the figurative step back and see it from someone else's point of view, i would question why, after 7 years of absolute zero contact, he would choose to send me an e-mail. it is very possible that he's been looking me up on facebook for awhile now (well, so have i but him doing it is much more surprising and perhaps a bit dramatic). has he been thinking about me all this time? or perhaps just since last spring, when i saw him at the casino? incidentally, he saw me too that night. he just didn't know how to approach me or what to say, so he didn't. we've been trading messages back and forth, just catching up on each other's lives. it's funny because i have no problem throwing out question after question - how's the family? how long have you been married? do you have kids yet? where are you working now? and all he could ask, and almost sheepishly, was, "do you still have your Civic?" then he said that he felt weird asking me personal questions. i think that's weird. everything about this is a bit weird.
and the last question i asked him? "so, why contact me after 7 years?" a girl's gotta know, right?
once again, i'm dreading the drive to the okanagan this weekend. i have my CDs all planned but ugh... four hours of driving is not my idea of fun. at least i'll get to chill out at my B&B when i get there. and at least i'll be away from here!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
on my own
i don't know what happened, but it appears my angels have decided that i need to figure life out on my own. i've asked them a number of things over the past few days, but i don't get the definitive answer from them like i did when i first was shown now to communicate with them. i guess the questions i've been asking them have been about how i feel about other people, rather than what i should do about me. either that, or they want me to do a lot of different things because they're saying 'yes' to all of my questions. weird.
i'm looking forward to my time away next weekend. yes, it will be with a bunch of rowdy and raucous friends but hopefully the presence of children will keep it more at a family-event level than the constant barrage of sex references it turns out to be. don't get me wrong - i like a good double entendre any day, but when it's all penis, all the time, it gets a bit sophomorish and boring. it's why i stay at a b&b and not at my friend's house. at least i can spend time away from the seemingly never-ending sexual references. and it's not even like the culprits are sex-starved - they get it more often in one night than most people get it in a year. over-sexed and over-loud. a bad combination.
okay, maybe i'm just looking forward to not being here, then.
i'm looking forward to my time away next weekend. yes, it will be with a bunch of rowdy and raucous friends but hopefully the presence of children will keep it more at a family-event level than the constant barrage of sex references it turns out to be. don't get me wrong - i like a good double entendre any day, but when it's all penis, all the time, it gets a bit sophomorish and boring. it's why i stay at a b&b and not at my friend's house. at least i can spend time away from the seemingly never-ending sexual references. and it's not even like the culprits are sex-starved - they get it more often in one night than most people get it in a year. over-sexed and over-loud. a bad combination.
okay, maybe i'm just looking forward to not being here, then.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
spooky
i was a little blue last night and of course, when i'm down, i look for pictures of my exes. i was on the Ex's mom's facebook page and found a picture of him with his parents and wife on their wedding day. i don't know how long ago they got married but if he still looks like that, well then i don't feel so bad about packing on a few pounds. he doesn't even look like the same guy. it made me happy :)
i went to bed after that and it was probably about 11 or so. i wake up this morning and have a message from the Ex that says, "Poke :)" WTF! do you think he has some sort of program that says who is searching for him? if so, i'd like that program!! it's just so weird and even now, i'm still a bit creeped out by the whole coincidence. i'll send a message back because i'm dying to know how he is but i'll wait until tomorrow. i have loads of things to do today and couldn't possibly formulate a proper response to such an eloquent e-mail as the one he sent me.
if you can't play mind games with your Ex, then why have an Ex at all?? ;)
i went to bed after that and it was probably about 11 or so. i wake up this morning and have a message from the Ex that says, "Poke :)" WTF! do you think he has some sort of program that says who is searching for him? if so, i'd like that program!! it's just so weird and even now, i'm still a bit creeped out by the whole coincidence. i'll send a message back because i'm dying to know how he is but i'll wait until tomorrow. i have loads of things to do today and couldn't possibly formulate a proper response to such an eloquent e-mail as the one he sent me.
if you can't play mind games with your Ex, then why have an Ex at all?? ;)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
tasteless
this taste bud issue is disheartening. not that i haven't said that already.
my grandma's birthday party was scheduled for yesterday but it didn't happen - my aunt is sick so it has been postponed til next week. having already purchased all the ingredients for my favorite dessert that has no trace of chocolate in it, i decided to make the strawberry cheesecake trifle anyways. i carefully sliced each strawberry. i whipped the cream cheese and icing sugar until it was smooth and spreadable. i tore the angel food cake into bite sized pieces. i carefully layered everything and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. i didn't even have any until this morning. and how was it? salty. MF.
and then, i'm quite certain it was the strawberries and cream cheese that gave me the migraine i've been nursing since yesterday. okay, i did make myself a small spoonful with the leftover mix and strawberries yesterday. and then i got a headache. WTF.
and because of the dairy, my tum is bloated so i'm feeling frustrated with the weight even though i know it's artificial girth growth. argh. i'm bringing the damn trifle with me to work tomorrow, although i have no idea if it's any good or not (did i put enough icing sugar? is there enough cake? is there too much sour cream?). oh well, someone will eat it. someone always eats it if you leave it on the counter. heh, heh, heh.
my grandma's birthday party was scheduled for yesterday but it didn't happen - my aunt is sick so it has been postponed til next week. having already purchased all the ingredients for my favorite dessert that has no trace of chocolate in it, i decided to make the strawberry cheesecake trifle anyways. i carefully sliced each strawberry. i whipped the cream cheese and icing sugar until it was smooth and spreadable. i tore the angel food cake into bite sized pieces. i carefully layered everything and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. i didn't even have any until this morning. and how was it? salty. MF.
and then, i'm quite certain it was the strawberries and cream cheese that gave me the migraine i've been nursing since yesterday. okay, i did make myself a small spoonful with the leftover mix and strawberries yesterday. and then i got a headache. WTF.
and because of the dairy, my tum is bloated so i'm feeling frustrated with the weight even though i know it's artificial girth growth. argh. i'm bringing the damn trifle with me to work tomorrow, although i have no idea if it's any good or not (did i put enough icing sugar? is there enough cake? is there too much sour cream?). oh well, someone will eat it. someone always eats it if you leave it on the counter. heh, heh, heh.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
rebel
after being bombarded with dozens upon dozens of E-Harmony commercials, both on TV and on the radio, i decided to fill out their questionnaire, mostly to get my personality profile.
i was instantly matched up with 12 guys with great profiles. the catch? unlike lavalife, you both have to be subscribers to communicate with each other (i.e. no freebies). i got a few requests to "exchange first questions" but i couldn't send them my answers because i wasn't a subscriber. at that point, i turned off the matching because i figured there was no point in being matched up with other guys if i couldn't communicate with them. then, i went to their subscription page thinking that i would pay the $20 for a month-long subscription just so i could meet a couple of the guys. well, the $20 subscription was the bulk deal - i'd have to sign up for 6 months to get that price! month-to-month was $60. i'd rather buy a pair of shoes, thanks.
instead, in the last question box, which was, "is there anything else you'd like your matches to know about you?" i said, "yes, my e-mail address is ...." and filled in one of my many web-based addresses. the next day, i get an "urgent" message saying that i had violated one of the terms of the agreement (i.e. i put my e-mail address in my profile!) and that they had turned off the matching feature and wouldn't turn it back on until i wrote to them, 'splaining why i violated the agreement. i thought, "big deal, i already turned off the matching." if my matches are smart, they'll read over my profile one more time before they close the match :)
did i mention that i haven't been able to taste anything properly for about two weeks now? it's certainly helping with my weight loss as i'm just so disheartened by the fact that everything tastes either salty or like nothing at all that i've decided only to eat when i am about to pass out. any other reason is pointless. i went to the doctor yesterday and she couldn't figure out what the cause was either. she told me to monitor the condition for another few weeks and if it didn't improve, then she would send me to a neurologist to get some tests done. i googled the symptoms and all i got were people with a salty taste in their mouth. i have a perpetual sweet taste in my mouth but when i eat chocolate (which i do a lot...at least, i used to), it tastes salty. in fact, almost everything tastes salty. but if it's not salty, then it is bland and tasteless. sad. so sad. the ironic part is that i've been trying to cut down on my salt intake because of the high-blood pressure incident a month ago. incidentally, they took my blood pressure and it's normal and so is my heartbeat. weirdness.
but if i had to see the silver lining in all of this (and there are a few), one would be that i'm going to drop some weight. guaranteed. the other is that it's not my sight or hearing that is affected. if i stopped being able to see and hear, then i don't think life would be worth living for much longer after that. it's not like i'm a gourmet who can taste individual spices and flavourings in a dish. i just like what i like. but if i couldn't listen to my music anymore or people watch, that would be tragic. i guess we all have our favorite senses. those would be my two.
i was entering a contest on www.concierge.com last night and boy, was i waxing poetic when submitting my entries! it made me think that i should start writing again. it's like i go in cycles - sometimes i can write and write and it's effortless. then all of a sudden i go into a slump and i can barely string a sentence together.
there's so much i want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. in a way, it's unfortunate that i grew up so comfortable, because i don't know how to be uncomfortable. i had a small, tiny taste of that "living hand-to-mouth" feeling when i first moved out on my own and it sucked. i hated it. i feel like i'm now at a place in my life where i am comfortable on my own and i don't want to do anything to mess with that. but i'm having the school yearnings again. and i think if i ignore this one, it will be the big regret of my life. granted, i feel like that with every action i decide against but this one...well, i think this one is the real deal. so much so that i don't want to tell anyone about it because i think this one is it.
my dining room table is a mess.
i was instantly matched up with 12 guys with great profiles. the catch? unlike lavalife, you both have to be subscribers to communicate with each other (i.e. no freebies). i got a few requests to "exchange first questions" but i couldn't send them my answers because i wasn't a subscriber. at that point, i turned off the matching because i figured there was no point in being matched up with other guys if i couldn't communicate with them. then, i went to their subscription page thinking that i would pay the $20 for a month-long subscription just so i could meet a couple of the guys. well, the $20 subscription was the bulk deal - i'd have to sign up for 6 months to get that price! month-to-month was $60. i'd rather buy a pair of shoes, thanks.
instead, in the last question box, which was, "is there anything else you'd like your matches to know about you?" i said, "yes, my e-mail address is ...." and filled in one of my many web-based addresses. the next day, i get an "urgent" message saying that i had violated one of the terms of the agreement (i.e. i put my e-mail address in my profile!) and that they had turned off the matching feature and wouldn't turn it back on until i wrote to them, 'splaining why i violated the agreement. i thought, "big deal, i already turned off the matching." if my matches are smart, they'll read over my profile one more time before they close the match :)
did i mention that i haven't been able to taste anything properly for about two weeks now? it's certainly helping with my weight loss as i'm just so disheartened by the fact that everything tastes either salty or like nothing at all that i've decided only to eat when i am about to pass out. any other reason is pointless. i went to the doctor yesterday and she couldn't figure out what the cause was either. she told me to monitor the condition for another few weeks and if it didn't improve, then she would send me to a neurologist to get some tests done. i googled the symptoms and all i got were people with a salty taste in their mouth. i have a perpetual sweet taste in my mouth but when i eat chocolate (which i do a lot...at least, i used to), it tastes salty. in fact, almost everything tastes salty. but if it's not salty, then it is bland and tasteless. sad. so sad. the ironic part is that i've been trying to cut down on my salt intake because of the high-blood pressure incident a month ago. incidentally, they took my blood pressure and it's normal and so is my heartbeat. weirdness.
but if i had to see the silver lining in all of this (and there are a few), one would be that i'm going to drop some weight. guaranteed. the other is that it's not my sight or hearing that is affected. if i stopped being able to see and hear, then i don't think life would be worth living for much longer after that. it's not like i'm a gourmet who can taste individual spices and flavourings in a dish. i just like what i like. but if i couldn't listen to my music anymore or people watch, that would be tragic. i guess we all have our favorite senses. those would be my two.
i was entering a contest on www.concierge.com last night and boy, was i waxing poetic when submitting my entries! it made me think that i should start writing again. it's like i go in cycles - sometimes i can write and write and it's effortless. then all of a sudden i go into a slump and i can barely string a sentence together.
there's so much i want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. in a way, it's unfortunate that i grew up so comfortable, because i don't know how to be uncomfortable. i had a small, tiny taste of that "living hand-to-mouth" feeling when i first moved out on my own and it sucked. i hated it. i feel like i'm now at a place in my life where i am comfortable on my own and i don't want to do anything to mess with that. but i'm having the school yearnings again. and i think if i ignore this one, it will be the big regret of my life. granted, i feel like that with every action i decide against but this one...well, i think this one is the real deal. so much so that i don't want to tell anyone about it because i think this one is it.
my dining room table is a mess.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
brick wall
why?
i'm chatting online with my cousin's girlfriend. they've been dating for almost 9 years and they've just gotten back together after another breakup over the "M" word. so i ask her whether they've started talking about it now that they're back together (because, what's the point in getting back together if you're not going to talk marriage, right?). she said that it was far too soon to be talking about marriage and that they're still trying to heal over the last bought of drama. huh?
then i asked her about how her fitness thing was going (because after they broke up, she started working out to get some aggression out and found out she loved it so she was going to take a personal trainer course and some day open up a gym), and she said that she had kind of loss her interest in it. but now she's looking into a real estate course or perhaps something else. she's still trying to find herself. whuh?
i know, i know. i have been there and i have done that and i could write the book about all the emotions that go with it. but because i've been there, i know. whatever version of herself she found when they were apart is being overshadowed by the her that was. it doesn't seem like there's been any growth in the six months they were apart. no growth means no lessons learned!!!
aaargh. why do i care? it's not my life and it doesn't affect me. but it hurts me to hear when people allow themselves to be railroaded - "allowed" being the operative word. BabyMan was telling me about his older brother who is going through a divorce. the brother and his wife are still living in the same house together, but his wife has a boyfriend and doesn't take care of the kids after work because she goes out with her boyfriend so the brother has to stay home with the kids. and when all is said and done, he's leaving the house (which is fully paid off, by the way) with just his clothes and some personal belongings. he's giving her everything. granted, he's doing that so he doesn't have to pay spousal support but that ends eventually!
why, why, why do i care? i spend so much time agonizing over other peoples' relationship mistakes and for what? i can't fix them. i can't tell them what to do. and they wouldn't do it even if i told them. i know people need to make their own mistakes but it kills me to see them making them!
probably a good thing i'm not a parent. my kid would be the most sheltered child ever.
i'm chatting online with my cousin's girlfriend. they've been dating for almost 9 years and they've just gotten back together after another breakup over the "M" word. so i ask her whether they've started talking about it now that they're back together (because, what's the point in getting back together if you're not going to talk marriage, right?). she said that it was far too soon to be talking about marriage and that they're still trying to heal over the last bought of drama. huh?
then i asked her about how her fitness thing was going (because after they broke up, she started working out to get some aggression out and found out she loved it so she was going to take a personal trainer course and some day open up a gym), and she said that she had kind of loss her interest in it. but now she's looking into a real estate course or perhaps something else. she's still trying to find herself. whuh?
i know, i know. i have been there and i have done that and i could write the book about all the emotions that go with it. but because i've been there, i know. whatever version of herself she found when they were apart is being overshadowed by the her that was. it doesn't seem like there's been any growth in the six months they were apart. no growth means no lessons learned!!!
aaargh. why do i care? it's not my life and it doesn't affect me. but it hurts me to hear when people allow themselves to be railroaded - "allowed" being the operative word. BabyMan was telling me about his older brother who is going through a divorce. the brother and his wife are still living in the same house together, but his wife has a boyfriend and doesn't take care of the kids after work because she goes out with her boyfriend so the brother has to stay home with the kids. and when all is said and done, he's leaving the house (which is fully paid off, by the way) with just his clothes and some personal belongings. he's giving her everything. granted, he's doing that so he doesn't have to pay spousal support but that ends eventually!
why, why, why do i care? i spend so much time agonizing over other peoples' relationship mistakes and for what? i can't fix them. i can't tell them what to do. and they wouldn't do it even if i told them. i know people need to make their own mistakes but it kills me to see them making them!
probably a good thing i'm not a parent. my kid would be the most sheltered child ever.
Monday, July 07, 2008
angels
my angels told me i was meant to have a dog and i was meant to have kids. it's complicated.
my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.
without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.
so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).
but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.
Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.
i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!
hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.
my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.
without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.
so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).
but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.
Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.
i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!
hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.
Friday, June 27, 2008
projection
i don't think i actually want a dog. i mean, i love dogs but i don't think i actually want one of my own. i don't think it has to do with a fear of commitment (although it does strike the fear of God into me when i think of taking care of something sentient other than myself). i think it has more to do with greed and self-interest than anything else. i've always wanted a dog. always, for my entire life. and yet i still don't have one. there's nothing and no one holding me back from getting one of my own and yet, i haven't done very much about it. i could've lied to the SPCA and told them i lived in a house with a big fenced yard and had a roommate that worked from home all the time. but i didn't. i told the truth because i knew the truth would prevent me from getting a dog. i'm sabotaging this because i don't feel it's right. why get a dog to curb my own feelings of loneliness (such that they are), only to have the dog be lonely because i'm never here? not fair. not right. no dog.
i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.
i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.
but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.
i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.
i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.
but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.
Friday, June 20, 2008
channeling carrie
i saw "sex and the city" tonight with a bunch girls from work. it was so much fun. we got there late so i was irritated (of course) because we were supposed to get there 30 minutes before but the restaurant took so long (with 10 orders, yeah, i think so) and then paying (does anyone have change?) and then the mixup with the tickets (will-call means you pick up the tickets - you can't just bring the printout and expect them to let you in). but we sat down (in the fourth row up from the gigangic screen) and the screen went dark and that oh-so-familiar piano tinkling and carrie-voice-over came on and i relaxed. it was so fun just sitting there with girlfriends, gasping at outrageous outfits and trying not to cry when Big messed up everything...again. i miss that. i miss having girlfriends.
as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.
i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.
eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.
here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.
as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.
i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.
eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.
here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.
Monday, June 09, 2008
hesitation
so, the breeder that Mon got her dogs at is selling some of her adults. i e-mailed the breeder and asked about both. she's selling them for $400 each (Mon says i should get both, because two is better than one).
i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.
i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...
just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!
i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.
it's still going to cost me $400.
i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.
i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...
just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!
i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.
it's still going to cost me $400.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
dancing machine
i signed up for a "bollywood jazz" class at the local rec centre and have been attending classes now for four weeks (two more classes to go). it's taught the "students" of the most sought-after bollywood choreographer today and my teacher, whose name i can't remember, is fricking awesome. he's a 5'3" Indian firecracker who is such an awesome teacher. i love this class so much, i've already signed up for the summer session, which is two classes a week for three weeks. you know how much i love this class? the summer sessions are on tuesdays and fridays, from 18:40 to 19:40. i am having so much fun!
other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!
i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!
i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.
on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.
kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?
i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????
i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.
and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.
sigh.
other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!
i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!
i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.
on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.
kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?
i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????
i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.
and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.
sigh.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
full-figured
i borrowed a book from the library the other day called, "The Science of Sexy", by bradley bayou, stylist to the stars. i didn't bother actually reading the book, cover to cover. instead, i looked to see what my shape was (rectangle) and looked on the height/weight chart to see what color i fit under so i could flip to the three pages that would tell me what i should and shouldn't wear. when i did so, i skimmed the pages, looked at the pictures and decided that, for the most part, i was dressing in the right shapes for my body. then, i looked at the beginning page of my section and it said, "Rectangle, Full-Figured." i paused and thought about it. i flipped through the rest of the book and tried to find what else i could have been. i found "petite" and "medium" descriptions and the back of the book was all "plus-sized". i was stymied. i went back to the height/weight chart and subtracted about 30 lbs from where i was, found the color and flipped to that page - "Rectangle, Medium". there was nothing between "medium" and "full-figured". it then occurred to me: i'm full-figured. i'm not medium anymore!
you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."
honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.
i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.
when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?
so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.
i think i am.
you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."
honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.
i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.
when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?
so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.
i think i am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
