it's official

i will never own a cat. and it's becoming more likely that i'll never own a dog either. this cat is driving me insane. i know it's because she misses her companion of a decade and i try to spend as much time with her as i can. but she's become so needy - i don't remember her being like this, ever. if i don't sit with her, she whines. if i don't pet her, she whines. if i'm not looking at her, she whines. if she were a dog, i might be able to deal with it because at least i know she'd be able to go for a walk or play. this houseguest of mine just lounges. plays string every once in awhile. but mostly just stares and whines. oy!

things have been very quiet. i'm almost getting bored. i'd like to have people over but i'm afraid this cat might have a heart attack from all the new faces. plus, all the covers i've put on the couch look kind of ridiculous and are a pain to put back on properly so no parties for me until the new year.

Doc Tardy may be moving back home soon. i'm a bit disappointed because she had accepted a job in England previously and i was looking forward to visiting her for my birthday. ah well, i guess i can still celebrate the summer solstice in england, just more expensively. but it'll be good if she moves back - we'll get each other out and socializing again.

i wish i could learn better from my mistakes. last year at this time, i was grounding myself (for the umpteenth time, no doubt) for spending too much money. had i just bit the bullet last year at this time, i'd be out of credit card debt, probably would have a new computer, and would have a little more savings. instead, it's Christmas time again with gifts to buy, i have more credit card debt than i did last year and my car's regular maintenance is going to cost me at least $1500 because i'm about to hit 100,000 km and my timing belt needs to be changed. that doesn't include my brakes -i've been waiting for them to tell me i need them changed since the summer but since i don't drive as much now, i've been saved for a few months. i hate this. i hate that i just can't seem to learn. i can learn from my mistakes at work but in my personal life, generally, it's like Groundhog Day.

aside from the money-thing and the cat-thing, i'm quite happy. Mon was obsessing about this guy that she hasn't heard from in a week. she met him at Earls on Friday at lunch (randomly, of course), which turned into a 12 hour makeout session at her place. they planned on doing something the next week but he never phoned or sent her a text or anything. and she's obsessing. just the way i would. she says she's never felt this kind of chemistry with a guy since 1998 so she doesn't want to let him go, even though he smokes weed on a regular basis, occasionally does coke and is a self-professed partier. oy. meanwhile, she's got another guy that she's pushing away, even though he's got a great job, owns a house, is stable and established, and thoughtful (although it sounds like it could border on controlling sometimes). i told her she needs to simplify her life. she's the one who told me to read "eat, pray, love" and yet she learned nothing from that book. nada. i'm so glad i surround myself with people who invite so much drama into their lives. it reminds me that i don't want any in mine.

loss

how quickly things change. ginny was euthanized this morning. she'd been sick since monday night and she's been at the vet since tuesday morning. i was afraid i'd have to make the decision to put her down because i wasn't able to get a hold of Jam for a few days and ginny got progressively worse. it was an awful decision to have to make when you're on the other side of the world but i'm glad she made it.

it made me realize that perhaps i'm not fit to have a pet like a dog or a cat. her sickness was so upsetting to me that on thursday night, i found myself kneeling in front of ginny's cage at the vet, sobbing and apologizing to her (yes, the cat) because i didn't know what to do. perhaps my sadness came from the standpoint that i had no guidance and had never been through this kind of situation before. perhaps it will be different when i have my own dog, but i think the pain of losing them will be much worse. can i deal with that?

i think a lot of my avoidance of dating and relationships stems from the fact that i don't want to ever feel that pain of losing someone again. love is great when you have it but when you lose it, you feel like you may have been better off having not had it at all. maybe it's worse for me; i'm not a person that wears my heart on my sleeve. as the saying goes, still waters run deep. i feel pain very deeply and the only way for me to deal with it is just to avoid it. perhaps not the most healthy way of self-preservation but it's what works for me.

that being said, i may be inheriting a dog pretty soon. if it comes to that, the next three months will be interesting, to say the least!

serious regret

i wish i had never said i would look after my friend's cats. it's only been a week but it feels like they've been here for months. i'm frustrated with Ginny, the cat with the heart condition. i know i shouldn't be. but she's figured out that the "treat" food i give her is laced with her meds so now she won't eat it. yesterday, i was forced to try to shove the pills down her throat by sitting on her and yanking her mouth open. i thought she'd taken it, and i gave her extra pets and cooed at her for doing so. later on, i found the pill lying on the floor. fucking cat.

i tried to do the same today and granted, today was my fault. i opened up the pill and was going to pour the contents down her throat. that got spit out too. i was so mad, i started to vacuum. they hate the vacuum.

i know i'm being too hard on them (and on me) but i hate having them here. the cat hair is driving me mental. i hate cleaning the litter. one of them puked on the carpet yesterday - hated cleaning that too. and the benefit of have two little critters to sit and watch TV with me lost its lustre many days ago.

granted, the money my friend gave me in payment for looking after them will probably buy my new computer (finally). or buy my Christmas present for the year. or pay down my credit card. or allow me to finally have a nice housewarming party (once these damn cats are gone, of course, because a crowd of new people hanging around for an extended period of time would probably give Ginny a heart attack, literally). or supplement my away-trip next year. but i will never, ever, EVER agree to take care of someone else's cats at my place again. i don't care who it's for.

only 15 more weeks to go. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

invasion

the cats are moving in today. i really hope they like it here. they'd better because they'll be with me for the next four months. i just learned that 90% of the plants i own are poisonous to cats so i've had to move them into my den and will shut the door when i'm not here or sleeping. hopefully that works. it's very sad because now my livingroom looks bare without the big plant on the floor by the window and, of course, that window gets the most light so my plants will suffer. i hope they don't die. i'd be pissed.

i've gotten over the whole cat-hair thing (okay, almost). almost gotten over the fact that they will likely scratch the hell out of my couch. i just don't want them to get angry with their owner and take it out on me (or rather, my furniture) by peeing everywhere. one of the cats did that (peed on my friend's mattress) after my friend's return from a month-long trip. i suspect that they will punish her once they all get home in March, but there's always that possibility that they're just not going to like me. and then, the other possibility that the one with the heart condition will die. that would suck! i've never had to deal with dead animals before and to have to deal with it for the first time with a friend's pet would be awful. here's hoping things go well.

i worry too much, eh?

smack

i think the Ninja and Mon kissed each other goodbye tonight - in public and on the mouth. after all, cheek kisses aren't really audible. we were at a dinner tonight and Mon was getting a ride home with someone else (the Ninja was actually going home to his family - weird, eh?). anyway, it was the three of us standing on the sidewalk, and a line up of other people in the street, waiting to cross. i was about to walk away from the group and happened to glance at the Ninja and Mon. they moved in for a hug and for whatever reason, i politely looked away. i heard a very audible kiss and looked at them again in time to see them hug and most definitely to see the sheepish look on the Ninja's face - caught red-handed, as they say? i'm pretty certain he was red-faced.

i decided awhile ago that i was going to let go of my indignant feelings about his indiscretions because, above everything, it's none of my business. it's his life and if he chooses to continue cheating on his wife and family with some woman from work, so be it. i don't like to see it, but that's why i choose not to spend any more time with them than i have to. unfortunately, i didn't leave soon enough. and i thought it was sketchy that it took them a over an hour to drive to the dinner. together.

uh huh

i'm nearing the end of my two weeks leave from work. it's been great. truly. okay so the first four days were spent in the wake of a morphine-induced haze. but this week has been truly amazing. the weather's been gorgeous. i'm feeling more spry. i've done nothing but relax. i probably could've gone back to work this week, but i decided to take this week off for my mental health. okay, so i haven't spent a lot of time thinking about my purpose in life and whether i'm fulfilling it but, as my brother would say, meh.

incidentally, the OC e-mailed me (and A) on facebook and told us about this costume party at a gallery in gastown on friday night. i replied back, but only in relation to some pictures he had on his profile. he wrote back, "so, are you going to the party? you should" A told him he should and i basically said i had other plans but thanks. he totally wants me.

LOL

under pressure

i've just officially had a panic attack. and now i'm making pizza. my last meal, so to speak.

my procedure is tomorrow - exactly 12 hours from now. i am worried. i am scared. i have this very unnerving feeling that i may not make it out alive. i'm not kidding. i don't really want to get into it, but i feel that perhaps my time has come. i don't want to die, but it may be that's what happens. maybe i'm over-reacting. i don't know. i guess i'll find out in 14 hours.

i haven't had a panic attack in a very long time. i started getting anxious when i left work (at 6:30, thank you very much). made it onto the skytrain and then to my station. as i was walking home, my heart started to beat faster and i felt a bit queasy. about 3 minutes into the walk, i started to tear up. i tried as best i could to hold it back but the minute i walked through the front door to my apartment, i lost it. i started hyperventilating and i was crying uncontrollably. i'd say that was a panic attack, yes?

i've calmed down since and i'm currently making a sundried tomato, spinach and feta cheese pizza. i've eaten three cookies in the meantime. i'm very nervous.

Doc Tardy just left a message on my voicemail, reminding me that this procedure was routine for the surgeons and not to panic. i started to cry again.

i think it's better that this happens now, rather than tomorrow. they may not do the procedure if i'm overly-anxious. then again, maybe they'll give me a stronger sedative. wish me luck.

chasm

my dad just phoned me. he said he just wanted to talk. i thought that was weird. and then he started talking and i could tell that he had been crying. he asked me to talk to my brother because he was worried that my brother just wasn't independent enough. and he isn't. he doesn't go out much by himself. when he and my dad go out, he just sticks with my dad and doesn't go off on his own. at first, my dad was just sort of venting - how he was tired of making dinner and my brother not eating anything because he didn't like it. and then he re-iterated that he thought he was a terrible father, and then i started crying. he said he was afraid that if he were gone, my brother would be alone - he wouldn't go to live with my mom but he wouldn't know how to live on his own and take care of himself. and then he started sobbing. do you know how hard it is to hear your stoic father sob on the phone and say to you, "i feel so alone." it's hard. it's really, really hard.

he talked more about how he felt like he had no life because all he did was work to live. he was concerned about his expenses (sound familiar? wonder where i got it from, eh?) and how he would never have enough money to do the things he wanted. i pointed out to him that his lifestyle was not so different now than when he was with my mom and they had two incomes. his argument was that at least now, he didn't have to explain to anyone why he bought something. i told him it was a small trade-off to live comfortably. he told me there was no chance for reconcilliation, and he was firm about it, but i said that wasn't what i meant. i meant that he had an opportunity to live the way he wanted, but he chose not to. so now, he has to figured out how to do it a different way. he lamented again about no money and that his car payment was holding him back. i asked him how much longer he had to pay it off and he said, "until next september." i said, "but think about how much money you'll have once you pay that off. you've been in your new place now for a year and it's flown by. another year and you'll have an extra $500 in your bank account. then, four months later, you can go to the Philippines. you just have to take it month-to-month." he seemed to understand that...at least, i hope he did.

the only time i ever regret my parents splitting up is times like this. if both of them had just tried a little bit hard to understand each other and were a little bit better and communicating with each other, they'd still be together. and probably a less alone than they are now, apart.

listen

i just got off the phone with Doc Tardy. she just doesn't really hear me sometimes. i was telling her about the procedure i'm going to have done in a couple of weeks. she asked if it would affect my fertility and i said, "it might, but they don't really have any real statistics either way because the procedure is fairly new." i then went on to tell her that it didn't really matter to me whether i could have kids or not because 1) i don't necessarily want children and 2) "having" kids to me does not equal "bearing" children. i could just as easily adopt - children are children. whether they have my eyes or not has no bearing on me. she said, "oh yeah." not two minutes later, she goes on to tell me a story of this woman she saw on Good Morning America who had to go through radiation treatment after her bout with cancer but managed to still bear her own children a few years later. "See?," she said, " You still have hope!" Oy.

the Duckster has announced that, after two years of being a paralegal, she's finally decided to take the plunge and go to law school. of course, the announcement made me think about my own path to law school again, but i'm happy just being happy for her. she loves the work too much to just be on the sidelines. she needs to be up front and leading the team. i hope she does well. she doesn't take well to doing poorly so i know she'll work hard but i am not sure she's really aware of how strenuous law school really is. rewarding, but strenuous.

last night, i decided to read over the material the doctor gave me about the procedure because i wanted to know what to expect the day i checked in and that sort of thing. bad idea because i started crying. it was obviously a necessary cry because everytime i thought of the procedure, i would tear up. but then i started thinking about work and i really started to sob. i think i'm just under stress, generally. as for the procedure itself, if they were to just put me under, i would be fine. because it's local, i'm not so sure. i don't want to be aware of whatever is going on. i can deal with waking up in pain - i just don't want to witness the procedure that causes it!

i e-mailed MGF today, just to see how his health ailments were (gawd, are we getting old or what?). he said, among other things, "it's weird you should e-mail me. i just had a dream about you the other night." i e-mailed back, "do i even want to know what it was about?" he sent back, "it's not appropriate to discuss over e-mail, but let's just say that your losing streak ended quite nicely." why does he tell me things like that? it's weird. he's weird. i'm not reading into it. he's a guy.

this weekend is thanksgiving and 20 of my closest family members are trucking down and across the border to a rented house on the water. it looks lovely. i think it will be fun - shopping and chilling and hanging out. if i could only convince my aunt that a turkey dinner is not required, it would be a perfect weekend. i will have to make something else or i'll go hungry. i wonder where the closest Olive Garden is?

one-cookie kid

ever seen those social experiments done on young children where they are sat at a table with a cookie on a plate? the experimenter (or is it tor?) tells the test subject that they are going to leave the room but will be back in 10 minutes and that if they don't eat the cookie while they're gone, they'll bring them another cookie and then they can have two instead of one? the test supposedly demonstrated that the kinds that could wait the 10 minutes to have the two cookies instead of just one (i.e. delay gratification) would be more successful in life than the ones that gobbled the one cookie the minute the experimenter left the room and the door closed behind them.

i am a one-cookie kind of kid. it is very rare when i can delay gratification to myself. i was just looking at my bank accounts and i'm starting to finally get some savings together. remember a few weeks ago when i said i was going to stop buying finally start paying off my credit card? i really wanted to make that work. it would take me three lean months to pay it off but then i'd be credit-card debt free. so what do i do? buy two pairs of shoes. they're very pretty shoes, but it's still $90 i didn't have to spend. and Christmas is coming up so i know that i'm going to be spending in a couple of months. i know i can go easy on gifts but then it feels like i have more money to buy more decorations! it's endless.

i've been eating a bit manically these days too. either i'm just not hungry so i don't eat at all, or i eat whatever is in sight just because it's there.

last night, i pulled into my parking spot in the garage. my next-door garage neighbour tapped on my window and when i opened the door, she offered me some bread. she explained that she worked with special needs people and that every friday, the local Safeway gave her all the day-old bread (don't ask me what that has to do with special needs people - i haven't figured that out). anyway, she said she always had more than she could eat so she offered me some. i said sure. i expected her to hand over a loaf, maybe two. but she opened up the backdoor of her little car and in the back seat sat three clear garbage bag-sized bags of bread. one contained bulk rolls...lots and lots of rolls. the second held baguettes. the third, fancy loaves. she handed me two baguettes, told me to help myself to the doughnuts in the trunk (all piled into a orange-box) and basically handed me the bag full of fancy loaves and said, "here, if you have room in your freezer...." for two or three loaves, maybe. for twenty, no. i walked away with one boston cream doughnut, two baguettes and a fancy loaf. when i got upstairs, i ate the doughnut. this morning for breakfast, i halfed the french loaf baguette, cut it lengthwise and spread some margarine on it. for lunch, i took the fancy loaf, split it lengthwise and made a pizza. thankfully, i mustered up enough self-control to only eat one half of the pizza (i.e. the bottom side of the loaf).

i'm a one-cookie kid at work too. i've been at the firm for two years now - barely long enough to have sunk my teeth into my new career. and yet because a lot of people come to me for help and rely on me on a day to day basis, i'm starting to feel like i'm entitled to things that i'm just not. i think that is why i get so worked up and upset and get my feelings hurt. because i feel like i should be treated better - more special - than the others who do the same job as me. that is a serious flaw. i spent yesterday in a bit of a stormy mood. at 3:45, i walked into the photocopy room where there were two people at the fax machine and one lawyer at the supply shelves. there were a stack of stapled photocopies that had been sitting on the same spot on the counter since the late morning. finally, out of sheer annoyance i said, to no one in particular, "whose papers are these and why are they just sitting here????" realizing that no one was answering me but feeling six eyes on me, i said, with as much humour as embarassment, "why am i so cranky???" they all laughed. but why am i so cranky?

it's really only work that is bothering me right now and it's mostly just the politics at work that are getting to me. it is my fault for taking a secretarial job so i have no one to blame but myself. i know human nature well enough to know that there are certain people at work that will never take me seriously as a paralegal and i will either have to deal with it or find another job. it might be because they don't really know what a paralegal is, but they certainly would never dare to give the Mentor the menial task they sometimes give me without a second thought. grr. change is imminent at the workplace in the next year. if i manage to get to five years at the same firm, i doubt i'll ever leave. it's the feelings of loyalty that will get me in the end. loyalty to them, but not to myself.

build up, let down

you know when you prepare yourself for bad news? you psyche yourself up; you hope for the best but prepare for the worst; you role-play in your mind how you're going to react. and then the bad news comes and you don't react the way you think at all? i'm going through that right now.

i just found out, not 24 hours ago, that The Ex is married. he got married. we broke up because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and that he just wanted to chill with his friends and be a guy but what he was trying to say, without hurting my feelings, was that he didn't want to marry me.

i knew that. i knew that for many years after. he got together with this girl - the Rebound Girl - not two months after we split up. maybe the feelings were there even sooner.

i always thought i would be devastated when i found out that he married her and had kids. settled down. gave his life to her. why wasn't i good enough for him to give his life to?

i said i never wanted to know, and yet i always tried to figure it out on my own. i figured i was just being my usual masochistic self - you know, make myself sad and miserable so i can cry "woe is me!" and have an excuse to feel sorry for myself for a few weeks.

i don't think it was a surprise when i found out. i didn't feel hurt. i didn't hate him (or her). i think the only ill feelings i had were that i wanted desperately to feel hurt and betrayed and angry - i just couldn't. i can't muster any hurt feelings at all. it's kind of weird for an old emotional masochist like me.

when i finally decided to end the relationship, i told him that i just wanted him to be happy. and if it wasn't with me, then so be it. i hope he's found happiness with her. i mean that.

and he said to me that he hoped that i would find someone that was good enough for me and who would treat me better than the way he treated me because i deserved so much more.

we always hear, "it's not you; it's me" and we all know that it's not entirely true. depending on how you look at it, it is you. or it's not. in my case, it was me. he knew he wasn't good enough for me and so he let me go. he realized it right away. it's only taken me six years to realize it for myself.

freedom.

invisible

sometimes, i feel like i'm invisible. i don't know how that works. i'm not short. i'm not a waif. i don't have a complexion that blends into the background. and yet i wonder if people even see me.

i'm not saying this in a philosophical way. i really wonder whether i am just hard to see. i'll be walking down the sidewalk and people will be walking towards me and they'll walk right into me. or, i'll be walking behind someone and, because they're walking slowly i'll try to pass them. but as i am about to even up with them, they veer off their course and walk into my lane and not ever see that i was there. seriously, do people have terrible vision or am i just not making my presence known? my pet peeve.

another pet peeve, since i'm talking about them. last friday, at 4:30, Mon asks me if i want to go with them to playland that night (ie. A, the Ninja and his "friend" and others). i tell her i already have plans and she does the, "oh, come on! come with us!" thing. i actually did have plans but really, i was annoyed that she even asked. i had overheard them all talking about their plans to go to playland since the beginning of last week. they all saw me, they all had the opportunity to to invite me but none of them thought about asking me until the last minute. i don't mind doing spur of the moment things, but not if i was never contemplated in the plans in the first place.

then, her call party. her parents are throwing her a cocktail party to celebrate her call to the bar. i've been overhearing about it for a good couple of weeks now, including who is on the guest list, but haven't been invited myself. that's fine - truly, it is. but then she asks me if i'll babysit her niece so her visiting brother and his wife can attend the party without having to take care of their one-year old too? sorry, i have better things to do. even BabyMan thought that was tacky of her to ask. and he wasn't invited either. in fact, i heard that A wasn't invited. just all of the partners at the firm...and the Ninja, of course.

i've been feeling rather catty lately and kind of restless at work. i have thought for awhile that, if the Ninja announces he's leaving his wife for his 23 year old lover, i'll have to find somewhere else to work. how can i respect someone like that, particularly since he was supposed to leave his wife for our friend??? argh. i hate knowing sometimes.

i've had some great story ideas lately but no computer to work on them. it seems to be working now but i'm not counting on it. i think i'm going to start backing up my files and then i'll shut 'er down for good.

i was looking at pictures of myself that were taking over last weekend. gawd, i've gained a lot of weight. i've determined that i should and could lose 2 lbs every week if i tried and after 3 months, i'd be at my goal weight and then some. but it's hard. eating is one thing; exercising is another. or is it the other way around?

after months and months of nagging me to come visit her, i had plans and was ready to book my ticket to visit Doc Tardy in NY next month. i e-mailed her my dates that i was going to come and she e-mails me back, "that's great! i might be in vancouver at that time but i'll give you my keys and you can stay at my place regardless." WTF? she doesn't get that i was primarily going to visit her. brilliant scientific mind, but not so sharp when it comes to some common sense things. i'd rather save the $600 and visit with her here. oy.

well, i think i should do some exercisin'. gawd knows i need it.

old soul

months ago, KD told me of her visit to a medical intuitive/healer her mom asked her to go see. she was skeptical and felt the whole new-age, aura cleansing, chakra-aligning movement was a sham, at best. but her mom believed in it so she went to appease her. she was amazed at what happened to her.

she told me about the procedure - the mimed-movements that meant he was ridding her body of past things that were preventing her from moving forward - and i laughed at the absurdity of it. but then she told me the things he said to her - how he asked her questions about events and people that she didn't tell him about. he didn't name names but he wasn't taking a blind stab at things either, hoping that he at least got one thing right. while i don't think she bought into everything he had to say, by the end of the session, she definitely believed there was something to him.

and of course, that made me curious. so i made an appointment to see him. this was at the end of march and my appointment finally came yesterday.

my first e-mails to him increased my skepticism - he had a full-time job working at the airport as a branch manager for a parts company so he only healed on saturdays. a bit sketchy, don't you think? but i went anyway because, if anything, i could at least say i tried it.

the appointment was an hour and a half long. the first 45 minutes, i'd say, were just spent talking. he told me about himself and how he got into healing and then he asked me questions about me, starting with census-type questions (birthday, where do you live, what do you do for a living), then hobbies (reading, writing, music) and then he asked me about what kind of work and personal stress i was feeling. for work, i told him that the only stress i had was that i was no longer sure i had chosen the right career path. he suggested i look into something that aligned more with my interests, like writing. specifically, he suggested i look into technical writing as a career - and as you know, i looked into that months ago. coincidence.

i didn't really know what to answer when he asked me about personal stress. i don't really have any. so i said, "the only thing i am stressed about personally these days is that i'm getting older!" as i expected, he rolled his eyes and laughed. but i then explained why i was stressed about getting old: that subconsciously, i've always seen myself as someone who had always existed. i don't remember much of my childhood so it felt as if it never happened. i live in the present and try hard to look to the future, but it's difficult because i feel as though the future is my present (that makes no sense to you but i understand it in my own head). my stress lies in the fact that, as i am getting older, it is really starting to sink in that i am alive - that i'm a living, breathing person that is going to get old and die one day. a few years ago, i never truly believed that. it felt like i was a character in a movie and on TV that ceased to exist when other people were not around. i know, that's really weird, but i never really saw myself as anything else.

i was frustrated because i couldn't explain it better to him, but he nodded wisely, picked up this necklace-looking thing, held his hand up, closed his eyes, and let the necklace-thing swing freely from his hand. a moment later, he nodded his head, opened his eyes, put the necklace-thing back on the table and said, "you're an old soul, level 7."

i laughed because i've been described as a old soul for most of my adult life. but i said to him, "what exactly does that mean?" he went on to explain the different types of souls (infant, baby, mature, old) and that each soul-type has seven levels. he then showed me a book that i could read if i wanted to learn more about it. but he said that basically, an old soul level 7 (that's me!) has lived upwards of probably 300 past lives and once you get to the level that i am apparently on, life and everything about it seems very ho-hum - like i've lived it all before and why do i need to go out and experience it again? and i laughed again because that's how i feel about most things. he then said to me, rather matter-of-factly, "you've had a pretty easy life, haven't you? haven't had to work too hard for things and haven't had to suffer too much compared to some other people?" and i laughed again and agreed. he said that old souls always come back as something easier because why would they want to live a hard life when they've already lived several dozen lives already? he said i probably had a few karmic issues to deal with in this life (that's why i came back) and then, at the end of my life now, i will either choose to descend to a higher plain (my words, not his) or find yet another life to live. he said that old souls like me are just here on this earth to have some fun, because we've already lived life and experience hardships in previous incarnations. maybe i should start having fun more often!

okay, so maybe he's just good at reading people. maybe he could tell by the way i spoke and carried myself that i'm an old soul. but then, the healing portion began. i didn't tell him anything about me physically. and at one point, he was holding his hands on either side of my stomach and said, "did you have kidney problems in the past? kidney disease or tumours maybe?" i laughed and said, "i only have one." he nodded. he then moved both hands over my left side and said, "but there's a mass of scar tissue surrounding the area where it was supposed to be." at this point, my skepticism melted away. i told him, "well, it's still there but it shriveled up." he said it's still functioning, although obviously not as well as the other one. he also diagnosed my iron deficiency. he didn't see my uterine problems, which i thought was funny, but maybe it's because they were busy working at the time. i am still skeptical, of course, but how on earth could he have known that: a) i had a kidney issues; b) that it was on my left side; c) that it was actually still there but just shriveled up. there's a way to play the odds and make educated guesses but this one was just too weird.

he then told me about a couple of my past lives (which is what i was mostly interested in). i was a balloonist in the first world war and my balloon was shot down by an enemy plane and i fell to the earth in a ball of flames and died on impact. hence, he says, my apprehension of heights and the fear that my house is going to catch fire (doesn't everyone have that fear though?). another life was that of a starving child in Africa. i died in childhoold. he said that was probably why i always made sure i was never hungry (was that a crack at my ever-increasing waistline?!?). i want to know more about my past lives. regardless of whether or not it's true, i think it will help me understand why i am the way i am - all those weird, funny things that i do.

i also had a crying moment where he guessed about something i had suffered in my past. he said that i still had a lot of anger and blame at myself so he was going to "get rid of it" for me so that i could finally open up myself to love and be loved again. an "ah-ha" moment, as harpO would say.

at the end of the session, his disclaimer was simple: the healing process involved a little bit of him, a little bit of a Higher Power, and a whole lot of me. in essence, like any counselling i receive, whether it be from a therapist or self-help book or a healer like him, ultimately it's me that has to do something about it.

fork in the road

how apropos. yesterday, i went to drop something off at my mom's and stayed to chat for a bit. as we sat there, she looked at me, adopted a protective posture and said carefully, "i'm not trying to start anything - please take this as constructive criticism. you're getting fat." i knew that was coming, because i've been staring into the mirror for many months now, thinking the same thing. not that i was slender and slight before but i reckon since i turned a quarter-century, i've probably gained close to 30 lbs. that's 5 lbs a year.

and i know it's no longer an observation but a serious concern when she offers to pay for me to visit to a "health spa" (read: fat farm). last month, she offered to pay for a personal trainer for me, with the incentive at the end of the journey being a new wardrobe. i know that doesn't mean an entirely new wardrobe but i know that means a few new clothes. my excuse was that a personal trainer would work me too hard.

i know that all i have to do is start exercising regularly again, control my portions and my piggy moments when i stand at the buffet table and stuff myself silly. why does free food taste so much better than regular food? but seriously, i know what to do. it's just hard to do on your own. at the same time, it's hard to admit to other people that i've let myself get this far out of control.

i was watching myself in the reflections of windows today as i walked back to work from running lunchtime errands. i certainly can't call myself obese but i am most definitely overweight. it probably didn't help that i made that strawberry cheesecake trifle and ate half of it on my own. i gave the other half to my dad, thanks very much.

i don't think my over-eating stems from depression or even boredom. i just love food. or rather, i love the food that i love. and food is such a focal point in socializing for me - i don't drink so i have to eat. and i am a glutton sometimes. i don't have a lot of self-control. i was an only child for 10 1/2 years, after all. :)

so, this is my pledge, this 14th day of August, 2007. i'm going to trim down. i have to. and then, 25 lbs. from now, i'm going to hawaii. or somewhere else sunny. and inexpensive. i am, after all, still on a budget.

sigh...trimming down indeed.

760

that's how many kilometers the blue bunny drove on one tank of gas before the "low fuel" light came on. that's awesome! i bet i could've made it to 800 kms but i didn't want to push it :)

i'm back from my annual long weekend trip to the okanagan. unofficially, the weekends will be titled "OK Falls Fiesta 200_ - That Didn't Suck Long Weekend". i feel ready to go back to work. i feel relaxed. i feel happy. i feel like i should always get away from home whenever i take holidays. that's what i've been doing wrong. i think.

it's shaping up to be a busy august. long weekend just passed. two baby showers next weekend. hmm. that's it. :) but i'm going to have visitors next saturday to see my place (before we head off to the baby shower) so i have to clean and get rid of the TV box in the livingroom. nothing i can do about the TV for now, particularly since the top of it is acting as a plant nursery. i'm growing banana leaf plants from seeds. so far, three have sprouted and the other two probably will not. sixty percent success. pretty good for a black thumb.

judging by the pics posted on the family page on facebook, it looks like i missed a good party on the weekend while i was away. either that or my bro and cousin were extremely bored.

i'm not feeling creative at all. i think it's because i ate too much. i'll stop now.

bored

my counsellor says i need to challenge my brain more. the mind games i like to play are no longer satisfying - they're frustrating me more than amusing me and i find myself getting upset and irritated more often than normal. i need more mental stimulation. and crossword puzzles just aren't doing it for me anymore.

smokin' mad

pun intended.

i went to the Lions game tonight - lots of fun and nothing rowdy happened at the game. i decide to ride the skytrain back a couple of stations so i can get a seat. when it returns to stadium, this kid walks on, cigarette in hand, and stands beside the seat in front of me. i figure he's going to put the cigarette out as the people pile in behind him, but he continues to puff at it while blowing smoke out the window. he's talking to his friend on his cell phone, telling him how wasted he is and how he's smoking on the skytrain. i decide not to say anything - he obviously thinks he's too cool for school and besides, it'll be over soon. it was...until he opens up his pack to light another one, this stranger beside him bums a smoke off him and his friend holds out his cigarette to get him to light it. seeing as everyone around me is just staring at them but not doing anything about it, i finally lose my patience and say, "excuse me but could you please not smoke in here?" he looks down at me with this drunken look and says, "sorry, i'll blow the smoke up through the window." i think the stranger who bummed the smoke was ashamed and threw his out the window. finally the guy two seats in front of me pipes up and says, "yeah, don't light up in here." the kid's friend pulls his cigarette back and decides to wait. meanwhile, i've pressed the silent emergency buzzer. and then, the kids ashes fly down at me and hit my bare shoulder. i yelled, "ow! fuck! your fucking ashes are landing on me!!!" he looks at me and says, "sorry about that", to which i respond, "yeah, i'm sure you are." we are approaching broadway station at this point and the guy beside me stands to get off and says to the kid, "your ashes are landing on her." the kid says, "yeah, no they're not." and i yell, "yes, they are!" he gets off, just as skytrain security comes on to say, "you guys aren't supposed to be smoking in here (thanks for your help). but the kid is off the train by now. his dopey, drunk friends laugh and say, "what a moron. he got off at the wrong stop. this isn't commercial." and i pipe up and say in the most demeaning voice i can muster, "no, he's right. commercial is just on the other side of this station." (i resisted the urge to call him a dumbass). they panic and jump off. i turn to the guy behind me, who is with is young son, and say, "sorry for the bad language!" and he says, "no, it's okay! they're not supposed to be smoking on here."

truth be told, i kind of wish they had been a little more rude. when they left, i was still seething and was only getting sympathetic looks from the people that didn't bother to say anything. the anger that was still bubbling up inside me is still there...it's like feeling like you're going to sneeze but losing it at the last minute. it sucks. i wanted to unleash the Dragon!

then again, i probably would have done something stupid to get myself in trouble. better to have left it up to the good ol' reliable skytrain police. oh wait, they were no where to be found.

it's not easy being green.

gesundheit!

i bless people, even people i don't know, when they sneeze. it's just something i do. i always wonder, then, why i never get blessed. people at work don't do it. my friends don't do it. my family doesn't do it. is it not something that's done anymore?

perhaps it's because of the religious connotation of "bless you" that people don't say it anymore. but they can still say "gesundheit", or any variation of same, when i, or anyone else, sneezes. i've taken to blessing myself instead. can't wait around for someone to do it for me, now can i?

i spent the day at the pool today. i got to Kits at about 10:30 and at about 10:35, my OC phones me. he had just left the pool about half an hour before. back story - he sent me a message on facebook suggesting that it had been a long time since we'd talked and why don't we grab a coffee? it turned into a lot of back and forth about what to do and when to go and we had basically decided to meet at the pool today and hang out. not long after this, he remembers a lunch date he had today and bowed out of the actual pool excursion, but there was an understanding that we would meet up afterwards. and we did. he didn't come into the pool area because he didn't want to pay again but he stood outside the fence and we chatted for 10 or 15 minutes. then he said that if i wanted to continue sunning/drying off, he was going to go grab a coffee and then sit up in the stands on the other side of where we were and read his book until 4pm, at which time he was going to go home if i wasn't ready to leave the comfort of my poolside chair. this was about 2:50. i said okay. i watched him read his book for a good 30 minutes before i finally realized that what he was actually doing was he was waiting for me. so i packed up, got dressed and met back up with him.

we sat in the stands for a good 30 minutes just talking and then he suggested we grab a drink or food because he had a physio appointment at 5:30 but he wanted to go home beforehand so he had to leave by 5. we ended up going for food and chatted away until 5:15, at which time he walked me back to my car and we parted ways.

all in all, a very pleasant day. aside from my sunburn. dang, the sun is not what it used to be.

Telus - our future is bleak

MOTHER FUCKERS! i hate fucking Telus so fucking much. i'm annoyed at their confusing, convoluted monthly statement that i get sent via e-mail. under "Additional Charges and Credits", they have the $400+ credit they owe me and my long distance and under the total, it reads "New Charges" (not New Charges and Credits), so it looks like i owe them another $500, which is not right. no, the bill itself is correct but the way they lay it out is stupid. the fact that they have a section of the website entitled, "How to read your e-bill" is a dead giveaway that how they lay it out is fucking ridiculous. how hard is it to lay out everything in three sections: new charges (internet, phone), credits and amount owing?????? when I cancelled the e-billing option, they asked for feedback as to how Telus could change their e-bill so that I would sign up for it again. i basically told them to make it less confusing, that there are less complicated ways to lay out a monthly statement but that they obviously opted to go for the most complicated. then, i offered to create a new template for their statements because theirs was SO SUPREMELY FUCKED UP.

then, as if i weren't annoyed enough, i looked at my long distance charges and noticed that i am no longer on the plan i was on (basically, i could call anywhere in the world for a low rate - not the lowest rate but it was decent and i had unlimited talk time). i've been switched over to this north american plan that limits my rate to 200 minutes. now, i don't spend a lot of time on long distance calls but the three people i do call that are long distance, if i were to call them all in one month, would most certainly surpass 200, even just for one of them. it just annoys me that they've changed me over (or maybe i changed myself over by agreeing to that Telus TV fiasco) and not sent me anything in writing that my plan had changed. SONS OF BITCHES, MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKERS.

and i still don't have the cheque they owe me for the $424 they charged me for that STUPID TELUS TV unit. i've had it. the one guy that helped me (nay, the Telus TV department) will get my praise in the letter I WILL write to the CEO, but the rest of the people i dealt with are getting no praise. neither is the company, for that matter.

i believe a call or e-mail to "Olsen on Your Side" is warranted now too. watch out you fuckers. you've made the wrong person angry.

baby did a bad, bad thing

okay, so i peeked. we're doing a huge computer system overhaul at work and when i left yesterday, i had to turn off the Ninja's computer because all computers had to be off for macro updates and what not. and i peeked. and i found out that it's not Mon, but it is someone. someone i haven't met but i've heard about. someone i actually had suspicions about but thought, "no, she's, like, 23!" and i was right. so when i searched the system to read over the reference letter he wrote for her (that i typed) and her draft cover letters and CVs, i came across a document that was probably marked "confidential" before the conversion but is now available to the whole system - a list of everyone's computer passwords. and what's his password? her first name. how sophomoric can you get???

OY! what is he doing??? what is he thinking??? she's young enough to be his daughter. i think what bothers me most is that he's continuing to cheat on his wife. it's not that Sam was the love of his life and that he had to be with her - i mean, maybe she is but i now very much doubt it. i've actually lost some respect for him - a lot of respect. i think i idealized him when Sam told me of their relationship and now i know that he's just in it for the tail. Twenty-three?

the worst part is that the knowledge of this, that it's this 23 year old masters student in ontario is doing my boss, has lifted the great weight off my mind. when i read it, i wanted to run into Mon's office and hug her. maybe he's sleeping with her too but i don't think so. i think she's as in the dark about it as i was. let's face it - this chick is on her facebook! he introduced them. my suspicions began when Mon said about her, "the Ninja's trying to convince her to stay a couple more days." wha?

when i e-mailed Io about the whistler weekend, she chastized me about three single girls hanging out with a group of married men in their 40s by saying, "the Ninja's a great guy but he's married! you're not going to get very far with him!" i wanted to write back, "that is where you're wrong."

i also just found out that his car got broken into in february and, among other things that were stolen? his wedding band. oy.

i hope his kids turn out normal because that's who he's really cheating on.