fork in the road

how apropos. yesterday, i went to drop something off at my mom's and stayed to chat for a bit. as we sat there, she looked at me, adopted a protective posture and said carefully, "i'm not trying to start anything - please take this as constructive criticism. you're getting fat." i knew that was coming, because i've been staring into the mirror for many months now, thinking the same thing. not that i was slender and slight before but i reckon since i turned a quarter-century, i've probably gained close to 30 lbs. that's 5 lbs a year.

and i know it's no longer an observation but a serious concern when she offers to pay for me to visit to a "health spa" (read: fat farm). last month, she offered to pay for a personal trainer for me, with the incentive at the end of the journey being a new wardrobe. i know that doesn't mean an entirely new wardrobe but i know that means a few new clothes. my excuse was that a personal trainer would work me too hard.

i know that all i have to do is start exercising regularly again, control my portions and my piggy moments when i stand at the buffet table and stuff myself silly. why does free food taste so much better than regular food? but seriously, i know what to do. it's just hard to do on your own. at the same time, it's hard to admit to other people that i've let myself get this far out of control.

i was watching myself in the reflections of windows today as i walked back to work from running lunchtime errands. i certainly can't call myself obese but i am most definitely overweight. it probably didn't help that i made that strawberry cheesecake trifle and ate half of it on my own. i gave the other half to my dad, thanks very much.

i don't think my over-eating stems from depression or even boredom. i just love food. or rather, i love the food that i love. and food is such a focal point in socializing for me - i don't drink so i have to eat. and i am a glutton sometimes. i don't have a lot of self-control. i was an only child for 10 1/2 years, after all. :)

so, this is my pledge, this 14th day of August, 2007. i'm going to trim down. i have to. and then, 25 lbs. from now, i'm going to hawaii. or somewhere else sunny. and inexpensive. i am, after all, still on a budget.

sigh...trimming down indeed.