loss

how quickly things change. ginny was euthanized this morning. she'd been sick since monday night and she's been at the vet since tuesday morning. i was afraid i'd have to make the decision to put her down because i wasn't able to get a hold of Jam for a few days and ginny got progressively worse. it was an awful decision to have to make when you're on the other side of the world but i'm glad she made it.

it made me realize that perhaps i'm not fit to have a pet like a dog or a cat. her sickness was so upsetting to me that on thursday night, i found myself kneeling in front of ginny's cage at the vet, sobbing and apologizing to her (yes, the cat) because i didn't know what to do. perhaps my sadness came from the standpoint that i had no guidance and had never been through this kind of situation before. perhaps it will be different when i have my own dog, but i think the pain of losing them will be much worse. can i deal with that?

i think a lot of my avoidance of dating and relationships stems from the fact that i don't want to ever feel that pain of losing someone again. love is great when you have it but when you lose it, you feel like you may have been better off having not had it at all. maybe it's worse for me; i'm not a person that wears my heart on my sleeve. as the saying goes, still waters run deep. i feel pain very deeply and the only way for me to deal with it is just to avoid it. perhaps not the most healthy way of self-preservation but it's what works for me.

that being said, i may be inheriting a dog pretty soon. if it comes to that, the next three months will be interesting, to say the least!